It has been a long while since I contributed to the Lovefraud blog roll — I’m excited about being back. Excited to share with you my healing journey. It has been almost six years since I was set free of Conrad, the man who promised to love me ’til death do us part and who then went about taking the ’til death part’ way too seriously. In that time, my life has flourished and grown and I’ve become stronger, more vibrant, more confident and committed to living the life of my dreams. I look forward to being here more often!
The greatest discovery of this generation is that a human being can alter their life by altering their attitude. William James
Attitude. We’ve all got it. We all project it. And sometimes, it gets in our way.
Who hasn’t heard the question, Is your cup half full or half empty? George Carlin once replied when asked if he saw a half empty or half full cup, “I see a glass twice as big as it needs to be.”
It’s all in our attitude.
But where does attitude come from? And what do we do when it needs an adjustment?
When I was with Conrad he used to tell me that one of my problems (and he had many for me) was that I didn’t believe in evil. Didn’t believe people were capable of ‘being bad’.
Now, I will attest to the fact that I believe 99% of human beings are fundamentally good. At our core lives the essence of brilliance that creates our most magnificent selves. I believe the journey through childhood into maturity is about reclaiming the magnificence with which we were born. And I believe, if given the opportunity, most of us would rather do good than harm.
In Conrad’s perspective, all people were born to be bad. In challenging me on my belief in the fundamental goodness of the human being, he set out to prove I was wrong. In my disbelief, in my refusal to face reality, that there are some people in this world who live in the shadow, in the dark side of human being, I was at risk of Conrad’s manipulations. Because I refused to accept some people are evil, I could not accept he was doing evil.
In my awakening, I was given the gift of sight. Yes. There is evil in this world and people willing and capable of furthering it. With eyes wide open, I was able to step into the truth of what happened to me, of what I did, of what he did. I was able to face reality, forgive myself (and him) and love myself, warts and all.
I work in homeless shelter. It is a world where evil is perpetrated on vulnerable people every day. I work in a world where people have lost their inner light. Untethered from the mores and values of a just and caring society, they wander the streets, aimless and directionless, without a moral compass to guide them home. Huddled beneath the shadow of towering skyscrapers and back alleys, they encounter evil every day and become their worst fears; a fallen human being willing to do anything to stay alive, including abusing drugs, alcohol and each other, in order to numb the pain of their existence.
In their crumbled state, their attitude of defeat gets in their way of finding the light to guide them home, back to where they belong.
Stuck in the shadows, they begin to believe, the world is against me. There is no hope. I am worthless.
And in their belief; this is all I’m worth, they buy into the myth that we live in a world of evil. Everybody’s doing it. Why not me?
Everybody is not evil. This is not an evil world. Evil does exist — call it badness, narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, self-centeredness, cruelty. Whatever you call it, it is behaviour fostered by an attitude of entitlement that leads people to do evil.
Was Conrad evil? I believe he has a ‘bad attitude’ fostered by a perspective of living that says, what I want is what I deserve. Getting it is all that counts. And I will do anything to get what I want, regardless of the consequences to anyone else.
I believe there are people in this world who share that attitude. People for whom what they want is all that counts, to hell with the consequences, to hell with the impact upon other people, upon our world.
I can’t change anyone else’s attitude. I can adjust mine. In a time where the world appears to be spinning out of control, where markets tumble and fortunes crumble, I take a breath and remind myself — I can’t stop the world. Can’t change it. I can change my attitude to make a difference in my world today. I can be the light I am seeking. I can be the change I want to create. I can keep abuse out of my life by standing true to me, by turning up for me and loving myself, exactly the way I am.
Life is an adventure worth living. It is a constant journey into peace, love and joy that moves me closer to my brilliant core, my life force that says, I am one magnificent human being living, as Joseph Campbell once stated, in the rapture of being alive.
M. L….Thanks. Glad to see you back. There is evil in the world. It took me about 55 years to realize it. Once you do, your way of viewing the world changes. And you learn about yourself and how to protect yourself. It also makes the good in the world look brighter in contrast. Living and learning, on the journey….
M.L. Gallagher,
I salute the survivor in you.
Like you, I’ve struggled to come to terms with the reality of human evil. It was only in the last few years that I accepted that some people had ill intentions.
I’d been accused over and over again of wearing “rose colored glasses”, yet found I didn’t want to exchange them for “poop colored glasses”. Adopting the same grim point of view of the personality disordered and their miserable associates wasn’t what I envisioned for my life.
Now that I feel no shame in saying “No!”, “Back Off!”, and “Give me time and space, please.”, I’ve found a grim outlook has become unnecessary. Maintaining boundaries has allowed me to focus on the people I love and the activities that bring me joy.
Knowing about evil doesn’t have to ruin our lives. I like to think that the Sociopath did me a favor when he forced me to see him for what he was. Seeing him allowed me to see he wasn’t alone. Now I have a better chance of avoiding entanglements with cluster Bs.
hey guys, i taked to one of the s. exes from almost 10 years ago and she said just exactly what you said in your post, “some people just like to hurt and she had seen him make his mom and his sisters cry” she seemed pretty intelligent and i guess from that distance could see it for what it really is. She described him as “Highly Toxic” and his next wife when i said Toxic also responded In “that’s a great word” for him. He likes to think it’s personality clashes with all the women but how can we all clash, in fact i get along pretty fine with pretty much anyone and everyone i’ve ever met. love kh
Dear M.L.
Life IS an adventure worth living…experiences HAPPEN…if we actually survive them…then we can and will get past them…with good tools, therapy, support and ATTITUDE — anything is possible. Just gotta believe. The power of separating yourself from someone elses “bad ways, bad choices” – is well within our hands. He lied to me, he cheated, he stole, he used, he abused. The shock of all of it left me in a fetal position on my bed…what to do?? live or die of malnutrition/lack of sunlight/hollow spirit….LIVE, Duh!!!! – he was only an experience in my life — a bad man, and a bad choice after the red flags flew– I had to learn and grow and change my ways and my thoughts — he gave me nothing but superficialness. It was just time for me to put it into perspective – get my chit together – and a new attitude!
I AM ONE MAGNIFICENT HUMAN BEING THAT HE LOST THE OPPORTUNITY TO KNOW AND I GAINED THE OPPORTUNITY TO ENJOY THE RAPTURE OF BEING ALIVE! IF I HAD STAYED WITH HIM NEVER WOULD I FEEL OR SEE MY BEAUTY WITHIN AND NEVER WOULD I ENJOY BEING ALIVE.
LET GO! ITS A BEAUTIFUL THING.
THANKS M.L. FOR YOUR DAILY INSPIRATIONS AND INSIGHTS!! AND THIS REINFORCING ARTICLE THAT WE ARE ALL ABLE TO ADJUST OUR ATTITUDES AND HEAL WHEN WE ARE READY!!!!
Hello everyone, Let go — it’s a beautiful thing! How true.
Nice to see you all and to see the growth and healing you are experiencing.
Life for me is a constant joy, a continuous journey into being the best me I can be in the moment.
Life continually expands as I continue to grow beyond the memories of ‘that time’ and live joyfully in the reality of now.
Hugs to you all
Louise
I realized how much I unintentionally focused on the negative, especially following the devastation of my life by the actions of the n/p, because I felt overwhelmingly worthless. It hit me that my “filter” was set on super-sensitive and honed in on negative things, which most likely began in the home of my alcoholic father. I decided I didn’t want to live that way any longer, and that I would take this time of recovery from the n/p to redesign my life.
Who knew? I’m taking a course on joy…this sounds entirely daft and fluffy to my family, but it’s changing my life for much the better. The course book is called “How We Choose To Be Happy: The 9 Choices of Extremely Happy People,” by Foster and Hicks, and the core choices detailed in this book often appear in postings on overcoming here at LF. The first choice, for example, is intention (the choice and commitment to be happy)…think of OxDrover, and her repeated statement that she will never leave her healing path again, and how rich her internal life has become as a result of that choice. To anyone who’s read her wonderful comments, that demonstrates something of the power of intention!
Still I have a long way to go, and my life is far from being on track again, but I’m inspired by discovering MY answers, the ones that work for me, and I probably wouldn’t have sought them out if I hadn’t been shaken to the core at the hands of the n/p. I’m determined not to waste even a moment of my precious time missing out on the wonder of being alive — I feel it keenly, often at the most ordinary times: I have learned to treasure these moments of peace, and I laugh a lot more these days.
As a beginning practitioner of Tibetan Buddhism, I was surprised to learn that when encountering a demon, the Tibetans ask the demon in for a chat. What a plot twist that would be for Hollywood movies of exorcism, but that’s what they do: they ask the demon what it has to teach them, they offer respect to its power, and then, when it realizes you’re not caught up in the drama of its threats, it leaves.
So I thought of my “demon,” the n/p professor who stopped my degree process in graduate school and halted my dream of teaching, and I realized that the main thing I had learned from dealing with the chaos and misery she caused was to treasure that remarkable spark of brilliant love and light at my core, and to consider how bleak and immeasurably lonely life would have been without it. For all the harm she did, she must have at least put hers on dim, if she hasn’t smothered it all together. I’ve forgiven her for the sake of my peace, but I don’t hesitate to protect myself, and No Contact is the best way to do that.
“Eyes open; Spirit Open”…It’s finally good to be alive!
Betty…good to hear from you. I remember your story well. I think my first reaction was “wow”. Now it’s “WOW!”. Be alive! Be YOU! TOWANDA!
Living life in true JOY and PEACE is a “new” experience for me. Though I have had happy moments and happy times in the past, but not in total JOY and PEACE and not feeling like joy and peace are “temporary” things is a new experience. It is wonderful and helps me realize that “no matter what happens” Ii am going to be OK. The situation of life isn’t what makes Joy or Peace, but what is inside me. Thank you M.L. you are a great inspiration!
I have recently started reading “Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Soul” by Sarah Ban Breathnach. She says that women are most likely to run into one or two bad men. My former boyfriend’s behavior devasted me. But I knew the Universe was working out something big in me and my experience with him was the catalyst. Ms. Breathnach says:
“Bad men are spiritual graces in disguise to teach us, through torment, to love ourselves.”
I am having a love affair with life. I will listen to my intuition.
The book is written toward a female audience but I think men would appreciate it, too.
Morgan…“Bad men are spiritual graces in disguise to teach us, through torment, to love ourselves.”
Well, I guess in the grand design of things that is one way to look at, after you have experienced one. I agree they’re in disguise, but I’m not sure they are spiritual graces of a good nature. If I was in charge…there must be a better way. And I certainly wouldn’t want to wish them on anyone who is nice already, as they are.
Why would I sign up for torment to learn to love myself? Seems kind of masochistic….but then, if the end result is loving yourself…and you’ve been devastated…that’s better than not loving youself.
More coffee…I’m getting confused. LOL.
Morgan….glad you’re here…just my random thoughts….don’t take ’em personally.