By | August 19, 2009 203 Comments

After the sociopath is gone: Living in the wonder of now.

It has been just over six years since the man who promised to love me ”˜til death do us part (and took the ”˜til death part way too seriously) was arrested. In the intervening years, I have grown and healed and cried and slipped and stood and leaped and wrestled with truth versus fiction. I have sought to make sense of his nonsense and dropped my need to understand him as I’ve struggled to find my one true self beneath the debris of his torturous ride through my life.

And I have survived.

I have stood up tall while the sky was falling down around me. I have turned sour grapes into the heady bouquet of sunlit days of wine and roses. I have uncovered lies. Torn away the darkness and peeled back time to find my truth within me. I have been drawn by courage to face my own culpability in all that happened. I have faced my fears and asked for forgiveness. I have forgiven and been forgiven. I have asked for strength and found the truth of who I am. For in the end, truth has overcome his lies. Triumph surpassed the tragedy of his abuse.

In the years since his arrest, escape from prison, stalking and subsequent re-confinement to eventual release I have ridden the rollercoaster of my emotions, sometimes confident in my knowledge that I would be okay, sometimes terrified I would never find myself again, never know peace of mind. Yet, through it all, I have breathed gratefully into the joy of being free. Of the gift of living without his lies poisoning my mind, without his deceit blurring my vision and undermining my belief in who I am. I have embraced the truth that I deserve so much more in life than him. I deserve all of this I have today, and everything better.
It has been a journey of self-discovery. A voyage into the wonder of being me, in all my laughter, tears and fears and sorrow. It has been a journey into self-acceptance, forgiveness, humility and self-examination. And through it all, it has been a journey of love. A journey of knowing, this is my one and only life. It is up to me to make it a life worth living. A worthwhile life. A life of joy and laughter. Love and beauty. It’s up to me in how I live it up — or let it slip away. It’s up to me to be all that I am meant to be, dancing in the light of my beauty, warts and all.

It is the greatest gift of that relationship — the wonder of knowing me. Of knowing I am okay, exactly the way I am. That I have all I ever need, or want, or desire, right here within me. That I am free to love without fear, to laugh without tears, to cry and spill my heart out. To walk away or walk into open arms knowing, no matter their embrace, I will be okay. Because I am a woman of worth. A woman alive. An enlivened woman, dancing in the rain, splashing through puddles, leaping for joy at thunder crashing and lightning flashing. I am okay, however I am, whomever I’m with, because I have me, myself and I. Fearless. Uncompromising. Honest. Caring. Kind. Beauty and the beast. Yin and yang. Sunlight and sunset. Dark and light. And always loving.

In my journey from the darkness of those days where I believed his lies and abuse were all that I deserved, I have learned to accept myself, just the way I am. To let go of regret and to give into hope. To let go of anger and fall into truth. To let go of fear and surrender to love.

I have learned that the past is only a memory — and I decide its value in my life today. That what someone does to me is nothing compared to what I do with my experience. That someone else’s lies are not my truth, unless I choose to believe them. That there is beauty in this world around me. That I can trust myself to know the difference between false hope and honest possibilities. I have learned that I have courage, that I can stand up and turn up for me without fear of falling under someone else’s assertions I am too weak, or stupid, or short or tall or fat or skinny.

I have learned that I am not measured by my past, but by how I move through each moment of today. I decide if I create harmony or discord. Love or hatred. I have learned that each step I take is determined by the foundation under me — and I create that foundation with every breath, thought, word, action I take.

I have learned that I am me. Unique. Special. Magnificent. A human being of immense worth. A wondrous, luminous child of God. Filled with the greatness of my human being. Capable of falling down and courageous enough to stand back up and take another step and another and then another. My journey is not measured in the falls I take. It is built upon the hands I reach out, the steps I build towards creating my higher ground where I become my best me yet. My journey is measured in the love I give and receive.
I have learned that being me, perfectly human in all my imperfections, is the greatest gift I can give. I have learned to create value in all things in my world. My value is in everything I do. In how I treat myself and those I love and the world around me. My value is not measured against what I have. It is created in who I am in this world of wonder when I live this precious life in the rapture of now, without fear that I am not enough.

I am enough. Just the way I am.

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super chic

Absolutely fabulous!! I can feel your joy through your words and it’s very uplifting! I don’t want to let my life just slip away… thank you for writing this article!


Wonderful! I will reread often for inspiration!

Few people get to where you are, abused or not. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Wow, a true inspiration indeed! You ARE enough…..
With all your speckled journies and all your heartbreak and pain, wonderment and human-ness……YOU ARE FABULOUS, just the way YOU ARE!!!!
Thank you for sharing your evolution…..
I bid you peace.


Incredibly inspiring post! So often something awful that happens turns out to be a blessing in disguise, but I must admit that I have been hard put to figure out what blessing getting targeted by a sociopath might be. Recently, I’ve come to think that it has forced me to learn to love and appreciate myself in a way that I might not ever have otherwise. I haven’t gotten there yet, but your post gives me hope and shines a light along my path so that I can find my way. Thanks so much for sharing this with all of us. And I am so very very happy for you!!!


I have printed this out and saved it xx Wonderful post.


I have saved this also. These are wonderful words and real to the heart of a true survivor. I am 10 years free and have come to love the life I have because it’s me that made my life what it is today. I’ve worked hard at at it and it’s beginning to pay off in ways I would have never imagined.

Sometimes I still feel pain, but Lovefraud has helped me and continues to help me everyday. For those of you who are new to this site and are still emmersed in the misery of the pain you feel, know this: That one day you will also be free, and you will see the world in a whole new way and will rejoice in it’s imperfections.

We who have survived live a different life that those around us. We know, see and understand things that most people never do. I went through years of bad attitudes and irritation at small imperfections before I came to accept myself as I truly am, and you know what? I’m not all that bad.

Ox Drover

Dear Louise,

Thank you for this very uplifting post…in many ways I an “there”–at peace, enjoying life, feeling safter, and most of all continuing to grow. There are still some days that are not what I wish them to be because I am not all that I wish I were, but compared to where I was—-this is “heaven on earth.”

Thank you for stating so eloquently what I wish I was eloquent enough to express. (I admire –and envy a bit–your wonderful way with words to be so inspiring!!!)

Your writings hold out a wonderful light for us all to follow. Thank you so very very much. God bless your continued journey in peace and happiness.


But you, OxDrover, are the queen of metaphor!

Am keeping you in my prayers for the trial you’re going through. Hoping it all turns out as well as it possibly can.

Ox Drover

Thank you Skippy! or as Blue skies so aptly put it. “Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.” LOL Thanks for the prayers, too, I’m feeling pretty strong as I go into this, sort of like going to the dentist for a root canal, I think, you know it is going to be painful, but in the end, it will end the infection and keep it from spreading! Oops, did it again! Guess you are right! LOL (((hugs)))

Ox Drover

ps Skippy, I am also the queen of the “run on sentence” per Mrs. Barlow, 7th grade English teacher!



You are the best. You provide so much insight and ongoing help to everyone here.

I vote for you to be an honorary Lovefraud counselor, or some other apt and worthy position.


Ox Drover

Dear Peggy,

I have missed you gal, where have you been? Gosh, my head is reeling from all the compliments—-my “down home” humor and stuff though I really would like to be like Louise, not trying to get a “contest” going here either…I just love reading her posts and articles as it makes me feel so, I don’t even know the words for it, just “spiritual” some how, she just knows how to make a story come out so uplifting and I think compared to her, I am kind of crude by comparison. I envy that quality about her writings. I know that we ALL have our special ability and mine seems to be swining the cyber skillet, but I would like to write like she does. I play the FIDDLE and she is a concert VIOLINIST. I guess that is the difference in our writings. I think each of us has our own special way of putting things that is unique to us, and I sure do like her unique style of writing. I look forward to every article or post she does. I always feel UPLIFTED. But anyway thannk you guys for liking my “fiddling” but even a fiddler likes to hear a concert on the violin. (((hugs))))



Well, guess I like fiddlin’, LOL.

I’ve been trying to get over it (him) and go forward…have been having a super lotta fun, am dating, have started a book but need to get motivated and dedicated. This process of healing seems to be a cycle of good and bad days, moving forward and back in a pendulous motion.

Glad you’re still here! I’ve talked to Aloha briefly and she is very busy.



Thank you for this article. Many months ago I would of agreed with your inspirational words, but didnt have a clue how to get to where you are now. Early on someone here said ‘ The journey to ones self is the is the beautty of it’ something like that.. In the past I think I knew who I was, but was afraid to be me. I measured my self worth by the opinion of all the s/p/n’s in my life. Why did I need anyones approval? Who would I be without ‘s’ in my life? How can I “not’ do what “n” ask of me? She/he loves me after all? And I love them don’t I? So why was I so “not me” ? But who I thought they would approve of..So yes the journey that my latest ‘p’ set me on was long over do..should I thank him? hell no – I think the hardest thing has been accepting the aweful truth that I was played like a puppet. Trained and conditioned to be good and do their right thing…So I have become the me that was always there. And I like me and guess what? lot’s of folks like me just like I always wanted to be..But the most astonishing thing? I like me and I think that is long over due…ramble ramble”’


As we grow up we learn that the one person that was supposed to never let us down probably will. You will probably have your heart broken more than once and it is harder everytime. And you will break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You’ll fight with your best friend. You’ll blame a new love for things an old one did. You’ll cry because time is passing too fast, and you will eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures and laugh too much and love like you have never been hurt because every 60 seconds you spend upset is one minute of happiness you will never get back. I have come to the recent realization that I am probably more of a nerd than I ever thought before…


The post living in the wonder of now is way cool. You are very eloquent and courageous. You could maybe expand this into a book. We shouldn’t let people rob us of our self respect, dignity, or anything else good about us. Live and love with a vengence. I have seen some music quotes here, so I hope you don’t mind me sharing from Mudvayne- Never Enough.
“My legs are weary, but I still walk. My hands are sore broken, but I still clutch. My heart is jaded, but I still love. My cup is empty, but I still pour…..I lost the feeling, but I still touch. I stopped believing, but I still trust.” I only recommend actually listening to the song when the neighbors are away because it sounds better louder.

Ox Drover

Henry, my darling friend,

I always knew you were a nerd! I always knew you had a sentimental streak a mile wide….anyone who loves weenie dogs has to be!!!!

Peggy, I miss aloha, but I told her I WOULD come to her graduation if I had to ride Fat Ass to get there!!! I am so happy for her that she is going to get her masters and be a therapist! She will be wonderful! She was (for those of you who may not remember her) one of the very first posters here on LF and still checks in every now and then. You can go back through some of the archives and read her articles.

Goodnight guys! Don’t let the bed bugs bite!


NERD are cool!



You are the Pheonex that has risen again….and showed us all that there is a light at the end of the tunnel….of finding and loving one’s self again…..what a beautifull enspiring post!!

Thank you!


Haha, Peggy, I like fiddlin’, too! And concert violins! Both make the world rich and interesting.

And there you go again with the fab metaphors, Oxy! Great illustration 🙂

I agree, Erin, nerds are cool. Pithy musings, Henry; insightful.

Thanks, all. You’re such a comfort. Sweet dreams.


Okay…..totally off subject….just an EB update…..
I go to court next week for ANOTHER extension of the already extended TPO…it’s already been 1 year. S is ‘local’ and heading our direction……
He’s up to something…..and I WILL FIGURE IT OUT…..he always leaves breadcrumb trails….
So heres the update….his ‘cronies’ (6 of them) have been charged with btween 3 and 6 counts of ‘drug related’ felonies. 150K bail was revoked due to flight risk.
He has had contact with them just prior to several of their arrests in another state…..let’s just say 2500 miles away from the investigation….. they were arrested and landed back in the ‘investigation’ state……and are now sitting ‘pretty’ in a fed. prison, awaiting trial. This is big!
It would be a good time for one of them to turn and start talking to save their asses…they are facing huge sentences……
I just know the players involved in the state they were picked up in……I know they are involved…..One is a known dude, one has a ‘weird’ business, I never knew how it could survive…..I not only survives….he recently opened a new front……so now there are 2 locations…..These businesses are known to be fruad fronts for drugs…I am sure ex has a stake in laundering money through that business….
Funny enough…..the Ex S has no issues paying off his nice credit card debt that he acquired due to his ‘sever injury’, and ‘brokeness’ during the divorce and his complete inability to work due to ‘me slandering’ his fantabulous name in the community……
Oh, what a victim. (He played the victim card and NO ONE bought it….he was told by one drunken friend, to run up the cards and I would be responsible) NOT! He pouted and rubbed his face (just like miculley Coulkin in home alone) did in our last and final divorce appearance…….BTW…..our state offers videos of these hearings and they are PRICELESS……makes for a great HOME VIDEO watching session with friends. The last appearance was so belly laughing funny to watch him ‘act’ but he couldn’t hide his real stress from me…..I LOVED IT!
His pouting was related to his severe stress due to ‘financial hardship’ and stress wondering how he could possibly pay $150.00 a month for his childrens medical insurance. Even his attorney had a hard time keeping a straight face, this was CLASSIC to watch on video….his attorney kept saying….I KNOW>>i already know what you will say counsel….you don’t even have to say it… he tried to keep a straight face…..
BUT…..after all that….he just can’t control himself and has made huge payments on his CC’s…..and continues to travel, etc….Hmmmmmm…..where is this money coming from???
So…..things are getting hot for him…..and eventually his mask will slip and he will get caught with his dick in his own mouth.
It’s ironic to know his behaviors so well now…..He has made every move I expected him to……every move! He is so predictable it’s a joke…..and he thinks he is RICO SOAVE smooth.
He stayed in that other far away state, while he could gain supply there….bamboozled all of them….because I wasn’t in their view to ‘get to know’……so he captivated them…..then he got bored and moved west…..back to his old supply town, where everyone knows him……or so they think! They know him as a drug dealer…..since high school…..he’s almost 50….wow what a legacy…’s clear why he always kept that part of his life away from us…..
He left my town, after it was clear to him he could’nt run us out……lost every court appearance he attended and needed supply……so he ran…..
To watch people who are still involved with him is funny to me now…..because I know what they are in for….it’s just a matter of time…..
I think it would be the ultimate for him to get locked up and go away for his drugs…..I have done all I can to offer informatin, anything I know, documented or found out……NOW they need to follow his crumbs… some point it will happen…..because, HE WILL NEVER STOP!
All the people that doubted me, will continue to think he got a bad wrap…..because it will be so hard for them to believe he is a drug dealer…..He’s such a nice guy, well dressed, charming…..they don’t see con! But they will!
I do believe everything happens for a reason…..and when THIS happens it will become clear to me why it took so long….
I believe I know where all the money is hidden, I told them that too.
He will have some xplainen to do with certain agencies…..I won’t keep quiet there either….
We didn’t deserve this, it was all his choices, HIS….We were NO PART of it, as much as he tried to get the kids ‘involved’…..
I THANK GOD, my kids have a better mind, and as teenagers no less… not have gone their fathers route….THEY WERE DISGUSTED BY HIM, when he introduced this to them… backfired on the S…………he told them, if you ever tell your mother, it will be the end of our family…….OH….He was right!!!!
THANK GOD I had an influence on them.
SO…..for S to get busted, it would not only take another slime ball off the streets, it would show our kids the full circle…..prove to them, this is not the ‘easy’ route.
We have suffered, we have managed, we are moving along…..WE ARE OKAY!!!!
I am so grateful it has all turned out the way it has……
and I don’t believe it’s over…..cuz the fat lady ain’t singing yet, she’s still following the bread crumbs!
Stay tuned…….

super chic

Erin… you are AWESOME! A ROCK!! Erin Rocks!!!

Ox Drover

Dear Louuise,

Your prose is so musical and uplifting! It is like the words are magic and go straight to the heart. I still can’t think of the word I want to describe the feeling your posts give me. That’s the worst part about the CRS is that I have word fiinding difficulty! LOL and it frustrates the heck out of me!!!

I am also committed to Donna and that is why i stay here after so long—that, and I love the articles and the posters, and seeing them come here in tears and confusion and before long they are giving wonderful support to OTHERS and we all “shout” TOWANDA together!!!

Each of us does have a unique voice and a unique perspective on healing, and that IS what makes this site so different from others I have read or posted on. SO SPECIAL.

I’m so glad you will be doing a weekly article! Can’t wait for Wednesdays now!!! Thanks so much, so VERY much for sharing you perspectives and your views, Louise. I always visualize you sitting in a field of wild flowers, with maybe a golden retreiver by your side, and birds singing in the back ground or flitting from one tree to another. PEACE. TRANQUILITY, and HARMONY. The field bright with sunshine and love as you write your articles. (((hugs))))



My heart goes RIGHT OUT THERE to you….YOU ARE TURNING IT AROUND!!! He is so predictable, he has made every move you thought he would…..YOU are knee deep in drama and over stimulation and I can totally get it….but out of it all, out of it all…I want to remind you of something….’Thank God my kids have a better mind……’ THEY WERE DISGUSTED BY HIM…Thank God I had an influence on them……..
WE HAVE SUFFERED, WE HAVE MANAGED , WE ARE MOVING ALONG OK……This is the most important part of what you are living through….that you and your kids continue to evolve and the fat lady aint singing because she is blown away by your COURAGE and SPIRIT and LOVE in the face of this negativity…brilliant, inspiring and I wish you every good luck and blessing that’s out there to get!


I just had my first encounter with a sociopath. I cannot believe they are actually out there. It is so scary. I met him on an online dating site, He created an entire persona based on what he thought I wanted. It worked, too. Luckily, I started pointing out small variations in his lies. I wasn’t even trying, I just got more comfortable with him and began asking questions. He was just to the point where he wanted me to start paying for things…like a parking ticket he got a my house. I refused. I work too hard for my money. He dropped me immediately. It was so cold and callous. He was sweet and nice one minute, then just no emotion. Completely gone. It’s like, I looked at him and all the facade was gone in an instant and before me was this terrifying, cold man. I feel so used, but lucky I didn’t fall for it. I found out about all the lies when I did some research on him, which I should have done earlier. I eventually contacted a girl, who happened to be another girlfriend. She has been with him for over a year. She said she just accepts him for who he is and loves him anyway. There is a third girl too. I just cannot believe they actually exist. How can the person next door have absolutely no humanity? I’m baffled. I don’t even know where to go from here. I’m just glad I got out before I turned into her. Well, I guess, he’s the one that ended it with me, technically, but thank God I didn’t fall in love with him and do whatever he wanted.

Ox Drover

Dear Completelyscared,


I don’t mean to make fun of you at all, but I do hope this is a wake up call to you that the person behind the screen can be WHATEVER HE WANTS TO PRETEND TO BE…I AM glad tha tyou got out without being murdered, scammed for everything you own, married to him and had two kids that turned out to be genetic copies of him, etc.

hang around here, there is a WEALTH of knowledge about ‘them” in many variations and KNOWLEDGE=POWER, to learn to recognize them for what they are before they sinnk their fangs into you.

WELCOME!!! Glad you found your way here!!! God Bless.


Thank God your first encounter with an S was a relatively
harmless one, considering what it could have been.
and Thank God you had a chance to see one up close and
personal so you now know the Grimm fairy tales about them
are actually true, and that you’ll know next time what they look like.
What Drover says is absolutely right KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.
Allow your experience to empower you because it gave you
the knowledge you need to protect yourself.

healing the heart


I am so so happy for you.. !! you Knew something was wrong,
and you are so so wise… to let him go…. be careful.. cause
he might be back…!! but you are not “in love with him”
so you do not have his hook in you !!!
the part that I identify with,,, is…
It was so cold and callous. He was sweet and nice one minute, then just no emotion. Completely gone. It’s like, I looked at him and all the facade was gone in an instant and before me was this terrifying, cold man.

this is what I saw also… dating him for 3 months…!! but I had fallen in love with him already…. when I saw the cold and empty no emotion inside of him…. I broke up with him
immediately….. and told him never ever to call me again.
and he just stayed cold … and I was telling
him to stay away from me..!!!

I immediately accepted a date with another man who was very attractive and warm and really emotional… !!!
with in a week… the x called and said…. am I calling you too soon… and I told him I meant what I said.. and involved with another man.. who is better for me…! I was honest with him.
He stayed away another few months … and just called from time to time…. and finally broke me down to see him again,
and sure enought I was under his spell once again….. that was 5 years ago. so he was very good for years with me.
but… again… now he lies… and cheats and lies about it all.
no matter what… he denies.. any wrong doings… !! Its so painful.. and there is no future with a man that cant really love me…. just pretends….. and gives me dreams that do not come true…!!! And I am a smart powerful women…. who has
been caught in his web…. so.. be careful… I wish this on no body…. stay away from this man.. that cold person with out emotion is the real person…..who just build himself up. I wish I found this site… 5 years ago !!!


Thanks for that uplifting post. It comes at a time when I really need it. All you wonderful people here keep me going and make me realize that the battle is worth fighting. Thanks to everyone for your support. I needed to be quiet for a while so as not to fuel the fire that is my stalker here, but I have read every post and appreciate every comment. God bless all of us!


What a wonderful article! It seems divinely inspired!!!

It describes where I am in the process of living for me. I feel validated.

I want to soar and I’m finding my wings. They have always been with me but buried beneath the roots of my past–and not just the past with the P. I’ve been doing some digging and uprooting.

This is my meditation: I imagine my back area–from shoulder to shoulder and down in a triangular shape. I have my left shoulder which represents recent relationships, my right should which represents my past relationship (marriage of 26 years), and the middle of my back which represents ALL the negative messages from the past. The shoulders feel freer. But it’s the middle of my back–the past–that is entangled in all those horrible experiences/thoughts/beliefs from the long ago past. Those are the most entangled roots. When I have a negative thought I try to distract by thinking of the roots being pushed out with the wings that are replacing them.

I’m taking a long break from dating until I have my wings–until I have enough freedom within to act on what is best for me–a concept opposite of that childhood lesson of “think of other people first and treat them like you want to be treated.” Another part of the lesson that was left out…we all know!! There are “Ps” in the world….!

One of my favorite quotes by Anonymous: Just when the catepillar thought the world had ended it became a butterfly.

Thank you for the excellent article!

Ox Drover

Dear MaryJo,

Don’t ever let that stalker keep you from posting here!!! this is YOUR PLACE, not hers. It is obvious what they are pretty quickly to most of us here, though we do tend to be “too compassionate” sometimes when people come here, rather than the reverse.

Let her rant! YOU and WE know who and what you are!!!! She can prattle on forever and it doesn’t change who you are or what Joey is.

I for one am glad you are here, glad that you finally (like the rest of us,) EVENTUALLY got it, and that you have the “bully pulpit” of “fame” because of what happened to you to SPREAD THE WORD and the COURAGE to DO IT!!!!

My “pheasant-feathered derby” hat wiith the huge rooster tail of feathers, is off to you, and I bow to your courage and healing!!! You have become the “Joan of Arc” waving the flag for the rest of us to follow in your courageous lead!!! THANK YOU, you will probably never know how many LIVES YOU SAVE, how many beatings, killings, and misery your book prevents, because it is difficult to keep statistics on what did NOT happen, but your voice will save many I have NO DOUBT!!! Thank you again, and my prayers for your continued healing, peace and happiness. (((hugs)))) from an old woman who took a lot more than 17 years to GET it! It also took an attempt on my life to wake me up! Even then I didn’t want to believe it.


Morgan: love the quote (as Oxy knows..LOL!xxxx) the butterfly transformation analogies are my favorite for all of us going through these

Twice Betrayed

Dear Completelyscared,
My X-husband P is on these dating sites. From all I am hearing from my daughter and an X gal friend posting on my X’s facebook [it was sent to me by a friend]….he is giving them a real workout. Got loads of women going at the same time. This gal friend of his was the main one that met him and picked him up after I dumped him. She was playing ‘mama’ to him. He moved into her home, used and abused her….and get this: I guess thru my daughter she started watching my facebook page. On my facebook page I post lots of info on P’s. Well, she started reading….and thinking–she tracked his online activity and found out he was cheating on her via online dating sites. She blew a fuse…posted it all over his facebook and threw him out. Now: this is really funny…she lived close by the freeway and that Sat AM I was on my way down the freeway……..I thought I am going to drive past there and see if she really threw him out……sure enough from the side road I could see her standing in her yard, a truck there and my X’s poor robot brother moving my x’s stuff out for him [this bro is a slave to my P X too]. This gal got wise off my info….teeee, heeee! I loved it. Karma is so nice. 😉 LOLOLOLOL!


blueskies: thanks. and happy flying!

Ox Drover

Dear Twice,

Karma is NICE, BUTTTTTTT….keeping tabs on them can “rent them space” in YOUR head that they don’t deserve. Even though “revenge” or “karma” is a good feeling, the BEST feeling is the NIRVANA OF INDIFFERENCE when you really do NOT even wish them harm, don’t wish them anything, and you would not gloat on their downfalls….it is difficult and takes time to get to that state, but working on it is liberating even if you “backslide” some times.

For me, I have found that getting the BITTERNESS OUT OF MY OWN HEART is better for ME–doesn’t mean I condone them etc, but just pay them as little attention positive OR negative as I can. Hang in there, the healing is a JOURNEY, not a destination and there are always new things to learn and it does get better and better as we go along, even if sometimes we do hit a pot hole or two, just climb back out, dust ourselves off and move on toward the LIGHT!!! (((HUGS)))) AND GOD BLESS YOU!!!


Dearest completelyscared, I just read your post and had to smile with a proud “you go girl” out loud. Be proud of yourself that you :”dodged a bullet” and are discerning and STRONG enough to close the door on this emotional vampire and all of his entrappings! As you have read, most of us weren’t that aware- we were too brainwashed to get out of it so soon.
Continue to research disordered personalites- as I have seen some differences in these people and some tactics are alittle different- for instance, recently I had a guy who appeared to be “all about me”, too eager to help, and seemed to study what “I” needed help with and tried to get close. -My x N/p NEVER used these tactics. But as time went on, I saw the “dead eyes”, the risky behaviors-criminal, thrill seeking- driving fast, living fast,, Then a violent tendency trait- broke his own windshield in what he called “a temper tantrum” and various “scare the HECK outta ME stuff. I never was romantically involved with him- THANK god. I instinctively felt I had to disengage from him CAREFULLY- not to cause any rage, or rejection in him due to my gut instinct that this guy could be dangerous. He had no moral compass- no regrets about punching others, or anything he deemed necessary to do in life. He claimed to not believe in God -very different from my P “evangalist” who faked christianity to get favor.
How I discovered all this about him so quickly is that I set him up by carefully designed questions and comments directed toward him.
By listening very intently I got his number fast, and even told him I was dating someone in order to get him out of my life.
I thought about putting a 6 foot 3″ stand up doll in my front window at my house just to reinterate ” I gotta boyfriend” hehehe! My” fake boyfriend” story got this disordered scary guy out of my back yard- as I felt like to him I was vulnerable like a little girl holding a lollipop. Thank God we are no longer suckers!!!

Ox Drover

THE CONFERENCE IS TONIGHT—well the conference with the Reverend is tonight somewhere after 6:00 p.m. at his home. I have to go get some things copied (copies of my P son’s letters etc) to leave with the Reverend. He and his wife have accepted my suggestion that the egg donor be confronted as a GROUP—that will keep her from wiggling around and lying because we will be facing her and she will KNOW SHE IS CORNERED (i THINK–HOPE-PRAY) But I am NOT getting my expectations up too high—this is just a last ditch effort to keep her from sending money to the Pson so he will be able to mount another attack.

The worst part will be, I think, is that if it does work, I will have to have face to face contact (at least some) with her to monitor the situation, but I WILL NEVER TRUST HER AGAIN, so will NEVER LET MY GUARD DOWN. I DO DREAD that, and my thoat chokes up a bit just at the thought of it, but I AM STRONG, and I will do WHAT I HAVE TO DO.

Thank all of you for the support, validatino and hugs you have given me through all of this mess. I still have my date on Wednesday to look forward to and yesterday was a good day so will keep on kee;ing on, one foot in front of the other!!! TOWANDA!!!

Ox Drover

ps: PRAY FOR ME!!!


Completelyscared- another clue about this bad man- was how he treated service people- waiters, workers, and so forth. Not lining up with his willingness to go overboard to help me. He stayed angry and sullen alot, but seemed to come alive when trying to hook me. I now make it my job to “study” anyone trying to become involved in my life.
Even listening to x wives who “hate” their x husbands- my reasoning is- If you got an x wife who hates you, Im pretty sure I’d be hating you pretty soon too! lol


Dearest Oxy,
I am praying for you right now and in Jesus name, that He holds you in the palm of his hand and provides safety,comfort, and peace. xoxoxo


Dear Oxy. LOTS of love. Lots of strength.You ARE strong.xxxx The biggest fattest TOWANDA!xxxxxxx and (((((((((((((((( GIGANTO HUGS!)))))))))))))



Has anyone approached you about speaking in schools/colleges?

I have always believed that education about personality disorders should start very young, with children while they are still in school.
If kids are educated about personality disorders BEFORE they enter the world, maybe (just maybe) a lot of the devastation that sociopaths cause could be reduced.
Not only that, but some of the teenagers that may be showing early signs of personality disorders could receive more effective help EARLY.
I wish someone would have educated me about sociopaths when I was in junior high/high school & college.

Furthermore, if you are speaking in schools, you know that parents are going to take notice, as well. It will have a blow-up effect.
The more educated the general public is about what traits/characteristics to watch for in a sociopath, the less room the sociopaths will have to maneuver, and run their con games.

Anyway, I would be very interested in having you come and speak at the schools in my community, if you are open to it.

We can discuss fees/expenses offline.

I am sure you are busy right now promoting your book. But, I think your story is powerful, because it is one that so many women and young girls across the country can relate to, or may find themselves in one day.

Twice Betrayed

Dear OxDrover:
I do completely agree with you! Indifference to what they do is one of the final stages of healing. I am there now. I no longer accept info about what he is doing from ‘friends’ and I no longer am interested in what he is doing. I don’t care. But, at the time that all took place I was not to this point of healing. But, I do think others need to know these types of males use everything for contacts: including oneline dating sites. Mine once told me: if he was single he would use the internet to be whoever he wanted to become. I think he meant it….and probably did not wait until he became single. Dangerous out on the cyberway.

Twice Betrayed

PS…thanks for all the very good help/advice. I appreciate it. ((((hugs back to you))))


Ps – single, attached, married, or otherwise, are ALWAYS out there looking for their next ‘conquest.’ i now realize that on-line porn was only a small piece of what my XP was doing. he works nites, so while i was working during the day, he was ‘making his rounds.’ (yes, he’s a nurse…eeek) Absolutely perfect for him. no wonder he liked working nites. he kept complaining he couldn’t sleep. hard to sleep when you’ve got a hard-on all day. gotta have a few hours sleep before working or doing it again. sorry for being crast (sp?) now, but now that i know what i know, i should have looked at his dick/balls to see how it/they hung…or realized why he was so hard when he came home in the morning. how stupid to think the viagra was for me. i just got the bullshit, while she got the sex. was i stupid or what. (ladies, just another tell-tale sign to look for to see if your man is fng someone.)

Twice Betrayed

Girl, you are so right! They are always looking for the next one/two/three etc. My XP loved to hit small cafes, stores where young girls worked that usually had small children and made very little money….ie: were in need of $$ which he would dangle before them and give them some money or help buy their kids something…you know; find out what they needed. Now he has bought a yacht with his half of our house money [I bought him out] and is cruising around with a bunch of young girls [and guys] hanging on his boat. He’s decorated it like a pirate ship and he’s Jack Sparrow…..LOL! He’s forever sixteen…………[better get some little pills with V’s on them…if he thinks he can run with the young guns! ;)] Bwaaahahahahahaha! Bet that sometimes ED is really a bummer. 😉



I need the “NIRVANA OF INDIFFERENCE”…I’m so lonely without the illusion of him…crying….pining….like a puppy for mother….feels like a deep unmet need I have for…what i do not know but it’s huge….Do not worry …I know he is an illusion and my upset is an expression of how much I wanted to believe….Best of luck with the confrontation….it takes the village to corner all the enablers….


The cheating is so hard to take…my ex swore “I was the only one bla bla” then to find out the depth of his on line slobbering and lying…his subsequent descent into girlfriend after girlfriend, his clever little pick up lines and cute little flirts….all A big CON JOB FOR ALL WOMEN……leave his balls hang whatvever way they like…..a woman like you needs to find a better man!!! run for your life….do not look back and thank God you still have your spirit


What a beautiful and inspiring message. Great to pop in here and find that message waiting for me, as I’m home sick today with little else to do besides check in with my internet friends.

I have started have glimpses of “well-being” and centeredness lately and it has been a long time coming. What I have found is that when I feel like I’m good enough just the way I am, it’s easier for me to be vulnerable with others and easier to face rejection. I don’t have to hide or put on a facade in case they see the real me. The real me seems to be just fine, with all the flaws and imperfections.

It has been 14 months since I went NC with the sociopath, and for a long time I didn’t want to date anyone. But lately, I have had the strong desire. I started remembering an affair I had with a younger man before I met the sociopath. I never had closure with the younger man. So I took it upon myself to contact him. To my surprise, he had been thinking about me and wants to visit me from SF in a month or two. It was very difficult having the conversation with him and being so vulnerable. But I’m realizing that without risk, you cannot have love. The age difference was part of the risk. For two years I responded abruptly to his emails because I was too embarrassed to let him know how I felt. Looking back, I think I have left a lot of relationships without closure. Anyway, it all starts with accepting myself. I’m not there 100% but seeing glimpses of it.

I apologize for rambling. Hi everyone!

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