It has been just over six years since the man who promised to love me ”˜til death do us part (and took the ”˜til death part way too seriously) was arrested. In the intervening years, I have grown and healed and cried and slipped and stood and leaped and wrestled with truth versus fiction. I have sought to make sense of his nonsense and dropped my need to understand him as I’ve struggled to find my one true self beneath the debris of his torturous ride through my life.
And I have survived.
I have stood up tall while the sky was falling down around me. I have turned sour grapes into the heady bouquet of sunlit days of wine and roses. I have uncovered lies. Torn away the darkness and peeled back time to find my truth within me. I have been drawn by courage to face my own culpability in all that happened. I have faced my fears and asked for forgiveness. I have forgiven and been forgiven. I have asked for strength and found the truth of who I am. For in the end, truth has overcome his lies. Triumph surpassed the tragedy of his abuse.
In the years since his arrest, escape from prison, stalking and subsequent re-confinement to eventual release I have ridden the rollercoaster of my emotions, sometimes confident in my knowledge that I would be okay, sometimes terrified I would never find myself again, never know peace of mind. Yet, through it all, I have breathed gratefully into the joy of being free. Of the gift of living without his lies poisoning my mind, without his deceit blurring my vision and undermining my belief in who I am. I have embraced the truth that I deserve so much more in life than him. I deserve all of this I have today, and everything better.
It has been a journey of self-discovery. A voyage into the wonder of being me, in all my laughter, tears and fears and sorrow. It has been a journey into self-acceptance, forgiveness, humility and self-examination. And through it all, it has been a journey of love. A journey of knowing, this is my one and only life. It is up to me to make it a life worth living. A worthwhile life. A life of joy and laughter. Love and beauty. It’s up to me in how I live it up — or let it slip away. It’s up to me to be all that I am meant to be, dancing in the light of my beauty, warts and all.
It is the greatest gift of that relationship — the wonder of knowing me. Of knowing I am okay, exactly the way I am. That I have all I ever need, or want, or desire, right here within me. That I am free to love without fear, to laugh without tears, to cry and spill my heart out. To walk away or walk into open arms knowing, no matter their embrace, I will be okay. Because I am a woman of worth. A woman alive. An enlivened woman, dancing in the rain, splashing through puddles, leaping for joy at thunder crashing and lightning flashing. I am okay, however I am, whomever I’m with, because I have me, myself and I. Fearless. Uncompromising. Honest. Caring. Kind. Beauty and the beast. Yin and yang. Sunlight and sunset. Dark and light. And always loving.
In my journey from the darkness of those days where I believed his lies and abuse were all that I deserved, I have learned to accept myself, just the way I am. To let go of regret and to give into hope. To let go of anger and fall into truth. To let go of fear and surrender to love.
I have learned that the past is only a memory — and I decide its value in my life today. That what someone does to me is nothing compared to what I do with my experience. That someone else’s lies are not my truth, unless I choose to believe them. That there is beauty in this world around me. That I can trust myself to know the difference between false hope and honest possibilities. I have learned that I have courage, that I can stand up and turn up for me without fear of falling under someone else’s assertions I am too weak, or stupid, or short or tall or fat or skinny.
I have learned that I am not measured by my past, but by how I move through each moment of today. I decide if I create harmony or discord. Love or hatred. I have learned that each step I take is determined by the foundation under me — and I create that foundation with every breath, thought, word, action I take.
I have learned that I am me. Unique. Special. Magnificent. A human being of immense worth. A wondrous, luminous child of God. Filled with the greatness of my human being. Capable of falling down and courageous enough to stand back up and take another step and another and then another. My journey is not measured in the falls I take. It is built upon the hands I reach out, the steps I build towards creating my higher ground where I become my best me yet. My journey is measured in the love I give and receive.
I have learned that being me, perfectly human in all my imperfections, is the greatest gift I can give. I have learned to create value in all things in my world. My value is in everything I do. In how I treat myself and those I love and the world around me. My value is not measured against what I have. It is created in who I am in this world of wonder when I live this precious life in the rapture of now, without fear that I am not enough.
I am enough. Just the way I am.
Completelyscared- another clue about this bad man- was how he treated service people- waiters, workers, and so forth. Not lining up with his willingness to go overboard to help me. He stayed angry and sullen alot, but seemed to come alive when trying to hook me. I now make it my job to “study” anyone trying to become involved in my life.
Even listening to x wives who “hate” their x husbands- my reasoning is- If you got an x wife who hates you, Im pretty sure I’d be hating you pretty soon too! lol
Dearest Oxy,
I am praying for you right now and in Jesus name, that He holds you in the palm of his hand and provides safety,comfort, and peace. xoxoxo
Dear Oxy. LOTS of love. Lots of strength.You ARE strong.xxxx The biggest fattest TOWANDA!xxxxxxx and (((((((((((((((( GIGANTO HUGS!)))))))))))))
mjc1955:
Has anyone approached you about speaking in schools/colleges?
I have always believed that education about personality disorders should start very young, with children while they are still in school.
If kids are educated about personality disorders BEFORE they enter the world, maybe (just maybe) a lot of the devastation that sociopaths cause could be reduced.
Not only that, but some of the teenagers that may be showing early signs of personality disorders could receive more effective help EARLY.
I wish someone would have educated me about sociopaths when I was in junior high/high school & college.
Furthermore, if you are speaking in schools, you know that parents are going to take notice, as well. It will have a blow-up effect.
The more educated the general public is about what traits/characteristics to watch for in a sociopath, the less room the sociopaths will have to maneuver, and run their con games.
Anyway, I would be very interested in having you come and speak at the schools in my community, if you are open to it.
We can discuss fees/expenses offline.
I am sure you are busy right now promoting your book. But, I think your story is powerful, because it is one that so many women and young girls across the country can relate to, or may find themselves in one day.
Dear OxDrover:
I do completely agree with you! Indifference to what they do is one of the final stages of healing. I am there now. I no longer accept info about what he is doing from ‘friends’ and I no longer am interested in what he is doing. I don’t care. But, at the time that all took place I was not to this point of healing. But, I do think others need to know these types of males use everything for contacts: including oneline dating sites. Mine once told me: if he was single he would use the internet to be whoever he wanted to become. I think he meant it….and probably did not wait until he became single. Dangerous out on the cyberway.
OxDrover:
PS…thanks for all the very good help/advice. I appreciate it. ((((hugs back to you))))
Ps – single, attached, married, or otherwise, are ALWAYS out there looking for their next ‘conquest.’ i now realize that on-line porn was only a small piece of what my XP was doing. he works nites, so while i was working during the day, he was ‘making his rounds.’ (yes, he’s a nurse…eeek) Absolutely perfect for him. no wonder he liked working nites. he kept complaining he couldn’t sleep. hard to sleep when you’ve got a hard-on all day. gotta have a few hours sleep before working or doing it again. sorry for being crast (sp?) now, but now that i know what i know, i should have looked at his dick/balls to see how it/they hung…or realized why he was so hard when he came home in the morning. how stupid to think the viagra was for me. i just got the bullshit, while she got the sex. was i stupid or what. (ladies, just another tell-tale sign to look for to see if your man is fng someone.)
candyharlau:
Girl, you are so right! They are always looking for the next one/two/three etc. My XP loved to hit small cafes, stores where young girls worked that usually had small children and made very little money….ie: were in need of $$ which he would dangle before them and give them some money or help buy their kids something…you know; find out what they needed. Now he has bought a yacht with his half of our house money [I bought him out] and is cruising around with a bunch of young girls [and guys] hanging on his boat. He’s decorated it like a pirate ship and he’s Jack Sparrow…..LOL! He’s forever sixteen…………[better get some little pills with V’s on them…if he thinks he can run with the young guns! ;)] Bwaaahahahahahaha! Bet that sometimes ED is really a bummer. 😉
OxDrover
I need the “NIRVANA OF INDIFFERENCE”…I’m so lonely without the illusion of him…crying….pining….like a puppy for mother….feels like a deep unmet need I have for…what i do not know but it’s huge….Do not worry …I know he is an illusion and my upset is an expression of how much I wanted to believe….Best of luck with the confrontation….it takes the village to corner all the enablers….
candyharlau
The cheating is so hard to take…my ex swore “I was the only one bla bla” then to find out the depth of his on line slobbering and lying…his subsequent descent into girlfriend after girlfriend, his clever little pick up lines and cute little flirts….all A big CON JOB FOR ALL WOMEN……leave his balls hang whatvever way they like…..a woman like you needs to find a better man!!! run for your life….do not look back and thank God you still have your spirit
What a beautiful and inspiring message. Great to pop in here and find that message waiting for me, as I’m home sick today with little else to do besides check in with my internet friends.
I have started have glimpses of “well-being” and centeredness lately and it has been a long time coming. What I have found is that when I feel like I’m good enough just the way I am, it’s easier for me to be vulnerable with others and easier to face rejection. I don’t have to hide or put on a facade in case they see the real me. The real me seems to be just fine, with all the flaws and imperfections.
It has been 14 months since I went NC with the sociopath, and for a long time I didn’t want to date anyone. But lately, I have had the strong desire. I started remembering an affair I had with a younger man before I met the sociopath. I never had closure with the younger man. So I took it upon myself to contact him. To my surprise, he had been thinking about me and wants to visit me from SF in a month or two. It was very difficult having the conversation with him and being so vulnerable. But I’m realizing that without risk, you cannot have love. The age difference was part of the risk. For two years I responded abruptly to his emails because I was too embarrassed to let him know how I felt. Looking back, I think I have left a lot of relationships without closure. Anyway, it all starts with accepting myself. I’m not there 100% but seeing glimpses of it.
I apologize for rambling. Hi everyone!