It was just a simple text message, “He’s a liar”. At the time of its arrival on her cellphone, Sarah* didn’t know its value. But, as the days unfolded and the story of his deceit was revealed, that little text message became a miracle. A gift from God. A sign from the angels that her life was about to change, radically, for the better.
When I first spoke with her, she couldn’t see the miracle of that text message. She could only feel its pain. She couldn’t see the gift of knowledge it presented or the freedom it represented. She didn’t want to see it was a gift for a better future. She wanted his love to be true. She wanted him to be true. She wanted time to rewind and take her back to time before the text message arrived, to time before everything went wrong.
“It’s all my fault,” she said. “If only I had….” And then, she listed of the hundred things she could have done differently to keep his love true.
“There is nothing you could have done differently that would have changed him,” I told her. “Tall. Short. Fat. Skinny. Blond. Brunette. Green eyes. Blue eyes. Fair-skinned. Dark-skinned. You could have dyed your hair pink and stood on your head spitting nickles. There is nothing you could have done to change him or make his love true. He is the lie.”
And that’s the challenge of loving a narcissist or a sociopath. There is nothing we can do to change who they are and what they’re doing. Lies are the lifeblood of their trade. They are subject matter experts in human manipulation and they spend their lives honing their craft. They don’t care if they hurt people. People are the fridges of their supply. Open the door, take out what you need and close it until you need more. Keeping their victims chilling on ice is part of their game. Keeping their victims locked up, their minds frozen over ponds of fear and disbelief, that is what they need to ensure the victim doesn’t see the light of their betrayal. They do what they want, get what they need however they can because what they want is all that counts.
For Sarah, the pain of his betrayal has left her reeling. They met when she was eighteen. He was three years older. A fireman. Tall. Strong. Silent. He’s had over five years to weave his web of lies around her, in and out of her psyche. He’s had five years to contort reality, distort perceptions and distend her belief in herself into a bloated bladder of vile pus oozing with self-deprecation and disbelief.
And now she must heal.
“Why would he do this? He said he loved me? Why? Why? Why?” she asked as every woman and man asks when awakened to the truth of their lies.
“Because he can. Because he must. Because he does. It’s what he does. It’s who he is,” I told her. “Lies are like breathing to him. Protecting his ego at all costs is his purpose and in his mind, there is no higher purpose, no greater calling. It is all he can do.”
For Sarah, facing the truth is a raw, jagged journey through the minefield of the past where he gave her the ‘gift’ of his love and wrapped her up in the invibisble bonds of terror of his lies.
Sarah is lucky. That text message arrived two months before they were to share their vows. Two months before they made a commitment to love each other, ’til death do us part.
“Your love was true, Sarah. “I told her as we sat in her parents living room, the dining room table covered in spread sheets and bank statements. Her mother and father have been unravelling the financial nightmare of his deceit. It’s something tangible, factual that they can hang onto. What they don’t know how to do is bring her peace of mind. Ease the burden of the truth she must face in order to heal.
“Your love was true. His was always the lie. There is no truth in anything he said. No truth in telling you you’re beautiful to telling you you’re ugly. There is no truth in his ‘I love you’ and no truth in his ‘I hate you’. He does not contain the truth. You do. And the truth is, he has betrayed you. He has hurt you and you can never say good-bye.”
“But I want to say good-bye,” she wailed. “I want to tell him how much he hurt me. How this has harmed me.”
“The only good-bye will be the slamming of door when you go back to the house to pack up your things. When you leave, slam the door and know, that is the most deadening sound he will ever hear. It is the only sound you ever want to give him.”
“I have to go pick up my wedding dress this week. He’s paying me back for all the wedding expenses. He wants the dress.”
“Good,” I said. “After you get the money, and if it’s a cheque make sure it clears the bank, give him back the dress. But first, take out your scapbooking scissors and cut it up into a thousand pieces.”
“But I promised to return the dress,” she said.
“And you will be returning the dress. Nobody said anything about what shape it had to be in.”
She looked at me, her gentle blue eyes opened wide with surprised. For the first time since we began talking two hours before, she smiled. “Ah, now that would be sweet revenge.” She paused and laughed, her eyes lighting up, “I’ll do it!”
Yes, she will do it. She will heal and grow and recover and reclaim what was lost. And in that journey she will embrace the miracle of the text message that saved her life from growing darker and darker as she began to fade into the weave of a narcissist’s lies blocking the light from penetrating her mind.
Miracles are free.
In the gift of their arrival, grace descends as we open up to the truth of their revelations. With grace, we are invited to slip into the healing waters of love so that we can set ourselves free of lies and deception and dance with joy, in harmony with the truth around us. Miracles are free and so are we.
*Not her real name.
This post really hit home. “He is a liar” says it all.
For a long time I felt if I had done something differently maybe he would change. Maybe there was something lacking in our relationship that made him turn to other women.
I finally realized that it wasn’t me. It was a need to feed his ego that made it necessary for him to have a harem of female “friends”. He has had this parasitic relationship for more than 20 years with his godson’s mothers. He gets them to take him on trips and buy him gifts.
Just last weekend he told everyone at work that he went to the Barbecue Cookoff in D.C. with his son, when he really went with Peggy (a godson’s mother). I am sure that she must have footed the bill for the weekend.
These sociopaths lie about everything. Anyone that could use their own family as an excuse for their activities is not a moral person in any way.
It would be nice if they could just admit that they are pathetic users and liars, but they don’t see themselves that way. They are out to get what they can and don’t care about the consequences.
Hummingbird,
Lies,lies,lies. Yes that’s it in a nutshell. I’ve asked myself many times why did I believe all the lies? why didn’t I see the red flags?
One of the reasons, I think, is that HE believed the lies at the time he was telling them. He once spent an hour crying and pityfully explaining how his friends had “set him up” and told his boss’s husband he was having an affair with her. He was telling me because I had heard a rumour about it. After that hour I felt so sorry for him!!!! It was an oscar winning performance and and an hours worth of pure lies. He had been having the afffair with her for the past 5 years.
The other effective way he lied was to always include a few grains of truth, a few facts that I would know which made the rest of the story appear true.
His only reality seemed to be based purely on his animal instinct to get what he wanted, when he wanted it. He knew exactly what he was doing but had the ability to justify all his actions. He was unable to question or assess his own behaviour.
Swallow
Oh OxD,
It seems like silence only ever protects those the least deserving. “Secrets” seem to be a sister tool of lying in the toolbox of the socio.
A few suspected something was amiss with me… most had no clue. Then when all hell broke loose, there was much surprised, “But you looked so happy! How could this be?”
If I’m ever drowning again, I’m going to be gurgling at 1,000 decibels. People will RUSH to help me… or shut me up, but they will not be able to ignore me for the fog!
Is being asked to keep a secret a red flag? If not, it should be!
Keeping secrets to avoid other people knowing bad things that your family members have done ONLY is beneficial to the family member you are “protecting” by keeping the secret. It is NOT beneficial to the secret keeper.
For nearly 20 years my mother wanted me to keep it “secret” that my son was in prison. So if people would ask about my son (he was gone from home by the time we moved back here) I would say, “He lives in Texas” That of course was TRUE, but it didn’t tell them anything about HE’S IN PRISON. I know some of the people were just acquuainteces that were making small talk, but our FRIENDS were also not told the complete truth, it was a BIG SECRET.
After I went to work at a psych hospital for mostly adolescents and I saw kids there who were WORSE than my own personal monster psychopath, it ended up very theraputic for me in many ways. At that point, I actually talked to a few of my closest friends about my son being in prison. Not everyone in the neighborhood, but those closest to me.
When we moved back up to the farm a couple of years later, up in this area THE SECRET was total in the community, even with close friends and cousins.
Only a couple of years ago when he cameup for parole and mom hired him an attorney to present his “best image” to the parole board did she and I ask close friends (after telling them) that we would like a letter of “reference” for US as a family that could give him a “good place” to come to, a job, and suport. Well, fortunately, he did not get parole, but got another 4 years (5 is max) before he could come back to the board for another try. I think mom’s hired attorney and the very GOOD package we presented probably got him the 4 instead of 5.
I’m done with SECRETS to protect others, I’m done with being ashamed that others behave badly. The truth may not be pretty but it is the TRUTH. I won’t keep silent any more to protect anyone else.
I agree. Silence only serves the other party and usually works against our best interests.
I believe in discretion but not covering up…or enabling someone to continue their misdeeds.
It sounds like you have found a renewed sense of purpose and strength, OxD. I like to think of it as graduating from one level to the next. Congratulations.
“Secrets” seem to be a sister tool of lying in the toolbox of the socio.
That is good. After I was treated so horribly, my exsociopath asked me not to tell anyone. I obliged for a while. Then when I was hyperventilating on the couch, and the sociopath was the only person who was helping me, I knew there was something wrong. Why was the person who was causing me so much pain the same person as who was helping me through it? There was something sick and twisted in the whole thing. The last words I said to him were “You are not supposed to be the one helping me through this, you need to leave.” After that I told everyone who could offer me support. And I actually started to heal.
I was trapped into my affair by secrets and lies. My P’s speciality is married women precisely because the liasons start in secret and are kept secret to hide the embarassment when it is all over. What he did not count on was that I would speak out and tell everyone what had happened and I believe that is why his other woman has now fled back to her own country. They have both been exposed.
Being sworn or pressured to keep secrets should always be taken as a warning. If something needs to be hidden it is suspect and very different from someone confiding in you or asking you to use your discretion. The giveaway is when you are being pressured or coerced.
Swallow
bird
how true …the person who was causing me to hyperventilate on the couch and have my first ever anxiety attacks, is the one who i turned to for help in dealing with them??!! how crazy=making is that??
I went to the link on the other thread and read about privacy vs secrets, and about truth vs honesty, very good link.
The thing that really hit me between the eyes was one sentence:
“The anger and rage that ensures from a Narcissist who has been unmasked can be a horrific experience.”
Boy, O boy! Is THAT the HONEST TRUTH–the look of rage and anger that came from my mother’s eyes would have melted steel on the spot. It was the most penetrating look, one that I have seen ONLY on the faces of Ps when they were defied.
But by being HONEST with ourselves and by not keeping SECRETS and by not twisting TRUTH, we can set ourselves FREE.
Bird, I am so glad that you are healing and feeling better. How’s our “Baby Bird” doing? Keeping you up all night yet! LOL Put your hand on your tummy and give the munchkin a pat from Auntie Oxy! (((hugs)))))
The miracle for me was finding two letters… the first from the woman who lived w/him for 14 years and the second from her sister.
The first letter was written when the lady was dying of cancer and told of how he had mistreated her over the years and how he had been carrying on affairs and how he had beaten her when she was undergoing chemotherapy after a mastectomy. He had asked her to get out of his house by ‘spring.’ She died in the house on February 28th.
The second letter was from her sister who had been requesting that he return to her items that had been willed to her which he had refused to do.
I was pretty shaken when I found this out, but what came to my mind was ‘but for the grace of God and finding these letters, there go I….’ I found the sister’s number in the phone directory and called her… the rest is history – I packed up and left.
My story is under ‘case histories’ on this site under Bill Strunk, used car salesman.
Finding and reading those letters was a ‘defining moment’ for me – everything was changed and there was no turning back.