It has been just over six years since the man who promised to love me ”˜til death do us part (and took the ”˜til death part way too seriously) was arrested. In the intervening years, I have grown and healed and cried and slipped and stood and leaped and wrestled with truth versus fiction. I have sought to make sense of his nonsense and dropped my need to understand him as I’ve struggled to find my one true self beneath the debris of his torturous ride through my life.
And I have survived.
I have stood up tall while the sky was falling down around me. I have turned sour grapes into the heady bouquet of sunlit days of wine and roses. I have uncovered lies. Torn away the darkness and peeled back time to find my truth within me. I have been drawn by courage to face my own culpability in all that happened. I have faced my fears and asked for forgiveness. I have forgiven and been forgiven. I have asked for strength and found the truth of who I am. For in the end, truth has overcome his lies. Triumph surpassed the tragedy of his abuse.
In the years since his arrest, escape from prison, stalking and subsequent re-confinement to eventual release I have ridden the rollercoaster of my emotions, sometimes confident in my knowledge that I would be okay, sometimes terrified I would never find myself again, never know peace of mind. Yet, through it all, I have breathed gratefully into the joy of being free. Of the gift of living without his lies poisoning my mind, without his deceit blurring my vision and undermining my belief in who I am. I have embraced the truth that I deserve so much more in life than him. I deserve all of this I have today, and everything better.
It has been a journey of self-discovery. A voyage into the wonder of being me, in all my laughter, tears and fears and sorrow. It has been a journey into self-acceptance, forgiveness, humility and self-examination. And through it all, it has been a journey of love. A journey of knowing, this is my one and only life. It is up to me to make it a life worth living. A worthwhile life. A life of joy and laughter. Love and beauty. It’s up to me in how I live it up — or let it slip away. It’s up to me to be all that I am meant to be, dancing in the light of my beauty, warts and all.
It is the greatest gift of that relationship — the wonder of knowing me. Of knowing I am okay, exactly the way I am. That I have all I ever need, or want, or desire, right here within me. That I am free to love without fear, to laugh without tears, to cry and spill my heart out. To walk away or walk into open arms knowing, no matter their embrace, I will be okay. Because I am a woman of worth. A woman alive. An enlivened woman, dancing in the rain, splashing through puddles, leaping for joy at thunder crashing and lightning flashing. I am okay, however I am, whomever I’m with, because I have me, myself and I. Fearless. Uncompromising. Honest. Caring. Kind. Beauty and the beast. Yin and yang. Sunlight and sunset. Dark and light. And always loving.
In my journey from the darkness of those days where I believed his lies and abuse were all that I deserved, I have learned to accept myself, just the way I am. To let go of regret and to give into hope. To let go of anger and fall into truth. To let go of fear and surrender to love.
I have learned that the past is only a memory — and I decide its value in my life today. That what someone does to me is nothing compared to what I do with my experience. That someone else’s lies are not my truth, unless I choose to believe them. That there is beauty in this world around me. That I can trust myself to know the difference between false hope and honest possibilities. I have learned that I have courage, that I can stand up and turn up for me without fear of falling under someone else’s assertions I am too weak, or stupid, or short or tall or fat or skinny.
I have learned that I am not measured by my past, but by how I move through each moment of today. I decide if I create harmony or discord. Love or hatred. I have learned that each step I take is determined by the foundation under me — and I create that foundation with every breath, thought, word, action I take.
I have learned that I am me. Unique. Special. Magnificent. A human being of immense worth. A wondrous, luminous child of God. Filled with the greatness of my human being. Capable of falling down and courageous enough to stand back up and take another step and another and then another. My journey is not measured in the falls I take. It is built upon the hands I reach out, the steps I build towards creating my higher ground where I become my best me yet. My journey is measured in the love I give and receive.
I have learned that being me, perfectly human in all my imperfections, is the greatest gift I can give. I have learned to create value in all things in my world. My value is in everything I do. In how I treat myself and those I love and the world around me. My value is not measured against what I have. It is created in who I am in this world of wonder when I live this precious life in the rapture of now, without fear that I am not enough.
I am enough. Just the way I am.
it relates to the link posted by Erin, but in a different situation.
Skylar:
I am not sure what I think of that article….As I read it, I had several pictures in my head…..
Me trying to ‘fix’ and give room.
My mother avoiding reality.
I guess whatever it was worked for them…..We as women have moved mountains to keep our families together.
I played along for 28 years, in 2 cycles a year. At least….towards the end….those cycles went from 3 months down to monthly…..by that time I was ‘on to him’ and wasn’t going to take his crap….
I remember all the horrible, hurtful statements my husband would undermine me with….Just like I don’t love you, never did one in the article…..
The biggest undermine was when he said (as our oldest was 7), I’m only around until the kids turn 18! OH HOW THAT STUCK IN MY HEAD…..I couldn’t look past that…..he gave me a heads up with those words……No way I could ‘give him space’. No thanks not interested……BECAUSE i knew……another ‘threat’ was coming down the pike.
Now look where we landed up……DAMN GLAD I TOOK THOSE WORDS (personally) AND PREPARED!!!!!
XXOO
🙂
I know it wouldn’t work for us because, for example, my P would poison me and cut my brake lines before he ever mowed the lawn. But it does parallel the article you linked because it talks about not taking it personally when someone is trying to bait you into an emotional reaction.
She said she would give him six months and by thankgiving he was normal again. You gave yours 28 years, I gave mine 25 years. But then ours were never normal to begin with.
Still, I hope to one day have a normal relationship – I really don’t know what that would look like. But if he started to act like that, I would suspect he was a P and run.
whats a normal relationship anyhow? Normal has never been part of my life…
Yes I think the plan for most of these people is to ruin as many people along the way. And they only seem to enjoy things if they can do this or have control over us by letting them get us so worked up. I didn’t like some of the things I did, or things that I thought of doing which I felt justified in some way because of what this person did to me. Anyway I know it set her hair on fire (not literally), and probably was what led her to seeking to destroy me (even though that probably was her agenda all along). Oh well I did what I did. But some people are good at getting to us- through whatever ways sinister or not. The fact that using children is not above some is messed up. I have a link to share from the movie Cool Running. Junior Bevill was contolled by his father to the point of him being cowardly even though he was an Olympic athlete. When he looks in the mirror all he sees is Jr. whom his father makes him out to be. Yul Brenner tries to make him see Pride, Power, and a Bad Ass Mother that don’t take no crap off nobody. He does also tell him that it is not about what he (Yul Brenner) sees in the mirror- it is about what Jr. sees. So you don’t have to live in what they tell you that you are. What really matters is what you think you are.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Gqwi7Y96sk
Oh well if link doesn’t work copy and paste above in web address I suppose. I still see pride….
Henry:
That’s a loaded question. “Normal” is a relative term, and everyone’s definition will probably vary, depending on their individual circumstances.
For me, I would be happy if I could find a man who was honest, sincere, FUNNY, emotionally healthy, stable, and monogamous.
And, I would like a side order of tall, dark, handsome, sexy, and athletic to go with that.
It is late, and I am obviously getting loopy.
I am out.
Dear Twice Betrayed,How I feel for you,and relate to you!The way our daughters torture us,is beyond belief! really, they hate themselves not us, they project all that self-hatred onto us. which doesnt make it any easier for us Its like theyre not even human!My younger, NS daughter has NEVER once allowed me to see any of her 3 kids,{now13, 11, and one,}not even as tiny babies.Now I am glad of that, as I would only have been tortured as you as now being.,by her with holding your granddaughter from you.As hard as it is, I have to agree with Henry-NC is the only way you will ever win out.At least then you will know that your D can no longer hurt your GD by using her as a pawn.Its almost unbelevable in itself, that your d would stoop so low as to have an affair with your 2nd ex.
They do all of these rotten things to torture us!I believe they are secretly jealous of us,because we CAN feel emotion, and they cant.As Oxy says, You will never win, as they NEVER EVER CHANGE!!Our daughters are cruel, heartless b–tches, they dont deserve our love and devotion.We have for the sake of our own sanity and survival,to go totally NC with them. Its theonly way we CAN survive. What use will we be to these precious Grandkids,if we die of stress, or suicide?Then the Narcs have really won!!We have to start by taking care of ourselves FIRST.Nc! NC! NC!It is very HARD,but so necessary.
Like Oxy has had to do, we have to grieve for these darling sweet little girls they were, who are NO MORE! These little loving girls are DEAD! as surely as if they are dead and buried, we have to grieve for them, and lay them to rest.
These cruel, controlling,snobby,manipulative,nasty, mean,thankless, ungrateful,BIt–s are NOT our dear little girls!
They DONT love us, they mean to HARM and HURT us. We have to let them go, for our own survival.kep praying for that precious grand daughter, and sooner or later, God will work something out, in HIS time!It takes two to play their cruel games, if we drop out, they have no one to torture.Ill keep praying for you! Stay strong, you so dont deserve any of this!
Much Love and {{{HUGS}}} GeminigirlXXX
gem, my mother passed away about 2 years ago and I have been going through her papers… and I found a bunch of newspaper clippings, yellowed with time, one of them was a mom that wrote to Ann Landers saying that after years of watching her daughter lead a self-destructive life and she (the mom) becoming an alcoholic trying to escape the pain… she went to counseling and learned she had the right to say “I cannot keep you from doing what you want to do, but I can let you know that I do not approve, and am now declaring your behavior ‘off limits.'” She went on to say that it was easier to live without her daughter than to tolerate the pain and all the garbage her daughter was dumping on her, she went through the “I can’t do it, my children are my life” and the counselor asked her “How is your life?”.
Anyway, due to copyright laws, I can’t post the letter here, but I think I summed it up well. Ann Landers agreed with the Mom who wrote. The original article ran in 1983 and it was a reprint. I’m not sure why my mother cut it out, I figure it had to be my sister, because I’m an ANGEL! lol… Really, my sister was a b*tch who argued with her all the time, but NOTHING like what you have gone through. I just found it interesting that it seems to be a timeless problem and others have found the solution in NC just as you have.
Well, guys, my husband who had been slim at one point in his life, wasn’t when I met him, but as he aged he became quite corpulent, he also had a huge nose, so you could never have called him good looking, he was though, very athletic. HIS EYES were sexy though, the way he would look at you would melt stone! He was funny as all get out….”normal”? Not sure, but it sure was fun. LOL
When he was 72, I still thought him the sexiest guy in the entire world!
We need to choose our lovers by their PERSONALITIES not their looks, as we all end up looking like YODA anyway, and I am getting there quickly, just not as green and my ears are not quite so pointed! Plus, I swing a skillet, not a light saber either! ha ha
But until I do find (if I ever do) another funny, honest, caring, loving man, I’ll still be complete within my funny, honest, loving and caring SELF!!!!
geminigirl:
Thank you so much for your very helpful post! You are so correct! I am so sick after the traumtizing scene that I had to hit the bed and sleep for two days. I have gone NC. I fear my daughter uses this GD on more than just me tho. This older daughter of mine that had the affair with my xhub has no children and never could have so she loves this gd-my younger daughter tortures her with the gd…especially now that she knows she had an affair with her dad. Luckily my gd is not that attached to my older daughter so not much lost there. My son and his wife have no daughters [two kids I’ve never been allowed to love either….one of whom NOBODY could love because he’s a child P….just an awful kid…mean and cruel to animals…etc…so I do not care to be in that kid’s life anyway….but the other one is just the opposite…great sweet boy who loved me too and I loved him….]and my son and his wife want to be with my gd and they love her so my younger daughter tortures them with my gd. My younger daughter even tortures my PX hub [her dad] with the gd….ironically my younger daughter is the ONLY one I’ve seen ever able to get to my PX [her father] and she can ‘tear him up emotionally’……….only person other than ‘his mommy’ that I’ve ever seen be able to do this. So: bottom line is: she can torture all kids of people [including her girlfriends that love this gd]. But: my gd seems to not be upset over them so much….but me….she loves. And I love her…so it really tears me up because I feel like I am abandoning her………….by going NC. But, I have to agree….if contact is causing more pain than good I must do it. Sometimes my daughter is ‘tired’ and won’t be in the game playing mood so my gd and I do have a nice visit but this is the exception rather than the rule. I am so torn…….
You are so right…the sweet little girls are dead….and we must bury them. Sad……
Thanks, all….and (((((HUGS))))))) to you gemini!!!