It has been just over six years since the man who promised to love me ”˜til death do us part (and took the ”˜til death part way too seriously) was arrested. In the intervening years, I have grown and healed and cried and slipped and stood and leaped and wrestled with truth versus fiction. I have sought to make sense of his nonsense and dropped my need to understand him as I’ve struggled to find my one true self beneath the debris of his torturous ride through my life.
And I have survived.
I have stood up tall while the sky was falling down around me. I have turned sour grapes into the heady bouquet of sunlit days of wine and roses. I have uncovered lies. Torn away the darkness and peeled back time to find my truth within me. I have been drawn by courage to face my own culpability in all that happened. I have faced my fears and asked for forgiveness. I have forgiven and been forgiven. I have asked for strength and found the truth of who I am. For in the end, truth has overcome his lies. Triumph surpassed the tragedy of his abuse.
In the years since his arrest, escape from prison, stalking and subsequent re-confinement to eventual release I have ridden the rollercoaster of my emotions, sometimes confident in my knowledge that I would be okay, sometimes terrified I would never find myself again, never know peace of mind. Yet, through it all, I have breathed gratefully into the joy of being free. Of the gift of living without his lies poisoning my mind, without his deceit blurring my vision and undermining my belief in who I am. I have embraced the truth that I deserve so much more in life than him. I deserve all of this I have today, and everything better.
It has been a journey of self-discovery. A voyage into the wonder of being me, in all my laughter, tears and fears and sorrow. It has been a journey into self-acceptance, forgiveness, humility and self-examination. And through it all, it has been a journey of love. A journey of knowing, this is my one and only life. It is up to me to make it a life worth living. A worthwhile life. A life of joy and laughter. Love and beauty. It’s up to me in how I live it up — or let it slip away. It’s up to me to be all that I am meant to be, dancing in the light of my beauty, warts and all.
It is the greatest gift of that relationship — the wonder of knowing me. Of knowing I am okay, exactly the way I am. That I have all I ever need, or want, or desire, right here within me. That I am free to love without fear, to laugh without tears, to cry and spill my heart out. To walk away or walk into open arms knowing, no matter their embrace, I will be okay. Because I am a woman of worth. A woman alive. An enlivened woman, dancing in the rain, splashing through puddles, leaping for joy at thunder crashing and lightning flashing. I am okay, however I am, whomever I’m with, because I have me, myself and I. Fearless. Uncompromising. Honest. Caring. Kind. Beauty and the beast. Yin and yang. Sunlight and sunset. Dark and light. And always loving.
In my journey from the darkness of those days where I believed his lies and abuse were all that I deserved, I have learned to accept myself, just the way I am. To let go of regret and to give into hope. To let go of anger and fall into truth. To let go of fear and surrender to love.
I have learned that the past is only a memory — and I decide its value in my life today. That what someone does to me is nothing compared to what I do with my experience. That someone else’s lies are not my truth, unless I choose to believe them. That there is beauty in this world around me. That I can trust myself to know the difference between false hope and honest possibilities. I have learned that I have courage, that I can stand up and turn up for me without fear of falling under someone else’s assertions I am too weak, or stupid, or short or tall or fat or skinny.
I have learned that I am not measured by my past, but by how I move through each moment of today. I decide if I create harmony or discord. Love or hatred. I have learned that each step I take is determined by the foundation under me — and I create that foundation with every breath, thought, word, action I take.
I have learned that I am me. Unique. Special. Magnificent. A human being of immense worth. A wondrous, luminous child of God. Filled with the greatness of my human being. Capable of falling down and courageous enough to stand back up and take another step and another and then another. My journey is not measured in the falls I take. It is built upon the hands I reach out, the steps I build towards creating my higher ground where I become my best me yet. My journey is measured in the love I give and receive.
I have learned that being me, perfectly human in all my imperfections, is the greatest gift I can give. I have learned to create value in all things in my world. My value is in everything I do. In how I treat myself and those I love and the world around me. My value is not measured against what I have. It is created in who I am in this world of wonder when I live this precious life in the rapture of now, without fear that I am not enough.
I am enough. Just the way I am.
Thanks for that uplifting post. It comes at a time when I really need it. All you wonderful people here keep me going and make me realize that the battle is worth fighting. Thanks to everyone for your support. I needed to be quiet for a while so as not to fuel the fire that is my stalker here, but I have read every post and appreciate every comment. God bless all of us!
What a wonderful article! It seems divinely inspired!!!
It describes where I am in the process of living for me. I feel validated.
I want to soar and I’m finding my wings. They have always been with me but buried beneath the roots of my past–and not just the past with the P. I’ve been doing some digging and uprooting.
This is my meditation: I imagine my back area–from shoulder to shoulder and down in a triangular shape. I have my left shoulder which represents recent relationships, my right should which represents my past relationship (marriage of 26 years), and the middle of my back which represents ALL the negative messages from the past. The shoulders feel freer. But it’s the middle of my back–the past–that is entangled in all those horrible experiences/thoughts/beliefs from the long ago past. Those are the most entangled roots. When I have a negative thought I try to distract by thinking of the roots being pushed out with the wings that are replacing them.
I’m taking a long break from dating until I have my wings–until I have enough freedom within to act on what is best for me–a concept opposite of that childhood lesson of “think of other people first and treat them like you want to be treated.” Another part of the lesson that was left out…we all know!! There are “Ps” in the world….!
One of my favorite quotes by Anonymous: Just when the catepillar thought the world had ended it became a butterfly.
Thank you for the excellent article!
Dear MaryJo,
Don’t ever let that stalker keep you from posting here!!! this is YOUR PLACE, not hers. It is obvious what they are pretty quickly to most of us here, though we do tend to be “too compassionate” sometimes when people come here, rather than the reverse.
Let her rant! YOU and WE know who and what you are!!!! She can prattle on forever and it doesn’t change who you are or what Joey is.
I for one am glad you are here, glad that you finally (like the rest of us,) EVENTUALLY got it, and that you have the “bully pulpit” of “fame” because of what happened to you to SPREAD THE WORD and the COURAGE to DO IT!!!!
My “pheasant-feathered derby” hat wiith the huge rooster tail of feathers, is off to you, and I bow to your courage and healing!!! You have become the “Joan of Arc” waving the flag for the rest of us to follow in your courageous lead!!! THANK YOU, you will probably never know how many LIVES YOU SAVE, how many beatings, killings, and misery your book prevents, because it is difficult to keep statistics on what did NOT happen, but your voice will save many I have NO DOUBT!!! Thank you again, and my prayers for your continued healing, peace and happiness. (((hugs)))) from an old woman who took a lot more than 17 years to GET it! It also took an attempt on my life to wake me up! Even then I didn’t want to believe it.
Morgan: love the quote (as Oxy knows..LOL!xxxx) the butterfly transformation analogies are my favorite for all of us going through these experiences.xxx
Dear Completelyscared,
My X-husband P is on these dating sites. From all I am hearing from my daughter and an X gal friend posting on my X’s facebook [it was sent to me by a friend]….he is giving them a real workout. Got loads of women going at the same time. This gal friend of his was the main one that met him and picked him up after I dumped him. She was playing ‘mama’ to him. He moved into her home, used and abused her….and get this: I guess thru my daughter she started watching my facebook page. On my facebook page I post lots of info on P’s. Well, she started reading….and thinking–she tracked his online activity and found out he was cheating on her via online dating sites. She blew a fuse…posted it all over his facebook and threw him out. Now: this is really funny…she lived close by the freeway and that Sat AM I was on my way down the freeway……..I thought I am going to drive past there and see if she really threw him out……sure enough from the side road I could see her standing in her yard, a truck there and my X’s poor robot brother moving my x’s stuff out for him [this bro is a slave to my P X too]. This gal got wise off my info….teeee, heeee! I loved it. Karma is so nice. 😉 LOLOLOLOL!
blueskies: thanks. and happy flying!
Dear Twice,
Karma is NICE, BUTTTTTTT….keeping tabs on them can “rent them space” in YOUR head that they don’t deserve. Even though “revenge” or “karma” is a good feeling, the BEST feeling is the NIRVANA OF INDIFFERENCE when you really do NOT even wish them harm, don’t wish them anything, and you would not gloat on their downfalls….it is difficult and takes time to get to that state, but working on it is liberating even if you “backslide” some times.
For me, I have found that getting the BITTERNESS OUT OF MY OWN HEART is better for ME–doesn’t mean I condone them etc, but just pay them as little attention positive OR negative as I can. Hang in there, the healing is a JOURNEY, not a destination and there are always new things to learn and it does get better and better as we go along, even if sometimes we do hit a pot hole or two, just climb back out, dust ourselves off and move on toward the LIGHT!!! (((HUGS)))) AND GOD BLESS YOU!!!
Dearest completelyscared, I just read your post and had to smile with a proud “you go girl” out loud. Be proud of yourself that you :”dodged a bullet” and are discerning and STRONG enough to close the door on this emotional vampire and all of his entrappings! As you have read, most of us weren’t that aware- we were too brainwashed to get out of it so soon.
Continue to research disordered personalites- as I have seen some differences in these people and some tactics are alittle different- for instance, recently I had a guy who appeared to be “all about me”, too eager to help, and seemed to study what “I” needed help with and tried to get close. -My x N/p NEVER used these tactics. But as time went on, I saw the “dead eyes”, the risky behaviors-criminal, thrill seeking- driving fast, living fast,, Then a violent tendency trait- broke his own windshield in what he called “a temper tantrum” and various “scare the HECK outta ME stuff. I never was romantically involved with him- THANK god. I instinctively felt I had to disengage from him CAREFULLY- not to cause any rage, or rejection in him due to my gut instinct that this guy could be dangerous. He had no moral compass- no regrets about punching others, or anything he deemed necessary to do in life. He claimed to not believe in God -very different from my P “evangalist” who faked christianity to get favor.
How I discovered all this about him so quickly is that I set him up by carefully designed questions and comments directed toward him.
By listening very intently I got his number fast, and even told him I was dating someone in order to get him out of my life.
I thought about putting a 6 foot 3″ stand up doll in my front window at my house just to reinterate ” I gotta boyfriend” hehehe! My” fake boyfriend” story got this disordered scary guy out of my back yard- as I felt like to him I was vulnerable like a little girl holding a lollipop. Thank God we are no longer suckers!!!
THE CONFERENCE IS TONIGHT—well the conference with the Reverend is tonight somewhere after 6:00 p.m. at his home. I have to go get some things copied (copies of my P son’s letters etc) to leave with the Reverend. He and his wife have accepted my suggestion that the egg donor be confronted as a GROUP—that will keep her from wiggling around and lying because we will be facing her and she will KNOW SHE IS CORNERED (i THINK–HOPE-PRAY) But I am NOT getting my expectations up too high—this is just a last ditch effort to keep her from sending money to the Pson so he will be able to mount another attack.
The worst part will be, I think, is that if it does work, I will have to have face to face contact (at least some) with her to monitor the situation, but I WILL NEVER TRUST HER AGAIN, so will NEVER LET MY GUARD DOWN. I DO DREAD that, and my thoat chokes up a bit just at the thought of it, but I AM STRONG, and I will do WHAT I HAVE TO DO.
Thank all of you for the support, validatino and hugs you have given me through all of this mess. I still have my date on Wednesday to look forward to and yesterday was a good day so will keep on kee;ing on, one foot in front of the other!!! TOWANDA!!!
ps: PRAY FOR ME!!!