It has been just over six years since the man who promised to love me ”˜til death do us part (and took the ”˜til death part way too seriously) was arrested. In the intervening years, I have grown and healed and cried and slipped and stood and leaped and wrestled with truth versus fiction. I have sought to make sense of his nonsense and dropped my need to understand him as I’ve struggled to find my one true self beneath the debris of his torturous ride through my life.
And I have survived.
I have stood up tall while the sky was falling down around me. I have turned sour grapes into the heady bouquet of sunlit days of wine and roses. I have uncovered lies. Torn away the darkness and peeled back time to find my truth within me. I have been drawn by courage to face my own culpability in all that happened. I have faced my fears and asked for forgiveness. I have forgiven and been forgiven. I have asked for strength and found the truth of who I am. For in the end, truth has overcome his lies. Triumph surpassed the tragedy of his abuse.
In the years since his arrest, escape from prison, stalking and subsequent re-confinement to eventual release I have ridden the rollercoaster of my emotions, sometimes confident in my knowledge that I would be okay, sometimes terrified I would never find myself again, never know peace of mind. Yet, through it all, I have breathed gratefully into the joy of being free. Of the gift of living without his lies poisoning my mind, without his deceit blurring my vision and undermining my belief in who I am. I have embraced the truth that I deserve so much more in life than him. I deserve all of this I have today, and everything better.
It has been a journey of self-discovery. A voyage into the wonder of being me, in all my laughter, tears and fears and sorrow. It has been a journey into self-acceptance, forgiveness, humility and self-examination. And through it all, it has been a journey of love. A journey of knowing, this is my one and only life. It is up to me to make it a life worth living. A worthwhile life. A life of joy and laughter. Love and beauty. It’s up to me in how I live it up — or let it slip away. It’s up to me to be all that I am meant to be, dancing in the light of my beauty, warts and all.
It is the greatest gift of that relationship — the wonder of knowing me. Of knowing I am okay, exactly the way I am. That I have all I ever need, or want, or desire, right here within me. That I am free to love without fear, to laugh without tears, to cry and spill my heart out. To walk away or walk into open arms knowing, no matter their embrace, I will be okay. Because I am a woman of worth. A woman alive. An enlivened woman, dancing in the rain, splashing through puddles, leaping for joy at thunder crashing and lightning flashing. I am okay, however I am, whomever I’m with, because I have me, myself and I. Fearless. Uncompromising. Honest. Caring. Kind. Beauty and the beast. Yin and yang. Sunlight and sunset. Dark and light. And always loving.
In my journey from the darkness of those days where I believed his lies and abuse were all that I deserved, I have learned to accept myself, just the way I am. To let go of regret and to give into hope. To let go of anger and fall into truth. To let go of fear and surrender to love.
I have learned that the past is only a memory — and I decide its value in my life today. That what someone does to me is nothing compared to what I do with my experience. That someone else’s lies are not my truth, unless I choose to believe them. That there is beauty in this world around me. That I can trust myself to know the difference between false hope and honest possibilities. I have learned that I have courage, that I can stand up and turn up for me without fear of falling under someone else’s assertions I am too weak, or stupid, or short or tall or fat or skinny.
I have learned that I am not measured by my past, but by how I move through each moment of today. I decide if I create harmony or discord. Love or hatred. I have learned that each step I take is determined by the foundation under me — and I create that foundation with every breath, thought, word, action I take.
I have learned that I am me. Unique. Special. Magnificent. A human being of immense worth. A wondrous, luminous child of God. Filled with the greatness of my human being. Capable of falling down and courageous enough to stand back up and take another step and another and then another. My journey is not measured in the falls I take. It is built upon the hands I reach out, the steps I build towards creating my higher ground where I become my best me yet. My journey is measured in the love I give and receive.
I have learned that being me, perfectly human in all my imperfections, is the greatest gift I can give. I have learned to create value in all things in my world. My value is in everything I do. In how I treat myself and those I love and the world around me. My value is not measured against what I have. It is created in who I am in this world of wonder when I live this precious life in the rapture of now, without fear that I am not enough.
I am enough. Just the way I am.
I read recently that leaving a narcopath in charge of {or trusting them with} your money, is like leaving a dog to guard your lunch! Actually, my money is on trusting the dog!GemXX
Thanks for your encouraging words, shabbychic and twice betrayed. The young boy has not contacted me about his pending upcoming visit, and I’m feeling a little let down. I am so tired of disappointments with men. I don’t think I have to tell you guys–you already know about that. I know I should just be out having fun, but I’ve been home sick and probably overly focused on his visit.
jfog1, I can so relate to what you say about your family putting you down. My remaining family members (sister and mother) when given a chance, will do the same thing to me. It is very sad that I’ve mainly gone NC with them for many years, with a few brief interactions scattered throughout the years. I know it’s unconventional, but I think it’s really okay to limit contact with people who hurt you, even if they’re your family. They don’t see who you are because of their own narcissism. When I encounter people like that, I don’t share much of my life with them.
Just in case anyone was wondering why I chose this handle (easy)
It is because I was an EASY target
I viewed the world through rose colored glasses and though I had been misstreated by so called friends, really aquaintances I had no experiences with a parrasite such as he was!
I now value the Whole experience and wouldn’t want it any differently!!!!!!!!!!!!!! because it forced me to open my eyes and learn more about MY SELF than I cared to know before!
It was not easy and It is still a process ongoing to this day! one day at a time one moment at a time with all the support I can get from my family and friends!
Family doesn’t get it still! very few friends understand!
MOSTLY it is Lf that comprehends and can relate!
and My Faith
Thank you all!
If it wher e not for you girls and guys I would still be in the fog!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDBawULJ9H0&feature=channel_page
Stargazer… yes I know about the feeling let down stuff, you’re probably right, since you’ve been home sick you’ve had more time to think about it. “The young boy”, you’re killing me! ROTFLMAO!
It was just coincidence that the found Jaycee.
Quote:
A female campus cop, Lisa Campbell, became suspicious because his two little girls were acting strangely. She investigated him and found out he was on parole. Then she called his parole officer and mentioned the two daughters.
“He doesn’t have any daughters,” the parole officer responded.
Then the parole officer had him come into his office with his family.
To me, this sounds REALLY STUPID. How could they be sure that he would not skip town? My P and I’m sure each of you can agree, would not have gone into the parole officer’s office. Is that the best the police can do? Request a meeting when they suspect that their is a woman or child in danger?
How stupid are the law enforcement officers? This guy is on parole and a sex offender. They should just have gone to his house unannounced in a surprise visit.
According to a news story here is what Elizabeth Smart said about it:
“advised survivors to not let “this horrible event take over and consume the rest of your life. Because we only have one life and it’s a beautiful world out there.”
“I would just encourage her to find different passions in life and continually push forward … [and] not to look behind, because there’s a lot out there,” Smart said”
Good advice for all of us. There is the cognitive path of deliberately trying to heal, but there is a lot to be said for fast forwarding to the part where you concentrate on filling yourself and your life with new passions …espe. those that have NOTHING to do with men!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well my new passion in life is to OUT THE SOCIOPATHS. I WANT TO BE A VAMPIRE SLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know that all of us here have been abused or felt trapped by our abusers, but gosh, I can NOT EVEN IMAGINE what being held a prisoner for 18 years by such as he (starting at age 11) must ahve been for that young woman.
As for the parole officer’s behavior:
After the Trojan horse psychopath was released, I contacted his parole officer. The parole officer HAD NO IDEA HE WAS A 3 X PEDOPHILE CONVICTED X-CON—-and from the way he talked to me, he did not really care.
Unfortunately, though some mparole officers are VERY caring people and hard working with huge case loads, there are MANY in my opinion who take the jobs because they are LAZY and don’t care. They just want a job where they are not well supervised. Same thing with prison guards, etc.
Unfortunately, I think with a combination of lack of supervison on the outside of dangerous felons because of over loading of the parole officers, and parole officers who come to see their jobs as unimportant and don’t care, it is impossible for us as a nation to continue these programs that HAVE NO, AND ARE NOT WORKING.
A huge majority of violent crime is committed by the 20 percent or so of the psychopath convicts, and if those people were incarcerated on the 3-strikes and you are out program where they get 3 felonies and do life without parole, then the number of convicts that are violent, or pedophiles would decrease so that the parole officers COULD wawtch them.
Unless we as a society get SERIOUS about incarcerating violent felons and keeping them there, weare not going to be able to build enough prisons to hosue the criminals or enough grave yards and hospitals to treat the victims.
There is NOT good deep down in everyone, and all crime is not caused by poverty or childhood abuse. Not all convicts are redeemable. Our prisons as they stand now are simply holding pens for the psychopaths (both guard and prisoner Ps alike) to prey on the weakest and training schools for violence.
WAKE UP America!!! But then, that makes me sound like some “right wing nut case” because i want murder to be a CRIME again and I want pedophilia to be a crime where the criminal is put in prison FOREVER because they cannot be “rehabilitated”—they keep on keeping on more than any other kind of criminals. Violent stranger rape should also be a CRIME and the person should be kept in prison FOREVER on the first conviction.
Our judicial system and our family and civil law courts are freaking JOKES. Psychopaths walk out with unsuprvised visits with their children and then kill them, after the courts have been warned but won’t listen!
The cops go to the house where that girl was held on a complaint of people lving in tents in the back yard and DON’T GO INTO THE BACK YARD!!!
Okay, I’m off my rant now, and will not get my blood pressure up over this one again—it doesn’t do me any ygood and it sure doesn’t change the system. Peace! and my prayers for all the victims of these creatures.
First things first. The cops, jail wardens and parole officers should be profiled first, before they are allowed to take on those jobs. Are these people applying for these jobs or are they sociopaths?
Case in point my BIL the cop/sociopath.
My whole family knows he will eventually kill my sociopath sister, because he took out a million dollar life insurance policy on her before they were even married.
We were out one night and we saw a man beating his wife in the street. (not homeless people, both were well dressed, wearing suits). I told him to help her and he said, “no, I’m not getting involved.” He and my sister both carry guns so they were in no danger. I don’t carry, but at that point I moved (with my cellphone in hand) toward the couple and I was going to stop it. He was sufficiently embarrassed (I won’t say ashamed), by my showing him up, that he said, “I’ll do it.” and finally moved toward the man (also cell phone in hand). He called for officer assistance or officer down, at which point I have never seen so many squad cars converging in downtown seattle. you would’ve thought a bomb went off. The sociopath got a medal for his – ahem – heroic actions.