It has been just over six years since the man who promised to love me ”˜til death do us part (and took the ”˜til death part way too seriously) was arrested. In the intervening years, I have grown and healed and cried and slipped and stood and leaped and wrestled with truth versus fiction. I have sought to make sense of his nonsense and dropped my need to understand him as I’ve struggled to find my one true self beneath the debris of his torturous ride through my life.
And I have survived.
I have stood up tall while the sky was falling down around me. I have turned sour grapes into the heady bouquet of sunlit days of wine and roses. I have uncovered lies. Torn away the darkness and peeled back time to find my truth within me. I have been drawn by courage to face my own culpability in all that happened. I have faced my fears and asked for forgiveness. I have forgiven and been forgiven. I have asked for strength and found the truth of who I am. For in the end, truth has overcome his lies. Triumph surpassed the tragedy of his abuse.
In the years since his arrest, escape from prison, stalking and subsequent re-confinement to eventual release I have ridden the rollercoaster of my emotions, sometimes confident in my knowledge that I would be okay, sometimes terrified I would never find myself again, never know peace of mind. Yet, through it all, I have breathed gratefully into the joy of being free. Of the gift of living without his lies poisoning my mind, without his deceit blurring my vision and undermining my belief in who I am. I have embraced the truth that I deserve so much more in life than him. I deserve all of this I have today, and everything better.
It has been a journey of self-discovery. A voyage into the wonder of being me, in all my laughter, tears and fears and sorrow. It has been a journey into self-acceptance, forgiveness, humility and self-examination. And through it all, it has been a journey of love. A journey of knowing, this is my one and only life. It is up to me to make it a life worth living. A worthwhile life. A life of joy and laughter. Love and beauty. It’s up to me in how I live it up — or let it slip away. It’s up to me to be all that I am meant to be, dancing in the light of my beauty, warts and all.
It is the greatest gift of that relationship — the wonder of knowing me. Of knowing I am okay, exactly the way I am. That I have all I ever need, or want, or desire, right here within me. That I am free to love without fear, to laugh without tears, to cry and spill my heart out. To walk away or walk into open arms knowing, no matter their embrace, I will be okay. Because I am a woman of worth. A woman alive. An enlivened woman, dancing in the rain, splashing through puddles, leaping for joy at thunder crashing and lightning flashing. I am okay, however I am, whomever I’m with, because I have me, myself and I. Fearless. Uncompromising. Honest. Caring. Kind. Beauty and the beast. Yin and yang. Sunlight and sunset. Dark and light. And always loving.
In my journey from the darkness of those days where I believed his lies and abuse were all that I deserved, I have learned to accept myself, just the way I am. To let go of regret and to give into hope. To let go of anger and fall into truth. To let go of fear and surrender to love.
I have learned that the past is only a memory — and I decide its value in my life today. That what someone does to me is nothing compared to what I do with my experience. That someone else’s lies are not my truth, unless I choose to believe them. That there is beauty in this world around me. That I can trust myself to know the difference between false hope and honest possibilities. I have learned that I have courage, that I can stand up and turn up for me without fear of falling under someone else’s assertions I am too weak, or stupid, or short or tall or fat or skinny.
I have learned that I am not measured by my past, but by how I move through each moment of today. I decide if I create harmony or discord. Love or hatred. I have learned that each step I take is determined by the foundation under me — and I create that foundation with every breath, thought, word, action I take.
I have learned that I am me. Unique. Special. Magnificent. A human being of immense worth. A wondrous, luminous child of God. Filled with the greatness of my human being. Capable of falling down and courageous enough to stand back up and take another step and another and then another. My journey is not measured in the falls I take. It is built upon the hands I reach out, the steps I build towards creating my higher ground where I become my best me yet. My journey is measured in the love I give and receive.
I have learned that being me, perfectly human in all my imperfections, is the greatest gift I can give. I have learned to create value in all things in my world. My value is in everything I do. In how I treat myself and those I love and the world around me. My value is not measured against what I have. It is created in who I am in this world of wonder when I live this precious life in the rapture of now, without fear that I am not enough.
I am enough. Just the way I am.
jfog1… can you take your mother aside and ask her not to talk to the guests about your marriages and eating habits? That really made me mad when I read about that. Do you have to approach her in a certain way? I think if I was a guest I would have that same reaction, anger at this stranger for talking about her daughter, how inappropriate, and I wouldn’t really care to hear about it and I would think she is boorish, rude and stupid. Sorry, I’m a little pissed off about it. Why is she trying to hurt you like that?
The names we were called, we don’t have to believe them any more, they were never true. I look back at pictures of myself when I was much younger and I can’t believe how pretty I looked, I wasted all those years thinking I was ugly, well, I’m not ugly. I think it all began in grade school. The p’s lie about everything, don’t they? Don’t you think he was just trying to manipulate you and make you feel bad about yourself? Are you going to believe those lies the rest of your life just because of him? NO!!!!
Let your family make remarks about the antidepressents, who gives a shit? Let it roll off your back. They all sound like they are picking on you for something, what’s up with that? Are they all so perfect that they have to turn on you? NO!!
You have to make your self esteem great… all by yourself, keep those positive thoughts going, thinking we’re not enough is what got us into trouble before, willing to settle for crumbs, I’m not doing it anymore.
I still work on the pain and trauma on a daily basis. I still get struck on the why, why, why, how, how, how stuff, but I’m working on it. I guess I’ll have to learn how to let people “earn my trust” which is an expression I have heard many times here on LF.
I don’t think you sounded like you were whining, you’re just asking a question and putting some of your feelings down in words, something you can do freely here at LF without being put down, we all do it, if that’s whining, then I do it constantly!! LOL
Trust… do others have some advice about this?
Fog…..yeah, I am twice betrayed. It almost killed me literally. I feel God has given me another chance.
I can tell you that if at all possible it’s best to avoid these people who make these awful comments. Many just have anger/problems in their own lives that they disguise and dump on you. And when we come out of these toxic relationships our nerves and self esteem are shot. One hard look and we crumble. We are blown. So: if at all possible avoid as many of these people as you can…even if they are your own family. If it is at all in your power better to remove yourself. If you have a room go there. I had a brother like your mom and he is what blew me out in childhood and set the stage for me to become a victim to the P males anyway. Shattered my self esteem. Made me feel so bad for being a female. Now that I am older and out of this crap….I understand just a WHOLE lot of WHY! There is always a WHY and one answer is: because they are just cruel people-[and usually have some pretty tough issues they are sweeping under the rug]. Hard to face in a loved one……Dang, I feel like your mom needs some counseling to understand how to help someone that has been traumatized and/or suffering from PTSD from all the abuse.
Sandra Brown has a website that does counseling and workshops. You can find help there. http://www.saferelationships.com
Trust: hmmmm, not that far yet. I don’t trust. [But, we don’t need to trust like we used to do.] I just cannot deal with the male sexuality. As for me: I may never marry again. I don’t even date. Burned.
Fog… Hi and welcome. I don’t comment much but when I read your post I wanted to share something with you.
I have an older sister who belittles me. Or did. She is out of my life now. One day, I went with her to open up the establishment that she worked at. One of my old High School teachers came in and we said hi and he asked me what I had been up to all these years. 30+ years. My sister yells over the whole place~ “Well, tell him how you’ve been married 3 times! And blah, blah, blah. I have been in very abusive relationships in the past. Haven’t been married for 11 years. Anyway, I was embarrassed and pissed off. So when I went to my counselor, I asked her how to handle it. She said that I should counter her comment with something like this-” You know Marie, I’ve had a lot of accomplishments in my life and I wonder why you have to focus on the negative”. Also, she told me that I should tell her in private that I don’t appreciate her airing my “dirty laundry” in public. I hope this gives you some help. Don’t allow them to focus on your problems so that they don’t have to think of THEIR OWN misgivings.
As for the trust, when you figure that one out let me know, cuz I don’t have trust in anyone anymore.
Psyciatry is not a science!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqJhWG1aSVQ&feature=channel
Jfog1, TwiceBetrayed, 2Much2Take, & anyone else with trust issues,
Being able to trust is tricky for me, too. But, I have always said that I would rather be hurt again than to be closed-off and suspicious of everyone for the rest of my life.
Not trusting or loving is not living, to me.
Have you read Kathleen Hawk’s article, “After the Sociopath: How Do We Heal? Part 11-Trust”? (June 21, 2009)
Here is a piece from that article, where she makes an analogy of trust to that of an “extension cord from the heart”:
“For readers who are not anywhere near ready to feel powerful about their choices, here is a simple rule you can use until you are. Guard your trust as though it were an extension cord from your heart. Don’t give it away to anyone you don’t firmly believe deserves it. And be prepared to unplug the cord at a moment’s notice. You can always plug it back in again, if you’ve made a mistake by unplugging it. No one who really cares (or is capable of caring) about you will mind you taking care of yourself. But your trust in other people and in the world should be a conduit for good into your life. That’s what it is for. If it brings anything else, don’t think twice. Unplug it.”
I hope this helps, even if it is just a little.
Footnote to the above:
I am willing to be hurt again. But I will NEVER be a FOOL again.
jfog,
It’s possible your family members are narcissist. The narc parent doesn’t want to see their children do better than they did – they envy their own children. Doesn’t want to give up control, so they sabotage their children’s self-esteem. This can be done in several insidious ways, including: helping you in everything as if you can’t do it as well as they can, telling you how difficult life is going to be for you, focusing on your past mistakes as evidence of that, etc…
My suggestion is to play the dumb card. Act like you agree. Pretend to be as pathetic as they say you are. But secretly, begin to build your successes outside of their knowledge, so that they can’t sabatoge or create doubts in you.
Trust? one day I was walking in a mall and was accosted by a sales girl selling the dead sea salt line of body products. She talked me into spending $80 by being soooo nice and offering me her OWN employee discount, because she liked me so much. For a moment, as she was ringing up the purchase, I started to change my mind. Her mask slipped for an instant, I saw a dark cloud of anger and then the angelic face came back on. Iwas confused. I paid and left. At home I googled the deadsea line of products to see if I had really gotten a good deal. I found out that these supposedly “Israeli” sales people are just conning everyone with their stories. They are well known for their tactics, but I fell for it because she was so “nice”. Her performance was oscar worthy.
So, I guess the answer is, enjoy the “nice” people you meet, but wait until you’ve seen them in various situations before you put your trust or money in them. Watch for that mask to slip. If you get a feeling of confusion, that’s your sign. Normal people don’t leave you feeling confused.
i remember the first valentine’s card i gave the P, it went something like this….’am i just a toy in your game of perversion…’ it was supposed to be cute……….little did i know how it would all play out. very sick.
Rosa: Thanks for the info on trust! I may one day plug in again. Dunno. I am very happy now just having male friends to go to dinner/movies/shows etc. with. As I said: cannot deal with the male sexuality.
Just when the catepillar though the world was over, it became a butterfly…
is a Proverb. I thought it was an anonymous quote. I’m drinking coffee out of a mug with that saying on it. It is comforting to me.
I’m making life happen. Happiness is within me. I am undoing so many of those negative/impossible/ridiculous messages I learned growing up.
I have decided to be “loving” instead of looking to “be in love” or “fall in love.” I want to be loving in everything I do. And especially towards me.
So…I’m getting ready to take my first solo vacation–a hiking trip to the west. That’ll be good training for my next vacation–my dream trip plus…next year I’m traveling to Tibet and Nepal–I’ll be going solo (but with an organized group).
While I would love to be someone’s charming traveling companion, I’ll just have to be my own charming traveling companion. Why wait? At least I know the company I’ll be keeping!
While I may feel somewhat lonely at times, I know that is better than being with someone whose company is toxic to my soul.
Osho says “love is the nourishment of the soul.” So, I’m going to nourish my soul…and when some man comes along and tries to sweep me off my feet then I’ll trust my innermost personal experience to guide me. That’s where I am now. Focusing on me. Getting into me. That is against everything I was taught to do.
Of course…I mean this in a non-narcissistic way! lol…
Namaste