On May 21, 2003 I was given the miracle of my life. The sociopath who had terrorized my existence for almost five years was arrested and I was set free from the web of his deceit.
Almost imperceptibly, healing began. Without his sinister presence, the FOG of his lies began to lift. Even though I was scared, and beaten down, I began to think and feel and take action for myself, not based on what he had told me was best or good for me, but based on what was best and healing and supportive of me. Without his insidious words stealing my peace of mind with every breath, I began to unravel the web of his deceit and find myself again. I began to make choices that loved me. Choices based on my thinking clearly about what I needed, not on the design of his constant weaving of lies and deceit.
One of the choices I made very early on in my recovery was to eliminate the possessive when thinking, writing or speaking of him. He was not, ”˜my’ P or S or N or even jerk. He was, ”˜the’ P or S or N or whatever I chose to call him, my favourite being, The Lie. That simple step of disconnecting from ”˜owning’ him in my language had a powerful impact. I no longer thought of him as ”˜mine’. He was depersonalized.
The choices we make in how we speak, think, write, or simply refer to the abuser have a powerful impact on how we stay connected in our minds to his abuse. In making him a noun, ”˜the P’ for example, I let go of my attachment to him. What ”˜the P’ did was not about me. It had everything to do with him. I could have called him, ”˜the sink’, ”˜the drain’, ”˜the toilet’ — it didn’t matter. As long as I didn’t call him, ‘my sink’ I wasn’t connected to what I called him. My connection was with me. I took ownership for what I did, thought, felt, said and let go of attaching myself to his name whenever I refered to him.
In erasing the possessive term from my language I was giving my psyche, and the world, a very clear message: I do not own him. He does not own me.
And that’s where the power of depersonalizing and dispossessing them of their connection to us plays out. For so long, when in that relationship, I believed he owned me. I believed he was omnipotent. I believed he knew everything I did, thought, felt, said. He knew whom I spoke to. He knew where I went. Even when he wasn’t beside me, he knew what I was thinking, doing, being. And he went to great lengths to convince me that was true.
It wasn’t.
But, as we all know, ‘truth’ doesn’t matter when we are in those relationships — it’s what he/she can get us to believe that makes the difference. What he told me was true is what counted. And, he told me he knew everything about me. He told me he had me followed. Pictures taken of me while I was unaware. He told me my phones were tapped. My house bugged. He told. I believed. In my belief he ”˜knew’, I relinquished my personal power and attached myself to the lie, he was all-powerful. He was omnipotent.
The tactics he used to convince me of his power and control are, sadly, all too common. We’ve all experienced them. We’ve all experienced the fear and confusion, the sense of utter helplessness, the overwhelming ennui that descends upon us as they manipulate and weave their web into our minds, our bodies, our spirits.
Unraveling their web, being committed to No Contact wherever possible and feasible, are two very important components of the healing path. Cutting the ties that bind in our language is also very important.
To cut the ties means to let go of the need to use the possessive. It means to claim our right to be the centre of our attention, without fear that they will overshadow our truth. It means letting go of our need to stay attached, by speaking of them as if they are ours, and embracing our freedom to make choices that with each day disconnect us from them, more and more.
We were possessed. It doesn’t mean we have to possess the evil one that possessed us.
It means, claiming our place under the sun. Bright. Shiny. Brilliant.
Betty there are so many parts to your post that I find utterly inspiring I could quote the whole lot! thanks Betty.x what a joy and comfort to read.x
kathleen, I have been struggling with guilt, and shame at my own selfishness, I guess its part of the process as things become clearer and clearer.x though,Its good to reflect on our own actions or reactions and think about what they provided for us and if they are useful or correct (for us).x
Thanks for the kind words of understanding and acceptance. The connection I’ve found here is helping me much more than I can adequately say.
Louise makes a wonderful point about the power of language: I have become much more aware of my choice of words and even the “tone of voice” I think to myself in. It matters: treating myself with respect has made recovery from the n/p much more accessible, and has changed what I accept from others.
As Kathleen said, what each of needs is different, and as long as it works, then it’s right for us. Most people here tolerate differences in where we are in healing and the various ways we express ourselves — and show support, humor, and encouragement. When I first posted here, I was suicidal — this site saved my life. The kindness I found here started my healing.
Oxy, I grew up in Texas but was born in Harrison, Arkansas. My grandma was Yocham, and I spent summers on Bull Shoals Lake. Sometimes, when I read your posts, it’s like going back there. It was a magical, peaceful place for me, and made me a confirmed skinney dipper and moon viewer.
Dear Betty,
I haven’t skinny dipped in the Mulberry river in a LONG time, but I have wonderful memories of fish nibbling at my fingers and toes—like butterfly kisses! Or standing on the ridge and looking down hundreds of feet and seeing fish swim in the clear waters!
The sky is just becoming light now, and as I look out my window I can see the dark silloutes of the trees against the gray sky, which will soon be blue—we have from now til next wednesday (the weather forecaster says anyway) before rains move back in. It will only be 60 today though so I hope the winds stay down. I bought a new (wooden) front door to replace my heavier metal one which actually was COUINTER PRODUCTIVE in heat/cold exchange in my house, so today I will paint it —a nice bright blue, to set off my chocolate brown house!
I live in the hills, not the mountains, of N/W central Arkansas and it is mostly a peaceful place, but with the huge influx of the “oil field trash” coming in to drill for the natural gas under our area, it isn’t quite as peaceful as it was when I was a kid roaming these hills on my horse, but back here in the woods, I’m out of teh sight of it, though i do hear it, or see the glow at night from the tall rigs, and dodge the hundreds of big trucks on my way to town. Back in my “hole-in-the-woods” it IS peaceful though, so that is what I focus on.
I can hear the love for your home in your post Oxy. It makes me wish I could be there with you.
Dear Kim,
Yes, I do love this place, but after I had to flee for my life and leave it behind (thinking there was little to ono chance I could ever come back) I realized something about even the MOST valued possessions we have—-THERE IS NOTHING SACRED ABOUT STUFF—-or a place on the map—what IS SACRED is ourselves! I realized that in terms of my “spirituality” I had almost made this place an IDOL—it was TOO important to me, and I realized that I am NOT DEFINED by this piece of ground, no matter HHOW LONG my family has been here, or HOW MUCH love and work I have put into it—-it is just a piece of dirt, a place on the map. I am NO LONGER enslaved like a SERF, “tied to the land” I realized there were no lemotional bars holding me here any longer, I COULD LEAVE and still be ME.
I STILL LOVE my hole in the woods, but no I am no longer TIED TO IT, and I stay here as long as I can be SAFE, but I will leave without much of a backward glance if I need to.
I have come to look at possessions, even prescious ones as “just stuff”—-no reason to mourn them, no reason to be angry that someone stole them, they are GONE just the same, and in the end no one takes a U-HAUL to the GRAVEYARD.
I don’t remember if you ever read the story or saw the movie about “all the land you need” (can’t remember the exact title) but this man could have a land grant for free, but the catch was, he had to walk the boundaries and be back by dark or he got NO land so it was important that he not try to take TOO much, but just as much as he could be sure of getting back by dark, and as the man walked he was new fertile areas and he thought, “well, I’ll walk just over there” and that went on all day. He was so tired and so thirsty and so on that when the sun went down and he was running hard to get back to the starting point so the whole thing wouldn’t be in vain that as he reached the starting point and lay down and died….he got ALL THE LAND A MAN NEEDS, a GRAVE.
If I stayed here I would have had “all the land a woman needs” and so I left, with tears in my heart and on my face, but I came back realizing that I won’t exchange my safety for it….I will be happy wherever I go because I will take ME with myself, and not feel I have lost anything TRULY NEED.
The sun is starting to break through the trees now and peep into my clearning, lighting up the early fall colors of a green-brown with a bit of gold and the trees are no longer just black shapes against the gray.
I have two (maybe 3) cows that should have babies today or tomorrow, I’m not sure how they can walk, as fat and ready as they are. I’m glad they didn’t have them when it was raining and there were huge puddles of water in the fields. The water was so deep in some places the babies actually might have drowned when they hit the ground.
These will be my last purebred Scottish Highland calves (they look like Ewoks from Star Wars when they are babies!) as I no longer have their father—well, yes, I do, but he STAYS in my FREEZER—he kind of had a nasty disposition—I hope these calves take their dispositions after their mothers. If NOT—–oh, well, they can go join their daddy when they are weaned! LOL At least I have some control over P-acting cows! LOL
Thanks for the story, Oxy. I guess I have all the land I need, as well.
I was just sitting here, reading about Venn Diagrams — started a post, and it vanished into the ether!
You’re right, Oxy – there are places I love, and there’s much that’s beautiful from my time in Arkansas, and also here in California – but my true home is Me! Once I worked out that stuff is just stuff (which can be a challenge to do in our culture), I began to understand what is really important to me, and that’s my life and well-being, and the way I treat myself and others and allow myself to be treated.
The goals I looked to — and they were good ones, like a degree and a solid marriage — were fine, but I was missing out by placing happiness in the future and grounding it in what others could bring to me. I don’t know if I could successfully do what you did, go on the run and live from scratch — but right now I can live this moment and create my own happiness. I have confidence that I can learn new skills as I need them, and more respect for myself than ever before.
Thanks for writing — I was feeling lonely and needed the company. I’ll bet your new door looks great. I am headed out to take myself for a long walk: the local park looks down into a canyon, and it’s an absolutely lovely view. There were a couple of hawks soaring around the rim, and today, I think I know how they feel.
Dear Betty,
I just BET that you could DO ANYTHING you needed to. The strength I have seen grow in you since you first came on LF is AMAZING and AWESOME!!!!
One side of the new door is painted (and I am semi-painted!) LOL spent most of the day outside and working and now am “cripping” along like an old lady—maybe because I am an old lady! LOL Sure am an OUT OF SHAPE one! Did get a lot done though, but have decided to reward myself with the rest of the day off from manual labor! Supper is cooked in the crock pot!
Even the goats were glad to get outside today and ran from the barn to the pasture to graze! I mucked out their stall is why I am gimping along—it was nasty from them being inside so much lately, but is now fresh and clean with fresh bedding! Actually, I think I will go back outside and see if I have a new calf! Got two ready to “bingo” any second now!
Betty, am glad you are enjoying a nice walk and a great view. I love hawks, there is a red tail hawk nest not far from our house, high up in a pine tree. I was suprised as they usually dont[‘ nest close to people. We’ve avoided that area though so we don’t disturb them, but will check it soon and see if they were there again this year. (You can usually find feathers on the ground under them if they are nesting there)
Have a great day, Betty, and keep up the good work you are doing! (((hugs))))
hmmmm… I got my first kiss in I don’t know how many years, today. It was nice.
My xP never wanted to kiss, not even during sex.
So I’m thinking the last kiss I got was from a stranger about 15 years ago. And as far as genuine affection, well that’s been almost 26 years.
I was talking to my friend and I told him about the phone call with my xP 2 days ago where he suggested that we meet at a psychologists office for a therapy session so that a therapist can confirm/deny that my xP is a sociopath. I also told my friend about the emails that the xP kept sending me that we had to meet a lawyers office to sign papers which he had drawn up. (papers which I know don’t exist).
Previously, in posting here on LF I had come to the conclusion that he is just trying to take my house. But now I’m not sure. While talkiing to my friend, I saw a pattern:
My xP repels all suggestions that we meet to talk. But then he suggests that we meet a lawyers office or a therapists office. Both suggestions are a trap, but I can’t figure out what the trap is. Of course I’m not going. Any thoughts? Other than the obvious?