On May 21, 2003 I was given the miracle of my life. The sociopath who had terrorized my existence for almost five years was arrested and I was set free from the web of his deceit.
Almost imperceptibly, healing began. Without his sinister presence, the FOG of his lies began to lift. Even though I was scared, and beaten down, I began to think and feel and take action for myself, not based on what he had told me was best or good for me, but based on what was best and healing and supportive of me. Without his insidious words stealing my peace of mind with every breath, I began to unravel the web of his deceit and find myself again. I began to make choices that loved me. Choices based on my thinking clearly about what I needed, not on the design of his constant weaving of lies and deceit.
One of the choices I made very early on in my recovery was to eliminate the possessive when thinking, writing or speaking of him. He was not, ”˜my’ P or S or N or even jerk. He was, ”˜the’ P or S or N or whatever I chose to call him, my favourite being, The Lie. That simple step of disconnecting from ”˜owning’ him in my language had a powerful impact. I no longer thought of him as ”˜mine’. He was depersonalized.
The choices we make in how we speak, think, write, or simply refer to the abuser have a powerful impact on how we stay connected in our minds to his abuse. In making him a noun, ”˜the P’ for example, I let go of my attachment to him. What ”˜the P’ did was not about me. It had everything to do with him. I could have called him, ”˜the sink’, ”˜the drain’, ”˜the toilet’ — it didn’t matter. As long as I didn’t call him, ‘my sink’ I wasn’t connected to what I called him. My connection was with me. I took ownership for what I did, thought, felt, said and let go of attaching myself to his name whenever I refered to him.
In erasing the possessive term from my language I was giving my psyche, and the world, a very clear message: I do not own him. He does not own me.
And that’s where the power of depersonalizing and dispossessing them of their connection to us plays out. For so long, when in that relationship, I believed he owned me. I believed he was omnipotent. I believed he knew everything I did, thought, felt, said. He knew whom I spoke to. He knew where I went. Even when he wasn’t beside me, he knew what I was thinking, doing, being. And he went to great lengths to convince me that was true.
It wasn’t.
But, as we all know, ‘truth’ doesn’t matter when we are in those relationships — it’s what he/she can get us to believe that makes the difference. What he told me was true is what counted. And, he told me he knew everything about me. He told me he had me followed. Pictures taken of me while I was unaware. He told me my phones were tapped. My house bugged. He told. I believed. In my belief he ”˜knew’, I relinquished my personal power and attached myself to the lie, he was all-powerful. He was omnipotent.
The tactics he used to convince me of his power and control are, sadly, all too common. We’ve all experienced them. We’ve all experienced the fear and confusion, the sense of utter helplessness, the overwhelming ennui that descends upon us as they manipulate and weave their web into our minds, our bodies, our spirits.
Unraveling their web, being committed to No Contact wherever possible and feasible, are two very important components of the healing path. Cutting the ties that bind in our language is also very important.
To cut the ties means to let go of the need to use the possessive. It means to claim our right to be the centre of our attention, without fear that they will overshadow our truth. It means letting go of our need to stay attached, by speaking of them as if they are ours, and embracing our freedom to make choices that with each day disconnect us from them, more and more.
We were possessed. It doesn’t mean we have to possess the evil one that possessed us.
It means, claiming our place under the sun. Bright. Shiny. Brilliant.
witsend,
hi, I’m using internet explorer 7, so it’s very easy, just click on “tools” (File, Edit, View, Favorites, TOOLS, Help) and then click on “delete browsing history”
skylar,
I think I did it? I also set a thing that says I will only have memory for one day?
In the process I lost my space where I type in a wbsite address??? So I am done fooling around because now I don’t know how to ge that back!
Witssend, I wish I could help, but it would be the blind leading the blind. How are you doing this morning? It’s a little quiet here at LF, isn’t it?
kim,
It is quiet….but I think it has been rather quiet since the “visitors” were here. Almost like it hasn’t been the same since. I HATE change the older I get…..And I hope things return back to normal here.
I am done messing with the computer for today. If I do something wrong I don’t know how to correct it. I changed my password and that was the most important thing for now.
My son went to school today so that is a good thing. The school has put some pressure on him since that meeting on Friday and after the caos over the weekend I wasn’t sure what today would bring.
How are you doing today?
I’m doing pretty good. It’s the first really cold day of the year here. and I have the heater on for the first time.
I agree, it doesn’t seem the same. I miss my peeps.
I’m glad to here your son is off to school. It gives you a breather. Do you think the chaos from the week-end has blown-over? I hope it has.
Kim,
to be honest I think it has made him angry.
I believe he felt in full “control” at school. He has gotten away with this “silently” sitting back and failing for two full years. I think he expected it to continue on that way UNTIL he made the choice to leave. This whole school thing has been a CONTROL issue right from the start. He has lost that control now.
The running away thing….The cops squelched that idea for him. They told him straight up he could leave when he was 17 and they wouldn’t even look for him. They told him if he left now at 16 they would hunt him down and would find him. (scare tactics but they were sucessful)
He lost his control in his plan to leave.
And last but not least….His idea to have me arrested.
I really think he was counting on this.
In a matter of 2 days he lost control of several things he felt in full CONTROL of…..For a normal kid this would be good news. Maybe a lesson or two learned.
For my son, I think he feels backed into a corner in several aspects of his life. This is an unfamiliar feeeling for him. It makes him angry.
For the time being I look at him as a pressure cooker. And I am keeping my eye out. And will back off from adding any more pressure if at all possible. If he threatens me or becomes out of control I will call the police.
If not we are both really just “waiting”. for his 17th B-Day.
I am going to try and give him an “out” of another place to stay until he is 17. If at all possible, I will see if he can stay at my MIL’s. they are gone until Nov. I will ask upon their return.
Witsend, how does he get along with your MIL? What do you think would be his reaction to that suggestion?
Skylar,
My MIL is an awful person. If she isn’t a malignant N she is the closest thing I have ever encountered in a woman. Most self centered, & evil woman I know. My FIL is a pretty decent guy. But a doormat where she is concerned. She is the BOSS.
BOTH of them have aged considerably the last few years.
She has a hard time getting around now, (she has diabetes) and lots of problems with her legs. Doesn’t drive. Sleeps all day and stays up half the night.
I think he would like to go there. He could work them to his advantage almost on every level. He would have lots of freedom there. It is not something that would do him any good as far as his problems go. But…….I don’t have any other options.
My MIL might also feed into his hatred for me. This is the ONE thing I am concerned about. I think he hates me enough as it is.
My MIL blames me for her sons suicide. She always has. But even when he was still alive, she hated me. and caused lots of problems.
When my son was little after his dad died she undermined me every chance she got with my son.
They wanted to spend time with him (naturally) but when they would drive him home in the car they would NOT put him in his car seat or even fasten a seat belt. He WAS 4 YEARS old.
She would say to me…..He doesn’t want the seat belt on? I’m like…Hes four, what if he wanted to play in traffic? Are you gonna let him? (he never objected to the car seat with anyone else) It was habit. Get in the car, get into your seat.
She gave him guns his first Christmas after his father shot himself at HER house, mind you…..With my FIL gun, mind you.
It was the ONLY thing I asked her NOT to get him when she asked what he wanted for Christmas.
Then told him he couldn’t bring his “present” home with him because his mommy didn’t approve….He would have to leave them at her house to come over and play with them.
All kinds of stuff like that. She is a piece of work.
She hated me, and that was ONE thing but she NEVER put his best interest up front either.
The other thing that does bother me is that they DO still have guns in their home. That bothers me.
skylar,
I forgot to answer your question. He has an ok but somewhat distant relationship with both of them since he has gotten older.
He does spend the night at their house maybe two or three times a year if his brother isn’t available, when I have to do an out of town show.
Argh… that does not sound like a good environment. GUNS. He could steal one and do God knows what. You should read, “People of the Lie” by Dr. M. Scott Peck. He describes a similar situation of a suicide and guns being given to the surviving sibling my the MN parents.
Do you think maybe the MN in laws could be the root of your son’s personality disorder? They can smell a vulnerable child and slime him with their disorder.
Maybe it’s best if he’s emancipated or goes to live with the people whose house he took his stuff to.