It has been just over six years since the man who promised to love me ”˜til death do us part (and took the ”˜til death part way too seriously) was arrested. In the intervening years, I have grown and healed and cried and slipped and stood and leaped and wrestled with truth versus fiction. I have sought to make sense of his nonsense and dropped my need to understand him as I’ve struggled to find my one true self beneath the debris of his torturous ride through my life.
And I have survived.
I have stood up tall while the sky was falling down around me. I have turned sour grapes into the heady bouquet of sunlit days of wine and roses. I have uncovered lies. Torn away the darkness and peeled back time to find my truth within me. I have been drawn by courage to face my own culpability in all that happened. I have faced my fears and asked for forgiveness. I have forgiven and been forgiven. I have asked for strength and found the truth of who I am. For in the end, truth has overcome his lies. Triumph surpassed the tragedy of his abuse.
In the years since his arrest, escape from prison, stalking and subsequent re-confinement to eventual release I have ridden the rollercoaster of my emotions, sometimes confident in my knowledge that I would be okay, sometimes terrified I would never find myself again, never know peace of mind. Yet, through it all, I have breathed gratefully into the joy of being free. Of the gift of living without his lies poisoning my mind, without his deceit blurring my vision and undermining my belief in who I am. I have embraced the truth that I deserve so much more in life than him. I deserve all of this I have today, and everything better.
It has been a journey of self-discovery. A voyage into the wonder of being me, in all my laughter, tears and fears and sorrow. It has been a journey into self-acceptance, forgiveness, humility and self-examination. And through it all, it has been a journey of love. A journey of knowing, this is my one and only life. It is up to me to make it a life worth living. A worthwhile life. A life of joy and laughter. Love and beauty. It’s up to me in how I live it up — or let it slip away. It’s up to me to be all that I am meant to be, dancing in the light of my beauty, warts and all.
It is the greatest gift of that relationship — the wonder of knowing me. Of knowing I am okay, exactly the way I am. That I have all I ever need, or want, or desire, right here within me. That I am free to love without fear, to laugh without tears, to cry and spill my heart out. To walk away or walk into open arms knowing, no matter their embrace, I will be okay. Because I am a woman of worth. A woman alive. An enlivened woman, dancing in the rain, splashing through puddles, leaping for joy at thunder crashing and lightning flashing. I am okay, however I am, whomever I’m with, because I have me, myself and I. Fearless. Uncompromising. Honest. Caring. Kind. Beauty and the beast. Yin and yang. Sunlight and sunset. Dark and light. And always loving.
In my journey from the darkness of those days where I believed his lies and abuse were all that I deserved, I have learned to accept myself, just the way I am. To let go of regret and to give into hope. To let go of anger and fall into truth. To let go of fear and surrender to love.
I have learned that the past is only a memory — and I decide its value in my life today. That what someone does to me is nothing compared to what I do with my experience. That someone else’s lies are not my truth, unless I choose to believe them. That there is beauty in this world around me. That I can trust myself to know the difference between false hope and honest possibilities. I have learned that I have courage, that I can stand up and turn up for me without fear of falling under someone else’s assertions I am too weak, or stupid, or short or tall or fat or skinny.
I have learned that I am not measured by my past, but by how I move through each moment of today. I decide if I create harmony or discord. Love or hatred. I have learned that each step I take is determined by the foundation under me — and I create that foundation with every breath, thought, word, action I take.
I have learned that I am me. Unique. Special. Magnificent. A human being of immense worth. A wondrous, luminous child of God. Filled with the greatness of my human being. Capable of falling down and courageous enough to stand back up and take another step and another and then another. My journey is not measured in the falls I take. It is built upon the hands I reach out, the steps I build towards creating my higher ground where I become my best me yet. My journey is measured in the love I give and receive.
I have learned that being me, perfectly human in all my imperfections, is the greatest gift I can give. I have learned to create value in all things in my world. My value is in everything I do. In how I treat myself and those I love and the world around me. My value is not measured against what I have. It is created in who I am in this world of wonder when I live this precious life in the rapture of now, without fear that I am not enough.
I am enough. Just the way I am.
Rosa: Thank you for the information re: a plug from the heart. It’s a good visualization to put into practice.
Wow Morgan!!! GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!! Very impressive!!! You go!
There is an old saying here “It is impossible to put a cat on a hot stove and ever again get him to jump up on a cold one”
When I was a kid it took me a long time to figure out that one, but if you have been “burned” by a hot stove you know it LOOKS JUST LIKE A COLD ONE, especially I would think to a CAT. So if that cat has jumped on to a hot one, he will never trust ANY stove, hot or cold. He was burned badly enough that he “learned his lesson.”
We too, like that cat, jumped on a “hot stove” that didn’t appear (at least at first) to be the potential for a BAD BURN, so we become un-trusting, or even DIS-trusting of any potential partner.
I’m like rosa, I don’t want to lose the ability to TRUST, but I am no longer jumping into ANY relationship, especially not a new one, with BOTH FEET until I have tested the waters.
Yesterday I was going to the doctor, so was taking a bath before I left home and since I was in a hurry, I ran the bath water as I igathered my clean clothes. But knowing the fact that my water temp here at the house is sometimes inconsistent, before I jumped into that bathtub of water, I put a TOE into the water first…OUCH! It was WAY TOO HOT. But I saved myself an uncomfortable time, if not a burn, by TESTING the waters first with just my toe.
I am doing the same thing with relationships. I am putting my emotional TOE into the “water” which I can’t just look at and tell if it is a potential BURN or not. If the water was hote enough I might actually get a blister on my toe, but I will not have “risked” my ENTIRE BODY, my entire emotional life in the process.
A while back I had a new person come into my life (friend not romantic relationship) and I held back trust from this person until I had put my “toe” inito the emotional waters for a while. Before too long I saw that I just might not want to get into that “water” emotionally with that person, that they might actually burn me. Sure enough, before too long, I SAW the problems in this relationship and that I could NOT trust this person in some small issues, then more small issues, then I came to my conclusion that this person was NOT WHAT THEY WERE PRETENDING TO BE—too many inconsistencies, too many “small” things.
In the past, I would have “excused” these behaviors of theirs, would have “glossed over” this as “just a small thing.” but the old saying “give them an INCH, and they will take a MILE” is so true.
I have learned to be CAUTIOUS especially with “new” people in my life and not get too emotionally involved with them until they have been “vetted” by watching their behaviors under varied conditions, over a PERIOD OF TIME, no matter how funny, smart, attractive, or initeresting they are. As I watch them (behaviors not just listening to words) I look for the “small things” that given time can be progressive boundary crossing. I note these things down in a mental notebook for later reference.
Not everyone I don’t want to be intimately involved with as a friend, etc. is a psychopath, some are just ordinary “jerks” but whatever, I don’t want them intimately in my life.
I’ve started dating again after four years of not dating, and it feels totally different now than it did when I started dating my X-BF who was a flaming P. At the time I started dating him I felt HONORED that he would want to date me. Now, I don’t have that needy feeling, in fact, this guy is seemingly a nice man, but whether he knows it or not, HE IS HONORED I would even go out with him. I no longer have the feeling that if this “doesn’t work out” that I will be destitute of love or lonely forever in my old age.
He is NOT the “last bus,” but even if he were, I would prefer to walk alone than to get on a dangerous, out of control bus careening down hill with a mad man for a driver. I don’t want to ever again put my happiness and safety into anyone else’s hands. If I share my journey with someone intimately, it will be just that, a SHARED JOURNEY, and not with someone in CONTROL of me.
Oxy! Hear, Hear!!!
My first PX hub showed back up into my life via facebook. He was all ready to talk and resume where we left off years ago. [had the spin going!] Nope….this time I don’t have time/room for him in my life. Don’t want the drama, control and to kiss and groom another dang P male. He was shocked beyond words….sent me an email that said: you know where I am if you ever change your mind. I said: look at the window and if you ever see hell freeze over….I will contact you. 😉
I also don’t want some wuss that follows around nipping at my heels. Keep that too. If they cannot have their own personality w/o sucking off mine….I cannot deal with it. I just don’t have any more blood to give….all given out.
It still amazes me how these dysfunctionals actually believe they can keep coming in and out of our lives whenever it suits them, until infinity. The audacity and shamelessness of these types is truly staggering.
I guess that’s where the boundaries come in handy, right?
Dear Twice,
You know relationships take work and energy and TIME….and before with my P XBF, I DEVOTED ALL MY ENERGY AND TIME TO THE RELATIONSHIP. If eh was here it was ALL about him. If he was gone, I was THINKING about him. I waited by the phone for him to call, if he didn’t call I was downcast, if he did, I was on the top of the moon. typical “teen aged girl with her first BF” type of thing. It ALL depended on HIM if I was UP or DOWN. On cloud 9, or in the Pits!
Now, I am honestly thinking if I have enough “time” to devote to a relationship at all. If I really even want one. I have thought if a good chance came along I might enjoy that relationship, but at the same time, I am as “independent as a hog on ice” as my grandfather used to say. I go where I will when I will and do what I want when I want it and don’t have to consider anyone else.
My marriage of 20 years (before my husband was killed in an accident) was good. Not perfect by any means, but GOOD. Content, settled, respectful of each other. Comforting to each other. And, yes, that has some GREAT advantages. BUT, it also takes work and time and making time for the relationship itself. Is it worth it? Not sure right now. But I know that if this one, or the next opportunity, doesn’t work out, I WILL STIL BE OKAY. I do NOT feel I “have” to have a relationship with a man to make myself “complete.” I am just FINE like I am.
My late husband and I each had our “own things” and then we had “our things” that we did together. We supported each other in the things we did as individuals, but we tried to make time for each other as well. It worked for us. I can[‘t imagine now having ALL of my time, thoughts, and so on tied up in ONE person, but a SHARED life is a good thing, so if it works fine, if not, fine, too or if we just become good friends and “running buddies” that is okay too. I’m not “in to” the “friends with benefits” (which I think is what the kids call a sexual friendship) thing, because I know that I “bond” to whoever I am sleeping with, and to me, a sexual relationship should be a “committed one” —that, and the RISK of diseases that “penicillin won’t cure” –all work together to keep me celebate unless I am in a committed relationship.
I’m glad, Twice that you weren’t “tempted” to take him up on his grand “offer” LOL ROTFLMAO Good decision I think!!!!! (((hugs))))
Twice…..GREAT example for all of us. I pasted that into a document to save!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oxy, same for your attitude!
I saved the bus story, wonderful analogy! Thank you Oxy! thank you, thank you , thank you!
Oxy! I am so glad you had a good go at it the first time! I’ve never had that in my life. The toads I’ve kissed became bigger toads instead of princes. 😛
I agree regarding sex/commitment.
Thanks for the support, Oxy! You are priceless! 🙂
justabouthealed: Thanks for your support also!
Rosa: yeah, we all have personal rights….and that includes us!