It has been just over six years since the man who promised to love me ”˜til death do us part (and took the ”˜til death part way too seriously) was arrested. In the intervening years, I have grown and healed and cried and slipped and stood and leaped and wrestled with truth versus fiction. I have sought to make sense of his nonsense and dropped my need to understand him as I’ve struggled to find my one true self beneath the debris of his torturous ride through my life.
And I have survived.
I have stood up tall while the sky was falling down around me. I have turned sour grapes into the heady bouquet of sunlit days of wine and roses. I have uncovered lies. Torn away the darkness and peeled back time to find my truth within me. I have been drawn by courage to face my own culpability in all that happened. I have faced my fears and asked for forgiveness. I have forgiven and been forgiven. I have asked for strength and found the truth of who I am. For in the end, truth has overcome his lies. Triumph surpassed the tragedy of his abuse.
In the years since his arrest, escape from prison, stalking and subsequent re-confinement to eventual release I have ridden the rollercoaster of my emotions, sometimes confident in my knowledge that I would be okay, sometimes terrified I would never find myself again, never know peace of mind. Yet, through it all, I have breathed gratefully into the joy of being free. Of the gift of living without his lies poisoning my mind, without his deceit blurring my vision and undermining my belief in who I am. I have embraced the truth that I deserve so much more in life than him. I deserve all of this I have today, and everything better.
It has been a journey of self-discovery. A voyage into the wonder of being me, in all my laughter, tears and fears and sorrow. It has been a journey into self-acceptance, forgiveness, humility and self-examination. And through it all, it has been a journey of love. A journey of knowing, this is my one and only life. It is up to me to make it a life worth living. A worthwhile life. A life of joy and laughter. Love and beauty. It’s up to me in how I live it up — or let it slip away. It’s up to me to be all that I am meant to be, dancing in the light of my beauty, warts and all.
It is the greatest gift of that relationship — the wonder of knowing me. Of knowing I am okay, exactly the way I am. That I have all I ever need, or want, or desire, right here within me. That I am free to love without fear, to laugh without tears, to cry and spill my heart out. To walk away or walk into open arms knowing, no matter their embrace, I will be okay. Because I am a woman of worth. A woman alive. An enlivened woman, dancing in the rain, splashing through puddles, leaping for joy at thunder crashing and lightning flashing. I am okay, however I am, whomever I’m with, because I have me, myself and I. Fearless. Uncompromising. Honest. Caring. Kind. Beauty and the beast. Yin and yang. Sunlight and sunset. Dark and light. And always loving.
In my journey from the darkness of those days where I believed his lies and abuse were all that I deserved, I have learned to accept myself, just the way I am. To let go of regret and to give into hope. To let go of anger and fall into truth. To let go of fear and surrender to love.
I have learned that the past is only a memory — and I decide its value in my life today. That what someone does to me is nothing compared to what I do with my experience. That someone else’s lies are not my truth, unless I choose to believe them. That there is beauty in this world around me. That I can trust myself to know the difference between false hope and honest possibilities. I have learned that I have courage, that I can stand up and turn up for me without fear of falling under someone else’s assertions I am too weak, or stupid, or short or tall or fat or skinny.
I have learned that I am not measured by my past, but by how I move through each moment of today. I decide if I create harmony or discord. Love or hatred. I have learned that each step I take is determined by the foundation under me — and I create that foundation with every breath, thought, word, action I take.
I have learned that I am me. Unique. Special. Magnificent. A human being of immense worth. A wondrous, luminous child of God. Filled with the greatness of my human being. Capable of falling down and courageous enough to stand back up and take another step and another and then another. My journey is not measured in the falls I take. It is built upon the hands I reach out, the steps I build towards creating my higher ground where I become my best me yet. My journey is measured in the love I give and receive.
I have learned that being me, perfectly human in all my imperfections, is the greatest gift I can give. I have learned to create value in all things in my world. My value is in everything I do. In how I treat myself and those I love and the world around me. My value is not measured against what I have. It is created in who I am in this world of wonder when I live this precious life in the rapture of now, without fear that I am not enough.
I am enough. Just the way I am.
Twiced Betrayed – Walk awayfrom this. You wanting to see your gd is normal, but with your daughter in the mix it will always be traumatic. I have grandchildren so I understand your pain. But for the child sake just let it go. Take the high road and just cherish the times you get to see her without all the drama.
twice betrayed, I can’t remember your situation with your daughter. Can you remind me?
candy,
I’m with you at your pity party everyday in spirit. So at least you know that it isn’t a pity party for 1, it’s for both of us.
ErinBrockovich:
Thank you so much for your love and care! 🙂
Sadly, I’ve tried this and it does not work. My daughter will not tolerate this either. She cuts me off when I try this route. I mean I have to be an absolute slave, give all my money, take all the games and abuse and she STILL snatches my gd back from me. One thing she confessed when the baby was born was: she would never allow my gd to become too close to me for she was afraid she would love me more than her. Oh my aching heart……….the reach these P’s have goes on generation after generation……..
Henry……thank you so much! Sadly, there are NO times when I get to see my gd w/o drama. My daughter pushes the day till we are exhausted and she ALWAYS creates a ‘drama’ scene and then blames it on us. Always! Or she will bring someone along to pit me against with the baby….something all the time!! NEVER do I get to be with my gd without a scene. My daugher has a cruel game going nonstop. My x’s whole family does this. I mean it’s like they all share the same script….and I guess genetically they do……….
Twice My heart goes out too you, but you are allowing her to manipulate you with the granddaughter. She holds the gd out like a carrot..Dont do this, the gd will be ok if you just walk away. I dont know your story, so sorry if I am blunt.
Shylar:
I have two children by my first XP hub and I have cut ties with them ….they are PN’s with no love or care for me. The daughter in this marriage turned out to be having a secret affair with my second hub all thru out my marriage [he is the father of this younger daughter with my gd].
This younger daughter has the gd and she is a PN too. Lawd, they are all screwed up. All very intelligent and in high paying jobs….but all mean as hell and twice as mean to me. I really do not need any of them in my life but I love/worry about my gd. Does this read like some soap opera or what????? I mean, this is all so bizarre! I look at this and just shake my head….how in the world did I get sucked into this twilight zone………..
twice:( what a horrible situation. I am inclined, however to agree with Henry:( I’d make a bet that No matter WHAT you do to accommodate your daughter (bending yourself into a pretzle) she will always USE your GD as a tool to control you or make you feel bad. You being in the mix will enable her to USE your grandaughter, and use you. I too think you should step away.
I know its not easy. I recently had to ‘step away’ from my own daughter because my mother (who is a narc) decided to play her off against me/ buy her… it was excruciatingly painful, but being in the whirlwind she created for us as a family unit by trying to fight it was getting me nowhere fast and keeping everyone engaged in the ‘game’.
I ‘stepped away’, my mother has lost interest in my daughter now there is no ‘sport’ to be had, and my daughter has contacted me, tentitively, to try and sort things out… stay tuned;)
You will ALWAYS be there for your precious grand daughter (as i will be for my beautiful daughter) but you should NOT allow or enable her and yourself to be used as players in your daughter’s ‘monsterpiece theatre’.
Strong like water!!xxxxxxxx
just my opinion and experience btw;) I know none of this is easy. They know just how to hit you where it hurts the most:(xx Much love
Twice:
You are in a no win situation.
I would back away completely. Daughter will never allow you to have a relationship. Your GD is th pawn….the strings to make you ‘dance’ for your D.
Just go NC.
The heartbreak will fade as time passes, it will never go away, but it’s not a healthy situation for you or GD.
I agree with Henry…..yep it’s harsh, but I think you know this is the reality.
Hold your memories with GD close……
XXOO
blueskies……….I hear you!
I hope things work out for you and your daughter! See, if I were in that situation as soon as I resumed the relationship with my daughter….then my mother would become interested again and the ‘dance’ would begin again….over and over…..like it does now regarding my daughter. My daughter would just find another ‘pawn’ to bounce off me.
I sat down in my car last night and just sobbed. I told my friend….I think for my gd’s best interest I need to walk out of her life…..because I am enabling my daughter to torture my gd over this. And from what you all say…..I should do this. Oh boy………..pain…
Hugs to all and love! Thanks everyone….I really do thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a Godsend you all are! I am so thankful for this blog and friends like you all who understand. SO much help and understanding……..!
Dear Twice,
I am afraid Erin is right. Ypur daughtyer has absolute control and she will USE YOUR GD to punish you and not care what it does to your GD….as bad as it is, it is NOT going to get better and at least for NOW–TODAY, you (for your sake and for the GD’s) WALK away. It may not be forever, or it may be forever. But that is in God;’s hands and anot yours.
ACCEPTING things we cannot control is difficult. Especially when it involves someoen we love and someone who is INNOCENT, like your GD.
You know your daughter is NEVER GOING TO CHANGE. She will always be this way. I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be for you to see this happening and NOT BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
I think though it will be better if you walk away—send cards, call your GD if you can, tell her you love her. Send her gift CHECKS so that you can keep a record of how much you sent her (because I am sure your daughter will say you never sent anything, but at least when your GD is older and contacts you, and SHE WILL I AM BETTING, you can prove you did, and your daughter is greedy enough to cash them and never tell your GD she did.
My bio-father-sperm donor poisoned my half sibs (the only sibs I have) from me, and for many years this broke my heart. They still do not contact me or have contact, but I have come to acceptence of this.
Of course you worry about the child, heck, I worry about any child who has a P for a mother or father, but this is out of your ahnds. PRAY, PRAY AND PARY SOME MORE, but at this time, walk away. Your daughter is enjoying this at your GD’s expense, she does NOT care what the child wants, or what is ehalthy, she only wants to HURT YOU, and if it hurts the child, tough chit!
You can’t control your daughter’s behavior and it will not get better. (((hugs))))Keep on praying!!!!