It has been just over six years since the man who promised to love me ”˜til death do us part (and took the ”˜til death part way too seriously) was arrested. In the intervening years, I have grown and healed and cried and slipped and stood and leaped and wrestled with truth versus fiction. I have sought to make sense of his nonsense and dropped my need to understand him as I’ve struggled to find my one true self beneath the debris of his torturous ride through my life.
And I have survived.
I have stood up tall while the sky was falling down around me. I have turned sour grapes into the heady bouquet of sunlit days of wine and roses. I have uncovered lies. Torn away the darkness and peeled back time to find my truth within me. I have been drawn by courage to face my own culpability in all that happened. I have faced my fears and asked for forgiveness. I have forgiven and been forgiven. I have asked for strength and found the truth of who I am. For in the end, truth has overcome his lies. Triumph surpassed the tragedy of his abuse.
In the years since his arrest, escape from prison, stalking and subsequent re-confinement to eventual release I have ridden the rollercoaster of my emotions, sometimes confident in my knowledge that I would be okay, sometimes terrified I would never find myself again, never know peace of mind. Yet, through it all, I have breathed gratefully into the joy of being free. Of the gift of living without his lies poisoning my mind, without his deceit blurring my vision and undermining my belief in who I am. I have embraced the truth that I deserve so much more in life than him. I deserve all of this I have today, and everything better.
It has been a journey of self-discovery. A voyage into the wonder of being me, in all my laughter, tears and fears and sorrow. It has been a journey into self-acceptance, forgiveness, humility and self-examination. And through it all, it has been a journey of love. A journey of knowing, this is my one and only life. It is up to me to make it a life worth living. A worthwhile life. A life of joy and laughter. Love and beauty. It’s up to me in how I live it up — or let it slip away. It’s up to me to be all that I am meant to be, dancing in the light of my beauty, warts and all.
It is the greatest gift of that relationship — the wonder of knowing me. Of knowing I am okay, exactly the way I am. That I have all I ever need, or want, or desire, right here within me. That I am free to love without fear, to laugh without tears, to cry and spill my heart out. To walk away or walk into open arms knowing, no matter their embrace, I will be okay. Because I am a woman of worth. A woman alive. An enlivened woman, dancing in the rain, splashing through puddles, leaping for joy at thunder crashing and lightning flashing. I am okay, however I am, whomever I’m with, because I have me, myself and I. Fearless. Uncompromising. Honest. Caring. Kind. Beauty and the beast. Yin and yang. Sunlight and sunset. Dark and light. And always loving.
In my journey from the darkness of those days where I believed his lies and abuse were all that I deserved, I have learned to accept myself, just the way I am. To let go of regret and to give into hope. To let go of anger and fall into truth. To let go of fear and surrender to love.
I have learned that the past is only a memory — and I decide its value in my life today. That what someone does to me is nothing compared to what I do with my experience. That someone else’s lies are not my truth, unless I choose to believe them. That there is beauty in this world around me. That I can trust myself to know the difference between false hope and honest possibilities. I have learned that I have courage, that I can stand up and turn up for me without fear of falling under someone else’s assertions I am too weak, or stupid, or short or tall or fat or skinny.
I have learned that I am not measured by my past, but by how I move through each moment of today. I decide if I create harmony or discord. Love or hatred. I have learned that each step I take is determined by the foundation under me — and I create that foundation with every breath, thought, word, action I take.
I have learned that I am me. Unique. Special. Magnificent. A human being of immense worth. A wondrous, luminous child of God. Filled with the greatness of my human being. Capable of falling down and courageous enough to stand back up and take another step and another and then another. My journey is not measured in the falls I take. It is built upon the hands I reach out, the steps I build towards creating my higher ground where I become my best me yet. My journey is measured in the love I give and receive.
I have learned that being me, perfectly human in all my imperfections, is the greatest gift I can give. I have learned to create value in all things in my world. My value is in everything I do. In how I treat myself and those I love and the world around me. My value is not measured against what I have. It is created in who I am in this world of wonder when I live this precious life in the rapture of now, without fear that I am not enough.
I am enough. Just the way I am.
Dear Twice,
My FIRST marriage was a nightmare because of his P father, I ended up alone, broke, devestated and with a kid on each hip. It was 7 years after the first divorce before I remarried again to an old friend and we had 20 good years before he was killed five years ago last month.
Eight months after his death I was NEEDY, LONELY AND VULNERABLE to othe first P that came along. It was 4 months of bliss, 4 months of agony, before I kicked him to the curb, bawling like a gut-shhot dog. Then quite a while after that that I was able to start work on ME. then the P-attacks from my P-son, the Trojan horse psychopath my P-DIL and all of that chaos.
Two years ago I had “given up” on being either happy alone or finiding a good man to love me. I have finally come around to where I am content and satisfied alone. No longer needy.
Sure, I would love to have a good relationship, I think, but it is no longer a REQUIREMENT for happiiness or fulfillment. Same situation, just a different attitude about it. I am finding that there are many things in this life we cannot change, but accepting REALITY as it is, is a lot more healthy than just grieving over the things over which we have NO CONTROL and never coming to acceptence.
I grieved over getting older and looking my age, but what the heck can I do about it? Not a darn thing except accept it, accept reality and be happy any way. Dr. Jean Shinoda Bolen, M. D. has written several great books for women in the over 50 agre group, one called “Goddesses in Older Women, Archetypes in women over fifty” and one called “Crones don’t Whine” and they are great. As she calls it, I am “becoming a juicy crone.” (crone is an old English word for WISE WOMAN)
Rosa
here is the way I see it! A person has to earn my trust, they just don’t get it up front. that was my fault before, because I gave my trust that they would honor my code ! And I so easaly made excuses when they did not! The Boundries are firm now not as before when I would trade rationalization and break my own boundries for the sake of my emotions!
I Trust God Unconditionally because He loves me that way!
People on the other hand most commonly want something for their attention! that is not love nither trust or friendship!
Count the best of the best on one hand!
A friend requires nothing of you and loves you regardless of your belieffs at the moment!
As we walk the trials of life! Peace
Oxy: I see! Great post!!!!
I agree……we must accept some things we cannot change. In my life I am finding there are things I can change and ME is the main one. I am not going down w/o a fight on aging. I am in there pitching and it’s working. I may not be twenty but hey I don’t look old either. I saw a woman in this little shop I love…and she was from NY and 72 years old. She looked GOOD! Trim, good skin and very stylish. I asked her to tell me her secret [I was listening and looking for signs of PS but I saw none]. She said she walked several miles in the AM, worked out with weights, ate well, did facial exercises, used the latest anti-aging creams, good makeup, dressed classic Hepburn, read good books, wrote, and did not neglect her soul. I made up my mind to be like that. I am going to be the best me I can be.!!! Old age is going to have to come after me hard….cause I am not going to yield till I die. 😉
Easy….what a post!!!! Too sweeeet! *high five*
MORGAN says
“I have decided to be “loving” instead of looking to “be in love” or “fall in love.” I want to be loving in everything I do. And especially towards me.
So”I’m getting ready to take my first solo vacation”“a hiking trip to the west. That’ll be good training for my next vacation”“my dream trip plus”next year I’m traveling to Tibet and Nepal”“I’ll be going solo (but with an organized group).
While I may feel somewhat lonely at times, I know that is better than being with someone whose company is toxic to my soul.
Osho says “love is the nourishment of the soul.” So, I’m going to nourish my soul”and when some man comes along and tries to sweep me off my feet then I’ll trust my innermost personal experience to guide me. That’s where I am now. Focusing on me. Getting into me. That is against everything I was taught to do.
Of course”I mean this in a non-narcissistic way! lol”
MORGAN – For me, this IS what it is ALL about for ALL of us…your post touched my spirit and soul! So well said and honest and open and educating! Have a wonderfully emotionally freeing trip…you definitely have what it takes to find healing and strength and the greatest love of all!!! God bless you…and thank you for your insightful and inspirational post — LTL
No, he hasn’t kissed me! I think he is really shy. He just left here a few minutes ago came by early afternoon and we talked and then watched a DVD of a movie he hadn’t seen, and then ate supper and then talked some more, then he had to go early cause he had to get up really early tomorrow. Said he would call me tomorrow and we’d decide if we wanted to go anywhere.
He just seems really natural, but very shy I think. Seemed to enjoy the visit and dinner and looking at photos of some of the things I’ve done and places I’ve been.
He is good company and also seems like he is very kind. He is doing a lot of things for his 75 yr old sister, she sounds pretty much like a Psychopath but he still helps her out. They were at a big party at his 97 yr old father’s nursing home (he has a girl friend) but the sister was NOT invited cause she doesn’t get along with the “girl friend” of their dad’s, so all the family, even one of his sister’s X’s was invited but no one told the nasty sister! LOL
He seems to like my sons and their friends who were here today and tonight—they and my son D are going tomorrow to a dinner for Scout Leaders, so will be gone in the morning, and son C is going to a gun show, so I will be here by myself tomorrow all day and evening. If I go somewhere with him or by myself fine, if not I will stay home and catch up on cleaning and reading and blogging with you guys!
Easy:
Thank you. ((Big red heart emoticon goes here))
learnthelesson: thank you for your kind and supportive words. the validation expressed toward each other in here is most helpful in recovering.
namaste.
OxDrover, I read back journel entries from several years ago. I came across this part about “verification!!!” Apparently, I needed to have re-read that prior to the last relationship. However, it is a rule to live by in the future.
I will veryfiy his words by looking at actions–for one thing. He’ll have to prove he deserves me. I finally understand what it means to have a sacred body. I don’t want to share any intimacy with someone unless I trust them. I’ll take chances because that is who I am. But I’ll learn to take more calculated risks in which I am more aware of what I’m getting into. No more…I believe you because you say it. Verification. Verification. Verification. Or I walk away.
Thank ya’ll all…for the contributions to the blog. It has been such an important part of my healing!
Thank you…!
Namaste.
Thanks to everyone who wrote your words of sharing and wisdom.
I have felt guilty for writing about my mother even though she says things that hurt me. I know that she is under a great deal of stress because of my father’s dementia and other health issues that are worsening daily.
We work together as a family and have for many years.
My first marriage nearly destroyed me and my boys towards the end. My ex-mother-in-law was vicious and was hell bent on destroying our marriage. She was cruel, a toxic person, to say the least. It seems that I have allowed people to hurt me all of my life.
Skylar, you may be right about my family. My mother wants us to be there, yet I can never do anything to her satisfaction.
My older brother has moved away from his family to help with my father, which is a 24 hr. on call job. He also takes care of thirty acres of beautiful grounds, helps with events, etc.. Yet, he receives constant criticism. My sister is the only one who doesn’t live anywhere near here. She quit calling or talking to me shortly after I married my second husband, the P.
I know that the situation with my mother is not healthy, but because of her age, and my father, I do not know what to do.
As for trust, I hope that there are good people out there. I just know that I will not marry again.
On another note, I have been told by several “well meaning”
people that I am too friendly and that I shouldn’t talk much.
I guess that I am an open person, but I don’t divulge my life’s history to everyone I meet. I have been told that I shouldn’t ever mention my marriage to the P. It is funny that I don’t even have to. All of my dirty laundry is aired before I could even think to.
I am 53 yrs. old and I want to grow up!
This week I take my youngest son to Boston for college.
Today I found out that my beloved cat is very ill.
I have to move again to a less expensive rental in two weeks.
The landlords do not want my cats there.
My first husband is threatening to stop sending money.
My P, well, he is what he is.
I just want some peace.
thanks again. Hugs to all!!!