On May 21, 2003 I was given the miracle of my life. The sociopath who had terrorized my existence for almost five years was arrested and I was set free from the web of his deceit.
Almost imperceptibly, healing began. Without his sinister presence, the FOG of his lies began to lift. Even though I was scared, and beaten down, I began to think and feel and take action for myself, not based on what he had told me was best or good for me, but based on what was best and healing and supportive of me. Without his insidious words stealing my peace of mind with every breath, I began to unravel the web of his deceit and find myself again. I began to make choices that loved me. Choices based on my thinking clearly about what I needed, not on the design of his constant weaving of lies and deceit.
One of the choices I made very early on in my recovery was to eliminate the possessive when thinking, writing or speaking of him. He was not, ”˜my’ P or S or N or even jerk. He was, ”˜the’ P or S or N or whatever I chose to call him, my favourite being, The Lie. That simple step of disconnecting from ”˜owning’ him in my language had a powerful impact. I no longer thought of him as ”˜mine’. He was depersonalized.
The choices we make in how we speak, think, write, or simply refer to the abuser have a powerful impact on how we stay connected in our minds to his abuse. In making him a noun, ”˜the P’ for example, I let go of my attachment to him. What ”˜the P’ did was not about me. It had everything to do with him. I could have called him, ”˜the sink’, ”˜the drain’, ”˜the toilet’ — it didn’t matter. As long as I didn’t call him, ‘my sink’ I wasn’t connected to what I called him. My connection was with me. I took ownership for what I did, thought, felt, said and let go of attaching myself to his name whenever I refered to him.
In erasing the possessive term from my language I was giving my psyche, and the world, a very clear message: I do not own him. He does not own me.
And that’s where the power of depersonalizing and dispossessing them of their connection to us plays out. For so long, when in that relationship, I believed he owned me. I believed he was omnipotent. I believed he knew everything I did, thought, felt, said. He knew whom I spoke to. He knew where I went. Even when he wasn’t beside me, he knew what I was thinking, doing, being. And he went to great lengths to convince me that was true.
It wasn’t.
But, as we all know, ‘truth’ doesn’t matter when we are in those relationships — it’s what he/she can get us to believe that makes the difference. What he told me was true is what counted. And, he told me he knew everything about me. He told me he had me followed. Pictures taken of me while I was unaware. He told me my phones were tapped. My house bugged. He told. I believed. In my belief he ”˜knew’, I relinquished my personal power and attached myself to the lie, he was all-powerful. He was omnipotent.
The tactics he used to convince me of his power and control are, sadly, all too common. We’ve all experienced them. We’ve all experienced the fear and confusion, the sense of utter helplessness, the overwhelming ennui that descends upon us as they manipulate and weave their web into our minds, our bodies, our spirits.
Unraveling their web, being committed to No Contact wherever possible and feasible, are two very important components of the healing path. Cutting the ties that bind in our language is also very important.
To cut the ties means to let go of the need to use the possessive. It means to claim our right to be the centre of our attention, without fear that they will overshadow our truth. It means letting go of our need to stay attached, by speaking of them as if they are ours, and embracing our freedom to make choices that with each day disconnect us from them, more and more.
We were possessed. It doesn’t mean we have to possess the evil one that possessed us.
It means, claiming our place under the sun. Bright. Shiny. Brilliant.
Banana:
Oxy’s right on….
I agree….say your goodbyes prior to the hand off.
You need to act confident…..not sad. If you want white….he will gladly give you black…..always!
Decide what your trying to do and ask for the opposite…..by actions, not necessarily verbal.
Don’t give the ex anything but confidence…..absolutely NO negative emotions……
You can’t control any twist he makes on his ‘perception’ of your emotions…..whether he decides to tell people your so glad to ‘get rid’ of the kid…..OR it tears you up….
Whatever……either is NOT illegal and won’t affect a custody deal. So who cares……you can’t control it.
Just make arrangements as you would, in a professional manner……it’s all business….thats it!
No tears, no joy……its all about the ‘handoff’….taking care of business.
Spend that time with your child prior to the handoff….with your real emotions in private……collect yourself….and do it.
The handoff is just that…..the handoff……
I know it must be hard for you, but allow yourself some time to be YOU! Enjoy being the woman you want to be in your adult time!
XXOO
Louise:
Thank you for this thought provoking post!
I was guilty of PERSONALIZING and OWNING the ex s…..
I am giviing him up….NOW…..he is a ‘the’ from this point forward.
I had thought about it, at times, when I posted…..as I wrote MY ex S…. or MY S……and I turned my reasoning into……. so you all would know who I was referring to….so I owned him!
No need really……we all know who we are talking about huh!
This was a really good article…..THANK YOU for taking the time and energy to enlighten us and make us aware of our own behaviors.
What a great article! Thank you so much for pointing out how we own something thru our use of language that we do not own, do not WANT to own, actually want nothing to do with ever ever again…….yet continue to call this “thing” mine, and label it as “my”……..and continue to own “””my””” N or P or S….
AARRRRAGH! It is like being possessed by language cooties! Let go….let go….the “thing” is the The THE….I don’t want it to be mine anymore!!!!
These realizations (most of them found on LF) hit me like out of the blue….almost causes that sudden intra-mouth puke for real….thank you from the bottom of my heart for this site and the writers and bloggers and all the information that whacks one on the head and says “Wake UP!!!”
Heart:
” that sudden intra-mouth puke ”
When that happens……SPIT!
🙂
Yeah spit!
I don’t know where to begin.
When I did the hand-off yesterday he began saying to me “I just want you to know you’ve opened up a can of worms!”
I had no idea what he was talking about I told him so.
The conversation was so twisted and perverse I tried to walk away 3 times. It took me a while because my son was upset by S tone of voice and seeing mom and dad argue. He began crying and I had to hold him. When I finally left my son was bawling and reaching desperately for me.
I AM SO MAD.
My greatest concern, while distracted by figuring out just what the S was talking about was my son’s emotional state. S held him like a bag or groceries, without a care of how my son was.
Didn’t even acknowledge his state.
Apparently the S was conjuring up some reason to blame me for his work environment being hostile, talking about privacy policy (at work: not my problem but theirs) said he was going to quit. Said he had some letter that his attorney was going to send….IF THIS SOUNDS CRAZY AND OUT OF SEQUENCE IT’S because I can’t even formulate his oral diarrhea into an understandable dialog!!!!!!!!
he said I could stop this nonsense by simply admitting I talked to his supervisor. I admitted it several times!
I know I should have just said goodbye seeing in hindsight I should never have given him the time of day.
ANY WAY at one point he said it’s all about the money with me and that If I wanted my son I should just take him; if I wanted to ruin his life by taking him away from his father. (I was like ‘really!!!!!’ don’t tease me)…but I said was, “why would that hurt him?”
At this point in our settlement I am ready to offer up no CS in exchange for him getting out of my son’s life for good…..could it be.
I know it’s too good to be true, but I am going to try.
The LORD is listening, for all you who pray, ask the Lord to have his hand on this and release my son and I from this bondage.
Dear Banana,
Your FIRST MISTAKE was listening to him and trying to “get clarification” about what he was talking about—so I will CLARIFY ALL HIS CONVERSATIONS FOR YOU—doesn’t matter what his words are, he is saying:
“I am going to upset you, make you feel bad, blame you for the weather, or blame you for anything in my life that isn’t the way I want it, and if it upsets our son, TOUGH!”
Now, you KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HE IS SAYING SO YOU NEVER HAVE TO LISTEN TO HIM AGAIN.
hand off your son and if he starts to speak to you, say “I don’t have time for this, I have to be somewhere in 10 minutes” THEN WALK OFF AND LEAVE. DON’T LOOK BACK.
He got what he wanted this time at the hand off, YOU UPSET.
So by listening, you rewarded him and got upset, which was his purpose.
I KNOW IT IS HARD, but it won’t long term effect your child at this age, so just WALK AWAY. YOUR X MUST BE BORED, and NOT REWARDED. As long as you reward him by RE-ACTING he will continue. HANG ON AND BE STRONG!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!
Moved from other thread….sorry…..
Banana:
No state will accept a no child support in lieu of no contact with child. States are not in the business of ’breaking up’ families. He’s yanking your chain. If you suggest this, he will attack you from an angle of “see, she doesn’t want me to have a part in my sons life”……and turn it on YOU!
Don’t go there.
Stay with the plan, it will be hard and you found this out yesterday. You MUST remain emotionless—NO EMOTIONS in the handoff.
He will use these handoffs to ’talk sense into you’ every time”.this is where you need to have a plan and stick to it—he won’t cooperate with your plan, but YOU must maintain control and focus!
Say your goodbyes with son prior”.go out hand the child to father and say have fun with a smile, and simply walk away”.NO speaking. If child has any issues, you will have to allow the father to ’comfort’ him”..his issues will be greatly minimized with out you arguing.
NO it’s not optimal, but you already know how the other way works—it’s more damaging to the child—
If anything was optimal, you would still be together. So don’t expect anything to be optimal”.it just won’t be!
YOU TWO CAN”T SPEAK, or use this time to ‘solve’ any issues.
Remain strong and in control of YOU!
Don’t let him bully you”.what’s done is done, take it from here!
Good luck!
XXOO
I thought Dr. Leedom suggested such a bargain in past lovefraud stories.
Maybe not NC for father and child but I am definitely hoping t oget SOLE legal custody.
It is very affirming to get your responses and to witness your growth as we each stretch and learn and evolve from victimhood to victor of our own lives.
The strength and encouragement you share is truly a gift — it’s Thanksgiving here in Canada and I am grateful for your support — and the opportunity to share my strength, hope and encouragement with you.
Blessings,
Louise