It has been just over six years since the man who promised to love me ”˜til death do us part (and took the ”˜til death part way too seriously) was arrested. In the intervening years, I have grown and healed and cried and slipped and stood and leaped and wrestled with truth versus fiction. I have sought to make sense of his nonsense and dropped my need to understand him as I’ve struggled to find my one true self beneath the debris of his torturous ride through my life.
And I have survived.
I have stood up tall while the sky was falling down around me. I have turned sour grapes into the heady bouquet of sunlit days of wine and roses. I have uncovered lies. Torn away the darkness and peeled back time to find my truth within me. I have been drawn by courage to face my own culpability in all that happened. I have faced my fears and asked for forgiveness. I have forgiven and been forgiven. I have asked for strength and found the truth of who I am. For in the end, truth has overcome his lies. Triumph surpassed the tragedy of his abuse.
In the years since his arrest, escape from prison, stalking and subsequent re-confinement to eventual release I have ridden the rollercoaster of my emotions, sometimes confident in my knowledge that I would be okay, sometimes terrified I would never find myself again, never know peace of mind. Yet, through it all, I have breathed gratefully into the joy of being free. Of the gift of living without his lies poisoning my mind, without his deceit blurring my vision and undermining my belief in who I am. I have embraced the truth that I deserve so much more in life than him. I deserve all of this I have today, and everything better.
It has been a journey of self-discovery. A voyage into the wonder of being me, in all my laughter, tears and fears and sorrow. It has been a journey into self-acceptance, forgiveness, humility and self-examination. And through it all, it has been a journey of love. A journey of knowing, this is my one and only life. It is up to me to make it a life worth living. A worthwhile life. A life of joy and laughter. Love and beauty. It’s up to me in how I live it up — or let it slip away. It’s up to me to be all that I am meant to be, dancing in the light of my beauty, warts and all.
It is the greatest gift of that relationship — the wonder of knowing me. Of knowing I am okay, exactly the way I am. That I have all I ever need, or want, or desire, right here within me. That I am free to love without fear, to laugh without tears, to cry and spill my heart out. To walk away or walk into open arms knowing, no matter their embrace, I will be okay. Because I am a woman of worth. A woman alive. An enlivened woman, dancing in the rain, splashing through puddles, leaping for joy at thunder crashing and lightning flashing. I am okay, however I am, whomever I’m with, because I have me, myself and I. Fearless. Uncompromising. Honest. Caring. Kind. Beauty and the beast. Yin and yang. Sunlight and sunset. Dark and light. And always loving.
In my journey from the darkness of those days where I believed his lies and abuse were all that I deserved, I have learned to accept myself, just the way I am. To let go of regret and to give into hope. To let go of anger and fall into truth. To let go of fear and surrender to love.
I have learned that the past is only a memory — and I decide its value in my life today. That what someone does to me is nothing compared to what I do with my experience. That someone else’s lies are not my truth, unless I choose to believe them. That there is beauty in this world around me. That I can trust myself to know the difference between false hope and honest possibilities. I have learned that I have courage, that I can stand up and turn up for me without fear of falling under someone else’s assertions I am too weak, or stupid, or short or tall or fat or skinny.
I have learned that I am not measured by my past, but by how I move through each moment of today. I decide if I create harmony or discord. Love or hatred. I have learned that each step I take is determined by the foundation under me — and I create that foundation with every breath, thought, word, action I take.
I have learned that I am me. Unique. Special. Magnificent. A human being of immense worth. A wondrous, luminous child of God. Filled with the greatness of my human being. Capable of falling down and courageous enough to stand back up and take another step and another and then another. My journey is not measured in the falls I take. It is built upon the hands I reach out, the steps I build towards creating my higher ground where I become my best me yet. My journey is measured in the love I give and receive.
I have learned that being me, perfectly human in all my imperfections, is the greatest gift I can give. I have learned to create value in all things in my world. My value is in everything I do. In how I treat myself and those I love and the world around me. My value is not measured against what I have. It is created in who I am in this world of wonder when I live this precious life in the rapture of now, without fear that I am not enough.
I am enough. Just the way I am.
Dear Skylar,
In that situation, coming upon a scene where one person is beathing up another, I think calling the cops (on your part) would have been safer. Even normal cops hate to get involved in “domestic” violence because the victim sometimes turns on the cops when they try to break it up. (Trauma Bonding vcitim to abuser, or a situation where two abusers are going at it) Either way it can become dangerous for the “rescuer.”
I DO CARRY but if I had come on such a scene, I think I would have called the cops from a DISTANCE because you never know when the abuser may also be armed. I also probably would have stayed until the cops arrived, again, at a distance unless the victim was gravely injured, in which case I might have tried to scare off the abuser.
I was (before I retired) on our local volunteer fire/rescue squad because we live out in the rural areas and it sometimes takes from 30-45 minutes to get professional medical or legal assistance. I was called to a scene of a shooting injury once, and since we were NOT sure what was going on, even though we knew there was an injury (maybe even a life threatening one) and the shooter was inside as well, we did NOT go in until the cops got there and went in first. That is policy for our fire/rescue as we are NOT police and actually not allowed to “carry” on the call out. OUR safety is paramount in any situation with gunfire if there is anyone there except the victim, or if there is any possibility that the shooter is any where around.
I’m sorry your BIL got a “medal” for being such a “hero.” I think you ought to stay away from this man like you would a rattle snake. I think your assessment of him is correct.
And then there is my husband (a good man) who I’ve seen jump in to save women in three instances that I can think of off the top of my head, with no thought to his personal safety. He just saw someone in need and jumped in.
He also took on a cop once, who was beating a guy over the head with his baton….apparently outraged that the guy was naked. But he was obeying everything the cop told him to do, but then the cop starting wailing on him. Even in THAT situation, my husband jumped in, and told the cop to stop and started poking the cop’s badge, saying I want your badge number!!!
I love my husband.
Oxy, posted over you. You are right about the safety issue. I was comparing my husband to the BIL, not to you!
My husband is lucky he’s never gotten hurt (or arrested in the latter case). But knowing him, there would be no stopping him. He pulled two guys out of truck over turned in a river, and helped get a guy out of a burning truck.
He has good instincts. There was one time he did NOT stop to help and I was a bit surprised. But it turned out the guy was already dead and I think some how my husband sensed that and didn’t want me to witness another trauma for nothing.
PS Oxy…for years I was on a volunteer fire dept too.. There is that excitement seeking, but also compassion and willingness to help. But I have tried now to take myself out of all situations that are full of drama and trauma. ENOUGH!!!
Dear JAH,
After my husband’s death in teh air cradft crash (I was first on the scene) I realized I did not have the emotional and physical strength any more for “trauma and drama” and I retired from actually going on runs. I did stay on the department for another two years before I officially retired, but except for attending meetings I did not make runs.
I have made a concerted effort to DECREASE trauma and drama and stress in my life since July 04 when my husband was killed, that is one reason I retired from nuring as nursing is a CONSTANT trauma and drama, short handed, split second decisions, and continual frustrations of dealing with families, physicians and patients. I did not have the emotional reserves to continue a HIGHLY STRESSFUL life. It is actually a good thing I did retire from the FD and retire from Nursing, as when the psychopaths attacked us enmasse, I had healed some from the original trauma caused by my husband’s and my stepfather’s deaths, and recovered a bit. As it was, I was ‘crazy as a bessie bug” so I don’t think if I had been trying to work AND volunteer for FD i would have had enough sense to have survived at all.
The ACCUMULATED STRESSES in our lives build up into a huge mass and when we have been forced for a while (by life) to survive a huge stress (or a series of small ones) that we must recover by DE-stressing our lives so that our bodies and minds can recover. By looking at the stressors in our lives and elimuinating those that we CAN eliminate, we can allow ourselves to heal more naturally. If we continue to live in UN-necessary high stress, we will not, cannot, heal as we would want to.
Oxy, there is no doubt that I’m NC on both my sis and BIL.
When they came over to my parents’ home and asked, in a smirking way, why I leave the room whenever they come over, my dad said, “I don’t know, maybe you know better than I do.” the BIL got up and ran away. He has never come back, but my sis comes over every day. My parents won’t kick her out even though they know what she is, because they also know that her husband will eventually try to kill her and they don’t want to alienate her. I refuse to see her, but when I did run into her one time, she pasted this bizarre phony smile on her face and like a stalker, she kept repeating, “You’re going to HAVE to talk to me, SOON!”
The BIL is a trojan horse from my ex-P. He doesn’t think I know. but that’s what made him run away when my dad said that. My parents know.
My whole family is sick.
Dear Skylar,
I can relate to that for sure. (MY whole family is sick) and am fortunate that 2 of my 3 sons are “normal” though they have also been victims of Ps. they are NOT now victim material, and neither am I.
Not that I could NEVER be fooled again, I won’t be so arrogant to believe that there is not one in the world that could pull the wool over my eyes, but they would have to be pretty dog-gone good to do it. I have spotted several recently and one in particular who was masquerading as a “victim.”
I have also weeded out several who were in my “friends” cataghory and stay NC with them as well.
I am starting to date again, but very cautiously. I had a couple of dates last week with a guy I hve just met, but he seems very caring and nice, but will NOT let him or anyone else into my circle of trust until I SEE how they ACT over a fairly long period of time and in many different situations.
Trust now with me is EARNED not given away.
Hey all. I think I dserve an atta girl. Life is so ironic. I’ve only been posting here for a couple of weeks, but some really interesting things are taking place. The night before last I dreamed about my XP. Not a terrably interesting dream, it was basically me just telling him that I intended to stay NC. Last night I dreamed I was young and in love. IRL I don’t know the guy, and I hardly ever think about what it’s like to be in love. But in this dream the guy was sooooo into me, until I started to go to him, to initiate contact etc. Atthe end of the dream I was so in love with him, that I couldn’t hardly keep my hands off of him and kept kind of leaning into him. I felt him start to back away, and I said,”okay. I”ll quit leaning on you. Wow. What insight. But this morning after two years of no contact I saw my XP. At first I thought it was him, but I said”no, couldn’t be.” I drove over where he was because curiosity got the best of me, and yep. Sure was. Well anyway, I pulled my dark glasses down and beat a hasty retreat. As much as I’ve gotten smarter in not trusting him, I don’t really trust myself in this situation, either. You folks keep me sane. Thanks. KF
DEAR KIM,
ATTA GIRL!!! Keep as far asway from him as possible.
Yea, dreams help us work out while we sleep what we don’t always think about when we are awake. Or they show us our fears or problems. I used to dream about helping out helpless animals while my own life fell apart—can we say “enabling” and doing things for others at the expense of myself.
Well, since I figured out what those dreams were telling me about myself, I haven’t had oen of those dreams again.
Or “frustration” dreams where nothing you do ever works out, well, since I quit stressing myself so badly haven’t had any of those either. so sometimes the dreams tell us about what we are doing to ourselves.
My step dad was a very wise man, and sometimes he had come into my dreams and given me advice—the advice he would have given me if he were alive. I KNOW in my heart what he would tell me to do in a situation, so he IS there with nme still giving me advice. I dont’ have to wait for a dream, I can just sit quietly and say “What would daddy say about this, what would he advise me to do?” then I can easily figure it out. I was fortunate to have had him in my life, and he is STILL there for me when I sit quietly and listen. Nothing supernatural about it, just comforting though.
Hi Oxy
Just wanted to say: how awesome you are dating again! So happy!
And your ‘ trust is earned not given away’ is something I need to learn. I give it away like it was free candy. Still am. I guess Im still desperate for someone to come real close and have a ‘soul connection’ with. Havent figured out yet how to fix it. But I need to remember that sentence!!! Mantra!