On May 21, 2003 I was given the miracle of my life. The sociopath who had terrorized my existence for almost five years was arrested and I was set free from the web of his deceit.
Almost imperceptibly, healing began. Without his sinister presence, the FOG of his lies began to lift. Even though I was scared, and beaten down, I began to think and feel and take action for myself, not based on what he had told me was best or good for me, but based on what was best and healing and supportive of me. Without his insidious words stealing my peace of mind with every breath, I began to unravel the web of his deceit and find myself again. I began to make choices that loved me. Choices based on my thinking clearly about what I needed, not on the design of his constant weaving of lies and deceit.
One of the choices I made very early on in my recovery was to eliminate the possessive when thinking, writing or speaking of him. He was not, ”˜my’ P or S or N or even jerk. He was, ”˜the’ P or S or N or whatever I chose to call him, my favourite being, The Lie. That simple step of disconnecting from ”˜owning’ him in my language had a powerful impact. I no longer thought of him as ”˜mine’. He was depersonalized.
The choices we make in how we speak, think, write, or simply refer to the abuser have a powerful impact on how we stay connected in our minds to his abuse. In making him a noun, ”˜the P’ for example, I let go of my attachment to him. What ”˜the P’ did was not about me. It had everything to do with him. I could have called him, ”˜the sink’, ”˜the drain’, ”˜the toilet’ — it didn’t matter. As long as I didn’t call him, ‘my sink’ I wasn’t connected to what I called him. My connection was with me. I took ownership for what I did, thought, felt, said and let go of attaching myself to his name whenever I refered to him.
In erasing the possessive term from my language I was giving my psyche, and the world, a very clear message: I do not own him. He does not own me.
And that’s where the power of depersonalizing and dispossessing them of their connection to us plays out. For so long, when in that relationship, I believed he owned me. I believed he was omnipotent. I believed he knew everything I did, thought, felt, said. He knew whom I spoke to. He knew where I went. Even when he wasn’t beside me, he knew what I was thinking, doing, being. And he went to great lengths to convince me that was true.
It wasn’t.
But, as we all know, ‘truth’ doesn’t matter when we are in those relationships — it’s what he/she can get us to believe that makes the difference. What he told me was true is what counted. And, he told me he knew everything about me. He told me he had me followed. Pictures taken of me while I was unaware. He told me my phones were tapped. My house bugged. He told. I believed. In my belief he ”˜knew’, I relinquished my personal power and attached myself to the lie, he was all-powerful. He was omnipotent.
The tactics he used to convince me of his power and control are, sadly, all too common. We’ve all experienced them. We’ve all experienced the fear and confusion, the sense of utter helplessness, the overwhelming ennui that descends upon us as they manipulate and weave their web into our minds, our bodies, our spirits.
Unraveling their web, being committed to No Contact wherever possible and feasible, are two very important components of the healing path. Cutting the ties that bind in our language is also very important.
To cut the ties means to let go of the need to use the possessive. It means to claim our right to be the centre of our attention, without fear that they will overshadow our truth. It means letting go of our need to stay attached, by speaking of them as if they are ours, and embracing our freedom to make choices that with each day disconnect us from them, more and more.
We were possessed. It doesn’t mean we have to possess the evil one that possessed us.
It means, claiming our place under the sun. Bright. Shiny. Brilliant.
Skylar
I think the real importance of the message is that we allowed and sanctioned the abuse! It really is our own responsibility to look out for ourselves. It by NO mean condones the abuse but we must in the end take ownership of our own responsibility for letting it go on for so long.
That is a majior part of the healing process is to forgive ourselves and to forgive them so we do not harbor the guilt and the hate so we can move forward and enjoy the rest of our lives Knowing we have learned a Most valuable lesson!
Hi Tillly, I like what you wrote… “even though I lost, I won.” That’s kind of how I’ve been feeling lately, although I didn’t have to go through what you’ve been going through.
THANKYOU shabbychic,
I’m sure you have been going through just as much as me, only its different.
I am so grateful that I am still alive. There were times I wished i were dead. But I reckon that the second that someone kills them selves they think, “I wish i hadn’t done that!” So I believe we have all had our nine lives here on LF.
I bought a drink today at the local shop and the girl behind the counter said, “thanks beautiful, have a great day”. I said to her, “well I am coming back here if you keep calling me beautiful” and she said “but you are”. She was about 30 yrs old. it made my day.
This has to be the most hurting feeling in the world, when you realizing that the person you gave your all too was just using you. I honestly has been coming to grips with this daily I know that this S was just using me and now that Im broke and don’t have a damn thang left he’s gone. The reality is like a kick in the face because its unbelievable
luv,
it is a horrible hurt, but the trick is to realize where your hurt is. It’s in your ego. I’m not saying that I’ve accomplished letting go of my ego, but in the few moments that I’ve achieved it, I had peace. Then, like a rubberband, the ego bounces back and demands satisfaction.
so then, instead, I try trick #2: look at the larger scope. Rather than ignore your ego, distance yourself from it as much as possible. Realize that when you lose something, something new will take its place. It was time to grow and growth is painful, but it is soooooo much better than never growing, like a P never grows but stays stuck in the same egocentric thinking. Our goal is to become better than a P. And the best way to insure that happens, is by seeing the P’s for what they are and choosing to NOT BE THEM. It’s actually liberating if you can focus on that.
Advise please.
So I am understanding that the majority of us agree, that No Emotion is the best emotion.
When I give my S my baby, it’s so hard. I miss him before I let him go. Usually I am visibly saddened (my face is drawn, but no tears) and my voice is desperate when I say, “mama loves you.”
I fear my S will want to get my sone from me as much as possible if he knows how much I miss him.
So should I just act like it’s not a big deal?
(I just worry that my son may read that it’s not a big deal) I also worry that my S will take it too far and start telling people how I am excited to be handing over my son.
thanks,
Banana
Dear Banana,
If he knows he is “pushing your buttons” he will ENJOY that. I’m not sure how old your baby is, but generally Ps, in my estimation, don’t get much pleasure out of being around a baby, which requires attention, feeding, and diaper changes, so what they get the MOST OF is pithing you off.
If he doesn’t know (by how you act) that you are pithed off, he won’t get the REWARD he is seeking. I know mothers who pretend that they are ANXIOUS for the P to take the baby so they can have some time to date or go out without the baby, and the P will deliberately NOT take the baby because he thinks it pithes them off to have to have the baby with them all the time, and he is NOT A BABY SITTE5R SO SHE CAN GO OUT AND PARTY.
The main thing is to NOT LET HIM KNOW how you REALLY feel in my opinion.
The Ps will bring the kid back late if you show that pithes you off, or lose clothes if that pithes you off, etc. Inconvenience you in ANY WAY POSSIBLE.
You have to weigh this against setting “reasonable boundaries” for the long haul. So ultimately, it is up to you how you handle this, and you might try several ways.Keep in mind though, that when YOU change the way you react, he will “get worse” for a while, trying to get you to react by turning up the heat so whatever route you choose, you will need to stick with it several months before you give up on it and change to another one. It isn’t a “science” but more a trial and error thing I think.
If you have not yet gone to Dr. Leedom’s site about “raising the at risk child” and CO-parenting, I think you should do so, there is a lot of great information there. (((hugs))) and my prayers for you, sweetie!
Banana,
even better, tell the S that you have a date or a hair appointment, or lots of important things to do. smile in anticipation of your day ahead, free of child care. He will realize that you are benefiting from the free time and will not want to give you free time away from your child.
Do all your sad goodbye’s BEFORE THE S gets there. Then be very nonchalant as you whisk yourself away taking long, purposeful strides and not looking back. Wear high heels.
Don’t advise him of anything you have planned before he shows up. Or he will start cancelling and changing dates.
Be non-commital and non-emotional on the phone. When he gets there, hand over the baby and rush out the door.
He will try to play games with you. so be prepared and keep all your cards up your sleeve.
I guess Oxy and I were posting at the same time. So yes, we are saying the same thing: wear a poker face and be ready for games.
Thanks Girls : )
Oxy,
I have read 1/2 of “Just like his father”.(because my son is 17 months)
Are there more resources for dealing with the S?