He was arrested at 9:14 am on May 21, 2003. It was a sunny, blue sky morning. The birds were fluttering and twittering in the trees. The river flowed lazily by, meandering through the forest, dappled with sunlight, sparkling, clear.
We were in hiding. Had been since February 26 when we’d fled the city we lived in 1,000 miles away, heading west, heading to the US, he’d said. “I’ve got money there,” he insisted. “I’ll just leave this mess to my lawyers to fix. No sense hanging around waiting for them to get it cleared up. I’ll let you go once I’m out of the country,” he promised.
Like all his promises, like everything he’d ever said and done, it was all a lie.
On that morning in May, the lies fell apart and he was exposed. Two police officers walked in and took him away. “Are you on drugs?” one of them asked me as I sat, rocking back and forth, back and forth in a chair watching the scene unfold, a quiet, low keen seeping from my mouth. I was catatonic. I was not on drugs.
They took him away and I sat surveying the mess around me, trying to make sense of the mess of my life.
I hadn’t heard of No Contact with the abuser, but I knew after months of no contact with family and friends, I had to make contact with someone beyond the narrow confines of my world with him. He was gone. I had to reach out for help.
I called my sister who lived an hour away from where we had been in hiding. She didn’t ask questions. She didn’t yell or scream at me. She came and got me.
No Contact was the only possibility. He didn’t have my sister’s number and it was unlisted. He did keep calling the couple who owned the cabin where we’d been staying. They called my sister, she advised them not to give him my number. He called my mother. She hung up on him, even though she felt it was rude. “He’s the man who almost killed your daughter,” I told her. “It is not rude to hang up on him. It’s vital to my well-being.”
I didn’t want to think about him but at times, my mind betrayed me. I’d be walking down a street and hear a cell phone ringing and it would be his ring. My mind would leap to thoughts of him. What was he doing? What was he saying? What was he telling people about me?
I posted No Trespassing signs in my mind. When thoughts of him intruded, I’d mentally hold up a sign and send the thoughts back to where they’d come from, my fear, my shame, my guilt.
I knew that one day I’d have to go through the thoughts of him and examine them, but for now, I had to give myself time to grow stronger. For now, it didn’t matter that I had to rid myself of his presence in my mind. That would come later. At first, what mattered most was that I build emotional strength so that I could eventually deal with thinking about him without making myself sick.
In those first minutes and hours and days weeks and months away from him I focused my thinking on me. On what had happened inside of me. On what I had to do to become healthy again.
The police asked me for a statement about anything I knew about his illegal activities. I had to do the right thing to show myself, remind myself; I was capable of doing ”˜the right thing’.
I wrote it down. It hurt. I was scared. What would he do when he found out I had ”˜told’ on him?
I couldn’t let my mind go there. The monster of him in my head was bigger than the reality of him, out there. Out there he was in jail. I had to escape the prison of my mind trapped in thinking of him. I held up my No Trespassing sign.
Focus on doing the right thing, I told myself.
I kept writing.
To remind myself that I was so much more than that five year relationship, that my life was made up of so many other important things than just ”˜him’, I made a list of things I’d done in my life that I was proud of. Being a mother topped my list. “What kind of mother are you really”, the voice of self-denigration whispered. “You deserted your children.”
I posted STOP signs in my head. Whenever self-doubt, negative self-talk invaded, I held up my STOP sign and consciously reframed the negative into more loving words. “I am a courageous woman. Yes, I did something I never imagined I would ever do as a mother. I was very, very sick. And now, the poison is gone and I am healing. I can make amends. I am reclaiming my life. I am courageous and growing stronger every day.”
I kept adding to my list of things I’d done that I was proud of. In Grade five I raised $122.00 for a charity by walking 21 miles. I was an honor student. Got a scholarship. I ran the marathon. Wrote a play with a group of street teens and produced it.
My list reminded me that I was capable of living in the world beyond the narrow corridor of his abuse. It reminded me that I was a competent, caring human being.
At first, I wanted to cry and cry and cry. At first, I did. And then I knew I had to build emotional muscle, to build my willpower. I gave myself a time limit for crying. It began with ten minutes on the hour, every hour. That was when I let myself cry. The other fifty minutes I had to do at least one constructive thing (Work on my resume. Phone about a job interview. Take a walk.) to take me one step further on my healing path. The ten minutes every hour became eight and then five and then only every two, then three, then four hours. Eventually, as I kept doing more and more things to take me on the healing path, I forgot to cry.
At first, I wanted to tell everyone my story. Talk about what he had done. How hurt I’d been. How confused and scared and lonely. At first, I thought everyone knew what I’d been through just by looking at me. Couldn’t they see the scars? Couldn’t they see my pain? I couldn’t understand how the world could be so normal. I needed to embrace its normalcy. I enforced No Contact in my speech. I could not talk of him. I could not tell the story again and again. The only time I had permission to talk about him and what had happened was when I went to an Alanon or Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting. There, with the safety of the 12-steps empowering me, I could speak up and give voice to my pain, my fear and my hope.
The greatest danger wasn’t contacting him. He was in jail. My greatest danger lay in thinking about him. In remembering those gentle moments where I had felt his ”˜love’ embrace me.
“It was never love,” I reminded myself. “Love doesn’t almost kill you.”
I kept working at No Contact in my mind. Good times or bad, thinking of him wasn’t healthy for me. I kept my No Trespassing signs posted. My STOP sign handy. Over time, it became easier. A cell phone ring wouldn’t startle me. My body wouldn’t jerk suddenly at the sound of a car backfiring, or a door slamming. I wouldn’t cry at every turn. Sit in silence immersed in sadness. Thoughts of suicide were arrested before they even saw the STOP sign in my mind. I was building my will to survive. My will to rejoice in living life fully every day.
In time, it became easier to live without the fear I would always be the abused woman I had become. In time, it became easier to live with the possibility of life beyond his abuse, beyond the lies he’d told me about who I was, what I could do, where I could go and who I could never be. It became easier to believe in me. It became easier to talk, about him, about what had happened, about what I’d done to betray myself and those I loved without falling into despair. It became easier to love myself, not as an abused woman, but as a woman who had the courage to face her fears, to turn up for herself and love herself, exactly the way she was. A woman capable and confident enough to let go of abuse and claim her right to live freely in her own skin.
I was an abused woman. Today, I continue to grow and heal, to love myself for all I’m worth and to give myself the space and time to let feelings flow through me without having to stop them.
Today, I give myself the grace of loving myself enough to know, I am okay. The things I did that hurt those I love, and me, are nothing compared to the things I do today to create a beautiful life all around me. I am not measured against what happened back then, my value is in what I do today to make a difference, in my life and the world around me.
Today, he was just a moment in time, a small segment of my life. He has no value in my life today. My value is in how I live, what I do, say, how I think and look at the world through eyes of love. Today, my value is in me.
Kindheart: here’s an article about that. I posted the link but I also cut and pasted a portion of the article below it.
http://www.easy-immune-health.com/Gluten-Sensitivity.html
When you can’t stop eating carbs it’s not your fault
We talked about sugar cravings from the candida overgrowth in the gut, but there are other things going on that create powerful cravings as well.
The reaction of gluten proteins in the gut creates a substance called gliadomorphin. This morphine-like compound causes you to become physically addicted to the gluten that is creating so many problems!
This is the reason why you crave carbohydrates.
You actually become “addicted” to them much the way an alcoholic becomes addicted to alcohol!
Specific cells lining the intestinal tract create enzymes to digest food and these, too, are damaged in this process. If you can’t secrete the enzyme lactase, lactose can no longer be digested and you become intolerant to milk as well!
And to top it off, the undigested dairy protein, called casein, reacts in your gut to make ANOTHER morphine-like substance called caseomorphin. So you become intolerant and addicted to dairy as well!!
So, at this point, if gluten sensitivity is left untreated, you will crave wheat, milk and sugar – exactly the foods that are the worst for you!!
Read more: http://www.easy-immune-health.com/Gluten-Sensitivity.html#ixzz0SbpzaVRa
kindheart, here is another way to look at it.
People get stuck. In a way, our entire lives are about healing. This is, undoing old coping mechanisms that don’t work anymore. And finding how to be the centered, at-home-in-the world people we’re meant to be.
But all of us get stuck occasionally. We find ourselves in bad situations that clearly don’t work for us. But our old rules don’t give us a way to fix it. And we can’t see an alternative that doesn’t make us “bad” according to those old rules.
Some people get stuck in really bad situations for a long time. This may be an addiction, a bad marriage, a career we don’t like. What is common among them is that they’re self-destructive. Sometimes very obviously. But other times, they just slowly destroy our spirit, our optimism and hope.
These things are challenges. That’s really what they are — life challenges. They challenge us to either thrive or decline. Sometimes we don’t recognize how self-destructive they are until we are at the edge of being deminished to a point of no return. That was certainly my case with my sociopath. And it’s the case with people who bottom out and start going to AA or another 12-step program. But eventually, if we’re going to survive, we have to recognize that we’re facing a choice. We can learn and grow, or we can just fade away.
These people you’re talking to are stuck. All these reasons they are giving you for why they have to be stuck are their old rules that don’t work. They’re in a bad position, because they can see that their lives aren’t working, but they haven’t bottomed out yet. They haven’t started to take a hard look at themselves, their own behavior and beliefs, as a significant factor in their terrible situations.
When recognize that our lives are on the line, we tend to toughen up. We take a vacation from worrying about everyone else, and get serious about taking care of ourselves. Some people don’t do this until they literally face death. Some people do it a lot sooner, when they decide they don’t like the life they’re living. They realize it doesn’t match their values or their dreams, and they decide to do something about it.
These people who tell you their sad stories are actually doing something good for themselves. They are getting their live tragedies out of their heads, and putting words to it. Even if they’re whining or blaming everyone else. Just talking about it is working on it.
If you want to be a good influence on the situation, you could say something like, “That must be very hard for you.” This acknowledges the fact that they’re in bad situations. But I wouldn’t go any further than that, not even to ask, “What are you doing to take care of yourself?”
Because once you start that conversation, you’re volunteering to become involved.
Unless you want to become involved. You might, because you might think that talking through their challenges might lend your some insight on your own. But it’s seldom that simple. Getting involved with people who are stuck usually means that you become part of their unhappy drama. One moment you are their savior, and the next, you are a disappointment to them. Because it’s really not about you. It’s about the fact that their life rules aren’t working, and they’ve got to learn and change. Until they do, everything in their lives is, sooner or later, going to give them evidence that their life isn’t working.
Every one of us has the opportunity to pick our own learning environments. If you want to learn more about personal dysfunction, these guys will certainly provide that. It sounds like it might be more useful to you right now to learn about how to keep yourself more physically healthy.
If you don’t mind a suggestion, you might buy a big bottle of “green” pills at the health food store and some mineral supplements. Green pills are dry vegetable juices. It sounds like your body is over-the-top acid and you need to get it alkalinized. Coffee, sugar, grains and meat all push your body to the acid side. Green vegetables and minerals will help moderate that. If you start getting more alkaline, you’ll probably develop an appetite for better food and find these cravings reduced.
Take care of yourself, honey. There’s no one more important or interesting.
Kathy
thanks to you allfor the advice it brought me to tears and you are all so insightful as i am still grieving my dad and detoxing the s. I am going to keep a healthy distance but i am going to give him my copy of the Betrayal Bond to take to toronto on his course as he was hoping to be alone an d hopefully he can gain some perspective but it’s not my issue. I know he needs professional help and im not qualified. Sad sad and makes me rethink my own situation so maybe God works in mysterious ways. love kindheart
KindHeart48:
I would not even advise this man to seek professional help.
I would just back away from that situation ASAP.
From what I am reading, this is a HOT MESS, and you do not need to be involved in that.
If what he is telling you is true, that he’s staying for the kids, then he will be free soon. Because his last child is about to leave the nest, according to your above post.
Have you spoken to his wife? What is her side of the story?
Does she get to defend herself and her behavior? There may be some very good reasons for the way she is.
I try to base a person’s character on MY OWN experiences with that person, rather than on rumours that may or may not be circulating about someone.
Just a hunch, but I bet this guy is skewing his story a bit to make himself look good in your eyes, and to play on your sympathies. I could be wrong, though.
As far as what everyone else in this town is saying, that is just hear-say and gossip, as far as I am concerned. Are they in the house with this married couple? Are they eating meals and sleeping with them? Are they waking up with this couple every morning? I doubt it.
At the end of the day, NOBODY really knows what goes on behind closed doors in any given marraige, EXCEPT the two people in that marraige.
Everything else is speculation, gossip, and inuendo.
I have never met a man yet who wanted to “befriend” me because he was a happily married man.
Of course, he is going to give you the sob story about his home life with his wife.
Regardless of whether he is a S or not, they all do that. At least from my own experiences, they do.
He’s a big boy, he chose to get into this marraige. And when he’s had enough, he will get out.
Either way, I don’t think any of this is your problem.
I think you deserve much better than this.
Take care of yourself, KindHeart.
Luv716:
Has he repaid the money that he took from you?????
“I still Love you” text = “Please don’t ask for the money I took from you.”
Stay strong, Luv.
Luv716:
“and the end of the text he added ‘Thank God’.”
I’ll bet he did.
He’s thanking God that you are not asking for your money back.
If I recall correctly, it was well over $1000.
And, he may even try to come trotting back for more money, at some point in the future.
I really believe that this man is a con-artist, Luv.
I know it is difficult, but try to keep the No Contact rule going, if you can.
We are all here to support you.
Luv,
I hope you checked out the link that Kim posted. The best reply is no reply BUT, if you should feel the need to text him back, text: “what? who is this?”
🙂
when he replies, say, “Oh, OK”
Any further replies would follow that line, “what was your last name again?”
or
“are you the guy with the green mazda?”
Rosa: yes he owes me way over $1000
He owe me a lot of money, everytime I think about it my heart drop! its SAD
I am having a VERY DIFFICULT time and it has been 8 months. My ex lives 7 doors away with his new girlfriend (victim) who he was with for months (cheating on me). I knew there was someone else, but he wouldn’t let me go! Each time I left, he terrorized me, at least that is what it felt like! I was with him 5 years off and on. I learned so much since finding LoveFraud, but I am so very depressed. I haven’t found another place to live. I’ve been looking for a new place one year after I moved here (getting involved with him). I can’t take it! I thought the pain was gone but then it came back worse than ever. Why did he keep telling me he “loved” me and would not let me go when he already was seeing someone else for months? I broke up with him so many times, but he just kept coming back and then finally one day, he left, but he still continued to harass me that week and occasionally, he still does. Did he have to hook her first before he let me go or did he want to see us both and hurt one of so badly (namely me). We both had keys! I have no feelings for him. When I see him now; I see evil and I do get nauseous, but everytime I see her car (a brand new Lexus) – I don’t have a car, I get so pissed. I have so much anger, rage, bittnerness, frustration, anger, anger, anger, which turns into depression, panic attacks and isolation. I’m sure this gives him power. I know it does, but somedays, I just can’t go outside. I think I hate her just as much as I hate him. A few of us tried to tell her what he is really like and she doesn’t believe us or care to hear it. I even sent her copies of all the “love” emails he was writing me while he was seeing her and letters and every time he came by and knocked on my door and followed me, etc…and she doesn’t care. She is as nasty as he is and she is a LIAR too. She told me that he denies ever going out with me and so does he whole family. Everything she said to me was nothing but a lie and I knew it. Why did she do this? I never got closure. He never let me yell at him, tell him how I felt, nothing. He just turned into the ice man and did everything he could to block me out of his life. She lives there and everybody knows it. This is against the rules of the lease, but he gets away with it just as he did in the past. He gets away with everything. The Housing Authority are intimidated by him. I am not anymore and he knows this. I am not intimidated by her either. But, I think I am jealous and angry at her and I hate myself for it just as I hate myself for ever going with him after I was warned by so many people and taking him back, forgiving him, giving him so many chances and overlooking – even after the abuse of every kind. I still went back after I swore I would NEVER. I hate myself and all I do is lay in my bed and wonder what they are doing (I know what they are probably doing) and I get angry and revengeful and then sometimes out of nowhere I wanthim. It is as if I try to will him to come over and knock on my door. I’m crazy. I don’t love him. I don’t think I ever did so why in the world would I want this monster to hold me in his arms and comfort me and fall asleep in his arms? I hate myself for everything. I try to trust God and look to Him for help and deliverance, and one day, I’m fine…the next, it’s back to the emotional roller coaster ride. In our 5 year toxic, abusive, sick relationship, I’ve attempted suicide twice. He didn’t care. All he cared about was himself and he still does. One of the things that bother me the most and I am obsessed with the thoughts, and that is: does he really love her; he knew her from high school and she went out with his brother and she thinks she he is the same, right!!! But, maybe he really loves her. It has been almost a year since they have been together. Usually, when I broke up with him, he would get someone very fast (usually a prostitute or some crack addict), but this time he has someone with two jobs and a Lexus. I don’t think she is pretty. She looks like a bull and she is very tough and sarcastic and mean. He complained about “my verbal abuse.” She treats him like he is her son and she sounds like a warden. How am I ever going to get over this monster living there? I am sick to my stomach just typing this and thinking about it. When am I going to stop getting jealous of her and angry each time I see her car. Do you think he really loves her? He must if he is with her so long, which makes me feel worse than I already do. All I want to do is drink alcohol and go to sleep (another bad habit I picked up in additon to cursing and raging while I was with him. I don’t know what and how to get over this and it is destroying me inside and my relationships with my family and friends. I need help but I can’t find a therapist who deals with this and even if I did, I still have to see him because I still live there. I’m OK when I’m not there for a day or two, but it only takes seeing her car and thinking and knowing and obsessing about what he did to me after 5 years of me being nice to him…and it all comes back…and all I want to do is go to sleep and never wake up. I wont attempt suicide anymoe, because he is not worth it and it will only give him more power and he and his new tomboy girlfriend will only laugh at me more than they already do including his friends. I feel powerless and hopeless and I have no self esteem or self worth. Do you really think it is possible for him to love her or anyone? He claimed to love me and professed it to the world, and he still occasionally “plays” with my head, but could he? I’m so hurt. WHAT MAKES ME VERY ANGRY IS THAT THIS MONSTER ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS GETS SOMEONE ASAP AND I AM STILL ALONE, ALWAYS ALONE AND IT IS SO DEPRESSING AND LONELY ESPECIALLY ON THE WEEKENDS WHEN ALL THE CURTAINS AND THE BLINDS AND THE LIGHTS ARE CLOSED IN THE APT 7 DOORS AWAY WHERE I SPENT A LOT OF MY LIFE (WASTED AND RUINED A LOT OF MY LIFE). HOW DO I GET BETTER? I TRY, BUT I FEEL LIKE SUCH A FOOL AND EACH TIME I HAVE TO WALK BY THEM OR I RUN INTO THEM, I FEEL LIKE SUCH A STUPID FOOL. (By the way, he saw me enter this library an hour ago. He followed me and he is stalking me…this isn’t the first time.) Do you see what I mean? Why does he do this? I don’t want to go back into the hospital again. I need to change my environment. I am so sad. Please help me. Thank you.