It has been just over six years since the man who promised to love me ”˜til death do us part (and took the ”˜til death part way too seriously) was arrested. In the intervening years, I have grown and healed and cried and slipped and stood and leaped and wrestled with truth versus fiction. I have sought to make sense of his nonsense and dropped my need to understand him as I’ve struggled to find my one true self beneath the debris of his torturous ride through my life.
And I have survived.
I have stood up tall while the sky was falling down around me. I have turned sour grapes into the heady bouquet of sunlit days of wine and roses. I have uncovered lies. Torn away the darkness and peeled back time to find my truth within me. I have been drawn by courage to face my own culpability in all that happened. I have faced my fears and asked for forgiveness. I have forgiven and been forgiven. I have asked for strength and found the truth of who I am. For in the end, truth has overcome his lies. Triumph surpassed the tragedy of his abuse.
In the years since his arrest, escape from prison, stalking and subsequent re-confinement to eventual release I have ridden the rollercoaster of my emotions, sometimes confident in my knowledge that I would be okay, sometimes terrified I would never find myself again, never know peace of mind. Yet, through it all, I have breathed gratefully into the joy of being free. Of the gift of living without his lies poisoning my mind, without his deceit blurring my vision and undermining my belief in who I am. I have embraced the truth that I deserve so much more in life than him. I deserve all of this I have today, and everything better.
It has been a journey of self-discovery. A voyage into the wonder of being me, in all my laughter, tears and fears and sorrow. It has been a journey into self-acceptance, forgiveness, humility and self-examination. And through it all, it has been a journey of love. A journey of knowing, this is my one and only life. It is up to me to make it a life worth living. A worthwhile life. A life of joy and laughter. Love and beauty. It’s up to me in how I live it up — or let it slip away. It’s up to me to be all that I am meant to be, dancing in the light of my beauty, warts and all.
It is the greatest gift of that relationship — the wonder of knowing me. Of knowing I am okay, exactly the way I am. That I have all I ever need, or want, or desire, right here within me. That I am free to love without fear, to laugh without tears, to cry and spill my heart out. To walk away or walk into open arms knowing, no matter their embrace, I will be okay. Because I am a woman of worth. A woman alive. An enlivened woman, dancing in the rain, splashing through puddles, leaping for joy at thunder crashing and lightning flashing. I am okay, however I am, whomever I’m with, because I have me, myself and I. Fearless. Uncompromising. Honest. Caring. Kind. Beauty and the beast. Yin and yang. Sunlight and sunset. Dark and light. And always loving.
In my journey from the darkness of those days where I believed his lies and abuse were all that I deserved, I have learned to accept myself, just the way I am. To let go of regret and to give into hope. To let go of anger and fall into truth. To let go of fear and surrender to love.
I have learned that the past is only a memory — and I decide its value in my life today. That what someone does to me is nothing compared to what I do with my experience. That someone else’s lies are not my truth, unless I choose to believe them. That there is beauty in this world around me. That I can trust myself to know the difference between false hope and honest possibilities. I have learned that I have courage, that I can stand up and turn up for me without fear of falling under someone else’s assertions I am too weak, or stupid, or short or tall or fat or skinny.
I have learned that I am not measured by my past, but by how I move through each moment of today. I decide if I create harmony or discord. Love or hatred. I have learned that each step I take is determined by the foundation under me — and I create that foundation with every breath, thought, word, action I take.
I have learned that I am me. Unique. Special. Magnificent. A human being of immense worth. A wondrous, luminous child of God. Filled with the greatness of my human being. Capable of falling down and courageous enough to stand back up and take another step and another and then another. My journey is not measured in the falls I take. It is built upon the hands I reach out, the steps I build towards creating my higher ground where I become my best me yet. My journey is measured in the love I give and receive.
I have learned that being me, perfectly human in all my imperfections, is the greatest gift I can give. I have learned to create value in all things in my world. My value is in everything I do. In how I treat myself and those I love and the world around me. My value is not measured against what I have. It is created in who I am in this world of wonder when I live this precious life in the rapture of now, without fear that I am not enough.
I am enough. Just the way I am.
CandyHarlau:
I know you probably don’t see it at the present moment, but YOU are the lucky one in all of this. YOU have the clean slate, and YOU are the one with so many choices.
You just need a little time to heal from your ordeal, and you will begin to see all of the possibilities that are before you.
It sounds like your pain is fresh, and it is perfectly natural to have a “pity party for one”, as far as I am concerned. I have had many pity parties for myself (eating Chinese food in bed followed by Godiva chocolates) watching movies all day long.
I know it sounds corny and cliche’, but TIME really does heal. Things will get better in time.
I know the place you are in right now, and I know it is not easy. But, just know that this will pass (you even said it yourself in your above post), and things will get better.
Start focusing on yourself and what YOU want, and less on him and what he is doing. He is always going to put his best image out there for the world to see. He’s a fake. That’s what con-artists do. It’s a sad, pathetic life, though. That’s what you are missing out on…..a sad, pathetic, “performance”-type of life with this loser.
Thank God!! You got out and are moving on. This is truly a blessing.
thank you, Rosa.
i know it will pass. it has been only two months of 99% no contact. my subconscious is also wondering what will happen once the DV injunction comes off 911. i pray he will just leave me alone. i’m so worn out from drama.
i also think that i’m frustrated because i have met a few men in the past few weeks…platonic only (and i intend to keep men at a distance for some time)…they have just aggravated the crap out of me…inconsiderate, talk about themselves or their jobs too much, have no money, incessantly talking, etc.
all i want to do is hibernate…crawl into my turtle shell and peer out from time to time to see what storm is rolling by.
i’m also finding myself frustrated and a little bit argumentative. i think i’m just tired of so many people’s b.s.
i can’t control anyone’s behavior, i can only control mine. need to get me back in check. any thoughts on how to tolerate things/people better? hugs
Dear Candy,
I second Rosa’s wonderfully worded post above to you! You ARE the lucky one….you are NOT a psychopath. He is, so who has the best of the bargain? YOU of course. You can love, he can’t.
The pity party for one is something I think we all do, and I did, and did and did and did, but eventually it gets boring and we start to focus on doing something else.
I have also realized that being ONE can be and should be a WHOLE. One is a WHOLE NUMBER not just a fraction of two.
I actually had my first date in nearly 4 years this past week, and rather than being all nervous about “what if he doesn’t like me?” or “what should I wear?” etc. my attitude was “I am myself and if he doesn’t like me like I am, tough patootie.”
I really wasn’t even nervous or anxious at all, because you know, it doesn’t matter a hoot to me if he doesn’t like me like I am. I AM HAPPY AND CONTENT BY MYSELF. I can go where I please, go to bed when I want to, get up when i want to, stay where and when I want to, because I don’t “answer” to anyone else. so singleness has some advantages too. It would maybe be nice to have someone who really truly loved me, and if that comes along fine! If not fine, because the person who loves me MOST is ME…I don’t have to worry about becoming something else or acting different than is MYSELF in order to “impress” someone else. I can just BE MYSELF and if he likes me like that, OK. If not, OK.
Your X may appear to be “happy” etc, but he is NOT, like all Ps, he is “on displ;ay” constantly trying to figure out how to appear, what face to wear and what to say—remember your first date, or first prom, and you were trying to figure out how to behave, appear, etc. how NERVOUS you were, so nervous you didn’t really enjoy the event? Actually, I wonder if the Ps are so intent on their presentations that they actually don’t enjoy anything. We know they can’t love or really care, so how would you like to be that DEAD INSIDE?
Just be yourself, LOVE YOURSELF, and be your own best friend, and I think you will find that you are happy with our without a “date” or “lover” because you have the BEST company in the world—YOUR OWN SPECIAL COMPANY! (((hugs)))) and all my prayers
candy,
i think it’s fine to crawl inside a shell for a while and peer out, as long as you’re also taking care of yourself. i did that for almost 10 months; went to work, came home, went to bed. it’s hard for us to wrap our brains around all we’ve been through — it seems, in retrospect, more than first thought. there’s emotional, psychological, sometimes physical, and certainly spiritual trauma that we need to heal. i’m at a year NC and still find any significant contact with men irritating. i’m not saying it’s that way for everyone, just that i think it’s a normal reaction. we got bullied around pretty good, and faith and trust are gone. but it gets better. my ex-spath-hole actually left me a message two days ago, and i just laughed. after 20+ years, he’s OUT from under my skin, and i see him for what he is — an infantile, raging loser, user, liar and abuser.
it really does get better. trust your instincts for self-preservation. and be really good to yourself!
and remember, any time you have a victory … no matter how small … even if it’s that you took special care to blow dry your hair just right … go to the window and yell:
TOWANDA!!! : )
thank you for being here for me. …right now I’m the one feeling a little dead inside …maybe it’s because i’m growing. Mr P and my abusive past filled up a good part of my being. now that that ‘cancer’ has been removed, i’m having to look inward, and onward at 50 yo…it’s a place i’ve never been to before. i know i need to nurture me. i believe/know it’s a very good thing, but with a blank screen, i’m a bit scared. at times it feels like so much work. i know i’m frustrated/anxious/fearful/irritated because my blood pressure is showing me this. time to calm down. i need a vacation…to be able to get away from the same day to day routine, and clear the air. again, thank you for being here for me.
candy,
i’m 51, and having to do all this while starting a whole new career and recovering from bankruptcy. my blood pressure is also at near-medication levels and i gained 50 lbs or so since i threw that sicko out. but just think. we are free. we can heal. we have plenty of years left to find another path and enjoy it.
you are free. love yourself in this moment, and in that uncertain place in which you now stand.
you are free.
Lostingrief – He left a message two days ago and you just laughed? Hip Hip Hooray!!!!!!! I am so inspired for you…that is a double Towanda..
Oxy! [and all] Need some advice, PLEASE! [Just could now get on here….had network/browser probs all weekend and might bling out again at any time so am getting this out]
After keeping a low profile with my younger daughter I am suffering missing my little granddaughter. My daughter is ‘punishing’ me by keeping my little gd from me. Well, last night late I was coming back from a small jaunt out of town and low and behold there she was just several miles from my house pulling out of Walgreen’s parking lot. She was pulling her jet ski which means she had been up to my X husband’s [her dad] yacht for the weekend. [it was his birthday bash]. She ignored me at first and then saw I was with a friend so she pulled over. She was cool and the baby immediately wanted me. My daughter said she was tired and going to my xhub’s mom’s hous[close to my home ]. The baby was screaming for me and I got her from the car seat for a few minutes and my daughter forced me to return her to the seat with her screaming and crying for me. It was just a terrible scene. I was broken hearted and so was my gd. My daughter said we were drama queens and she could not handle this….so she forced the baby to stay in her seat and me to leave. She drove off with the baby screaming for me. I was left to fall apart in my car which I did. I was so upset. She said she would call me today so I could see the baby, but she stiffed me. That baby loves me and I love her. I am just blown into pieces over this. I am worried to death about my gd and I do not know how to see her w/o allowing my daughter to absolutely abuse me. I really need help on this issue. I have it together regarding my x hub but not this………………..I am just broken over this.
Bless You. Bless Us!!! We are FREE.
We are strong! solid! secure!
We are happy! healthy! whole!
Sometimes i think of a big tree. My strength is the trunk, and i am just learning to branch out. I go out to the back yard, stand like a tree, firm and tall…i open up my arms…take in all that is around me…feel and say words of gratitude…i am the tree of life. my life.
When I use ‘Towanda,’ I will think of you.
You are an inspiration.
TWICE:
It is apparant it is a control issue for her…..
At first thought I am thinking you need to pull on your inner sociopath in order to see GD. What I mean is, play HER game…….play nice, boof her ego up……(Oh, what a wonderful mother she is), yada yada. You have to be stealth in this and consistant, or she will yank gd right back…..if you can succeed at this portrayal for her…..you can continue to bond with gd and one day the Daughter will have no control and it will backfire on daughter.
It’ s sick when people use others for ill means……Do not connect with her on YOUR personal level, do not let her Into YOUR life….stay in hers……this will be the hard part. Keep it all about HER and GD.
Do not discuss your ex or anything with her, if she persues…..make it a simple positive thing….BUT BELIEVABLE.
I think you gotta play the game to see your GD.
Good luck.
XXOO