It has been just over six years since the man who promised to love me ”˜til death do us part (and took the ”˜til death part way too seriously) was arrested. In the intervening years, I have grown and healed and cried and slipped and stood and leaped and wrestled with truth versus fiction. I have sought to make sense of his nonsense and dropped my need to understand him as I’ve struggled to find my one true self beneath the debris of his torturous ride through my life.
And I have survived.
I have stood up tall while the sky was falling down around me. I have turned sour grapes into the heady bouquet of sunlit days of wine and roses. I have uncovered lies. Torn away the darkness and peeled back time to find my truth within me. I have been drawn by courage to face my own culpability in all that happened. I have faced my fears and asked for forgiveness. I have forgiven and been forgiven. I have asked for strength and found the truth of who I am. For in the end, truth has overcome his lies. Triumph surpassed the tragedy of his abuse.
In the years since his arrest, escape from prison, stalking and subsequent re-confinement to eventual release I have ridden the rollercoaster of my emotions, sometimes confident in my knowledge that I would be okay, sometimes terrified I would never find myself again, never know peace of mind. Yet, through it all, I have breathed gratefully into the joy of being free. Of the gift of living without his lies poisoning my mind, without his deceit blurring my vision and undermining my belief in who I am. I have embraced the truth that I deserve so much more in life than him. I deserve all of this I have today, and everything better.
It has been a journey of self-discovery. A voyage into the wonder of being me, in all my laughter, tears and fears and sorrow. It has been a journey into self-acceptance, forgiveness, humility and self-examination. And through it all, it has been a journey of love. A journey of knowing, this is my one and only life. It is up to me to make it a life worth living. A worthwhile life. A life of joy and laughter. Love and beauty. It’s up to me in how I live it up — or let it slip away. It’s up to me to be all that I am meant to be, dancing in the light of my beauty, warts and all.
It is the greatest gift of that relationship — the wonder of knowing me. Of knowing I am okay, exactly the way I am. That I have all I ever need, or want, or desire, right here within me. That I am free to love without fear, to laugh without tears, to cry and spill my heart out. To walk away or walk into open arms knowing, no matter their embrace, I will be okay. Because I am a woman of worth. A woman alive. An enlivened woman, dancing in the rain, splashing through puddles, leaping for joy at thunder crashing and lightning flashing. I am okay, however I am, whomever I’m with, because I have me, myself and I. Fearless. Uncompromising. Honest. Caring. Kind. Beauty and the beast. Yin and yang. Sunlight and sunset. Dark and light. And always loving.
In my journey from the darkness of those days where I believed his lies and abuse were all that I deserved, I have learned to accept myself, just the way I am. To let go of regret and to give into hope. To let go of anger and fall into truth. To let go of fear and surrender to love.
I have learned that the past is only a memory — and I decide its value in my life today. That what someone does to me is nothing compared to what I do with my experience. That someone else’s lies are not my truth, unless I choose to believe them. That there is beauty in this world around me. That I can trust myself to know the difference between false hope and honest possibilities. I have learned that I have courage, that I can stand up and turn up for me without fear of falling under someone else’s assertions I am too weak, or stupid, or short or tall or fat or skinny.
I have learned that I am not measured by my past, but by how I move through each moment of today. I decide if I create harmony or discord. Love or hatred. I have learned that each step I take is determined by the foundation under me — and I create that foundation with every breath, thought, word, action I take.
I have learned that I am me. Unique. Special. Magnificent. A human being of immense worth. A wondrous, luminous child of God. Filled with the greatness of my human being. Capable of falling down and courageous enough to stand back up and take another step and another and then another. My journey is not measured in the falls I take. It is built upon the hands I reach out, the steps I build towards creating my higher ground where I become my best me yet. My journey is measured in the love I give and receive.
I have learned that being me, perfectly human in all my imperfections, is the greatest gift I can give. I have learned to create value in all things in my world. My value is in everything I do. In how I treat myself and those I love and the world around me. My value is not measured against what I have. It is created in who I am in this world of wonder when I live this precious life in the rapture of now, without fear that I am not enough.
I am enough. Just the way I am.
ErinBrockovich:
Yes, my friend…you are correct. I will do so. I will miss her……..I love her so…………*heart breaking……………
Thanks so much!
Henry: you are not too blunt. You are honest. I appreciate it! We are dealing with hard situations here and I like the bottom line Thank you!!!!! I do pray you are right….that my gd will be ok!!!!
twice,
i’m sorry to hear this….my heart aches for you. i too believe that you must walk away at this time. your gd is being used as a pawn in this game. the cycle continues. just when you think things are ok, or getting better….watch out. (that is one thing i’ve learned…usually something is up or that’s when you get another omg). no one wins in this game. my wish for you is that you heal; and hope that one day your gd will see things for what they really are. she’ll come to you. think positive thoughts, and surround her with hope and light.
Oxy: Thank you for your advice! I do agree with you and all of you. I will walk away. I have been praying and I do believe God will/can keep her in His hand. I love you all! The hard part will be: when I do not respond my daughter will call me and send me pictures of my gd and then have the baby leave me a voice mail…………..ho boy………………start the P wooing again…only with my beloved gd. And the games go on……………….
No wonder these people pop pills and drink…If I was this restless to do evil….I guess I would never rest either.
Twice:)xx I hear you too! I am fully aware that as soon as there is any reconciliation between myself and my daughter, mother will once again be trying it on… I am not sure how to do this yet without , as you say, getting dragged back into the ‘dance’… my daughter is not yet back in my life, but we have corresponded… any thoughts or suggestions gratefully recieved LF-ers:)xxx Its SO easy to comment on OTHER people’s situations, while having NO IDEA how to handle your own!:-S xxxxxxx
I am still inclined to keep my distance from my D … isnt that terrible… its not her fault… she is being manipulated… but while she still is… I put us all including my son, in the line of fire(or the line of crazy drama world!)I dont know … its very hard:( x
My daughter is now beginning…………the wooing starts….calling now and leaving voice mails. No way out for me guys…..pick out my headstone. I just thought I was free, I guess……….boy, I have a splitting headache and I cannot eat. No way for my x to get to me…but he always has my daughter to do it for him even at the expense of my gd. [I did not answer phone but I think her next move is to come to my house with my gd.
She has called five times now………..she will show up I promise you….
Dear Twice,
Oh, yes, she will Dangle the “CArrot” in front of your nose if she thinks it will renew your “playing her game” and that is ALL it is to her, a GAME to SEE MOM CRY, SEE BABY CRY, SEE ME LAUGH UP MY SLEEVE.
I wish I could tell you the best way to set the boundary so that your GD doesn’t get the idea (I’m sure her mom will tell her) that you hate her or don’t care. And I am not sure how I would even think of approaching it but maybe you could say something to your daugher like:
“Jane, I know that you and I don’t see eye to eye on much, but I would like to be in Suzie’s life, however, the way things are I think is as bad for Suzie as it is for me. I would like to have a set day or time, like a “visitation” when I can have suzie for a few hours, day, overnight *(etc.) but if this is not possible, then I think it might be better if you and your family just go your own way and I will go mine. I will of course, send Suzie birthday and Christmas cards, etc. and gifts, but I think it is too hard on her at this age to be torn crying out of my arms, and it sure is difficult for me, so let’s make other arrangements so i can spend quality time with her (at your convenience of cvourse) but I don’t want to make her cry any more.”
I doubt that your daughter would go along with this, but at the same time, who knows, she might. If youa re financially able you might actually BUY time with your GD by giving money to your Daughter and if she witholds the child, withold the money.
Otherwise, change your phone number or block her calls. Lock the door, and block her emails, and keep on praying and praying and praying. Keep in mind, God’s time is not our time! (((hugs))))
NO! do not be honest with a P! LIE, LIE, LIE!
Take Erin’s advice “pull on your inner sociopath”.
Lying is the only way to survive, with them and BE BORING.
They feed off emotions. So, in your most dead pan, unemotional face, tell her that you are taking anti-depressants. P’s hate this because it takes the edge off your emotions. Or tell her you’ve begun meditating. She will search your face for changes in your reactions. Channel a big gray rock. That is who you are: boring/bland. Tell her whatever you need to explain this new change in you. Show little interest in the baby when she is around. Smile blandly.
Now she will work to get reactions out of you. Confuse her the way the P’s confuse us, by reacting unexpectedly. If she never knows what reaction to expect, she cannot toy with you. Be like a Zen Buddist master – totally calm and unflappable. And stop expecting her to be human because she isn’t. If she wants to bring the baby over, say “that’s fine”, if she threatens to take the baby away, say, “that’s fine”. Don’t react to the baby’s cries around her either. It will be hard, but you will get better at it. This will buy you time to find new ways of getting what you want without being thrown off course by the drama.
Moved my car around back on the house to keep her from seeing it from outside the gate. Long drive way with locked gate. Hope she does not climb the gate and walk the drive with some big drama story of how she thought I sick/injured in here….* anything to win, you know. She was such a sweet little girl.
Thanks, Oxy…..Priceless advice. I am using it.
Skylar: I know you are correct. I am just not able to listen to the baby be upset w/o reacting….can’t do it. I have tried.