It has been a long while since I contributed to the Lovefraud blog roll — I’m excited about being back. Excited to share with you my healing journey. It has been almost six years since I was set free of Conrad, the man who promised to love me ’til death do us part and who then went about taking the ’til death part’ way too seriously. In that time, my life has flourished and grown and I’ve become stronger, more vibrant, more confident and committed to living the life of my dreams. I look forward to being here more often!
The greatest discovery of this generation is that a human being can alter their life by altering their attitude. William James
Attitude. We’ve all got it. We all project it. And sometimes, it gets in our way.
Who hasn’t heard the question, Is your cup half full or half empty? George Carlin once replied when asked if he saw a half empty or half full cup, “I see a glass twice as big as it needs to be.”
It’s all in our attitude.
But where does attitude come from? And what do we do when it needs an adjustment?
When I was with Conrad he used to tell me that one of my problems (and he had many for me) was that I didn’t believe in evil. Didn’t believe people were capable of ‘being bad’.
Now, I will attest to the fact that I believe 99% of human beings are fundamentally good. At our core lives the essence of brilliance that creates our most magnificent selves. I believe the journey through childhood into maturity is about reclaiming the magnificence with which we were born. And I believe, if given the opportunity, most of us would rather do good than harm.
In Conrad’s perspective, all people were born to be bad. In challenging me on my belief in the fundamental goodness of the human being, he set out to prove I was wrong. In my disbelief, in my refusal to face reality, that there are some people in this world who live in the shadow, in the dark side of human being, I was at risk of Conrad’s manipulations. Because I refused to accept some people are evil, I could not accept he was doing evil.
In my awakening, I was given the gift of sight. Yes. There is evil in this world and people willing and capable of furthering it. With eyes wide open, I was able to step into the truth of what happened to me, of what I did, of what he did. I was able to face reality, forgive myself (and him) and love myself, warts and all.
I work in homeless shelter. It is a world where evil is perpetrated on vulnerable people every day. I work in a world where people have lost their inner light. Untethered from the mores and values of a just and caring society, they wander the streets, aimless and directionless, without a moral compass to guide them home. Huddled beneath the shadow of towering skyscrapers and back alleys, they encounter evil every day and become their worst fears; a fallen human being willing to do anything to stay alive, including abusing drugs, alcohol and each other, in order to numb the pain of their existence.
In their crumbled state, their attitude of defeat gets in their way of finding the light to guide them home, back to where they belong.
Stuck in the shadows, they begin to believe, the world is against me. There is no hope. I am worthless.
And in their belief; this is all I’m worth, they buy into the myth that we live in a world of evil. Everybody’s doing it. Why not me?
Everybody is not evil. This is not an evil world. Evil does exist — call it badness, narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, self-centeredness, cruelty. Whatever you call it, it is behaviour fostered by an attitude of entitlement that leads people to do evil.
Was Conrad evil? I believe he has a ‘bad attitude’ fostered by a perspective of living that says, what I want is what I deserve. Getting it is all that counts. And I will do anything to get what I want, regardless of the consequences to anyone else.
I believe there are people in this world who share that attitude. People for whom what they want is all that counts, to hell with the consequences, to hell with the impact upon other people, upon our world.
I can’t change anyone else’s attitude. I can adjust mine. In a time where the world appears to be spinning out of control, where markets tumble and fortunes crumble, I take a breath and remind myself — I can’t stop the world. Can’t change it. I can change my attitude to make a difference in my world today. I can be the light I am seeking. I can be the change I want to create. I can keep abuse out of my life by standing true to me, by turning up for me and loving myself, exactly the way I am.
Life is an adventure worth living. It is a constant journey into peace, love and joy that moves me closer to my brilliant core, my life force that says, I am one magnificent human being living, as Joseph Campbell once stated, in the rapture of being alive.
I need explanation of what loving yourself feels like…..
Really…I am so good at doing things for others and I get pleasure out of it. And there are things I like to do…….not now but I used to….
But I don’t have a handle on LOVE YOURSELF………..
Input please……………..
Dear Newlife,
I can relate to your question very much….I find that with myself the loving myself came on GRADUALLY as I realized that I could and SHOULD set boundaries for how others treated me.
My whole life it seemed was trying to makek OTHERS happy and if they did something unfair to me or even mean I was not “allowed” (by guilty feelings) to “upset” them by confronting them about their behavior….especially if it was in any way SUBTLE.
I had a couple in my life that were “close to” my adopted son D and he IDOLIZED these people, and my late husband had also idolized these people. The woman of the couple has some SERIOUS mental issues dealing with OCD and she is actually a kleptomaniac and would take things from me or my house. Not “big” things but things that did matter to me. I had a real problem confronting her about this—she of course denied it.
When you set a boundary you must be willing to let the relationship GO if they will not respect the boundaries. I knew if I set a boundary that it would “upset” my son if I enforced it. I didn’t want him to have to “choose” between loving me and loving them….so that was my “excuse” for not setting firm boundaries and sticking to them.
I even went so far as to “against my better judgment” let them move out here on the farm in their RV (which is where they live full time) and of course, she started taking things again….and I actually caught her in the act. So after some soul searching and having a discussion with my son D, about her taking things, I told him that I had to tell them that they had to leave. They were also taking advantage of me in other ways (more emotionally than anything else) they felt they had an ENTITLEMENT to be here and were starting to not only cross my boundaries but telling me how I had to behave on my own land and in my own house—they were starting to set the rules for ME!
So I told them that “it wasn’t working” and that they would have to leave. Which they did. But because they live in an RV they are also hoarders and have no place to keep their hoarded treasures, so I had let them use some of my storage facilities to store their stuff (and of course they took over that storage too and actually blocked my access to my stored things there.) I also set a boundary that they must call me before coming out here to get any of their stored things. The woman of the two crossed that boundary as well and attempted to come here when she thought I would be gone (but I wasn’t so caught her crossing that boundary, then had to make that boundary even higher and tighter, so now I have to have 24 hours notice by phone before they come here to get any of their stuff and I have also given them a time limit to get their stuff, AND I am NOT volunteering to help them move their stuff either.
Fortunately, my son D has seen that they are not behaving as real friends should, and is “seeing the light” where they are concerned. I got to the point though, that even if he had NOT seen the light, I HAD SEEN THE LIGHT enough that I would have set the bounary NO MATTER WHAT.
Learning to set boundaries and that I have the RIGHT TO BE TREATED WELL BY THOSE THAT POSE AS MY “FRIENDS” AND FAMILY, actually made me see that I have a love for myself. I am demonstrating my love for myself and now I am FEELING that love for myself.
It was definitely hard for me to do, especially where it concerned my “close friends” and family—-because I was “elected” the peace KEEPER in my family and the price of “peace” was that I had to tolerate whatever others did to me. I could not “upset” them by saying “what you are doing is not nice.” I had to “pretend it never happened” in order to KEEP PEACE—-I now realize that the price for that kind of “peace” is TOO HIGH and I will not pay it any longer.
People who truly care about me do not mistreat me, do not lie to me, do not steal from me, and I will not pretend that people who lie, cheat and steal from me are my “:friends” and that they “love me.” Even if that includes the woman who gave me birth(egg donor) or even the man that I gave birth to (my P-son) and that if I don’t love me, respect me, and care about my own feelings, NO ONE ELSE WILL.
I hope that clarifies how I worked on healing and loving myself….that’s about as well as I can put it into words, but I do FEEL IT NOW. ((((hugs))))
Newlife…
I just returned from a school fieldtrip…a play at the Kimmel Center to see… CINDERELLA…MORE ON THAT INTERNAL EXPERIENCE LATER! Ive read, seen, watched it so many times in my life…but today…wow… I wanted to freezeframe every scene for these second graders and hold up signs behind the characters….be careful out there Prince Charming might be a Psychopath…and check his credentials first… etc. lol..I had a moment in the theatre for sure…about what we are teaching our kids at such a young age!!!!!
Anyway, Newlife…I can become very emotional about learning how to “love myself”….simply because I never knew to or how to until this past year. It feels amazing to stop the world around me for a moment or several and appreciate myself, all I have done, all I have given and all I still need to learn. Its about pampering myself without any guilt…its about taking time out for myself ..because I want to, because its necessary, because its ok. Its about thinking about myself first in a healthy way, not a selfish way. Its about letting myself know I am not perfect, but Im good and kind and real and more honest to myself now – about everything. Its about saying that first No, thank you to someone because I really cant do something or extend myself in such a way, that I am sidelined from it…Its about standing up for myself, protecting myself, setting boundaries with others that I can never ease up on or overlook — not out of anger or resentment or revenge — but because I love myself now – and I know nobody can ever do that for me better than myself…but somebody can eventually join me again on my journey if they earn my love and friendship. Its about reconnecting with who you are, and creating who you want to be. And it started for me with just the little things…I am going to do such and such today because I want to and deserve to. Nothing to do with him!!!! I have gone to movies by myself (recently I love you, Man … I laughed my arse off!!) I felt kindda funny at first, but then I felt empowered. Sometimes I go with a girlfriend and use to go with xtox…but now my life is so much more about what I can do, what makes me happy, what I enjoy…Saturday mornings I now go to local thrift shops, garage sales, antiquing…rarely buy anything..but love the experience, the fresh air, and sometimes my kids come with…my middle one fell in love with a bracelet that had a heart locket..for $5 it came home with us… she put it on an opened the heart…inside were two tiny tiny old crackled pictures of a man and woman… she wanted to take the pictures back to the people we bought it from. Back we went, and the woman just dropped to tears, it was her grandparents…she herself said she married but never had any children…so having no one to give the jewelry to, she decided to sell some, she sort of adopted my daughter on the spot!
I guess what Im trying to say — is its the experiences that I am welcoming and growing and learning from — by learning to love myself, treat myself good, take care of myself, feel good about myself again. Getting pleasure out of doing everything ive ever done for others…and doing it for myself.
Everything I ever did for the xtox, because he was down and out, or in a bad place or being a bad person – and I extended myself to him — NOW I PUT MYSELF ON THAT DESERVING PEDESTAL — IT ALL GOES TO ME FIRST, AS WELL AS TO OTHERS WHO ARE ON THE SAME JOURNEY.
Loving youself, respecting yourself, trusting yourself ALL GO HAND IN HAND. It is our greatest protection against falling victim to bad people or relationships. When we believe in ourselves and what we deserve, from love to respect to trust we dont allow for or stand for anything less. Sure we can have differences of opinions and set backs in healthy relationships — but when there is love and respect it is dealt with in a mutual way – not a controlling way.
Start small. I think I told everyone here before. After all the process I went through from fear to shame to guilt to anger to acceptance…one evening I got in my car and went to my favorite cheesesteak place in the city…ordered a rootbeer and cheesefries too (rare treat for me!) …drove home…put on a great movie…and just existed in a happy moment. Sounds so damn SILLY, but it was the moment I knew I was starting to love myself, simply because it was just me, myself and I in the room – having fun for the first time in a long time, with myself!
After the hurt the pain the anger the resentment and the feeling of wanting revenge – comes the realization that you eventually come to place where you see in a world of so many choices, options, expectations, dreams (both achieved and shattered)…theres really only one person that you are left with every moment of everyday from birth to death – thats yourself, your bestest friend and that person is deserving of receiving your greatest love. After that, you share and welcome the love and friendship of others — based on their love friendship and respect for you.. as well as giving it freely to deserving souls — not toxic ones! TOWANDA NEWLIFE! You are on your way too!! Have to go through the process, its a journey, so stay on course! You will fall, we all do, but all that matters is you pick yourself up and continue to love yourself from where you left off!!
ps… It wasnt the bad man that was the catalyst to get me to love myself…it honestly was my hard work, my searching, my wanting to help myself get to a better place (my wanting answers to my questions)…my exposure to Oxy and Kathys insightfulness here at LF… my understanding from them (and others here — that this was more about me getting to know myself, my ways, my shortcomings and my attributes – and putting it all together as well as letting go of my past, and letting go of him, and healing through living, loving and learning all over again!!! And especially to know that my existence/happiness is not based on any single relationship (good or bad) with another. Its based on my relationship with myself.
I completeley love these posts LTL and O. I think you are such clever , clever, and insightful people ( just like me when I find her and catch her and snoodle her to bits again;) and you have helped me a LOT today. I feel much like New life right now…I hope that soon I’ll be in a place where I have something as useful to others as you all here are to me on a daily basis.A BIG HUGE TOWANDA!!
And Newlife, I am so with you, lets try to be as gentle and loving with ourselves (no its okay…its not selish…its NOT!)even in little teeny ways…any kinds of ways: I am trying to ask myself the question everytime i do anything; is this a good and nurturing/ happy/ wholesome thing for ME?… Its short and its an easy mantra to remember… doesnt always work… we must practice! lol!:D
Dear Blueskies,
Great Screenname…blueskies are ahead…esp when you find her catch her and snoodle her to bits again!!:)) Everyday is not blueskies for me, there are still darkskies every now and then, and I suspect in some form or another, there will always be…I just wait it out better now, more calm, more patient, more understanding…if I want to cry I do, but I dont stay in that place…I let myself be who I am..and I encourage myself to find a better attitude when I struggle…its working!!! One day at a time, with the understanding Ive got my own back…I can trust me now! A BIG HUGE Towando to you – practicing is what makes perfect Towandaness!!! Plus its rather fun and empowering too!! 🙂
🙂 Hooray for perfect towandaness!
Patience, calm and undestanding with myself ( hello new easy to remember mantra;), even on dark sky days … so now I have to actually show up for practise… make a commitment to keep practising (maybe one day become the GB olympic blueskies snoodling team champion?? Cor – that would be good) Thanks again LTL. 🙂 Tonight I am going to treat myself to a peaceul early bed and a smile… Not bad eh?:)
Hello Everyone,
Tomorrow will be ONE YEAR, ONE YEAR ago that my life long dream came to a end, but a new begining to a new life and endless possibilities for countless new dreams.
“my disbelief, in my refusal to face reality, that there are some people in this world who live in the shadow, in the dark side of human being, I was at risk of Conrad’s(MARK”S) manipulations. Because I refused to accept some people are evil, I could not accept he was doing evil.”
Not accepting” he was doing evil” is what kept me stuck. I almost allowed myself to be depleted of my very soul. “HE” was happy when I was hurting, he was happy when I was afraid, he was happy when I lost my job. The longer I have been gone the more I am starting to see how bad things really were. I no longer have to question myself, did I make things out to be worse than they really were? NO!!!! I did not, I actually sugar coated them because i was to embarrased to admit that I allowed myself to be treated so poorly.
I am just now starting to love myself. Maybe even for the first time. Would I have allowed myself to endure, what I endured if I would have loved myself to begin with?
I just want to thank everyone on LF. I came to this site by accident(was it really a accident) and when I started reading everyones words, everyones heart, everyones soul, everyones tears; my tears would not stop. Everything I had felt and tried not to feel was there, in black and white. I could not pretend any longer….. the charade was over. So I came back over and over again in till it was eaiser to believe the truth than it was to try to deny the truth.
I cryed so hard this morning when I realized it was ONE YEAR. I called a friend.. She said “what are you crying for…YOU should be happy!! YOu should be jumping for joy. You have had One full year of not having to ask someone what you could do, if you could “please” have some money. You have friends, you do not have to walk on egg shells, you do not have to worry about what you did or did not do, you do not have to press and button shirts, you do not have to listen to anyone say ” I know you don’t want me to _____ but I am going to do it anyway. HONEY, don’t cry be happy, you are free, you are alive, you are sober and you have sooo many friends who love and care for you very deeply.”
I made it through this last year because all of you shared your pain, your sorrow and your joy and belief in a new life.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart….Molly
Mollywanda towanda~~~!!!!! Congrats on saving your life. I understand why you cried at one year. You have accomplished the tuffest, cruelest year of your life. It only gets better from here because we are taking care of us’s for the first time ever and that is scary and new and kinda wonderful.
Molly:
Happy anniversary — not only for one year NC, but for one year of reclaiming your life — your personal Bastille Day.
“So I came back over and over again in till it was eaiser to believe the truth than it was to try to deny the truth.”
I finally came to stop denying the truth and start believing it early last November when I realized I had to drive off S or die. S was the culmination of a lifetime of exploitive relationships, beginning with an N mother and probably S father.
I am just starting to come to grasp with the incalcuable emotional and physical energy I expended trying to deny the truth. Guess when your physical and emotinal health both give out at the same time, you don’t have a lot of choice in the matter, do you?
In the last 6 months I have started to see how acceptance of the truth really is easier. I finally had to accept the truth, that the disordered, toxic people in my life cannot be helped. And even if I could help them, they wouldn’t appreciate it anyhow.
The last 6 months have truly been hard for me — driving off S, losing my job, and having my health give out. Yet, by accepting the truth I am finally constructing a healthy, happy life for myself.
I was walking along the street today, and it suddenly hit me that my joints, bones and muscles weren’t aching. Then I realized that even with the stress of unemloment, I don’t have that corrosive, unrelenting stress coming from that never-ending walking on eggshells that I felt with S. I don’t have all that stress from wondering what he was doing behind my back. Like you, I have friends who love and care for me. And, for the friends I lost courtesy of S, I’m making new ones.
You’re right. Accepting the truth really does set you free.