It was just a simple text message, “He’s a liar”. At the time of its arrival on her cellphone, Sarah* didn’t know its value. But, as the days unfolded and the story of his deceit was revealed, that little text message became a miracle. A gift from God. A sign from the angels that her life was about to change, radically, for the better.
When I first spoke with her, she couldn’t see the miracle of that text message. She could only feel its pain. She couldn’t see the gift of knowledge it presented or the freedom it represented. She didn’t want to see it was a gift for a better future. She wanted his love to be true. She wanted him to be true. She wanted time to rewind and take her back to time before the text message arrived, to time before everything went wrong.
“It’s all my fault,” she said. “If only I had….” And then, she listed of the hundred things she could have done differently to keep his love true.
“There is nothing you could have done differently that would have changed him,” I told her. “Tall. Short. Fat. Skinny. Blond. Brunette. Green eyes. Blue eyes. Fair-skinned. Dark-skinned. You could have dyed your hair pink and stood on your head spitting nickles. There is nothing you could have done to change him or make his love true. He is the lie.”
And that’s the challenge of loving a narcissist or a sociopath. There is nothing we can do to change who they are and what they’re doing. Lies are the lifeblood of their trade. They are subject matter experts in human manipulation and they spend their lives honing their craft. They don’t care if they hurt people. People are the fridges of their supply. Open the door, take out what you need and close it until you need more. Keeping their victims chilling on ice is part of their game. Keeping their victims locked up, their minds frozen over ponds of fear and disbelief, that is what they need to ensure the victim doesn’t see the light of their betrayal. They do what they want, get what they need however they can because what they want is all that counts.
For Sarah, the pain of his betrayal has left her reeling. They met when she was eighteen. He was three years older. A fireman. Tall. Strong. Silent. He’s had over five years to weave his web of lies around her, in and out of her psyche. He’s had five years to contort reality, distort perceptions and distend her belief in herself into a bloated bladder of vile pus oozing with self-deprecation and disbelief.
And now she must heal.
“Why would he do this? He said he loved me? Why? Why? Why?” she asked as every woman and man asks when awakened to the truth of their lies.
“Because he can. Because he must. Because he does. It’s what he does. It’s who he is,” I told her. “Lies are like breathing to him. Protecting his ego at all costs is his purpose and in his mind, there is no higher purpose, no greater calling. It is all he can do.”
For Sarah, facing the truth is a raw, jagged journey through the minefield of the past where he gave her the ‘gift’ of his love and wrapped her up in the invibisble bonds of terror of his lies.
Sarah is lucky. That text message arrived two months before they were to share their vows. Two months before they made a commitment to love each other, ’til death do us part.
“Your love was true, Sarah. “I told her as we sat in her parents living room, the dining room table covered in spread sheets and bank statements. Her mother and father have been unravelling the financial nightmare of his deceit. It’s something tangible, factual that they can hang onto. What they don’t know how to do is bring her peace of mind. Ease the burden of the truth she must face in order to heal.
“Your love was true. His was always the lie. There is no truth in anything he said. No truth in telling you you’re beautiful to telling you you’re ugly. There is no truth in his ‘I love you’ and no truth in his ‘I hate you’. He does not contain the truth. You do. And the truth is, he has betrayed you. He has hurt you and you can never say good-bye.”
“But I want to say good-bye,” she wailed. “I want to tell him how much he hurt me. How this has harmed me.”
“The only good-bye will be the slamming of door when you go back to the house to pack up your things. When you leave, slam the door and know, that is the most deadening sound he will ever hear. It is the only sound you ever want to give him.”
“I have to go pick up my wedding dress this week. He’s paying me back for all the wedding expenses. He wants the dress.”
“Good,” I said. “After you get the money, and if it’s a cheque make sure it clears the bank, give him back the dress. But first, take out your scapbooking scissors and cut it up into a thousand pieces.”
“But I promised to return the dress,” she said.
“And you will be returning the dress. Nobody said anything about what shape it had to be in.”
She looked at me, her gentle blue eyes opened wide with surprised. For the first time since we began talking two hours before, she smiled. “Ah, now that would be sweet revenge.” She paused and laughed, her eyes lighting up, “I’ll do it!”
Yes, she will do it. She will heal and grow and recover and reclaim what was lost. And in that journey she will embrace the miracle of the text message that saved her life from growing darker and darker as she began to fade into the weave of a narcissist’s lies blocking the light from penetrating her mind.
Miracles are free.
In the gift of their arrival, grace descends as we open up to the truth of their revelations. With grace, we are invited to slip into the healing waters of love so that we can set ourselves free of lies and deception and dance with joy, in harmony with the truth around us. Miracles are free and so are we.
*Not her real name.
Dear Beverly,
Well, today I did something else that was “mind boggling”—I told the TRUTH about my mother to a friend from the community that I have known since childhood. She is a good Christian woman, but not really “up on” psychopathic behavior, so I didn’t go into detail or use “big words” about that, but I did let her know when she asked how my mom was that “I am not having anything to do with her.” (Big step for me) Rather than just glossing it over with an “Oh, Okay the last time I saw her”—ambiguous answer—I sat down and told her the TRUTH. That my mother was a toxic enabler (this lady knew my Uncle Monster) and that because she was a toxic enabler that she had betrayed me, and showed NO REPENTENCE but projected blame on me, for her lies.
I told this woman the “definition” I believe of the word “forgiveness” meaning get the bitterness out of your own heart, but also that The Apostle Paul in writing to Timothy the second letter, described a psychopath’s character traits and said that Timothy should “from such turn away.”
It was very suprising to me that this lady seemed to “get it” that my attitudes were not only healing but that they were consistent with the scriptures as well.
It was so validating to be able to TELL THE TRUTH and not have to couch my responses with half truths or avoidance. Now if I don’t know someone well, I’m not going to go into any detail, but with those people I have known all my life and that also know my mother, I am tired of HIDING THE TRUTH. I am tired of protecting my mother’s behavior. I am tired of feeling ashamed because my mother behaved badly, betrayed me. Why should I HIDE my mother’s behavior? It isn’t MY shame. It should be hers, but she doesn’t have any shame or remorse.
I’m going to hold my head up in the community. I have done nothing wrong.
Beverly—-The TRUTH for me is when you look under rock’s for company, you find scum———-!
Dear OxDrover:
I can see by your writing that the sun is now shining on your face and we can see the angels have been standing by your side every step of the way of this battle life dealt you. You triumphed. That is your legacy of being a blessed child of God’s who loves your sweet soul. Hold your head high to show the world that you are a wonder of God’s victory over adversity down on earth.
Peace and love to you always.
Dear Wini,
I have I think been protected by God through this whole horrible past year and a half. I think that they would have killed me if I had not had God’s grace, protection and mercy.
Last week when I was processing the grief over my mother (again) it was a hard week, but this week I feel as if a huge burden has been lifted off my back and I am walking with a skip in my step and a smile on my face.
When my son D came home from camp for this week, he told me that I looked so much better than I had the last time he had seen me 2 weeks ago. He wanted to know what was going on that I looked so well…I think it was just that I didn’t have the burden of the grief over mother’s loss. I guess it just finally HIT me really, and after a week of crying, grief and pain, it seems to have resolved in acceptence. I dont “miss” her any more, I don’t feel bitter or angry any more, it is just OK. No good feelings and no horrible ones. I can talk about it without pain now. So maybe that is a big step forward.
I am grateful to God for his mercy and guidance in all this mess. July 14th will be the 4th anniversary of my husband’s death, and these last four years have been one crisis after another, starting with that, but things now are no longer in crisis, so I an glad of that. When I walked back from the hangar to the house, just walking down the drive I looked at the house and the yard and all the trees and I felt so peaceful again. It really does feel like “home” again, and there is no black cloud of unhappiness and fear hovering overhead to spoil the serenity of my sanctuary here.
It isn’t me that has triumphed, but my faith in God which brought me through—He is the one who won the WAR!
Dear OxDrover:
I think what it is … the roller coaster ride that none of us bought tickets for. We didn’t even realize we were entering an amusement park, never mind signing up for any ride.
We have our up days and down days. I know in my heart that we should try to smile and laugh again, that’s our legacy to battle what was bestowed up us. To keep walking forward and make our lives what we want, not what they did to us. Any of them.
I had about 70 managers destroying my career every day for 6 years. Thinking I had my best friend by my side only to find out, the other shoe fell on my head. My ex was exactly like the managers (but I had no clue at the time). All anti-social personalities.
I remember my ex telling me at every sour turn with my bosses antics through those six grueling years that they were like children having temper tantrums. I said to him, you hit the nail right on the head, I do convert them down to 5 year olds every time I’m in a meeting with them. My mind would just imagine them being children sitting across the conference table, not 50-60 year old adults.
In reality, an anti-social (my ex) was explaining in detail the antics of the other anti-socials (my bosses and their cronies, and the other managers that joined in on the Kangaroo court to get me). One child telling me about other children. Amazing. Simply amazing. My imagination of those meetings, their clothes were too big on them, actually they looked to me as children playing dress up in those meetings that I imagined those characters and reverted them to their 5 or 6 year old age. Children, throwing temper tantrums across from the conference table at each other. I would sit their in total amazement thinking to myself, what am I witnessing here. Then I’d shake off the image in front of me, see them as their physical adults in their chronological age again, but still acting like children.
Which tells me, that I, and the rest of us, have to get a hold of our lives again and make it pleasurable to live with ourselves again. Pampering ourselves. Just for us. What we want. Not what they destroyed in their childish temper tantrums anti-social ways.
I am so glad you got through the crisis stage. That’s the hardest part. That first few years of crisis and total insanity.
Peace to your heart. You deserve it.
P.S. I’ll never order “Rocky Road” ice cream again. I’ve had my fill. LOL.
My miracle was going out for wine with a co-worker. She could see I was in pain and asked “Is it you and P#$l? He’s been doing it to me too for the past six months.”
This was our married boss. What we learned since then…seducing and sexually harrassing over half our staff, the lies and playing us all against each other so we wouldn’t talk, misuse of company expenses…it’s disgusting. I left my marriage over his lies that I was his soulmate, the love of his life. Now I’m trying to put it back together.
But what I need help with is the survivor’s responsibility to warn others? His poor wife. She is young and could have a whole wonderful future ahead of her if the psychopathic bond was broken. He got to her when she was 19 and has molded her to believe all his lies despite indicators he is not being totally truthful. Do I just stay silent and let her learn in her own way, or should I tell her?
She might not believe you, but I’d at least try to tell her, maybe even anonymously. Someone told me about someone like that one time and saved me untold grief. I will always be thankful she had the guts to write to me. But of course not everyone will be grateful. His wife might be very angry, but still.. it’s better to pull down that mask.
How do you get past wanting them to hurt the way they have hurt you?
I’m not talking about revenge. Taking revenge against a psychopath is a death wish. They will get you back tenfold.
But I want him to hurt.
Yes, I realize that hurt people hurt people. And I know, too, that his life is hell because of the mess he makes of things. But he just keeps moving on to the next victim.
And wanting him to hurt means there is still a connection between us. No question.
I just want him to hurt. And to know that I know he hurts.
trimama – if he is a spath he WILL NEVER HURT THE WAY YOU WANT HIM TO. To hurt like that he would have to form the same sort of bond with you that you did with him. And he hasn’t.
So, work on recognizing that. There is very little ‘justice’ when we deal with these people. We have to survive, endure the endings, break through the illusions we hold about them and ourselves, and go on to heal the underlying vulnerabilities that will render us more ‘spath proof’.
he will never hurt as you. i am sorry.
trimama,
The smart thing to do right now is insulate yourself against the ex. He is devoid of normal feelings and emotions. Focus on yourself, getting into a better state of mind (on a daily basis). You have been hurt, no doubt about it. As long as you have ties to the ex, there will be unending drama, heartache. Spare yourself the unnecessary grief (that’s my suggestion) by keeping these creatures of chaos out of your life.