It has been just over six years since the man who promised to love me ”˜til death do us part (and took the ”˜til death part way too seriously) was arrested. In the intervening years, I have grown and healed and cried and slipped and stood and leaped and wrestled with truth versus fiction. I have sought to make sense of his nonsense and dropped my need to understand him as I’ve struggled to find my one true self beneath the debris of his torturous ride through my life.
And I have survived.
I have stood up tall while the sky was falling down around me. I have turned sour grapes into the heady bouquet of sunlit days of wine and roses. I have uncovered lies. Torn away the darkness and peeled back time to find my truth within me. I have been drawn by courage to face my own culpability in all that happened. I have faced my fears and asked for forgiveness. I have forgiven and been forgiven. I have asked for strength and found the truth of who I am. For in the end, truth has overcome his lies. Triumph surpassed the tragedy of his abuse.
In the years since his arrest, escape from prison, stalking and subsequent re-confinement to eventual release I have ridden the rollercoaster of my emotions, sometimes confident in my knowledge that I would be okay, sometimes terrified I would never find myself again, never know peace of mind. Yet, through it all, I have breathed gratefully into the joy of being free. Of the gift of living without his lies poisoning my mind, without his deceit blurring my vision and undermining my belief in who I am. I have embraced the truth that I deserve so much more in life than him. I deserve all of this I have today, and everything better.
It has been a journey of self-discovery. A voyage into the wonder of being me, in all my laughter, tears and fears and sorrow. It has been a journey into self-acceptance, forgiveness, humility and self-examination. And through it all, it has been a journey of love. A journey of knowing, this is my one and only life. It is up to me to make it a life worth living. A worthwhile life. A life of joy and laughter. Love and beauty. It’s up to me in how I live it up — or let it slip away. It’s up to me to be all that I am meant to be, dancing in the light of my beauty, warts and all.
It is the greatest gift of that relationship — the wonder of knowing me. Of knowing I am okay, exactly the way I am. That I have all I ever need, or want, or desire, right here within me. That I am free to love without fear, to laugh without tears, to cry and spill my heart out. To walk away or walk into open arms knowing, no matter their embrace, I will be okay. Because I am a woman of worth. A woman alive. An enlivened woman, dancing in the rain, splashing through puddles, leaping for joy at thunder crashing and lightning flashing. I am okay, however I am, whomever I’m with, because I have me, myself and I. Fearless. Uncompromising. Honest. Caring. Kind. Beauty and the beast. Yin and yang. Sunlight and sunset. Dark and light. And always loving.
In my journey from the darkness of those days where I believed his lies and abuse were all that I deserved, I have learned to accept myself, just the way I am. To let go of regret and to give into hope. To let go of anger and fall into truth. To let go of fear and surrender to love.
I have learned that the past is only a memory — and I decide its value in my life today. That what someone does to me is nothing compared to what I do with my experience. That someone else’s lies are not my truth, unless I choose to believe them. That there is beauty in this world around me. That I can trust myself to know the difference between false hope and honest possibilities. I have learned that I have courage, that I can stand up and turn up for me without fear of falling under someone else’s assertions I am too weak, or stupid, or short or tall or fat or skinny.
I have learned that I am not measured by my past, but by how I move through each moment of today. I decide if I create harmony or discord. Love or hatred. I have learned that each step I take is determined by the foundation under me — and I create that foundation with every breath, thought, word, action I take.
I have learned that I am me. Unique. Special. Magnificent. A human being of immense worth. A wondrous, luminous child of God. Filled with the greatness of my human being. Capable of falling down and courageous enough to stand back up and take another step and another and then another. My journey is not measured in the falls I take. It is built upon the hands I reach out, the steps I build towards creating my higher ground where I become my best me yet. My journey is measured in the love I give and receive.
I have learned that being me, perfectly human in all my imperfections, is the greatest gift I can give. I have learned to create value in all things in my world. My value is in everything I do. In how I treat myself and those I love and the world around me. My value is not measured against what I have. It is created in who I am in this world of wonder when I live this precious life in the rapture of now, without fear that I am not enough.
I am enough. Just the way I am.
Way to go, Twice betrayed! Im so happy for you! You sound so much happier and more confident. Isnt LF great beyond belief? We help each other up if we fall, we never judge each other, were there for each other. I remember you had a Narcopath ex, plus NS kids. Its very hard, but ,like you Im geting better by the day. Oxy, Cathy and all of you are right, NC is the only way to go. I know if I ring my daughter Ill be back on the same old treadmill, me giving, {usually money,} and her taking. Its like the saying,”I have aperfect give and take relationship with my kids, I give, and they take.!”
Now that David and I have our wonderful new “adopted” adult kids, we see how starved of love and affection weve been for basically 25 years.Its so lovely to be hugged, kissed, and made to feel special! Its lovely to be appreciated! I was so hesitant to ask Abbas to do a bit of gardening for me, but he said, “Mum, please let me do it! I love gardening! Id do anything for you and dad!” Then I realised, normal people NEED and WANT to give you something back, not just be “takers” like my two are.I havent seen D since 10th Dec. 2008, and I dont miss her. Nor do I miss the “walking on eggshells, the sinking feeling in the stomach, the horrible feeling Ive been used and conned,{again,} the worry about her finances, etc.Since I told her “the Mum bank is closed, permanently,” I havent heard a peep from her. Nor has she honoured my 2 boundaries, one being to apologise,{only once} for all the horrible things shes done to me. This is very unlikely to happen, so I have to be prepared for the fact I cant see or contact her again. Its very hard not to be sucked into my usual guilt patterns.Then I remind myself, “She doesnt give a rats behind about me, Im only a cash-cow to her.” When malignant worry and guilt start to paralyse, me,
I have to “talk” to myself, and remind myself how very little I matter to either of my girls.
Well, Twice Betrayed, I now have a new role model. 🙂 I’m so glad to hear it’s not horrible to enjoy the attentions of younger men. I mean, men date younger women, but we always seem to have a double standard–it makes us cougars. Men who date young women are just….men.
Stargazer… Hi 🙂 So good to hear from you! You’re right, they are just… men! HAVE FUN!!! Be careful (oops, my Mother’s voice just came out of my mouth, LOL).
Before I divorced my substance abuse/ abuser first husband, I was living in a nice home and at the time, we had some money. That was not important to me anymore. I had to get out and start a new life. Then came the S that “swept me off my feet”. I was vulnerable and he could have won an Oscar for his performance. After a short marriage and my money disappearing from both husbands, I am having a very difficult time of it. Still, I have been trying to see the positives of getting away from the destructive forces that these men are, but what I am having a hard time with is the insensitive remarks that can come out of so called “friends” and even family’s mouths. Remarks such as ” you are the one who was responsible for what happened to you”, or “you should have known better”. My favorite of late by a friend of the family, was: ” God will forgive you for your mistakes”.
My reply was, “so I suppose you think that a rape victim was to blame for her rape?” She said that in a way, but that what I did was different. I got mixed up with the wrong men, and that I have to take responsibility and quit blaming them!
I have not spoken with her since, but how can people be so cruel and insensitive? Yes, I married two men, the first for 24 yrs. and the second for ten weeks before fleeing.
I am trying to pull myself up, but the financial blows are crushing me. I actually have bill collectors from bills that were supposed to have been payed off after my first divorce, but my ex didn’t pay them.
Sometimes I feel so hopeless. I would love to be able to feel happy and free but I can’t because they stole everything I had, my money, yes, but most importantly, my spirit and self esteem.
geminigirl,
Thank you for your well wishes and encouragement! You are kind and everyone here is very uplifting and I do love being here with kin! You know, what these P people do to our self esteem is just awful. I was so down for so long…feeling old and believing all the crap he told me. How I was not young any more. No, I am not a teen anymore…but neither is he. But, that does not mean I cannot still be an attractive person. That’s when I looked at Christie Brinkley and said: hey, she’s not young either age wise…but she still looks good. I can do it too. I will work on myself and be the best I can be and to heck with him.
I am so glad you have some new ‘kids’. I do have NP kids. Very into themselves and it’s all about them. I can let the two older ones go on….really got burned with them when my PX deserted me three years ago and I needed help…and they would not even answer the phone. My daughter by him was the only one to help me some. She is the one with the granddaughter….and this bothers me. It’s do it her way or I don’t get to see my gd. Now this is upsetting to me. I have not worked out a solution to this….at all.
I do understand how that hurts….my younger one can be nice to me sometimes and I believe she is the only one that would really cry if I croaked. 😉 My other two would be fighting over my estate. I got news for them…..I’ve left it all to my granddaughter in trust. 🙂
Stargazer: you go girl! Heck, age is just a number. I don’t see anything wrong with going with or marrying younger men. I mean, who wants some old dude with broken plumbing to marry? Ahahahahaha! Not me!
Look at it this way: these P Xs have called us everything in the book …..so, hey, cougar ain’t so bad. AHAHAHA! Keep us posted on this….I like this. 🙂
jfog1: Yeah. I can relate to that too. I had to reconcile with PX for two years till I could stash back enough money to split. Even then I got stuck with some bills.
Your self esteem….I understand. Boy, we all do. On page 137 in Sandra Brown’s and Dr. Leedom’s book: Women Who Love Psychopaths….it says: “It is hard to fathom but the psychopath’s goal is to succeed in controlling and destroying a woman, and is not to have a successful relationship with her.” I bookmarked this and read it daily. Keep that thought in your mind and you will understand the why and you already know the how. When you keep your focus on this and began to work on being good to you and doing for you [this means cutting certain people out of your life including those that bring you down….we all make mistakes so don’t let anyone pass judgement on you-avoid them at least until you feel stronger anyway]. Yeah, my older daughter always brought me down with statements like these and she loved to hurl co-dependent at me……….and then after the divorce I found out she was having a 28 year affair with my Px. All my marriage behind my back…..so the moral to that is: watch out who is giving you those words and see what is under their porch. 😉 Awwww, please don’t accept that crap…………..I know I did it too….but I don’t any longer. It got to life/death with me….and life won out. I will not let these people defeat me. I am a survivor and so are you!!!!! If you weren’t you would not be here. :):):)
jfog1, dear dear j, your self esteem and spirit are still there inside you!!! You just have to battle it out everyday with that little voice in you head that tears you apart (I call that the ego, after reading Eckhart Tolle’s book “A New Awakening’). You just tell that little voice to SHUT UP!! Start telling yourself you are happy and free, if you feel a negative thought coming up say NO NEGATIVE THOUGHTS!!! I tormented myself with bad thoughts my entire life, i.e. “I’m fat and ugly (over and over and over I said that to my self). Well the “I” part of me doesn’t listen to that “self” part (ego) anymore, I’m in charge, I’ll think what I want! It’s a daily battle, but worth it. I look in the mirror now and say “I’m fabulous!” I can think whatever I want so it may as well be good thoughts, positive affirmations, I always thought they were stupid, but they work.
Donna wrote an article about talking about sociopaths to friends and family, and she just posted the link on a thread earlier today or yesterday… here it is… I hope it helps, I haven’t told my friends or family everything, they don’t understand and would probably say cruel and insensitive things like you are hearing, I can’t deal with it.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/09/08/how-to-talk-to-friends-and-family-about-sociopaths/
Oh, excellent article. I, for one, appreciate this. I credit Sandra Brown and Dr. Leedom for being my ‘guts, understanding, and validation to walk out. Their book gave me exactly what I needed to resolve the issue in my mind. Of course, the rest is a painful journey but each day gets better and better. And once free……your life is just reborn. It’s been a long, hard road….but I would not go back under that bondage for ‘love’ nor money. I sleep like a baby finally…:) [had a lot of nightmares…for a long time]. Thank you Sandra Brown, Dr. Leedom and my one good friend [that had also been married to a P so they understood] for being my support system! You are really my family. 🙂
Dear Twice Betrayed and shabbychic,
Thank you for your words of encouragement and advice.
Twice Betrayed, I see why you have your blog name! How horrible! I cannot imagine anyone’s daughter doing that to their mother.
shabbychic, I have thought that I was “too ugly”, “not acceptable or good enough”, because if you are told that enough, you believe it. That is why, I think, that I was so eager to believe and was so easily sucked in by my P.
Now I feel worse than I did before. I had lost weight since my first marriage ( my first husband thought I was fat) Then after I married the P, I was called “skinny minny”, tiny t….,
boney a.. . I am sure you get the picture. My mother tells the guests at our inn that we run about my failed marriages, and that I am anorexic. I am not! My family occasionally makes comments about my taking antidepressants and how they would never do that.
I think that I have overcome a great deal, but I don’t know if I can ever regain my financial independence or my self esteem, the latter of which was never great.
I don’t mean to whine, I just wonder how all of you are overcoming the pain and trauma. Are you ever able to trust again?
Thank you