It has been a long while since I contributed to the Lovefraud blog roll — I’m excited about being back. Excited to share with you my healing journey. It has been almost six years since I was set free of Conrad, the man who promised to love me ’til death do us part and who then went about taking the ’til death part’ way too seriously. In that time, my life has flourished and grown and I’ve become stronger, more vibrant, more confident and committed to living the life of my dreams. I look forward to being here more often!
The greatest discovery of this generation is that a human being can alter their life by altering their attitude. William James
Attitude. We’ve all got it. We all project it. And sometimes, it gets in our way.
Who hasn’t heard the question, Is your cup half full or half empty? George Carlin once replied when asked if he saw a half empty or half full cup, “I see a glass twice as big as it needs to be.”
It’s all in our attitude.
But where does attitude come from? And what do we do when it needs an adjustment?
When I was with Conrad he used to tell me that one of my problems (and he had many for me) was that I didn’t believe in evil. Didn’t believe people were capable of ‘being bad’.
Now, I will attest to the fact that I believe 99% of human beings are fundamentally good. At our core lives the essence of brilliance that creates our most magnificent selves. I believe the journey through childhood into maturity is about reclaiming the magnificence with which we were born. And I believe, if given the opportunity, most of us would rather do good than harm.
In Conrad’s perspective, all people were born to be bad. In challenging me on my belief in the fundamental goodness of the human being, he set out to prove I was wrong. In my disbelief, in my refusal to face reality, that there are some people in this world who live in the shadow, in the dark side of human being, I was at risk of Conrad’s manipulations. Because I refused to accept some people are evil, I could not accept he was doing evil.
In my awakening, I was given the gift of sight. Yes. There is evil in this world and people willing and capable of furthering it. With eyes wide open, I was able to step into the truth of what happened to me, of what I did, of what he did. I was able to face reality, forgive myself (and him) and love myself, warts and all.
I work in homeless shelter. It is a world where evil is perpetrated on vulnerable people every day. I work in a world where people have lost their inner light. Untethered from the mores and values of a just and caring society, they wander the streets, aimless and directionless, without a moral compass to guide them home. Huddled beneath the shadow of towering skyscrapers and back alleys, they encounter evil every day and become their worst fears; a fallen human being willing to do anything to stay alive, including abusing drugs, alcohol and each other, in order to numb the pain of their existence.
In their crumbled state, their attitude of defeat gets in their way of finding the light to guide them home, back to where they belong.
Stuck in the shadows, they begin to believe, the world is against me. There is no hope. I am worthless.
And in their belief; this is all I’m worth, they buy into the myth that we live in a world of evil. Everybody’s doing it. Why not me?
Everybody is not evil. This is not an evil world. Evil does exist — call it badness, narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, self-centeredness, cruelty. Whatever you call it, it is behaviour fostered by an attitude of entitlement that leads people to do evil.
Was Conrad evil? I believe he has a ‘bad attitude’ fostered by a perspective of living that says, what I want is what I deserve. Getting it is all that counts. And I will do anything to get what I want, regardless of the consequences to anyone else.
I believe there are people in this world who share that attitude. People for whom what they want is all that counts, to hell with the consequences, to hell with the impact upon other people, upon our world.
I can’t change anyone else’s attitude. I can adjust mine. In a time where the world appears to be spinning out of control, where markets tumble and fortunes crumble, I take a breath and remind myself — I can’t stop the world. Can’t change it. I can change my attitude to make a difference in my world today. I can be the light I am seeking. I can be the change I want to create. I can keep abuse out of my life by standing true to me, by turning up for me and loving myself, exactly the way I am.
Life is an adventure worth living. It is a constant journey into peace, love and joy that moves me closer to my brilliant core, my life force that says, I am one magnificent human being living, as Joseph Campbell once stated, in the rapture of being alive.
The Buddha says we can learn from our “enemies”–that they can be some of our greatest teachers.
That “bad man” forced me to deal with loss. I have learned to love myself through the torment of betrayal. I’m never going down that road again. I’m going to pay attention to my intuition!
Dear Molly,
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I am so happy for your success in your healing! To have stayed NC for one year is the best start you could have made to take care of yourself and keep yourself safe and to free yourself from the trauma you have endured from continuing.
To learn to love yourself, to take care of yourself, to nourish yourself and to put your own needs FIRST is the beginning of true healing, true JOY and true PEACE in life.
Morgan, you are right that we can learn from our “enemies” and that they can be (and frequently ARE) our greatest teachers. Jesus also said that “tribulation worketh patience” and I think all of the great teachers of the world saw that it is only by TRIALS and CHALLENGES that we really grow. If life were “perfect” and we had no challenges, trials etc to overcome, what would we be? Just as exercising your muscles makes them grow stronger, emotional challenges, moral and mental challenges make our minds and hearts grow stronger.
Intuition is that little voice inside us who is very very wise and wants to protect us….we just have to listen to him/her and value that wisdom! Good for you!!!!
I am so much better, you guys! It’s damn amazing. My life is so free and happy again. I wish all of you will feel this way. It’s a relief.
sabinne: Wow! I haven’t been online for a few days and was very happy to read this! Any advice on how you achieved this? Very exciting! God bless you!
I was in class earlier and couldn’t really say what I wanted to say. I thought I’d tell you all thank you for your support, guidance and just listening to me when I needed it. I feel so much better. I mean truly better; the kind of better I had before I met him. I know in part that it’s all due to you all.
I can say without reservation that every step of hell away from all of this was WORTH IT. Everyday of hurt, everyday of grief while I went through “withdrawal” was WORTH IT. I know such peace, love and happiness again.
You are all my guardian angels.
How I achieved it? I’ll be honest. I cried every single day. I shook, shuddered, got covered in my own snot and tears, I didn’t eat, didn’t sleep and went through life like a zombie. I came to you all when the pain became too great and it felt like I was bleeding from every pore. I thought I would only be healthy when I could stop crying.
Then one day I realized that my tears were wonderful. I knew they were cleansing my soul. I knew that all the poison I’d swallowed was what I was oozing from every pore. I wasn’t bleeding. I was healing! I was a zombie because my mind shut down while the rest of me handled the trauma I’d suffered. Simply understanding that healing can hurt made it better to me. I didn’t mind my tears after that. It felt GOOD to cry.
In short, I grieved. I grieved hard and furiously. I went through anger, shame, pain, disbelief, rejection, and acceptance about 1,000 times.
Then one day I didn’t think of him. The next day I didn’t think of him and then the next day and the next day after that. I would wake in the morning and my thoughts were about my homework, my plans and the shoes I wanted to buy. I no longer woke up with pain in my chest and tears behind my eyes.
I didn’t even realize how much better I was until today when I was in class and the professor mentioned sociopathy. It struck me that I had forgotten that there had been one in my life. I nearly laughed out loud with happiness at that point.
I didn’t do it alone; all of you did it with me.
Gosh, I feel like I keep forgetting stuff, lol! Congratulations, Molly! I am so happy for you!
Dear Sabinne,
I am so happy for you! Glad that you are getting on with your life! Glad that you are finding peace and life again, joy and happiness. TOWANDA!!!!
Sabinne, Thank you so much for sharing… what you went through really resonates with me, I know about the zombie and crying part!!!! “It felt GOOD to cry” is a wonderful revelation, and I get the part about our minds shutting down while the rest of our body heals from the trauma. It is fabulous to hear you are feeling happy! 🙂
ox BOO – hey what are we blogaholicin about tonite and where are you MOLLY? I have my sad self together this week – I think work keeps my mind busy and it pays better than sitting around wishing and waiting for whatever it is I am waiting on to happen–does anybody relate too that? waiting on something but not knowing what it is we are waiting on and just hoping things will get better on their own? Obsessing about the past and fearful of the future? What a way too live…but as my friend Perky say’s ‘don’t swallow the whole steak, take little bites and enjoy it cause I mite not get another steak.’ or another day – so yes we can only do so much or our minds will explode ”BANG””And something else that naws on my little pee brain – what if it was me? what if I was the problem? My educated brain say’s no way he is what he is and does what he does – but that emotional brain I think will all ways wonder if there was something I could of done – like been younger – handsomer – richer – Well duhhh – if I had been those things he mite of stayed around till I was completely washed up instead of just almost washed up. And Matt if your readin this, your comment the other day about it took us being emotionally and physically at the bottom of the barrel, almost fricken dead or comatose before our bodys kicked us in the butt and said whoa“cant do this……I think my unblissfull relationship with IT – [notice how I never say the m word anymore?] really really took a toll on my bones not to mention my spirit…old age – I never thot I would feel so old at 54 [sorry oxy] just 3 years ago I felt 40 – guess that is another little thing that naws at me – he is 42 – duh I was so stupid – I found one of his profiles [when he was here] and he said he wanted to meet guys under 45… the asshole – he better just hope he looks as good as me at 54 as I do or did….As time goes by – I find humor in my stupidness – live and learn