It was just a simple text message, “He’s a liar”. At the time of its arrival on her cellphone, Sarah* didn’t know its value. But, as the days unfolded and the story of his deceit was revealed, that little text message became a miracle. A gift from God. A sign from the angels that her life was about to change, radically, for the better.
When I first spoke with her, she couldn’t see the miracle of that text message. She could only feel its pain. She couldn’t see the gift of knowledge it presented or the freedom it represented. She didn’t want to see it was a gift for a better future. She wanted his love to be true. She wanted him to be true. She wanted time to rewind and take her back to time before the text message arrived, to time before everything went wrong.
“It’s all my fault,” she said. “If only I had….” And then, she listed of the hundred things she could have done differently to keep his love true.
“There is nothing you could have done differently that would have changed him,” I told her. “Tall. Short. Fat. Skinny. Blond. Brunette. Green eyes. Blue eyes. Fair-skinned. Dark-skinned. You could have dyed your hair pink and stood on your head spitting nickles. There is nothing you could have done to change him or make his love true. He is the lie.”
And that’s the challenge of loving a narcissist or a sociopath. There is nothing we can do to change who they are and what they’re doing. Lies are the lifeblood of their trade. They are subject matter experts in human manipulation and they spend their lives honing their craft. They don’t care if they hurt people. People are the fridges of their supply. Open the door, take out what you need and close it until you need more. Keeping their victims chilling on ice is part of their game. Keeping their victims locked up, their minds frozen over ponds of fear and disbelief, that is what they need to ensure the victim doesn’t see the light of their betrayal. They do what they want, get what they need however they can because what they want is all that counts.
For Sarah, the pain of his betrayal has left her reeling. They met when she was eighteen. He was three years older. A fireman. Tall. Strong. Silent. He’s had over five years to weave his web of lies around her, in and out of her psyche. He’s had five years to contort reality, distort perceptions and distend her belief in herself into a bloated bladder of vile pus oozing with self-deprecation and disbelief.
And now she must heal.
“Why would he do this? He said he loved me? Why? Why? Why?” she asked as every woman and man asks when awakened to the truth of their lies.
“Because he can. Because he must. Because he does. It’s what he does. It’s who he is,” I told her. “Lies are like breathing to him. Protecting his ego at all costs is his purpose and in his mind, there is no higher purpose, no greater calling. It is all he can do.”
For Sarah, facing the truth is a raw, jagged journey through the minefield of the past where he gave her the ‘gift’ of his love and wrapped her up in the invibisble bonds of terror of his lies.
Sarah is lucky. That text message arrived two months before they were to share their vows. Two months before they made a commitment to love each other, ’til death do us part.
“Your love was true, Sarah. “I told her as we sat in her parents living room, the dining room table covered in spread sheets and bank statements. Her mother and father have been unravelling the financial nightmare of his deceit. It’s something tangible, factual that they can hang onto. What they don’t know how to do is bring her peace of mind. Ease the burden of the truth she must face in order to heal.
“Your love was true. His was always the lie. There is no truth in anything he said. No truth in telling you you’re beautiful to telling you you’re ugly. There is no truth in his ‘I love you’ and no truth in his ‘I hate you’. He does not contain the truth. You do. And the truth is, he has betrayed you. He has hurt you and you can never say good-bye.”
“But I want to say good-bye,” she wailed. “I want to tell him how much he hurt me. How this has harmed me.”
“The only good-bye will be the slamming of door when you go back to the house to pack up your things. When you leave, slam the door and know, that is the most deadening sound he will ever hear. It is the only sound you ever want to give him.”
“I have to go pick up my wedding dress this week. He’s paying me back for all the wedding expenses. He wants the dress.”
“Good,” I said. “After you get the money, and if it’s a cheque make sure it clears the bank, give him back the dress. But first, take out your scapbooking scissors and cut it up into a thousand pieces.”
“But I promised to return the dress,” she said.
“And you will be returning the dress. Nobody said anything about what shape it had to be in.”
She looked at me, her gentle blue eyes opened wide with surprised. For the first time since we began talking two hours before, she smiled. “Ah, now that would be sweet revenge.” She paused and laughed, her eyes lighting up, “I’ll do it!”
Yes, she will do it. She will heal and grow and recover and reclaim what was lost. And in that journey she will embrace the miracle of the text message that saved her life from growing darker and darker as she began to fade into the weave of a narcissist’s lies blocking the light from penetrating her mind.
Miracles are free.
In the gift of their arrival, grace descends as we open up to the truth of their revelations. With grace, we are invited to slip into the healing waters of love so that we can set ourselves free of lies and deception and dance with joy, in harmony with the truth around us. Miracles are free and so are we.
*Not her real name.
To continue reading the happenings written here, gives me courage to know that I don’t stand alone and it is okay to say no. I don’t have to take second best and continue in the lies. I have been left alone for a reason and I’m still trying to determine that, but being alone, doesn’t mean I have to be at the mercy of a man who is nothing but lies. I can speak my mind. If I would defend someone else, why can’t I defend myself?
It’s amazed me that the ones who chose to write me off because I wouldn’t bend to their will, can’t see what they have done. But that is the story for all here, simply because we choose to want something deeper and richer in the form of a relationship. If the only person we have that with is ourselves, we are blessed indeed. I don’t know how I could have made it on this journey without my faith in God. Even when I thought I was going down for the final time and all hope was gone, I saw that beacon of light. We’ve been tried by fire and came out like gold. That’s not bad at all.
I’d much rather be alone and have peace than to be with someone who lies, uses and abuses. Wait. I was alone. I am so thankful to have found help in the form of this site and the stories I read. I know deep within that I didn’t imagine the happenings. I was told that. You can’t imagine the truth. I claim God as my witness and He says He cannot lie. But since you all have had similar experiences, and I see my life in your story, we all can’t be wrong.
There have been so many memories flooding back the last several days. I see them in those who are here. As they come back, I process them as lies and do my best to dismiss them. The hard part for me is that I can’t have my day in court. I didn’t keep the kinds of records I should have, as I didn’t think I needed to. I was entirely too trusting and gullible. That was before. This is now. Saying no really is powerful. A real friend wouldn’t seek to destroy. I was almost destroyed. He really was the lie. And he lied when he denied he lied. It just wouldn’t quit until I put a stop to it.
In response to “After the sociopath is gone: Miracles that set us free”, I’m wondering who sent the text message. Maybe I read too fast and missed it but I never did find out who sent it or why, nor how the lady “Sarah” got to where she put the connection between the message and the facts about the sociopathic guy.
HoneybearII, I too was married to someone for 30+ years and I’ve read some of your other comments and felt a real kinship. I became a Christian in my 30’s (50’s now) and hung in for so many years waiting for him to “see the light” and I believed in a covenant so much. But my husband didn’t believe in anything but himself. I’m embarrassed still to admit what I denied to myself for most of those years. We separated a few times (over women) but he would always reel me back in. He had me so twisted! I admit that my background and temperment made me a magnet for him when I was 19. I’ve had to learn to forgive myself for falling in love with a liar, cheat, and a thief. Yes, he went to jail on one occasion (insurance fraud) and I thought well, he’ll learn from this and he’ll be a new person…NOPE! But actually I was the one who ended our relationship, so I should take some pride in that (although it still hurts even though I haven’t spoken to him in almost a year) because I could see that he was going to be with another woman (this one is a pianist and he had always been dissatisfied that I wouldn’t learn music!). Even after we split up and I moved he was trying to get me back (sexually) but I held strong FINALLY! When he found out that I had a guitar and was taking some lessons, he said “if you had done that we would still be together” totally IGNORING his cheating, his lies, and his thievery – he is classic in not taking responsibility for anything that goes wrong! He had a very strong sexual hold on me and has left me pretty messed up, but I am getting better.He is turning 60 this year and still as crazy as ever, having started a new business in town (with the pianist who from what I know is very like me in personality and has a history of being dumped by men and we are all waiting to see how long before he dumps her). I’ve been told by my son that his father “has misgivings” about her….obviously she is not coming across to meet all of his needs, and so he is getting dissatisfied. My counsellor after hearing just a bit of my story, used 2 words to describe my relationship with my husband, TOXIC and PROSTITUTED. That kind of hurt when he said it, but it was so TRUE. I read on here over the last months about a “beneficent sociopath”…that would be my husband. He reels you in by doing generous things, being charming (I read recently that charm is a SKILL and that makes sense because he can turn that on and off) and by giving 1/2 truths, so you doubt yourself. A classic for him is when you say, “you didn’t tell me that”, he would convince you that he did, leaving you wondering if you were going nuts!!” For you Honeybear the final straw was finally seeing him boink someone on your couch. For me it was a long line of terrible things, which would be embarrassing still to admit because of my cooperation with lies, but I finally couldn’t take it anymore because he only used me for a certain type of sex (and yes the one good thing is as they get older they do lose their stamina sexually and resort to pleasing themselves) and that is all he wanted from me because he was getting his creative music needs with the pianist and I told him it was over. He left but he kept in touch each day (his computer was still at our home) and one cold night the local swat team came to my house when my son and I were home and he and I were arrested (my son thankfully is about as far away from being a sociopath as one could be). I couldn’t figure out what was going on, and was in shock. Turns out he had rigged the house during renovations so that we were stealing hydro power and I didn’t know about it!! So I was treated like a criminal, but the worst part was seeing my son in handcuffs…that was my last straw, that cemented it for me…it saved me from ever wanting to be with my husband again. And he did try to get me back sexually. In the end the police let me and my son go, because as they were taking us to the station to be booked, my husband coinicidentally arrived (thank you God) and they arrested him instead, obviously because we didn’t fit the profile of thieves, but he certainly did. He got “off” due to a technicality (he always seems to land on his feet) and so the repercussions of his decisions never seem to touch him much, but I certainly have felt them over and over. So I thank God that I am away from him (working on a divorce) and that I am getting better but it is a slow process to throw off 30 years. I would like to be married (I view my marriage now just as one very long one night stand) to someone eventually, if I can get truly healed of the past and the hangups that this man left me with. Some people say I should write a book about my marriage, but it would be too embarrassing and unless you’ve been in a warped relationship with one of these truly damaged people, you can’t understand what it’s like. I read the blogs as they get sent to me and I have found a lot of comfort and education in these, it is so reassuring to know that I’m not alone, I’m not crazy, and I have worth! I think the longer you are with a sociopath probably the harder it is to get over and find a life especially when you are not a young person anymore. But I am finding my life, it is just a slow process. Rome wasn’t built in a day! Sorry for such a long post, but I’ve been a lurking reader of this blog for quite a while and finally just wanted to spit out a few things. This site has been a big part of me healing as much as I have.
Hey, Louise, good to see you again, never knew you were registered here, how are you, not been in touch for ages, would like to be again, email me, you know where to send it.
Scarlet,
As I read your blog, I was seeing me all over again. I, too, have been married over 30 years. 38 to be exact. We put the house up for sale and when God removes all obstacles, I can proceed further.
I’ve been a Christian the most of my 58 yrs and presumed upon that to keep me from being a statistic. I came from a strict background, but nothing prepared me for the kind of angry marriage I had. I didn’t even know a thing about sex until I got married and thought it was the greatest happening between two people ever. How much closer could two people be? It meant nothing, but lust. I’m ashamed of what I did to try and procure love. I started comparing the happenings and realized that if what happened out of bed was awful, then what happened in bed was good, which was real? I had no one to talk to about it. I couldn’t ask just anyone if this was normal behavior for a man. I was so lost. I kept biding my time on account of my children.
I wanted that traditional life and got everything but. Probably the best thing that could have happened for my children was when their dad went to the night shift. He slept the most of the day and I had them all night, so my influence was there more than his. He just left bad memories as he didn’t want what he had.
I promised God to be that wife and finally out of desperation, I prayed and told God I just couldn’t do it anymore. That was the night a coldness settled in my heart and his words no longer hurt me. When he realized he could no longer make me cry that seemed to make him madder. No wonder I was so messed up. It was only the grace of God that my daughters came out fairly unscathed. My youngest daughter sometimes has anger issues, but I’m sure that goes back to the way she was treated.
When I became a Christian, I wanted to do life God’s way, so when I stand before Him, I can hand Him back my life and know I did it His way. I didn’t count on having to fight for my own place in my life. I still don’t know absolutes as to the why, but I know enough that I don’t want to do that again. I just wanted to share. I still can’t understand how a man can share his body so freely and make all kinds of statements, but mean none of them.
I read your story and shuddered for you. What awful memories you have to carry too. I’m so glad I have God’s reassurance. People keep telling me, too, that I should write a story of where I was and how I got here to this point in my life. I said, to write it I would have to relive it. It’s bad enough to carry the memories without seeing it in print, other than my journal.
I’ve made a promise to myself that I will not make myself sick over another man. Sometimes they are so forceful, that I think they are jealous of our relationship with God, because they want to be god and worshiped and adored. Yuk. I almost did that. I was so desperate for someone to care and affirm that I’m not unlovable, that I almost fell. God kept me, but I have to put the pieces of me back together again. Lots of rough edges, with many scars. But that’s me and I like me much better.
This site is so therapeutic for me and I’m sure for others as well.
I have the opportunity to talk about my situation with people who have shared the same type of betrayal.
Keeping secrets is something that the sociopath requires in order to manipulate his or her victims. My sociopath didn’t want me to meet his family because he knew that they would want to meet my children. He didn’t feel that my children (adults) were ready to accept another man in their mother’s life yet.
The real reason was that he had another woman who he took to all the family functions. If I was introduced as his significant other, they would question what had happened to Peggy.
These men and women live on lies and half-truths. They tell you enough to make some of the lies sound somewhat believable, but it is just a game to keep you off-balance.
I think the miracles that happen after an anti-social personality is out of our lives is growth. Our own spiritual growth. Focusing not on what they did to us any longer, but who we as a person is right now, at this place, in time, today. How much did we grow from their adversities that were forced into our lives? How we picked ourselves up, brushed ourselves off and took that first step to move forward. Yes, yes, yes, our loved ones that constantly remind us to “move on” I had to ask them “what does move on mean to you”? If moving on means grabbing another partner to make me whole. That isn’t going to happen in the near future. I’ve always gone years in between relationships being on my own, trying to figure out where I was, where I’m going, and of course, where I am right now, this minute. I do know that all the anti-social personalities in my life have stretched my compassion for humanity to a totally different level, enhanced my love for God and what God has given me, enjoy my family and friends more, enjoy meeting new people more than ever before, food taste better, and just stopping to smell the roses. I know I appreciate myself more and pat myself on my own back to say “I did it right”. I don’t know about the rest of you, but having an anti-social come in and out of my life makes me feel like I survived a horrific plane crash or other such tragedy … that I was the sole survivor, to find out through time, I meet other survivors as I go through life and all the other survivors speak the same language. That is our consolation.
As each day goes by, I know I’m learning more wondrous things as long as I keep my heart, eyes, ears, smell, touch, and imagination wide open.
Peace.
Today i feel at peace with letting go of my bad man. Today i told him, that im not going back to him, i cant put my heart out there with him anymore, i cant let him hurt me anymore. I realized that i feel somewhat better when we are not speaking, talking to him stresses me out, i feel completely uneasy when i talk to him. I dont trust him, i dont trust anything he says to me ever. I feel today that i dont need to focus on what he did to me, bc what he did to me was wrong and evil, but i cant sit and focus on it. I have to figure out what im going to learn from this realtionship, and start healing from all those evil things that he did to me. I learned that not everyone in the world is good, and when i met him i took everyone at face value, i cant do that anymore, anyone that comes into my life must prove they r trustworthy.
i want to say this website i really believe has saved me and helped me so much.
blondie:
Log on to Oprah.com give yourself a password. When you get into the site look for Tolle’s “A New Earth” site that Oprah is keeping up on her site. Download Tolle’s detailed descriptions of his 10 chapters of the book. He will show you how to bring peace back into your existence. Especially when going through a trauma like we all have. That peace is what we so much need in our life.
If you can pick up the book, I highly recommend his book. A must read. Put it side by side with your Bible. Actually, I think it’s a book of how to read the Bible. But, that is neither here nor there at this point in time.
Peace.
Swallo
What I dont understand is why didnt they tell us or did they.
When I finally found out the truth I alos had people tell me they knew…knew what that he was with another women for 3 years living 2 lives when he was telling us all along he was traveling to TX. What they dont understand is these guys lie and they lie good and when you are in it they are so convincing! I never thought in a million years he was going down the street to another womens house. I couldnt even think anyone could be so evil.
He was in TX supposidly building a huge Hedge fund, he had a name he had names of all the traders there kids, he discribed the office and the marble floors. He was on the phone yelling and banging on the table to his traders sell sell sell there werent any traders there was no fund how was I suppose to know he did and said these things daily. He takes the cake.
So when he left me homeless, no job and no money . They all knew???
How in the world could they not tell me? I was so hurt by this some mentioned if in passing but I am sorry I would tell. They didnt know for sure they thought they knew. When you are in the inside it is different.
He did embezzel and commited fraud he is being charged and I have never been so happy my husband (now ex) had a girlfriend the SEC and FBI are watching her not me. She is a inocent victum as well but she thinks he is inocent.
Girls I am writing a book I want to help others and tell a true story of life with a Sociopath/Psychopath the same really.
I will stress the family, friend to tell them get proof before for they are jobless and broke
Broken hearted and shocked