On May 21, 2003 I was given the miracle of my life. The sociopath who had terrorized my existence for almost five years was arrested and I was set free from the web of his deceit.
Almost imperceptibly, healing began. Without his sinister presence, the FOG of his lies began to lift. Even though I was scared, and beaten down, I began to think and feel and take action for myself, not based on what he had told me was best or good for me, but based on what was best and healing and supportive of me. Without his insidious words stealing my peace of mind with every breath, I began to unravel the web of his deceit and find myself again. I began to make choices that loved me. Choices based on my thinking clearly about what I needed, not on the design of his constant weaving of lies and deceit.
One of the choices I made very early on in my recovery was to eliminate the possessive when thinking, writing or speaking of him. He was not, ”˜my’ P or S or N or even jerk. He was, ”˜the’ P or S or N or whatever I chose to call him, my favourite being, The Lie. That simple step of disconnecting from ”˜owning’ him in my language had a powerful impact. I no longer thought of him as ”˜mine’. He was depersonalized.
The choices we make in how we speak, think, write, or simply refer to the abuser have a powerful impact on how we stay connected in our minds to his abuse. In making him a noun, ”˜the P’ for example, I let go of my attachment to him. What ”˜the P’ did was not about me. It had everything to do with him. I could have called him, ”˜the sink’, ”˜the drain’, ”˜the toilet’ — it didn’t matter. As long as I didn’t call him, ‘my sink’ I wasn’t connected to what I called him. My connection was with me. I took ownership for what I did, thought, felt, said and let go of attaching myself to his name whenever I refered to him.
In erasing the possessive term from my language I was giving my psyche, and the world, a very clear message: I do not own him. He does not own me.
And that’s where the power of depersonalizing and dispossessing them of their connection to us plays out. For so long, when in that relationship, I believed he owned me. I believed he was omnipotent. I believed he knew everything I did, thought, felt, said. He knew whom I spoke to. He knew where I went. Even when he wasn’t beside me, he knew what I was thinking, doing, being. And he went to great lengths to convince me that was true.
It wasn’t.
But, as we all know, ‘truth’ doesn’t matter when we are in those relationships — it’s what he/she can get us to believe that makes the difference. What he told me was true is what counted. And, he told me he knew everything about me. He told me he had me followed. Pictures taken of me while I was unaware. He told me my phones were tapped. My house bugged. He told. I believed. In my belief he ”˜knew’, I relinquished my personal power and attached myself to the lie, he was all-powerful. He was omnipotent.
The tactics he used to convince me of his power and control are, sadly, all too common. We’ve all experienced them. We’ve all experienced the fear and confusion, the sense of utter helplessness, the overwhelming ennui that descends upon us as they manipulate and weave their web into our minds, our bodies, our spirits.
Unraveling their web, being committed to No Contact wherever possible and feasible, are two very important components of the healing path. Cutting the ties that bind in our language is also very important.
To cut the ties means to let go of the need to use the possessive. It means to claim our right to be the centre of our attention, without fear that they will overshadow our truth. It means letting go of our need to stay attached, by speaking of them as if they are ours, and embracing our freedom to make choices that with each day disconnect us from them, more and more.
We were possessed. It doesn’t mean we have to possess the evil one that possessed us.
It means, claiming our place under the sun. Bright. Shiny. Brilliant.
Polly, am I understanding that you are still living w/him?
skylar,
Can you tell me how to change my password on my email account?
My son actually knows most of my passwords because he set up my accounts long ago.
I think I need to change some of this stuff and I am not sure where to begin.
I am sorry that I am so computer illiterate. But I don’t see nothing on my email account face page that says anything about changing a password?
witsend, I’m out the door right now but, tell me who your Internet Service Provider is or do you have an email from yahoo, google, or AOL?
when you get your email, does it go to microsoft outlook or are you reading it from a website?
Skylar,
It is hotmail.
KH,
I don’t know if the timing is right to say this (if someone had said this to me last year, I would have punched them!)….I see you reacting to all of these needy and predatory people in your life. It leaves little time for truly joyful and relaxing things. What if, rather than trying to figure out how to deal with these people, you asked yourself what you DO want! Can you conjure up a feeling of what it would be like to have a man genuinely care for you? What would that look like? What would it feel like? What would it feel like to have a good job? What would the feeling of peace and happiness be like? If you can conjure up that feeling, you will naturally let the substandard jobs and man fall away. They were not meant for you. Does that make sense? I do believe that when we change ourselves, our beliefs, and our standards, we just naturally attract a different quality of people into our lives.
I don’t know if any of that is helpful, but if not, how ’bout just a cyberhug?!
I have been reading “Children of the Self-Absorbed”. The book lists a few affirmations. One of them I’ve been using: “My life is happy and fulfilling”. Since I’ve been using this affirmation, I’ll be damned but my life does feel more happy and fulfilling. I’m learning you can actually will yourself to be happy.
Love,
Star
Yes Skylar you are correct in that observation. We have been separated 2 yrs now. He moved out when I ended it after 6 weeks of hell in the house and stayed away for almost a year – apart from manipulating me for meals, to do his laundry and to give him money to ‘help him out’.
I was finding it very hard to pay for everything for the house, take care of six pets and support my mum who wasn’t able to find work at the time. He stalled on getting the paperwork signed for me to take over the mortgage and finish the renovations. He of course was being so so nice to met at the time and was coming over for dinner several times a week. I stupidly asked him to move back as a flatmate and that was nearly a yr ago. He just won’t move. And I have no spare money now.
He also won’t make any decisions about the pets and I can’t cope with looking after six by myself. I did it for the yr he was gone and it just about killed me! He won’t let me rehome them and keeps changing his mind about whether he will take any with him. It is a horrible game, I asked for them to be rehomed two yrs ago so the bonding could die down and I wouldn’t continue to get attached to them, but of course he wants to make this really hard for me.
He keeps promising he will rehome them and then does nothing. I don’t think I can manage to rehome them – it brings up too much loss for me. They will be difficult to find homes for as well with many having ‘special needs’. All but one of the cats were wild and have residual issues from this. One of the dogs has a post vaccine eye condition and would be put to sleep as would most of the cats. So the SPCA or a shelter is not an option. I tried to rehome two of the cats last yr and ended up with them back home after four days as they wouldn’t eat and wouldn’t settle. So this is just heartbreak for me. I know they are animals but they have been my substitute children and I adore them. It will kill me to have to find new homes for them.
I have recently engaged a new lawyer and she is hopeful that offering him a sum of money will get him out permanently. The manipulation has been horrific. He guilts me at every turn. He simply doesn’t take care of himself – it works real well on someone like me who can’t bear to see anyone suffering.
When he shifted out he took a room in a boarding house rather than a room in a proper home. So he lived like a vagrant – can’t cook, doesn’t look after his clothes or appearance. He drank for that first yr – supposedly out of misery about the relationship being over – ha! A person who REALLY felt like that would have made some effort long before the end rather than crying crocodile tears at the end.
So that is me – very awkward situation and I am unable to go non contact at the moment. He has no people here either – his family is in california halfway round the world. So these are all elements that have complicated the end …as well as the baby that created trauma bonding. It has been the worst experience of my life without doubt. Worse than losing my virginity by being raped, worse than being abandoned by my father, worse than my stepfather making a pass at me, worse than the abuse my mother railed at me for ‘ruining’ her second marriage by ‘inviting’ the pass. It’s just the latest in a long line of abuses. I was well primed for his arrival in my life.
I too have been reading Children of the Self Absorbed – fascinating reading! All this ends with me. I am determined to understand and learn so that I don’t wreak havoc on someone else’s life.
Happy Monday everyone!
Polly, You CAN take care of six pets. I have 5 cats which the xP thought would tie me to our house so I could never abandon him again, but I threw all 5 into the little sports car in the middle of the night and I ran away.
GET RID OF HIM. Call the sherrif and have him carted away.
DO NOT GIVE HIM MONEY TO GET HIM TO LEAVE. I thought you didn’t have any money anyway. Where would you get that money?
DO NOT GIVE HIM EMOTIONS.
These are his addictions and the more you give him the more he will leave or if he leaves he will keep coming back.
His survival is HIS problem, not yours. He is faking his inability to find food/shelter. He is a narcissist and they love manipulating others to take care of them even though they could take care of themselves. They are very good at surviving – unfortunately. You don’t have to keep him there.
THROW HIM OUT.
Witsend,
Go to your hotmail account and left-click on the top right corner where it says your screen name. Choose “VIEW YOUR ACCOUNT”.
In the middle of the page is a section for changing your password.
witsend, you should also delete your browsing history, and have it delete automatically every everytime you exit your internet browser (it will delete any saved passwords you have on some accounts also).
skylar,
thanks:) Now how do I do what shabby is saying would be a good idea for me to do.
I told you I am really bad when ot comes to this stuff..