It has been just over six years since the man who promised to love me ”˜til death do us part (and took the ”˜til death part way too seriously) was arrested. In the intervening years, I have grown and healed and cried and slipped and stood and leaped and wrestled with truth versus fiction. I have sought to make sense of his nonsense and dropped my need to understand him as I’ve struggled to find my one true self beneath the debris of his torturous ride through my life.
And I have survived.
I have stood up tall while the sky was falling down around me. I have turned sour grapes into the heady bouquet of sunlit days of wine and roses. I have uncovered lies. Torn away the darkness and peeled back time to find my truth within me. I have been drawn by courage to face my own culpability in all that happened. I have faced my fears and asked for forgiveness. I have forgiven and been forgiven. I have asked for strength and found the truth of who I am. For in the end, truth has overcome his lies. Triumph surpassed the tragedy of his abuse.
In the years since his arrest, escape from prison, stalking and subsequent re-confinement to eventual release I have ridden the rollercoaster of my emotions, sometimes confident in my knowledge that I would be okay, sometimes terrified I would never find myself again, never know peace of mind. Yet, through it all, I have breathed gratefully into the joy of being free. Of the gift of living without his lies poisoning my mind, without his deceit blurring my vision and undermining my belief in who I am. I have embraced the truth that I deserve so much more in life than him. I deserve all of this I have today, and everything better.
It has been a journey of self-discovery. A voyage into the wonder of being me, in all my laughter, tears and fears and sorrow. It has been a journey into self-acceptance, forgiveness, humility and self-examination. And through it all, it has been a journey of love. A journey of knowing, this is my one and only life. It is up to me to make it a life worth living. A worthwhile life. A life of joy and laughter. Love and beauty. It’s up to me in how I live it up — or let it slip away. It’s up to me to be all that I am meant to be, dancing in the light of my beauty, warts and all.
It is the greatest gift of that relationship — the wonder of knowing me. Of knowing I am okay, exactly the way I am. That I have all I ever need, or want, or desire, right here within me. That I am free to love without fear, to laugh without tears, to cry and spill my heart out. To walk away or walk into open arms knowing, no matter their embrace, I will be okay. Because I am a woman of worth. A woman alive. An enlivened woman, dancing in the rain, splashing through puddles, leaping for joy at thunder crashing and lightning flashing. I am okay, however I am, whomever I’m with, because I have me, myself and I. Fearless. Uncompromising. Honest. Caring. Kind. Beauty and the beast. Yin and yang. Sunlight and sunset. Dark and light. And always loving.
In my journey from the darkness of those days where I believed his lies and abuse were all that I deserved, I have learned to accept myself, just the way I am. To let go of regret and to give into hope. To let go of anger and fall into truth. To let go of fear and surrender to love.
I have learned that the past is only a memory — and I decide its value in my life today. That what someone does to me is nothing compared to what I do with my experience. That someone else’s lies are not my truth, unless I choose to believe them. That there is beauty in this world around me. That I can trust myself to know the difference between false hope and honest possibilities. I have learned that I have courage, that I can stand up and turn up for me without fear of falling under someone else’s assertions I am too weak, or stupid, or short or tall or fat or skinny.
I have learned that I am not measured by my past, but by how I move through each moment of today. I decide if I create harmony or discord. Love or hatred. I have learned that each step I take is determined by the foundation under me — and I create that foundation with every breath, thought, word, action I take.
I have learned that I am me. Unique. Special. Magnificent. A human being of immense worth. A wondrous, luminous child of God. Filled with the greatness of my human being. Capable of falling down and courageous enough to stand back up and take another step and another and then another. My journey is not measured in the falls I take. It is built upon the hands I reach out, the steps I build towards creating my higher ground where I become my best me yet. My journey is measured in the love I give and receive.
I have learned that being me, perfectly human in all my imperfections, is the greatest gift I can give. I have learned to create value in all things in my world. My value is in everything I do. In how I treat myself and those I love and the world around me. My value is not measured against what I have. It is created in who I am in this world of wonder when I live this precious life in the rapture of now, without fear that I am not enough.
I am enough. Just the way I am.
Haha, Peggy, I like fiddlin’, too! And concert violins! Both make the world rich and interesting.
And there you go again with the fab metaphors, Oxy! Great illustration 🙂
I agree, Erin, nerds are cool. Pithy musings, Henry; insightful.
Thanks, all. You’re such a comfort. Sweet dreams.
Okay…..totally off subject….just an EB update…..
I go to court next week for ANOTHER extension of the already extended TPO…it’s already been 1 year. S is ‘local’ and heading our direction……
He’s up to something…..and I WILL FIGURE IT OUT…..he always leaves breadcrumb trails….
So heres the update….his ‘cronies’ (6 of them) have been charged with btween 3 and 6 counts of ‘drug related’ felonies. 150K bail was revoked due to flight risk.
He has had contact with them just prior to several of their arrests in another state…..let’s just say 2500 miles away from the investigation….. they were arrested and landed back in the ‘investigation’ state……and are now sitting ‘pretty’ in a fed. prison, awaiting trial. This is big!
It would be a good time for one of them to turn and start talking to save their asses…they are facing huge sentences……
I just know the players involved in the state they were picked up in……I know they are involved…..One is a known dude, one has a ‘weird’ business, I never knew how it could survive…..I not only survives….he recently opened a new front……so now there are 2 locations…..These businesses are known to be fruad fronts for drugs…I am sure ex has a stake in laundering money through that business….
Funny enough…..the Ex S has no issues paying off his nice credit card debt that he acquired due to his ‘sever injury’, and ‘brokeness’ during the divorce and his complete inability to work due to ‘me slandering’ his fantabulous name in the community……
Oh, what a victim. (He played the victim card and NO ONE bought it….he was told by one drunken friend, to run up the cards and I would be responsible) NOT! He pouted and rubbed his face (just like miculley Coulkin in home alone) did in our last and final divorce appearance…….BTW…..our state offers videos of these hearings and they are PRICELESS……makes for a great HOME VIDEO watching session with friends. The last appearance was so belly laughing funny to watch him ‘act’ but he couldn’t hide his real stress from me…..I LOVED IT!
His pouting was related to his severe stress due to ‘financial hardship’ and stress wondering how he could possibly pay $150.00 a month for his childrens medical insurance. Even his attorney had a hard time keeping a straight face, this was CLASSIC to watch on video….his attorney kept saying….I KNOW>>i already know what you will say counsel….you don’t even have to say it…..as he tried to keep a straight face…..
BUT…..after all that….he just can’t control himself and has made huge payments on his CC’s…..and continues to travel, etc….Hmmmmmm…..where is this money coming from???
So…..things are getting hot for him…..and eventually his mask will slip and he will get caught with his dick in his own mouth.
It’s ironic to know his behaviors so well now…..He has made every move I expected him to……every move! He is so predictable it’s a joke…..and he thinks he is RICO SOAVE smooth.
He stayed in that other far away state, while he could gain supply there….bamboozled all of them….because I wasn’t in their view to ‘get to know’……so he captivated them…..then he got bored and moved west…..back to his old supply town, where everyone knows him……or so they think! They know him as a drug dealer…..since high school…..he’s almost 50….wow what a legacy…..it’s clear why he always kept that part of his life away from us…..
He left my town, after it was clear to him he could’nt run us out……lost every court appearance he attended and needed supply……so he ran…..
To watch people who are still involved with him is funny to me now…..because I know what they are in for….it’s just a matter of time…..
I think it would be the ultimate for him to get locked up and go away for his drugs…..I have done all I can to offer informatin, anything I know, documented or found out……NOW they need to follow his crumbs…..at some point it will happen…..because, HE WILL NEVER STOP!
All the people that doubted me, will continue to think he got a bad wrap…..because it will be so hard for them to believe he is a drug dealer…..He’s such a nice guy, well dressed, charming…..they don’t see con! But they will!
I do believe everything happens for a reason…..and when THIS happens it will become clear to me why it took so long….
I believe I know where all the money is hidden, I told them that too.
He will have some xplainen to do with certain agencies…..I won’t keep quiet there either….
We didn’t deserve this, it was all his choices, HIS….We were NO PART of it, as much as he tried to get the kids ‘involved’…..
I THANK GOD, my kids have a better mind, and as teenagers no less…..to not have gone their fathers route….THEY WERE DISGUSTED BY HIM, when he introduced this to them…..it backfired on the S…………he told them, if you ever tell your mother, it will be the end of our family…….OH….He was right!!!!
THANK GOD THEY KNEW RIGHT FROM WRONG!!!!!!!
THANK GOD I had an influence on them.
OMG, OMG, OMG!
SO…..for S to get busted, it would not only take another slime ball off the streets, it would show our kids the full circle…..prove to them, this is not the ‘easy’ route.
We have suffered, we have managed, we are moving along…..WE ARE OKAY!!!!
I am so grateful it has all turned out the way it has……
and I don’t believe it’s over…..cuz the fat lady ain’t singing yet, she’s still following the bread crumbs!
Stay tuned…….
xxoo
So, I kinda feel like I’m eavesdropping a bit 🙂 — but I did want to comment on OxDrover’s comments.
Firstly — Thank you.
Isn’t it funny how others perceive us? I love writing and know it is a gift and truly appreciate your feedback — that’s the beauty of this place. To find our own unique voice and speak up, loud and then to be honoured for our expression of self is truly a remarkable and wonderful gift.
OxDrover — when I read what you write, your insight, your depth of understanding always leaves me in awe. And I always come away having learned something — and feeling empowered to keep growing.
And then I read something like what Erin wrote and I am once again moved to tears and awe. Her courage, compassion, strength — absolutely amazing.
And that’s the gift here. So many different voices. So many different songs — all with one clear purpose. To heal and become our most magnificent selves.
And every voice has a unique and vital timbre. Like Teacher’s quote from Mudvayne’s song — Never Enough — powerful. And because it’s shared from the heart, it inspires and connects each of us to this healing circle.
When I first got out of that relationship, writing was my salvation. It is what gave me sanity. Helped me find peace of mind. It is what connected me to others who had shared the experience of loving The Lie.
And that’s why this place is so powerful. We share — our hope, strength and experience, as they say in AlAnon, and we grow stronger — individually and together.
Thanks everyone.
I’ve committed to Donna that I shall post each week on Wednesday. Next week will be on the ABC’s of healing.
And that is the gift you give me when you speak of how my words connect – the encouragement and confidence to keep speaking up, to keep writing. Thank you.
Erin… you are AWESOME! A ROCK!! Erin Rocks!!!
Dear Louuise,
Your prose is so musical and uplifting! It is like the words are magic and go straight to the heart. I still can’t think of the word I want to describe the feeling your posts give me. That’s the worst part about the CRS is that I have word fiinding difficulty! LOL and it frustrates the heck out of me!!!
I am also committed to Donna and that is why i stay here after so long—that, and I love the articles and the posters, and seeing them come here in tears and confusion and before long they are giving wonderful support to OTHERS and we all “shout” TOWANDA together!!!
Each of us does have a unique voice and a unique perspective on healing, and that IS what makes this site so different from others I have read or posted on. SO SPECIAL.
I’m so glad you will be doing a weekly article! Can’t wait for Wednesdays now!!! Thanks so much, so VERY much for sharing you perspectives and your views, Louise. I always visualize you sitting in a field of wild flowers, with maybe a golden retreiver by your side, and birds singing in the back ground or flitting from one tree to another. PEACE. TRANQUILITY, and HARMONY. The field bright with sunshine and love as you write your articles. (((hugs))))
ErinBrockovich
My heart goes RIGHT OUT THERE to you….YOU ARE TURNING IT AROUND!!! He is so predictable, he has made every move you thought he would…..YOU are knee deep in drama and over stimulation and I can totally get it….but out of it all, out of it all…I want to remind you of something….’Thank God my kids have a better mind……’ THEY WERE DISGUSTED BY HIM…Thank God I had an influence on them……..
WE HAVE SUFFERED, WE HAVE MANAGED , WE ARE MOVING ALONG OK……This is the most important part of what you are living through….that you and your kids continue to evolve and the fat lady aint singing because she is blown away by your COURAGE and SPIRIT and LOVE in the face of this negativity…brilliant, inspiring and I wish you every good luck and blessing that’s out there to get!
I just had my first encounter with a sociopath. I cannot believe they are actually out there. It is so scary. I met him on an online dating site, chemistry.com. He created an entire persona based on what he thought I wanted. It worked, too. Luckily, I started pointing out small variations in his lies. I wasn’t even trying, I just got more comfortable with him and began asking questions. He was just to the point where he wanted me to start paying for things…like a parking ticket he got a my house. I refused. I work too hard for my money. He dropped me immediately. It was so cold and callous. He was sweet and nice one minute, then just no emotion. Completely gone. It’s like, I looked at him and all the facade was gone in an instant and before me was this terrifying, cold man. I feel so used, but lucky I didn’t fall for it. I found out about all the lies when I did some research on him, which I should have done earlier. I eventually contacted a girl, who happened to be another girlfriend. She has been with him for over a year. She said she just accepts him for who he is and loves him anyway. There is a third girl too. I just cannot believe they actually exist. How can the person next door have absolutely no humanity? I’m baffled. I don’t even know where to go from here. I’m just glad I got out before I turned into her. Well, I guess, he’s the one that ended it with me, technically, but thank God I didn’t fall in love with him and do whatever he wanted.
Dear Completelyscared,
Welcome to the PSYCHOPATHIC REAL WORLD OF ON-LINE DATING!!!!
I don’t mean to make fun of you at all, but I do hope this is a wake up call to you that the person behind the screen can be WHATEVER HE WANTS TO PRETEND TO BE…I AM glad tha tyou got out without being murdered, scammed for everything you own, married to him and had two kids that turned out to be genetic copies of him, etc.
hang around here, there is a WEALTH of knowledge about ‘them” in many variations and KNOWLEDGE=POWER, to learn to recognize them for what they are before they sinnk their fangs into you.
WELCOME!!! Glad you found your way here!!! God Bless.
Thank God your first encounter with an S was a relatively
harmless one, considering what it could have been.
and Thank God you had a chance to see one up close and
personal so you now know the Grimm fairy tales about them
are actually true, and that you’ll know next time what they look like.
What Drover says is absolutely right KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.
Allow your experience to empower you because it gave you
the knowledge you need to protect yourself.
completelyscared
I am so so happy for you.. !! you Knew something was wrong,
and you are so so wise… to let him go…. be careful.. cause
he might be back…!! but you are not “in love with him”
so you do not have his hook in you !!!
the part that I identify with,,, is…
It was so cold and callous. He was sweet and nice one minute, then just no emotion. Completely gone. It’s like, I looked at him and all the facade was gone in an instant and before me was this terrifying, cold man.
this is what I saw also… dating him for 3 months…!! but I had fallen in love with him already…. when I saw the cold and empty no emotion inside of him…. I broke up with him
immediately….. and told him never ever to call me again.
and he just stayed cold … and emotionless..as I was telling
him to stay away from me..!!!
I immediately accepted a date with another man who was very attractive and warm and really emotional… !!!
with in a week… the x called and said…. am I calling you too soon… and I told him I meant what I said.. and involved with another man.. who is better for me…! I was honest with him.
He stayed away another few months … and just called from time to time…. and finally broke me down to see him again,
and sure enought I was under his spell once again….. that was 5 years ago. so he was very good for years with me.
but… again… now he lies… and cheats and lies about it all.
no matter what… he denies.. any wrong doings… !! Its so painful.. and there is no future with a man that cant really love me…. just pretends….. and gives me dreams that do not come true…!!! And I am a smart powerful women…. who has
been caught in his web…. so.. be careful… I wish this on no body…. stay away from this man.. that cold person with out emotion is the real person…..who just uses..to build himself up. I wish I found this site… 5 years ago !!!