It has been just over six years since the man who promised to love me ”˜til death do us part (and took the ”˜til death part way too seriously) was arrested. In the intervening years, I have grown and healed and cried and slipped and stood and leaped and wrestled with truth versus fiction. I have sought to make sense of his nonsense and dropped my need to understand him as I’ve struggled to find my one true self beneath the debris of his torturous ride through my life.
And I have survived.
I have stood up tall while the sky was falling down around me. I have turned sour grapes into the heady bouquet of sunlit days of wine and roses. I have uncovered lies. Torn away the darkness and peeled back time to find my truth within me. I have been drawn by courage to face my own culpability in all that happened. I have faced my fears and asked for forgiveness. I have forgiven and been forgiven. I have asked for strength and found the truth of who I am. For in the end, truth has overcome his lies. Triumph surpassed the tragedy of his abuse.
In the years since his arrest, escape from prison, stalking and subsequent re-confinement to eventual release I have ridden the rollercoaster of my emotions, sometimes confident in my knowledge that I would be okay, sometimes terrified I would never find myself again, never know peace of mind. Yet, through it all, I have breathed gratefully into the joy of being free. Of the gift of living without his lies poisoning my mind, without his deceit blurring my vision and undermining my belief in who I am. I have embraced the truth that I deserve so much more in life than him. I deserve all of this I have today, and everything better.
It has been a journey of self-discovery. A voyage into the wonder of being me, in all my laughter, tears and fears and sorrow. It has been a journey into self-acceptance, forgiveness, humility and self-examination. And through it all, it has been a journey of love. A journey of knowing, this is my one and only life. It is up to me to make it a life worth living. A worthwhile life. A life of joy and laughter. Love and beauty. It’s up to me in how I live it up — or let it slip away. It’s up to me to be all that I am meant to be, dancing in the light of my beauty, warts and all.
It is the greatest gift of that relationship — the wonder of knowing me. Of knowing I am okay, exactly the way I am. That I have all I ever need, or want, or desire, right here within me. That I am free to love without fear, to laugh without tears, to cry and spill my heart out. To walk away or walk into open arms knowing, no matter their embrace, I will be okay. Because I am a woman of worth. A woman alive. An enlivened woman, dancing in the rain, splashing through puddles, leaping for joy at thunder crashing and lightning flashing. I am okay, however I am, whomever I’m with, because I have me, myself and I. Fearless. Uncompromising. Honest. Caring. Kind. Beauty and the beast. Yin and yang. Sunlight and sunset. Dark and light. And always loving.
In my journey from the darkness of those days where I believed his lies and abuse were all that I deserved, I have learned to accept myself, just the way I am. To let go of regret and to give into hope. To let go of anger and fall into truth. To let go of fear and surrender to love.
I have learned that the past is only a memory — and I decide its value in my life today. That what someone does to me is nothing compared to what I do with my experience. That someone else’s lies are not my truth, unless I choose to believe them. That there is beauty in this world around me. That I can trust myself to know the difference between false hope and honest possibilities. I have learned that I have courage, that I can stand up and turn up for me without fear of falling under someone else’s assertions I am too weak, or stupid, or short or tall or fat or skinny.
I have learned that I am not measured by my past, but by how I move through each moment of today. I decide if I create harmony or discord. Love or hatred. I have learned that each step I take is determined by the foundation under me — and I create that foundation with every breath, thought, word, action I take.
I have learned that I am me. Unique. Special. Magnificent. A human being of immense worth. A wondrous, luminous child of God. Filled with the greatness of my human being. Capable of falling down and courageous enough to stand back up and take another step and another and then another. My journey is not measured in the falls I take. It is built upon the hands I reach out, the steps I build towards creating my higher ground where I become my best me yet. My journey is measured in the love I give and receive.
I have learned that being me, perfectly human in all my imperfections, is the greatest gift I can give. I have learned to create value in all things in my world. My value is in everything I do. In how I treat myself and those I love and the world around me. My value is not measured against what I have. It is created in who I am in this world of wonder when I live this precious life in the rapture of now, without fear that I am not enough.
I am enough. Just the way I am.
ps Skippy, I am also the queen of the “run on sentence” per Mrs. Barlow, 7th grade English teacher!
Oxy:
You are the best. You provide so much insight and ongoing help to everyone here.
I vote for you to be an honorary Lovefraud counselor, or some other apt and worthy position.
Peggy
Dear Peggy,
I have missed you gal, where have you been? Gosh, my head is reeling from all the compliments—-my “down home” humor and stuff though I really would like to be like Louise, not trying to get a “contest” going here either…I just love reading her posts and articles as it makes me feel so, I don’t even know the words for it, just “spiritual” some how, she just knows how to make a story come out so uplifting and I think compared to her, I am kind of crude by comparison. I envy that quality about her writings. I know that we ALL have our special ability and mine seems to be swining the cyber skillet, but I would like to write like she does. I play the FIDDLE and she is a concert VIOLINIST. I guess that is the difference in our writings. I think each of us has our own special way of putting things that is unique to us, and I sure do like her unique style of writing. I look forward to every article or post she does. I always feel UPLIFTED. But anyway thannk you guys for liking my “fiddling” but even a fiddler likes to hear a concert on the violin. (((hugs))))
Oxy:
Well, guess I like fiddlin’, LOL.
I’ve been trying to get over it (him) and go forward…have been having a super lotta fun, am dating, have started a book but need to get motivated and dedicated. This process of healing seems to be a cycle of good and bad days, moving forward and back in a pendulous motion.
Glad you’re still here! I’ve talked to Aloha briefly and she is very busy.
Peggy
Thank you for this article. Many months ago I would of agreed with your inspirational words, but didnt have a clue how to get to where you are now. Early on someone here said ‘ The journey to ones self is the is the beautty of it’ something like that.. In the past I think I knew who I was, but was afraid to be me. I measured my self worth by the opinion of all the s/p/n’s in my life. Why did I need anyones approval? Who would I be without ‘s’ in my life? How can I “not’ do what “n” ask of me? She/he loves me after all? And I love them don’t I? So why was I so “not me” ? But who I thought they would approve of..So yes the journey that my latest ‘p’ set me on was long over do..should I thank him? hell no – I think the hardest thing has been accepting the aweful truth that I was played like a puppet. Trained and conditioned to be good and do their right thing…So I have become the me that was always there. And I like me and guess what? lot’s of folks like me just like I always wanted to be..But the most astonishing thing? I like me and I think that is long over due…ramble ramble”’
As we grow up we learn that the one person that was supposed to never let us down probably will. You will probably have your heart broken more than once and it is harder everytime. And you will break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You’ll fight with your best friend. You’ll blame a new love for things an old one did. You’ll cry because time is passing too fast, and you will eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures and laugh too much and love like you have never been hurt because every 60 seconds you spend upset is one minute of happiness you will never get back. I have come to the recent realization that I am probably more of a nerd than I ever thought before…
The post living in the wonder of now is way cool. You are very eloquent and courageous. You could maybe expand this into a book. We shouldn’t let people rob us of our self respect, dignity, or anything else good about us. Live and love with a vengence. I have seen some music quotes here, so I hope you don’t mind me sharing from Mudvayne- Never Enough.
“My legs are weary, but I still walk. My hands are sore broken, but I still clutch. My heart is jaded, but I still love. My cup is empty, but I still pour…..I lost the feeling, but I still touch. I stopped believing, but I still trust.” I only recommend actually listening to the song when the neighbors are away because it sounds better louder.
Henry, my darling friend,
I always knew you were a nerd! I always knew you had a sentimental streak a mile wide….anyone who loves weenie dogs has to be!!!!
Peggy, I miss aloha, but I told her I WOULD come to her graduation if I had to ride Fat Ass to get there!!! I am so happy for her that she is going to get her masters and be a therapist! She will be wonderful! She was (for those of you who may not remember her) one of the very first posters here on LF and still checks in every now and then. You can go back through some of the archives and read her articles.
Goodnight guys! Don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Henry….
NERD are cool!
XXOO
EB
M.L,
You are the Pheonex that has risen again….and showed us all that there is a light at the end of the tunnel….of finding and loving one’s self again…..what a beautifull enspiring post!!
Thank you!