On May 21, 2003 I was given the miracle of my life. The sociopath who had terrorized my existence for almost five years was arrested and I was set free from the web of his deceit.
Almost imperceptibly, healing began. Without his sinister presence, the FOG of his lies began to lift. Even though I was scared, and beaten down, I began to think and feel and take action for myself, not based on what he had told me was best or good for me, but based on what was best and healing and supportive of me. Without his insidious words stealing my peace of mind with every breath, I began to unravel the web of his deceit and find myself again. I began to make choices that loved me. Choices based on my thinking clearly about what I needed, not on the design of his constant weaving of lies and deceit.
One of the choices I made very early on in my recovery was to eliminate the possessive when thinking, writing or speaking of him. He was not, ”˜my’ P or S or N or even jerk. He was, ”˜the’ P or S or N or whatever I chose to call him, my favourite being, The Lie. That simple step of disconnecting from ”˜owning’ him in my language had a powerful impact. I no longer thought of him as ”˜mine’. He was depersonalized.
The choices we make in how we speak, think, write, or simply refer to the abuser have a powerful impact on how we stay connected in our minds to his abuse. In making him a noun, ”˜the P’ for example, I let go of my attachment to him. What ”˜the P’ did was not about me. It had everything to do with him. I could have called him, ”˜the sink’, ”˜the drain’, ”˜the toilet’ — it didn’t matter. As long as I didn’t call him, ‘my sink’ I wasn’t connected to what I called him. My connection was with me. I took ownership for what I did, thought, felt, said and let go of attaching myself to his name whenever I refered to him.
In erasing the possessive term from my language I was giving my psyche, and the world, a very clear message: I do not own him. He does not own me.
And that’s where the power of depersonalizing and dispossessing them of their connection to us plays out. For so long, when in that relationship, I believed he owned me. I believed he was omnipotent. I believed he knew everything I did, thought, felt, said. He knew whom I spoke to. He knew where I went. Even when he wasn’t beside me, he knew what I was thinking, doing, being. And he went to great lengths to convince me that was true.
It wasn’t.
But, as we all know, ‘truth’ doesn’t matter when we are in those relationships — it’s what he/she can get us to believe that makes the difference. What he told me was true is what counted. And, he told me he knew everything about me. He told me he had me followed. Pictures taken of me while I was unaware. He told me my phones were tapped. My house bugged. He told. I believed. In my belief he ”˜knew’, I relinquished my personal power and attached myself to the lie, he was all-powerful. He was omnipotent.
The tactics he used to convince me of his power and control are, sadly, all too common. We’ve all experienced them. We’ve all experienced the fear and confusion, the sense of utter helplessness, the overwhelming ennui that descends upon us as they manipulate and weave their web into our minds, our bodies, our spirits.
Unraveling their web, being committed to No Contact wherever possible and feasible, are two very important components of the healing path. Cutting the ties that bind in our language is also very important.
To cut the ties means to let go of the need to use the possessive. It means to claim our right to be the centre of our attention, without fear that they will overshadow our truth. It means letting go of our need to stay attached, by speaking of them as if they are ours, and embracing our freedom to make choices that with each day disconnect us from them, more and more.
We were possessed. It doesn’t mean we have to possess the evil one that possessed us.
It means, claiming our place under the sun. Bright. Shiny. Brilliant.
Polly,
I can relate to so much of your story, as can everyone here.
The word IMPOVERISH I think is key here.
They impoverish us financially, deliberately.
They impoverish us emotionally, deliberately.
They impoverish us of time, deliberately.
I can write a list a mile long of how they deliberately impoverish us.
It stems from envy, they want us to have NOTHING. It’s more important to them than having something for themselves.
From the lyrics to “One” by U2:
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
So they take and take and they squander what they take, because they can’t have love and they want you to go without.
Love that song. But also love, “With or Without You”. It hurts to just think about the lyrics.
My non-romantic encounter with a n/p started with devastation, like a hurricane had swept through my life and uprooted everything. The faculty member derailed my successful graduate track just as I reached the finish line, undid years of hard work, and changed the course of my life. The harder I fought, the worse it got.
Then I began to look inward: How had I been so entirely blindsided? How could I not have seen it coming? What in me allowed such a person so much power over my life? I was past blame: I needed to face my own life.
All the things I’d worked so hard to leave behind me came back, and one by one, I’m working through them. I’ve come to view myself with compassion and honesty; locate the areas that need strengthening and build them up; grieve my losses and my past as an abused child of alcoholics, and my role as a codependent. I began to understand that caring for myself full time, taking care of this little bit of life that I am, is the opposite of selfish. Treating myself with curiosity and compassion, acceptance and love brought me courage and tenacity: I could now reach out to others from a much stronger base. The healthy boundaries that I lacked have begun to take form and function as they are meant to.
Anais Nin said “We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.” I always saw others as valuable; I now include myself in the equation. When I meet a harmful or unhelpful person, I can spot it sooner, and my first choice is to just step out of the way, like you’d step off the train tracks if a train was coming at you. I have learned to say “No” with quiet authority, and when I say “Yes,” it’s because I mean it.
I’m still angry with the woman who derailed the life I planned for, but I’m learning to forgive, as in not allow her to live rent free in my head. If I think of her for a million times, that’s a million times I will gently cue myself to “Let Go now.” In spite of the tough circumstances I’m in now especially financially, I’m grateful for this life that I didn’t plan. I met myself in it, and the lessons I’m learning are bringing me peace, and clarity, and even joy. Who knew? It’s pretty amazing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_b1rXfEgMQA
Kim,
I think this song by coldplay is about a P with a narcissistic injury.
Note the lyrics “never an honest word, but that was when I ruled the world”
I like the song anyway, tho it makes me sad.
Betty, yes, that is a gift from the P. My radar is so acute I can smell them all the way across the globe. I’m serious. That P that showed up here the other night, stank so bad, from the very first post I had to hold my nose.
Today, on the news, there was a balloon being chased all over Colorado because the police thought that there was a 6-year old boy inside it. I told my parents, “there is no boy inside, he is hiding around the house and his father is a narcissist living in a delusion. He needs attention so he set this whole thing up.” Sure enough the kid was hiding in the attic.
There were sooooooo many red flags.
The parents were on a reality show, they are storm chasers, the father is an “amatuer” scientist working on a way to create energy, is trying to make contact with aliens… I could go on. All these things show someone who needs inordinate amounts of attention (the reality show – wife swapper), doesn’t want to do real work but wants the status, (amateur scientists don’t have to get a degree or attend school), needs someone to believe in him like a cult following (creating energy and contacting aliens). The kids were standing on a roof (no responsible adult would allow that) with a camera.
Here is a P, on TV and nobody even knows it but me.
Great lyrics, Skylar. It’s lonely at the top!!! And love your poetry, too.
Betty, thanks for your quote from Anais. It’s soooo true. lThat’s called projection. That’s why the P’s always accuse us of what they are doing!!!
Betty and Kim,
I didn’t even think of Anais’ quote as referring to P’s I thought it referred to how we percieved them.
I always thought that the P’s were the only ones who projected, but you are saying that the N-supply is guilty of projecting too. I had never looked at it that way but you’re right.
Skylar that’s why they say we can’t try to understand them from our own perception. We can’t begin to understand them, as hard as we try. It makes no sence and never will.
They are alien to us and we will never GET IT. We try to understand, supplying our own logic, and when we do we just become more baffled, by them.
I think our worst mistake is assuming that they are like us. They aren’t!
DEar Betty,
Your post above is absolutely PROFOUND AND WONDERFUL, and is what EVERY human should strive for! Congratulations on your wonderful AWAKENING and RECOVERY PATH. (((hugs))))
Oxy
you’re back! did the sun come out today?