It was just a simple text message, “He’s a liar”. At the time of its arrival on her cellphone, Sarah* didn’t know its value. But, as the days unfolded and the story of his deceit was revealed, that little text message became a miracle. A gift from God. A sign from the angels that her life was about to change, radically, for the better.
When I first spoke with her, she couldn’t see the miracle of that text message. She could only feel its pain. She couldn’t see the gift of knowledge it presented or the freedom it represented. She didn’t want to see it was a gift for a better future. She wanted his love to be true. She wanted him to be true. She wanted time to rewind and take her back to time before the text message arrived, to time before everything went wrong.
“It’s all my fault,” she said. “If only I had….” And then, she listed of the hundred things she could have done differently to keep his love true.
“There is nothing you could have done differently that would have changed him,” I told her. “Tall. Short. Fat. Skinny. Blond. Brunette. Green eyes. Blue eyes. Fair-skinned. Dark-skinned. You could have dyed your hair pink and stood on your head spitting nickles. There is nothing you could have done to change him or make his love true. He is the lie.”
And that’s the challenge of loving a narcissist or a sociopath. There is nothing we can do to change who they are and what they’re doing. Lies are the lifeblood of their trade. They are subject matter experts in human manipulation and they spend their lives honing their craft. They don’t care if they hurt people. People are the fridges of their supply. Open the door, take out what you need and close it until you need more. Keeping their victims chilling on ice is part of their game. Keeping their victims locked up, their minds frozen over ponds of fear and disbelief, that is what they need to ensure the victim doesn’t see the light of their betrayal. They do what they want, get what they need however they can because what they want is all that counts.
For Sarah, the pain of his betrayal has left her reeling. They met when she was eighteen. He was three years older. A fireman. Tall. Strong. Silent. He’s had over five years to weave his web of lies around her, in and out of her psyche. He’s had five years to contort reality, distort perceptions and distend her belief in herself into a bloated bladder of vile pus oozing with self-deprecation and disbelief.
And now she must heal.
“Why would he do this? He said he loved me? Why? Why? Why?” she asked as every woman and man asks when awakened to the truth of their lies.
“Because he can. Because he must. Because he does. It’s what he does. It’s who he is,” I told her. “Lies are like breathing to him. Protecting his ego at all costs is his purpose and in his mind, there is no higher purpose, no greater calling. It is all he can do.”
For Sarah, facing the truth is a raw, jagged journey through the minefield of the past where he gave her the ‘gift’ of his love and wrapped her up in the invibisble bonds of terror of his lies.
Sarah is lucky. That text message arrived two months before they were to share their vows. Two months before they made a commitment to love each other, ’til death do us part.
“Your love was true, Sarah. “I told her as we sat in her parents living room, the dining room table covered in spread sheets and bank statements. Her mother and father have been unravelling the financial nightmare of his deceit. It’s something tangible, factual that they can hang onto. What they don’t know how to do is bring her peace of mind. Ease the burden of the truth she must face in order to heal.
“Your love was true. His was always the lie. There is no truth in anything he said. No truth in telling you you’re beautiful to telling you you’re ugly. There is no truth in his ‘I love you’ and no truth in his ‘I hate you’. He does not contain the truth. You do. And the truth is, he has betrayed you. He has hurt you and you can never say good-bye.”
“But I want to say good-bye,” she wailed. “I want to tell him how much he hurt me. How this has harmed me.”
“The only good-bye will be the slamming of door when you go back to the house to pack up your things. When you leave, slam the door and know, that is the most deadening sound he will ever hear. It is the only sound you ever want to give him.”
“I have to go pick up my wedding dress this week. He’s paying me back for all the wedding expenses. He wants the dress.”
“Good,” I said. “After you get the money, and if it’s a cheque make sure it clears the bank, give him back the dress. But first, take out your scapbooking scissors and cut it up into a thousand pieces.”
“But I promised to return the dress,” she said.
“And you will be returning the dress. Nobody said anything about what shape it had to be in.”
She looked at me, her gentle blue eyes opened wide with surprised. For the first time since we began talking two hours before, she smiled. “Ah, now that would be sweet revenge.” She paused and laughed, her eyes lighting up, “I’ll do it!”
Yes, she will do it. She will heal and grow and recover and reclaim what was lost. And in that journey she will embrace the miracle of the text message that saved her life from growing darker and darker as she began to fade into the weave of a narcissist’s lies blocking the light from penetrating her mind.
Miracles are free.
In the gift of their arrival, grace descends as we open up to the truth of their revelations. With grace, we are invited to slip into the healing waters of love so that we can set ourselves free of lies and deception and dance with joy, in harmony with the truth around us. Miracles are free and so are we.
*Not her real name.
trimama – Wanting revenge is normal. wanting them to hurt like we do is normal. Taking back your power is revenge. Living a good life is revenge. Going no contact is your only weapon and your ultimate salvation. There is no quick closure for you. You are focused on him and the pain now. Soon you understand this is a Life Lesson for you – dont fail it. There are no accident’s, ask yourself how and why did this happen? It starts out about them and ends up being about us. Yes he is evil. Does a cat feel sorry for torturing the mouse?
trimama,
well, there is one way to make a sociopath hurt: NO CONTACT.
A sociopath fears abandonment more than anything. They can’t stand to be abandoned because a sociopath is nothing more than an emotionally repressed person, they have the emotions of infants. Infants are terrified of abandonment. When you first go NC, you will make him feel awful. That’s why you also need to be very careful. During this time you could also be in danger, some sociopaths will do anything to avoid being dumped.
If you don’t feed him your emotions, you will also deprive him of what he needs. If you happen to see him, show no emotion.
Dear Trimama,
I agree with what everyone above has said…they are not going to, are not CAPABLE OF, hurting the way you hurt. They may feel RAGE at you if you gave them “Narcissistic injury” (hurt their ego) but aren’t going to be able to feel the deep emotional loss that a person who is bonded to another human feels.
I can relate to you wanting them to feel what you feel, I’ve been there. We have to move on past that desire though, just like we have to move on past the desire that they love us like we love them. It’s not going to happen, it can’t happen.
You WILL move on past it, but it will take time and work. Educating yourself about psychopaths will help, it is a start. Then educate yourself about YOU. KNOWLEDGE=POWER and you wil lbe able to take back your power and peace! (((hugs)))
Ox,
“I told this woman the “definition” I believe of the word “forgiveness” meaning get the bitterness out of your own heart, but also that The Apostle Paul in writing to Timothy the second letter, described a psychopath’s character traits and said that Timothy should “from such turn away.”
I hate sounding stupid, however on finding scripture, less a few I know by heart, I’m afraid I don’t know where in the bible this story/scripture reading is. Would you mind sharing that with me? I’d be interested in reading it.
Also, congrats about telling the truth about your Mother. I’m glad you found some validation in that. I won’t lie about my father either. And I don’t CARE if it’s not well received. He doesn’t DESERVE my respect. Good for you, Ox.
LL
Lesson Learned: The scripture you asked for is in the New Testament, in St. Paul’s second letter to Timothy, a young minister. I think it describes psychopaths.
II Timothy 3:2-5: For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, (3) without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent (no self control) fierce, despisers of those that are good(4) traitors, heady, (conceited) highminded, lovers of pleasure more than Lovers of God (5)…from such turn away.
I think that is a complete description of a psychopath if ever there was one. Both of the letters from St. Paul to Timothy talk about people who are evil and about people who are “lovers of Money” or “they that will be rich fall into a temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts….for the love of money is the root of all evil.” Much wisdom in these two short letters from Paul to Timothy.
Paul was never one to mince words when it came to talking about Unrighteousness…”wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness, full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malignity, whisperers, back biters, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things…without understanding, covenant-breakers, implacable, unmerciful, ….not only do (they do) the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.” (Romans 1:29-32 KJV)
This isn’t just about “religion,” it is about being the kind of person that ANYONE (regardless of their religion) would want to avoid being or associating with.
Paul also talks about these people as having a “reprobate mind” and their “conscience is seared” and I think that also describes the psychopath’s lack of conscience. There is much wisdom in the letters of Paul.
I was reading through some of the previous posts I made a couple of years ago when I was dealing with the NC with my egg donor…it was very difficult to acknowledge that it was my only option. To really accept the fact that the things she had done to me weren’t going to change, that she wasn’t going to change her life long pattern of enabling, and accept the fact that she was never able to nurture me the way a child deserved to be nurtured. I don’t even think my egg donor is a psychopath, she is just really really dysfunctional and it is a family “curse” and has been passed down from generation to generation more likely a learned dysfunction than a genetic one—but who knows, it isn’t going to change it whether it is genetic, learned or both! It just IS what it IS. I have to deal with that and move on to a better place, or I can NOT deal with it and continue to suffer with the pain it causes. I think I would rather move on past the pain.
If we keep on associating with the people who fit the description of People St. Paul was describing, we will not be better off. I am taking his advice to Timothy and from SUCH I AM TURNING AWAY. NC forever!
Ox,
I got a new bible, so I’m interested in reading much more and that particular scripture you wrote in your previous post as well as the one above, is what I”m looking for. I pray before I read, that God would give me wisdom and peace while seeking truth.
I think it’s good to pray before reading. I think that scripture means something different for everyone. I especially love the story of David and Bathsheba for obvious reasons, but mainly for the underlying message of God’s love and grace when one is repentant.
I don’t want to read scripture with self condemning eyes. It was one of the reasons that I did not read it before. It seems that some of the message are contradictions to me, but on the same token, if I read it with NEW EYES, I feel that God is speaking to me, does that make sense?
I feel that God is the only one who can really provide the safety and sanity I need. I struggle because ex was, much like your egg donor, a self confessed (pious) Christian, a licensed minister. A church board member. A regular church goer. Every fricking Sunday. I’ve really struggled with my faith and finding God without his influence. We never really discussed the Lord much. He wouldn’t talk about it, for all he knew he had so much to offer in sharing about it. I would even try to discuss with him that what we were doing I felt was wrong and how could he feel okay with it. He never responded to that, Ox. It was like it was no big deal. Just apart of life, having an affair. That always confused me inside while with me.
While it doesn’t confuse me now, it just hurts because I know my faith and belief and relationship with God has been very damaged throughout all of this.
Thanks for providing those scriptures.
LL
Dear LL,
The Pharisees (who were the Jewish religious leaders and pretended to be very pious) were hypocrites because they preached one thing and DID ANOTHER. Jesus called them out on their TWO-FACED saying one thing and doing another. They would be the ones to STONE the woman caught in adultery, yet they were doing the same thing themselves. If you recall, Jesus said “You are without sin, cast the first stone” and no one in the crowd had the guts to cast the first stone because everyone there knew they THEMSELVES had done JUST what the woman had done, so if they had been ballsy enough to throw the first stone, everyone there in the crowd would laugh and snicker and say “Hey, did you hear old John threw the first rock at that woman we stoned today, and he’s been out banging old so and so’s daughter/wife all the time, ain’t that a hoot.”
LL, we have all done things we know are wrong, we knew at the time it was wrong to do, and I am sure you knew at the time you were having the affair with this guy that it was wrong to do so, but you chose to do it, the same way David knew what he was doing was wrong—but, you’re not any “worse” for doing that than I was for the things I’ve done that I KNEW AT THE TIME WERE WRONG AND DID THEM ANYWAY. So, okay, repent, and don’t do it again. Period. End of that conversation.
No one on this board or in the entire world that I know of is “without sin”—or can say they’ve never ever done anything they knew as wrong and did it anyway. Funny thing is I let myself be conned into thinking that the egg donor was as close to “sinless” as you could get. LOL ROTFLMAO I really believed she would not, could not LIE. Well, ya know…she had me fooled there and kept that fantasy going for quite some time with her gaslighting, but I finally saw the truth and accepted the truth.
I set up a standard of perfection for myself that no one could meet, and then beat myself up, boinked my head with the skillet until it was FLAT, that I wasn’t PERFECT. Well, hellllll, LL, no one is perfect! No one is without “sin.” And on top of that, it is OKAY TO NOT BE PERFECT, it is okay to just do the best you can! I don’t have to be perfect to be OKAY and neither do you.
I don’t have to have been perfect in the past, and I don’t have to be perfect today and I don’t have to be perfect tomorrow either. All I have to do is be the nicest person I can be and that is good enough. I just have to keep on trying, keep on learning, keep on growing and doing the best I can to be the best I can. Hey, if that’s good enough for God it ought to be good enough for ME! To heck with what egg donor thinks! I don’t need her validation any more to make me OK. DUH! Wow, what an eye opener!
Sitting in a church house doesn’t make you a Christian any more than sitting in a hen house makes you a CHICKEN! So your BF who was having an affair on his wife while he was pretending to be a “good Christian man” is the PORTRAIT of a hypocrite! He was not one to discuss his spiritual aspects with anyone because he was a LIAR and the TRUTH WAS NOT IN HIM.
In the future you will be able to look at someone, like Jesus advised us to look at the FRUIT to see if the TREE is any good. If the FRUIT (behavior) is ROTTEN then the TREE is ROTTEN. So you can go back to the RULE #1 which is HONESTY. If the person is not honest then NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. So no matter how exciting, smart, or anything else he might be, if he is DISHONEST he is NO GOOD. So no excuses for why someone is dishonest, there is no excuse for being dishonest. Period.
He is the lie from hello to goodbye!
Ox,
Part of the problem with reading scripture for me is understanding the culture at the time it was written.
I just read 1 Timothy. Now I’m onto 2 Timothy.
I’m glad you outlined what the Pharisees were and stood for.
Scripture speaks a lot about doing good works for others. Giving to the poor, etc. But does doing good works exclude those who may be toxic or am I reading too much into this?
For example, serving a meal to the homeless at a homeless shelter where there are MANY drunks, drug addicts, etc, while there are also families now with children.
What about when it’s more closer to home. Like my friend with cancer. I remember what you said about that the other day to me, and I really feel in my heart I should be helpful to her, but also not allow it to affect my life in a way that invites drama and to continue to stay my own course towards healing.
This has been a problem for me in the past. I love giving to people who need help. Whether they were toxic or not. Outside the home, it was with hospice care (I love hospice work and enjoyed my patients very much), inside the home it was being a foster Mom to two children whose mother was drug addicted.
Where is the law drawn in scripture about this? I guess what I”m asking is this: Is it possible to be TOO selfish in limiting myself to close relationships and good works within the confines of my home and only a few outside of it that aren’t “toxic”. Part of this confuses me, because scripture is explicit in that we are to share the good news with everyone. That would include those that are toxic, would it not? Those that need it the most? Helping the poor, the homeless, the widowed, who may well in fact, BE toxic? I’m not asking permisson to be engaged with toxic people. Just what the balance might be? What guidelines for discernment.
Does this make sense?
Also is there any information online that you’ve read or are very familiar with that would help outline the culture in which the scriptures were written? For that matter, does anyone else here have knowledge of a really good site to read?
This has really captured my interest. I want to learn to increase my faith and gain knowledge in this area now as prayer and closeness to God is FINALLY feeling open to me….
LL
Ox,
It is scriptures like the one that follows here that confuse me.
2 Tim 2: 22-28
“So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servants must not be quarrelsome BUT KIND TO EVERYONE, ABLE TO TEACH, PATIENTLY ENDURING EVIL, CORRECTING HIS OPPONENT WITH GENTLENESS. GOD MAY PERHAPS GRANT THEM REPENTANCE LEADING TO A KNOWLEDGE OF THE TRUTH. AND THEY MAY COME TO THEIR SENSES AND ESCAPE FROM THE SNARE OF THE DEVIL, AFTER BEING CAPTURED BY HIM TO DO HIS WILL”.
What I put in caps, outlines what I struggle with insofar as giving to others, enduring evil, etc.
Would a good example of this be those who come to the board and perhaps, like me, need/want repentance from God for behaviors associated with the evil that is the P? Shying away from evil?
What about when reaching out into the community or with friends?
In this, I’m reminded much of Martha Stouts book, “The sociopath Next Door” where those without conscience are to be avoided under ANY circumstances. Is this also what scripture is telling us to do, even if the evil appears as one needing help? So we do good works and help those who are deserving in that they want the help or assistance? I’m mindful of my own recovery and how long it will take. When do you stop giving others chances, because people DO fail, people DO lie ( I did a lot of it in my relationshit with spath- to others and to myself to preserve the relationshit, as well as to win his approval)..do you know what I mean here?
This aspect is pretty important to me in understanding what scripture is saying insofar as giving to others. When it says be KIND TO EVERYONE, Paul isn’t talking about the “select few”.
LL
Dear LL,
I think God gives us a brain and expects us to use it. Jesus healed the sick, and even had compassion on the woman caught in adultery, and he asked her, “where are those that condemn thee?” Then she said there’s no one, and he said, neither do I condemn thee, but then he told her to “go and sin no more.” He gave her another chance to get her act together.
Doing good for others doesn’t mean that those others have not contributed to their own problems and if they have then we shouldn’t do good for them, but at the same time , I think we need to be realistic in our giving to others.
Let’s say you see a kid on the street that needs something to eat. Giving them something to eat would be a good thing, right? Well, what if giving that child food would mean your own child would die of starvation? Not such a good thing, huh? So, you have to look at RESOURCES versus NEED.
If YOUR resources are NIL then for you to give them away and let your own children starve is not good sense is it.
RIGHT NOW your own resources are very limited in terms of energy, time, strength and monetary. So YOU need to spend your energy, time, strength and money on taking care of your RESPONIBILITIES—you and your kids. You are still emotionally needy, you are still raw and healing so it does not make good sense for you to focus all your energy and time on others.
You need to spend that time in getting “your own schit all in one sock”–believe me, LL, I did the same darn thing, I spent way too much energy on helping others when I should have been focusing on fixing myself.
Giving away some of your clothes to the homeless shelter is a good thing, giving away ALL your clothes to the homeless shelter when you end up naked yourself is another thing entirely. Unfortunately, we have many of us I think spent most of our time giving away the last crust of our emotional bread and the last thread of our emotional clothing so that we are no longer able to care for ourselves, much less share with others.
The apostle Paul advised his followers to get jobs and work so they would have things to share with others, he didn’t say to give others the last thing you owned. The old saying “charity begins at HOME” is a very good one. We should take care of ourselves and our families first, then give to others our time, energy and resources, but right now, LL, your resources need to be used at home for YOU and YOUR KIDS…your son that you are having problems with, yourself and your healing, etc. so you can reach out to others on a very limited basis without depriving yourself and your kids of what you have responsibilities to take care of —yourself and your kids, in my humble opinion. Or my not so humble opinion as the case may be.