On May 21, 2003 I was given the miracle of my life. The sociopath who had terrorized my existence for almost five years was arrested and I was set free from the web of his deceit.
Almost imperceptibly, healing began. Without his sinister presence, the FOG of his lies began to lift. Even though I was scared, and beaten down, I began to think and feel and take action for myself, not based on what he had told me was best or good for me, but based on what was best and healing and supportive of me. Without his insidious words stealing my peace of mind with every breath, I began to unravel the web of his deceit and find myself again. I began to make choices that loved me. Choices based on my thinking clearly about what I needed, not on the design of his constant weaving of lies and deceit.
One of the choices I made very early on in my recovery was to eliminate the possessive when thinking, writing or speaking of him. He was not, ”˜my’ P or S or N or even jerk. He was, ”˜the’ P or S or N or whatever I chose to call him, my favourite being, The Lie. That simple step of disconnecting from ”˜owning’ him in my language had a powerful impact. I no longer thought of him as ”˜mine’. He was depersonalized.
The choices we make in how we speak, think, write, or simply refer to the abuser have a powerful impact on how we stay connected in our minds to his abuse. In making him a noun, ”˜the P’ for example, I let go of my attachment to him. What ”˜the P’ did was not about me. It had everything to do with him. I could have called him, ”˜the sink’, ”˜the drain’, ”˜the toilet’ — it didn’t matter. As long as I didn’t call him, ‘my sink’ I wasn’t connected to what I called him. My connection was with me. I took ownership for what I did, thought, felt, said and let go of attaching myself to his name whenever I refered to him.
In erasing the possessive term from my language I was giving my psyche, and the world, a very clear message: I do not own him. He does not own me.
And that’s where the power of depersonalizing and dispossessing them of their connection to us plays out. For so long, when in that relationship, I believed he owned me. I believed he was omnipotent. I believed he knew everything I did, thought, felt, said. He knew whom I spoke to. He knew where I went. Even when he wasn’t beside me, he knew what I was thinking, doing, being. And he went to great lengths to convince me that was true.
It wasn’t.
But, as we all know, ‘truth’ doesn’t matter when we are in those relationships — it’s what he/she can get us to believe that makes the difference. What he told me was true is what counted. And, he told me he knew everything about me. He told me he had me followed. Pictures taken of me while I was unaware. He told me my phones were tapped. My house bugged. He told. I believed. In my belief he ”˜knew’, I relinquished my personal power and attached myself to the lie, he was all-powerful. He was omnipotent.
The tactics he used to convince me of his power and control are, sadly, all too common. We’ve all experienced them. We’ve all experienced the fear and confusion, the sense of utter helplessness, the overwhelming ennui that descends upon us as they manipulate and weave their web into our minds, our bodies, our spirits.
Unraveling their web, being committed to No Contact wherever possible and feasible, are two very important components of the healing path. Cutting the ties that bind in our language is also very important.
To cut the ties means to let go of the need to use the possessive. It means to claim our right to be the centre of our attention, without fear that they will overshadow our truth. It means letting go of our need to stay attached, by speaking of them as if they are ours, and embracing our freedom to make choices that with each day disconnect us from them, more and more.
We were possessed. It doesn’t mean we have to possess the evil one that possessed us.
It means, claiming our place under the sun. Bright. Shiny. Brilliant.
I’d like to hear about the kiss first.
Maybe the P is just trying to appease you so you’ll sign the papers.
skylar,
well you know as well as I do that as often as you can “nail” it right on the head, what it is that they might be planning/thinking…..Occasionaly they throw a curve into things, and we are stumped as to the underlying motive.
Maybe after going N/C for so long and him trying to get you to respond to his emails time after time, he thought he would throw you a bone, during your phone conversation.
It is possible that he has no intention of showing up for a therapy session but he knew that if he told you that the conversation would end then and there?
Or maybe he is going for the pity ploy as you have mentioned that is how he worked you in the past? If he gets you “thinking” and you open the “door” just a wee bit because you think he is willing to try and “change his ways”…..He might think this is a good way to distract you to what he is really up to?
yes, i agree that he is trying to lure/appease me, but I also think that the papers are a ploy too. i don’t think there are papers.
Well, my friend, whom I kissed, texted me to come to his house for another kiss, just when I was talking to the xP. so I hung up on the xP. (of course) and then he called back & left me a message saying that I had pushed him to moving forward with the courts.
I have struck out with 2 lawyers and the king county bar association won’t refer me because the issue isn’t in king county, it’s in island county.
SC, the kiss was nice but we were on a street corner and we’re both capricorns so we restrained ourselves. He has been wanting to kiss me for several years, so today I decided that he’s not a P (because he has a good sense of humor, but is not exciting like a P would be). I thought a kiss would be good for my foul mood, and it has been. I was able to ward off the xP’s foulness and actually hung up on him and feel barely anything. So I’m going over to my friend’s house for another kiss and a glass of wine and a movie…. but nothing else.
http://news.aol.com/article/minn-man-suspected-of-encouraging/721208?cid=12
THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!
The russian scientist, Pavlov, tried this experiment with dogs,{as you probably know}. Every time he fed this dog, he rang a bell. Pretty soon, even if he did not feed the dog, all that had to do was ring the bell, and the dog salivated, in expectation of the meal, [which did not come. } Time after time, he rang the bell, and the dog salivated. This is what Narcopaths do. They only have to rattle our cage slightly, and we show up, salivating, in the vain hope of love, sex, or whatever, which they never give.Its all done to give them power, and to torture us. We have all been there, done that.Remember,THEY NEVER CHANGE!!! love gem.XX
hi all. major news.
ran into “THE” s/p/n today … after avoiding the slimy, dispicable lie for 14 months. it was as though i was badly scraped by a demonic force that was unseen, because strangely — i have NO idea how — i never saw his face.
i was walking near his bank and saw his car parked out front. he was always at the friggin’ bank, trying to finagle another loan. i thought ‘bad idea’ and began to cross the street. half way across, on the median, i hear his voice, seductive and playful “this is how a BRUTHA does it” and next thing i know his arm is going around my shoulders from behind. when i heard his voice, my entire body said, ‘SHIT!’ i went to auto-pilot. i heard myself say, calmly, but firmly, as i used my arm to whisk him away from me, ” i reeeally don’t want anything to do with you.” my disgust dripped from my words.
in a sweet voice, he replied. ”i know; i just wanted to say hello.” and he was gone, like a vapor in the wind. i could feel the energy move away; an inaudible wind.
by the sheer will of GOD, i never saw his face, nor his eyes. he never moved in front of me. i avoided seeing the demon in him, and he was denied the angel in me. i have NO idea what he was wearing. i only recall a glimpse of his hand holding his omnipresent cellphone.
i walked into the nearest store and tried to breathe. my heart was pounding. i stayed there for 10 minutes. i walked outside. his car was still across the street; and the huge window of the bank held his preying eyes.
i just stood there, paralyzed, for another 10 minutes. then, an 18-wheeler and a bus blocked the bank long enough for me to move past, and continue home.
while walking up the block, i started to cry. i felt invaded. the hatred welled in me. how DARE he think he could approach me … touch me …
it gets better.
once home i plugged in my phone, which died during the day. message. spath-hole. “(my name), you nevvver have to be afraid of me. i was really shocked that you acted scared. you know i would NEVER HURT YOU(!!); you’re like family. that’s one thing you never have to be afraid of. okay. hope you’re aight.” :::blood (mine) boiling!:::
AS IF!!! afraid!?!? if anything, i’m afraid i’m going to punch the crap out of him! fear? are you kidding!? i HATE you! yea, that’s right HATE! i wanted to call him and text him and make sure he KNEW that it wasn’t fear … it was just that i didn’t want his vile, oozing lying skankin’ self near me!
okay. so, i freak out and cry a bit, and wonder this and wonder that … then i realize:
IT WAS ALL JUST A LITTLE DRAMA. A PLAY. STARRING ASSHOLE JUVIE BOY as himself.
he KNEW i wasn’t afraid. just another manipulation! he knew that would piss me off. he knew if he tried to talk to me after how i blew him off that he’d be up against a scene in the middle of broadway. he backed off. he still has no clue about the path of destruction he has always left behind. gross. sick. uck. ick. bleech!
so. i’m good. i’m really ticked that he broke my 14 month winning streak, but it is TRULY amazing that i never actually saw him. it was so otherworldly — and likely impossible — without divine intervention. thank you god.
TOWANDA!
LIG,
Great realization. AND SO TRUE. Just a total pathological drama, of the lowest kind. Not something you have to connect to, in any way. You let that shit roll right off your angelic self.
Towanda indeed!!!!!!!
LIG, WOW, you handled that brilliantly! I can sympathize with you about the heart pounding, I’m so glad you had a chance to breathe, so glad the bus and truck came by, glad you let yourself cry. Yes, a drama starring him, ugh. You are right about the divine intervention, never having to see his face, fabulous!
LIG, you did great!!!! I’m sorry you had to run into that worthless, soul destroying piece of crap, trying to cozy up to you after everything he did to you. But if it was a test, you passed with flying colors.