It has been a long while since I contributed to the Lovefraud blog roll — I’m excited about being back. Excited to share with you my healing journey. It has been almost six years since I was set free of Conrad, the man who promised to love me ’til death do us part and who then went about taking the ’til death part’ way too seriously. In that time, my life has flourished and grown and I’ve become stronger, more vibrant, more confident and committed to living the life of my dreams. I look forward to being here more often!
The greatest discovery of this generation is that a human being can alter their life by altering their attitude. William James
Attitude. We’ve all got it. We all project it. And sometimes, it gets in our way.
Who hasn’t heard the question, Is your cup half full or half empty? George Carlin once replied when asked if he saw a half empty or half full cup, “I see a glass twice as big as it needs to be.”
It’s all in our attitude.
But where does attitude come from? And what do we do when it needs an adjustment?
When I was with Conrad he used to tell me that one of my problems (and he had many for me) was that I didn’t believe in evil. Didn’t believe people were capable of ‘being bad’.
Now, I will attest to the fact that I believe 99% of human beings are fundamentally good. At our core lives the essence of brilliance that creates our most magnificent selves. I believe the journey through childhood into maturity is about reclaiming the magnificence with which we were born. And I believe, if given the opportunity, most of us would rather do good than harm.
In Conrad’s perspective, all people were born to be bad. In challenging me on my belief in the fundamental goodness of the human being, he set out to prove I was wrong. In my disbelief, in my refusal to face reality, that there are some people in this world who live in the shadow, in the dark side of human being, I was at risk of Conrad’s manipulations. Because I refused to accept some people are evil, I could not accept he was doing evil.
In my awakening, I was given the gift of sight. Yes. There is evil in this world and people willing and capable of furthering it. With eyes wide open, I was able to step into the truth of what happened to me, of what I did, of what he did. I was able to face reality, forgive myself (and him) and love myself, warts and all.
I work in homeless shelter. It is a world where evil is perpetrated on vulnerable people every day. I work in a world where people have lost their inner light. Untethered from the mores and values of a just and caring society, they wander the streets, aimless and directionless, without a moral compass to guide them home. Huddled beneath the shadow of towering skyscrapers and back alleys, they encounter evil every day and become their worst fears; a fallen human being willing to do anything to stay alive, including abusing drugs, alcohol and each other, in order to numb the pain of their existence.
In their crumbled state, their attitude of defeat gets in their way of finding the light to guide them home, back to where they belong.
Stuck in the shadows, they begin to believe, the world is against me. There is no hope. I am worthless.
And in their belief; this is all I’m worth, they buy into the myth that we live in a world of evil. Everybody’s doing it. Why not me?
Everybody is not evil. This is not an evil world. Evil does exist — call it badness, narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, self-centeredness, cruelty. Whatever you call it, it is behaviour fostered by an attitude of entitlement that leads people to do evil.
Was Conrad evil? I believe he has a ‘bad attitude’ fostered by a perspective of living that says, what I want is what I deserve. Getting it is all that counts. And I will do anything to get what I want, regardless of the consequences to anyone else.
I believe there are people in this world who share that attitude. People for whom what they want is all that counts, to hell with the consequences, to hell with the impact upon other people, upon our world.
I can’t change anyone else’s attitude. I can adjust mine. In a time where the world appears to be spinning out of control, where markets tumble and fortunes crumble, I take a breath and remind myself — I can’t stop the world. Can’t change it. I can change my attitude to make a difference in my world today. I can be the light I am seeking. I can be the change I want to create. I can keep abuse out of my life by standing true to me, by turning up for me and loving myself, exactly the way I am.
Life is an adventure worth living. It is a constant journey into peace, love and joy that moves me closer to my brilliant core, my life force that says, I am one magnificent human being living, as Joseph Campbell once stated, in the rapture of being alive.
I get you on the age thing, Henry. I’m 50 but thought I was 40 before all this broke. Now I feel 20 years older in one years time.
henry: Yes, I can relate to waiting for something to happen, what it is I don’t know. I am the same age as you, one thing I keep thinking about is how the choices I have made in my life have led me to be here alone, when that was the last thing I ever wanted. I wish I could go back about 20 years and do things differently. Please don’t let your mind wander to the “I wonder if it was me” stuff, it wasn’t you, it wasn’t me, we may have made some crazy choices but we can’t beat ourselves up over it forever. Live and learn, yes, but why did it take me 52 years of living? Why do other people figure everything out in their 20’s? And I’m still scared I’ll repeat my same old crap.
Hey Shab – I dont think I will repeat – my spathdar is very in tune… right now every bodys is guilty until proven otherwise. Yes I have been through alot – but I have had a wonderful interesting life – alot of it I would like to change. Kenny Chesny has a wonderful song called ‘I wish I would of” I think it is normal to look back on life and wish we could redo this or that.. maybe this life is a lesson and I think we are all studying hard and trying to pass on to a better way of living…
I can’t get passed my sadness, I don’t know why, but having been bought up by two sociopaths and only had intimate relationships with sociopaths there is not much left of me. I gave everything away and have lost all meaning in my life.
Can’t find my faith or my happiness anywhere. Guess I’ve never experienced being loved.
Full of hatred and revenge. I wish I had never been born
Hi everyone. Once again I dont have much useful advice to offer and still cant write intelligently, but do just want to quicky say that I saw my GP today, to ask for treatment for depression…I have been treated for it before during the relationship with the creepy little man. It was a difficult thing to do to go back, so much tied up with me actually admitting I am completely depressed, and the creep telling me and everyone he knows that I am unhinged, that my friends told him that I was unhinged, that the ‘REASON’ his marrage broke down was because his wife was depressed and ‘unhinged’blah, blah, stupidly its felt like I am agreeing that he is the victim of some terrible luck with unhinged women like he’d have everyone belive… but that is silly, he is gone, it has nothing to do with him what I do now or where I am at (not that he didnt do everything he could to put me here and his e-wife I should think)… Its the first thing I need to do for me,to get better, it doesnt mean that what he did to me ( and will continue to at any oppourtunity I give him I have no doubt) was in my mind or my fault or goes away… but if I can deal with the depression, maybe I can deal with the REAL destructive situation in a healthier and clearer fashion… so, the Doctor also refered me to this website http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome which is a free on line CBT programme. he told me to do it every morning like a workout. I dont know how helpful it will be, but I wondered if it might be of interest to anyone here too.Much love.
Tilly, I also wanted to say that Ihave always felt like (and do feel like) I cant get past the sadness of my upbringing, even though I do pretty well functioning day to day (until I met creepo) – Its something that made us vulnerable to creepos…Not everyone I have had the joy of meeting has taken my sadness and beaten me with it…a few of them have… if I can finally get to grips with my saddness as a result of this encounter then whoopeee… the creep did me a (painful) favour, I am sure he’d be pissed about that… the best revenge?
Dear Tilly,
Your feeling of “can’t get past the sadness” is I think a part of the healing process. When we are “down” it is difficult to lookk around and see the beauty that is right before us. We lookk at the glass not as half full or half empty but EMPTY and we don’t appreciate the things we DO have.
COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS.
I know that sounds trite, but having worked (I am a retired registered nurse practitioner) in spinal cord rehabilitation, I appreciate the fact that I am able to MOVE—to wipe my own nose, to type on a computer, to breathe unaided, to take care of my personal hygiene needs and NOT have to have someone else change my diaper.
I do NOT have a tooth ache today.
I have a dry place to sleep. I have food.
Because we generally in this country have those things we don’t always appreciate that there are millions of people (even in this country) that don’t have a safe place to lay their heads at night.
So start off with counting your blessings. THE BASIC BLESSINGS. Don’t focus on what you don’t have, but on what you DO have. Then BUILD on those blessings.
It may also be that youo may need to see a medical practitioner about5 some medication to help you with the depression. Sometimes this is a godsend, I know it was and is to me, though my dose of antidepressant medications is quite low now, at one point it was a VERY high dose.
Hang in there….(((((hugs))))) and my prayers for you!
Dearest Tilly,
If I told you that what you are experiencing is your feelings..strong and true…but what you are yet to experience is whats underneath and inside waiting for you to sort it out… YOU. I gave everything I had to him, I gave my all…when I tell you I thought I had met my soul mate…I really thought I did. Problem was he never clued me in that he was my deadbeat loser mate!! And I didnt have a clue that I was in no position to be ready to meet and welcome a soul mate into my world (thankfully it wasnt him)…but as many issues as he had…I had some too…together we were a revolving door, never ending cycles of bad patterns and ultimately we both were a mess together or apart.
It wasnt until I took a stand with myself for myself and declared an end to the turmoil and negativity and saddness within, that I could begin to move on and continue to learn and grow. But I had to go through months and months and months of self-questioning, self-doubting, self-loathing, self-shame, etcc… until I learned about all the other SELF things I SHOULD BE DOING to help mySELF heal.
SELF LOVE – if you are like me, you have never truly been loved…until you learn to love yourself. I didnt grasp the power and magnitude of those two words until I was 41! But better late than never.
Youve had to go through alot, we all have in our way, and wishing you had never been born means you are fairly burdened down with some heavy painful feelings…ones that need to be addressed or shared…or both…share some more here to lighten your burden…thats what I did …it helps Tilly and also do as so many of us have done and see your doctor about discussing if an antidepressant can help you get over this hurdle..
Nothing or noone is worth feeling that way about yourself. We have all gone through it, but I just want you to know there is more to you waiting inside to learn and grow. How do I know? Because if anyone ever thought there wasnt anything left inside of me…it was me…and I know God blesses us all with an inner spirit that is always ready willing and able to learn and grow when we embrace and love ourselves. You can do this Tilly. Peace and prayers and strength for you!!!!!!
Dear Blueskies,
Im SO happy for you that you that you went to your GP about getting some additional support to help you get past this!
And btw you write very intelligently and offer alot of good advice and support. Do you know about our “boinking” rule here at LF, have you happened to come across any “boinking” incidents in Oxy’s post…if not go check Henry’s – he is the LF Posterchild for most amount of boinks and most progress as well because of it! We must remember to be positive about ourselves and not so hard on ourselves. Im not going to boink you because you just are feeling as though you are in a good place right now…but your intelligent writings and good advice are seen across the board here at LF! Please keep sharing…
And Ive heard about the Moodgym before.. or something that sound so similar to it and the benefits from it….thank you so much for that link..
You are on the right track, you are taking care of yourself and doing all the hard work. I hope you are feeling a little lighter today and that each passing day brings more strength and happiness to you.
🙂 Hello
THANKYOU LTL, I have seen a little of the boinking rule:) I shall keep it in mind!:) lol! What a boost it is to get feedback here.thank you:)
It is my third boost of the last couple of days!
On Wednesday – I went for a job interview, my first in a long time. a slightly higher position than I have been in before. I felt like a gibbering wreck. I left my old job of 5 years at Christmas, I wasn’t coping with what was going on in my life with the creep, feeling so bad about my abilities,and was at the same time trying to set up a freelance consultancy, (this was something actively encouraged by the creep, who then promptly dumped me – but I cant blame him completely for my failure to succeed in my endeavour so far or the decision to leave work, my depression and confusion has a lot to do with it: I blame him by proxy:) I am now completely broke and about to loose my home, anyway, so to cut a long story short, the way I feel I can barely leave the house, but I forced myself along, did my best. I didn’t get the job BUT was the second contender out of hundreds and had some REALLY great and enthusiastic feedback about how great I had been! Wow! If I can do that when I am half dead with depression and in a fog of emotional agony…what cant I do? Boost!
Then I finally had some validation from a friend of both the creep and myself about what has been going on. People have discussed it with me, but they dont really get it… I felt so isolated in feeling that this man is a sp, I feel so often that maybe it WAS just me… and the creep did a real nice hatchet job on this friend, someone I have loved for years, in order to isolate us from each other, (actually my red flag ignoring was often tied in with the fact that they had been friends for years, he couldn’t be as bad as my gut was telling me if my lovely good kind friend who cares for me had been so close to him for years)To have recognition of the DEPTH of this person’s disturbed mind, his corrupt behaviours and evil intent towards those who care for him,and that it is not ‘new’, or especially for me, from someone else who actually new him well is like a weight being lifted! Not that I get pleasure from the damage he caused there (and again I have no doubt he would try to do more given a chink of a chance – i fear I may have given him one during my recent slip into contact) too. does that make sense?
Its odd because I KNOW the creep is evil in my heart of hearts, of course I do, but I NEEDED to properly believe it. And I NEED to keep reminding myself that evil IS the right word, and not some over emotional exaggeration because I am a ‘woman scorned’.Put him in the box marked ‘evil’ and turn my back on it. walk away.
This friend has completely shut him out, he is ‘persona non grata’ – COMPLETELY ( was pissed off about even having to think about him again in order to write to me, I certainly wont bother him again with it, just concentrate on trying to rebuild a loving trusting relationship with him) – that in itself is a massive inspiration. If this person can be firmly NC and concentrate on the REALLY Important things in his life after the MASSIVE hurt – then I have NO excuse!I have just as many good things to concentrate on… even if I forgot. To not do the same WOULD be masochistic and selfish. Is it finally sinking in for me?… I hope so… I and none of my friends deserve to be exposed to anything further by another lapse of mine into contact with evil.
Then I come here and I have LTL cheer leading for my little accomplishments!
I must now hold on to these boosts and continue to shuffle slowly forward. NEVER again take a step back….even if I don’t move for a while:)