He was arrested at 9:14 am on May 21, 2003. It was a sunny, blue sky morning. The birds were fluttering and twittering in the trees. The river flowed lazily by, meandering through the forest, dappled with sunlight, sparkling, clear.
We were in hiding. Had been since February 26 when we’d fled the city we lived in 1,000 miles away, heading west, heading to the US, he’d said. “I’ve got money there,” he insisted. “I’ll just leave this mess to my lawyers to fix. No sense hanging around waiting for them to get it cleared up. I’ll let you go once I’m out of the country,” he promised.
Like all his promises, like everything he’d ever said and done, it was all a lie.
On that morning in May, the lies fell apart and he was exposed. Two police officers walked in and took him away. “Are you on drugs?” one of them asked me as I sat, rocking back and forth, back and forth in a chair watching the scene unfold, a quiet, low keen seeping from my mouth. I was catatonic. I was not on drugs.
They took him away and I sat surveying the mess around me, trying to make sense of the mess of my life.
I hadn’t heard of No Contact with the abuser, but I knew after months of no contact with family and friends, I had to make contact with someone beyond the narrow confines of my world with him. He was gone. I had to reach out for help.
I called my sister who lived an hour away from where we had been in hiding. She didn’t ask questions. She didn’t yell or scream at me. She came and got me.
No Contact was the only possibility. He didn’t have my sister’s number and it was unlisted. He did keep calling the couple who owned the cabin where we’d been staying. They called my sister, she advised them not to give him my number. He called my mother. She hung up on him, even though she felt it was rude. “He’s the man who almost killed your daughter,” I told her. “It is not rude to hang up on him. It’s vital to my well-being.”
I didn’t want to think about him but at times, my mind betrayed me. I’d be walking down a street and hear a cell phone ringing and it would be his ring. My mind would leap to thoughts of him. What was he doing? What was he saying? What was he telling people about me?
I posted No Trespassing signs in my mind. When thoughts of him intruded, I’d mentally hold up a sign and send the thoughts back to where they’d come from, my fear, my shame, my guilt.
I knew that one day I’d have to go through the thoughts of him and examine them, but for now, I had to give myself time to grow stronger. For now, it didn’t matter that I had to rid myself of his presence in my mind. That would come later. At first, what mattered most was that I build emotional strength so that I could eventually deal with thinking about him without making myself sick.
In those first minutes and hours and days weeks and months away from him I focused my thinking on me. On what had happened inside of me. On what I had to do to become healthy again.
The police asked me for a statement about anything I knew about his illegal activities. I had to do the right thing to show myself, remind myself; I was capable of doing ”˜the right thing’.
I wrote it down. It hurt. I was scared. What would he do when he found out I had ”˜told’ on him?
I couldn’t let my mind go there. The monster of him in my head was bigger than the reality of him, out there. Out there he was in jail. I had to escape the prison of my mind trapped in thinking of him. I held up my No Trespassing sign.
Focus on doing the right thing, I told myself.
I kept writing.
To remind myself that I was so much more than that five year relationship, that my life was made up of so many other important things than just ”˜him’, I made a list of things I’d done in my life that I was proud of. Being a mother topped my list. “What kind of mother are you really”, the voice of self-denigration whispered. “You deserted your children.”
I posted STOP signs in my head. Whenever self-doubt, negative self-talk invaded, I held up my STOP sign and consciously reframed the negative into more loving words. “I am a courageous woman. Yes, I did something I never imagined I would ever do as a mother. I was very, very sick. And now, the poison is gone and I am healing. I can make amends. I am reclaiming my life. I am courageous and growing stronger every day.”
I kept adding to my list of things I’d done that I was proud of. In Grade five I raised $122.00 for a charity by walking 21 miles. I was an honor student. Got a scholarship. I ran the marathon. Wrote a play with a group of street teens and produced it.
My list reminded me that I was capable of living in the world beyond the narrow corridor of his abuse. It reminded me that I was a competent, caring human being.
At first, I wanted to cry and cry and cry. At first, I did. And then I knew I had to build emotional muscle, to build my willpower. I gave myself a time limit for crying. It began with ten minutes on the hour, every hour. That was when I let myself cry. The other fifty minutes I had to do at least one constructive thing (Work on my resume. Phone about a job interview. Take a walk.) to take me one step further on my healing path. The ten minutes every hour became eight and then five and then only every two, then three, then four hours. Eventually, as I kept doing more and more things to take me on the healing path, I forgot to cry.
At first, I wanted to tell everyone my story. Talk about what he had done. How hurt I’d been. How confused and scared and lonely. At first, I thought everyone knew what I’d been through just by looking at me. Couldn’t they see the scars? Couldn’t they see my pain? I couldn’t understand how the world could be so normal. I needed to embrace its normalcy. I enforced No Contact in my speech. I could not talk of him. I could not tell the story again and again. The only time I had permission to talk about him and what had happened was when I went to an Alanon or Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting. There, with the safety of the 12-steps empowering me, I could speak up and give voice to my pain, my fear and my hope.
The greatest danger wasn’t contacting him. He was in jail. My greatest danger lay in thinking about him. In remembering those gentle moments where I had felt his ”˜love’ embrace me.
“It was never love,” I reminded myself. “Love doesn’t almost kill you.”
I kept working at No Contact in my mind. Good times or bad, thinking of him wasn’t healthy for me. I kept my No Trespassing signs posted. My STOP sign handy. Over time, it became easier. A cell phone ring wouldn’t startle me. My body wouldn’t jerk suddenly at the sound of a car backfiring, or a door slamming. I wouldn’t cry at every turn. Sit in silence immersed in sadness. Thoughts of suicide were arrested before they even saw the STOP sign in my mind. I was building my will to survive. My will to rejoice in living life fully every day.
In time, it became easier to live without the fear I would always be the abused woman I had become. In time, it became easier to live with the possibility of life beyond his abuse, beyond the lies he’d told me about who I was, what I could do, where I could go and who I could never be. It became easier to believe in me. It became easier to talk, about him, about what had happened, about what I’d done to betray myself and those I loved without falling into despair. It became easier to love myself, not as an abused woman, but as a woman who had the courage to face her fears, to turn up for herself and love herself, exactly the way she was. A woman capable and confident enough to let go of abuse and claim her right to live freely in her own skin.
I was an abused woman. Today, I continue to grow and heal, to love myself for all I’m worth and to give myself the space and time to let feelings flow through me without having to stop them.
Today, I give myself the grace of loving myself enough to know, I am okay. The things I did that hurt those I love, and me, are nothing compared to the things I do today to create a beautiful life all around me. I am not measured against what happened back then, my value is in what I do today to make a difference, in my life and the world around me.
Today, he was just a moment in time, a small segment of my life. He has no value in my life today. My value is in how I live, what I do, say, how I think and look at the world through eyes of love. Today, my value is in me.
I’m not rolling my eyes, Persephone, because it felt exactly the same for me, even though I only dated him for a short time. I believed him to be the love of my life. I felt I’d waited my whole life for someone like him. The break-up almost killed me. Literally. I was close to suicide for a month or two. It was extremely painful to make the break, and it took a long time to heal. When you decide to go NC, it will feel like a part of your soul is being ripped out. It will hurt beyond what you could ever imagine. I’m not gonna lie about that. We all felt that soul thing with our S’s. But you will know you’re doing the right thing and you have no choice if you want your life back.
I sometimes feel like I’m not a really worthy part of this club because I only stayed with my S a short time. I did not get beaten, called names, criticized, or trashed. I had no money stolen–not a penny. I got out easy compared to most of the people here. But the devastation was just as complete. I vowed that if I ever got over him (which I have) I would help others in the same position. So I’m asking you to keep reading and see what you are dealing with. Maybe it doesn’t seem so terrible now. What is your breaking point? For some, it was when they had their houses and savings stolen. For some, it was when they were beaten within an inch of their lives. For others, it was losing their children. For me, it was a bunch of promised phone calls that never happened and two “no shows”. That’s all it took for me. I decided I didn’t wanted to be treated like that. I didn’t even find out what a sociopath was until after I cut him out of my life! (That was when I found out about all his lying and defrauding the government). I STILL went back and forth for several months, imagining that he MUST love me deep down, that any man who could be so sweet to me must have genuine affection for me. Thank God for this site. It saved my life and kept me out of denial. I am lucky. You can be lucky too, and get out while the gettin’s good. There will never be a time when it will be easy or feel good to leave. There is only a point when you decide you deserve better.
Erin – I’ve read so many of your posts and admire you so much – you have really been to hell and back and you’re still standing. And Stargazer, you’re an example to me of how I could have trusted my initial instincts and known as you said, that things weren’t going to get better(or at the very least, were going to be weird…) I’m going to bed, reread both your posts several times now, my eyes are swollen from crying on and off today-Erin’s post brought tears again but it’s probably a good thing to finally cry. I know the situation with my sister and
her terminal illness has been underlying everything, I’ve been out there 4 times since January and even this last time felt torn because I had to take time off from work to go again – this
may have been last time I’ll see her alive. And I’ve wondered about myself that sometimes there’s a numbness now in my character, maybe there is a kind of anger even at my own
loved ones that no one looks out for ME, that I have to get right in front of people and say HEY, this is what’s going on with ME, maybe that’s why there are so many ‘I’s in my entries here.
That may sound terrible, I love my sister – the man in my life will even allude to the fact there’s been alot on my plate this year and then turn around and be rude to me (for lack of better
word…) Life just happens, I want to experience it all as Erin says and come out a better person, mother, sister, lover – I’m just doing the best I can at the moment.
And I’ve had some good times, guess I just wanted the whole FANTASY. In terms of NC now, I think I am strong enough to calmly say it’s over to him, that it is just too much for me
now to try to be there for him if he can’t be trusted to follow through for me, even in small ways. I know he’ll be ‘mad’ but I think I can take him hanging up on me or calling back and
then going NC. If I go NC now, he will continue to call and then become sarcastic and mean with his messages which I just don’t want right now, does that make sense? I realize it’s going to be uncomfortable no matter what.
Hi — thought I’d chime in. I’ve read a lot of the comments — and the similarities, the strength and encouragement everyone shares is inspiring.
I also wanted to comment on the ‘labelling’ — and then the questioning of ourselves. Is he a P? An S? An N? A rat baztard or just a jerk?
In the end, it doesn’t matter what letter of the alphabet soup he is. An A, B, C, or just plain nimcompoop.
What matters is how do we feel with them in our lives? Is it creating more of what we want? More of what we deserve, or are we feeling less than, other than, diminished by their presence? Are we questioning ourselves, doubting our sanity, doubting our right to feel the way we do, be the way we are? Are we feeling unsettled, off balance, out of sorts by their antics? Are we focusing on what they’re saying, and ignoring the truth of what they’re doing as we try to figure out what did they mean, do they mean, or are they just plain mean or simply ignorant, dumb, unfeeling, blind?
Where are we in the relationship?
One of my greatest learnings from that encounter was that I spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about what he said, did, didn’t do. Wondering about what he was thinking, feeling, doing, where he was going, not going, when would he call, not call, turn up, disappear. I spent my energy wondering about him — and ignored how I was feeling, what I was doing, thinking, being. Having him in my life was diminishing my joy, happiness, contentment, peace of mind, yet, I didn’t think about the reality of his presence, I focused on the ‘myth’, the story I wanted to believe he told me was true. To believe his lies, I had to quit thinking about me and my needs. I had to put my thoughts, every waking one of them and my dreams as well, on the nightmare of him.
In the end, whatever letter of the alphabet you apply to his condition, it’s his personality disorder, not yours. If what he did or is doing makes you feel sick, the cure isn’t thinking about his sickness and hoping you’ll find a cure for him. You’re not that powerful. The resolution is finding the best cure for you — and the best cure for you is to turn up for yourself and take good loving care of you.
I had to quit swimming in his soup in order to find myself again on solid ground. A, B, or C, his soup was the poison.
It is when we quit focusing on ‘him’ (or her) and start shining our light on ourselves, that we begin to heal, to love ourselves exactly the way we are, and to forgive ourselves and everyone who has hurt us so that we can surrender and fall in love with all we are and the world around us.
What the women and men have written here to support those still struggling with letting go of the abuser is very powerful. For those on the beginning steps of their healing journey, know that what you are feeling is normal — and then let the thought go. There is no normal in the world that will ever make sense of a relationship with someone of the disorderly personality kind. Ultimately, it is not normal to feel less than because of someone’s love in your life. Love never abuses. Love never diminishes. Love never hurts.
Abuse hurts. Stop it.
Love yourself enough to give yourself the gift of NC from the abuser. Whatever letter of the alphabet he/she is, focusing on him/her, trying to figure him/her out, only keeps your focus off the one who deserves your attention most — you.
In love and healing,
Louise
‘Abuse hurts. Stop it.
Love yourself enough to give yourself the gift of NC from the abuser. Whatever letter of the alphabet he/she is, focusing on him/her, trying to figure him/her out, only keeps your focus off the one who deserves your attention most you.’
AMEN LOUISE!xxxxxx
Persephone:
Cry, cry cry…..you get to a point where you have no more tears…..I have hardened to the point where the only thing that chokes me up is realizing I went through my illnesses all alone….treatments AND the divorce….I had no one…..I trusted NO ONE…..The S allowed me to doubt everyones intentions, I had no idea who he had conned at that point.
But…..we all want hugs and love, especially during trying real times…..AND we don’t all have that. It’s mind boggeling….but it’s true.
We can get through it….I am here to tell you! IT sucks, but with each minute, then each hour, hten each day, week, month and now years…..time doesn’t stop for any of us! It passes, we grow, we learn, we become another person of who we were yesterday…..Life is an evolution and a journey…..somehow, I think we all believe it’s the plateau we strive to reach……then we can set up camp and hang out…..My plateau fell off the mtn, and I rolled viscuiosly down to the bottom valley…..wow, shocking, I didn’t deserve this, I worked hard, was a great wife, a great employee, a great mother……WHY am I at the valley now? Well….just because…..I had more lessons and life to live.
Just when you think you will have nothing left…..yoiu will amaze yoruself with your own strength….and patience and perseverance…..JUST KEEP PUTTING ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER!
We realize the importance of things in our lives…..like taking time off work to visit your sister……when we put things into perspective, it all becomes clear….
Develope your fuck it attitude and just go for it….do it…..
We all have so many worries every day, deadlines, people to please, tasks, plans ….whatever….
I realized…..in an instant…..none of it matters…..really…..the world did not end…..I got sick….ONE DAY…..and everything on my list to do got put off for a year! Not one person gave me shit……because it didn’t matter…..it was all extremely important at the time….because I made it that way……but it all waited or went away in that year until I could get to it!
So now…..THINGS, Plans, Tasks….whatever are still important, yet, I know……none of it matters in the large scope of life. This was just one lesson my illness taught me.
So what, I have a home in foreclosure I’m dealing with…..I have SHOT credit……I have bills that haven’t been paid in god knows how long……It will all be worked out….and if not….hmmmmmm I AM ALIVE!
I’ts not that I don’t take things seriously, I DO…..I just learned the importance of it all…..I was more loyal to others than I was to myslef!
SO…..go visit your sister……your life will be here when you get back….I assure you…..and do it guilt free….
I guess it all boils down to……each decision…..the question is ….to worry or not to worry……”AM I OR ANYONE I LOVE GOING TO DIE IF I MAKE THIS DECISION”? 99.999% of the time the answer is NO!
And in regards to your relationship…..the less said the better….we tend to think we need to explain or be explained to……S’s only lie….you never get straight answers anyways…..so don’t bother. WHY?
My ex still to this day has not heard from me….why we divorced after all these years of marriage! I owe him nothing…..He knows…..if he allows himself to ‘go there’…..
and any normal thinker certainly would never let a 28 year relationship go if it was so very important without a fight……he knows what he did, he knows who he is…….he is just not sure of what lies I found out! So he is better off just ‘letting it go and not pressing me for the ‘why’….. ya know?
No contact is just that….NO contact…..
They do up the ante….the phone calls, texts, attempts…..but they get it soon enough. Your in control of listening and reading them all…..so don’t. Just cut him out. he’s not healthy for you, he is toxic…..you explaining to him your vulnerability will only open anohter door for him to attack at some point.
Just walk away……No contact is no explanation…..
It is weird, it feels weird……but you will see his evolution and loss of control over you and it will empower you…..build on every day, every minute…..
Once your ‘out’, you will be better able to prioritize your life and see what is important…..right now your in a rip current with no life preserver and certainly no lifeguard on duty.
Take care of yourself…..your worth it!
I bid you peace and a good nights sleep!!!
XXOO
EB
If I knew then what I know now. It is healing to just read the articles and posts here. You guys “get it”, even though it may have come with great cost. M.L. Gallagher, your comments are so true. We could diagnose until we become blue in the face, or become a psychologist, it doesn’t matter. They were the ones who used us, abused us, and made us feel like we were the crazy ones. It is all a power play- they want to jump up and down on your soul like Stargazer says. Would a normal person who wants good things from you, from a relationship, do these things? Certainly not intentionally like these less than zero types. I could have filled the page with some other adjectives like some of the good ones I read here. My favorite is to think of the one in my case as Miss genital herpes. Every conversation is about them, they are so glamorous, famous, rich, pretty, wonderful beyond compare, and you are crap. Well take it all back, the power, the sanity, the glamour, the love by being good to yourself, and losing the loser. I have mentioned this before, but it helps me with keeping the real mental picture. I have visions of cutting the head off of Medusa- the one who is so mean her blood drops are snakes- like in the movie Clash of the Titans. Then going back to do the same to her Gorgon sisters- the Psycopath, Narcissist, whatever, enablers or friends. Period.
Oh yeah, and you can’t stop to look at it or you will turn to stone. Run like Lot’s family from Sodom- you know what happened to his wife when she had a momentary lapse of sympathy…..
His intense narcissism has kept him from violating the restraining order and being thrown in jail. No Contact. I thought never
having to see him ever again would be enough.
Without question, the most difficult part of ridding myself of my former husband and P has been the inner struggle. I don’t think I’ve ever fought so hard for anything in my life. 21months, its been 21 months, and now, finally, even in my dreams, I reject him. What he did to me became the wolf in my head, a ghost that haunted me, a shadow that followed me everywhere. No one else can help you exorcise that demon, its a battle for your own soul…and the trouble is you’re fighting the thoughts in your own mind. Not an easy
thing to do.
I’d love to sue him, go after him legally, get my daughter’s college fund back, make him pay for all he did to us, but then I’d have to see him, deal with him, deal with the slander and malicious gossip he’s spread about me, deal with the raving lunatics, no matter how few, that actually believe his insane accusations. But suing him would not necessarily bring justice for me or for my daughter. I rejoice for every woman who is able to sustain the courage and strength it takes to fight that fight.
My own victory is more humble. I have won back MYSELF.
I am worth so much more than the dollars and the years he stole from us. The victory of winning back my mind, heart, body, and soul is more precious than anything I could have hoped for. His life is a prison because he has no soul and because he has no true value. I leave him to that and I leave him for God to deal with, and I walk away free.
Everything I ever had is gone, everything. But it was all just stuff really and I can work hard and get all that back again some day if I want to, and we’ll be all right no matter what because we’re still alive, and now we’re safe too. The thing I could not replace is the thing I saved, I saved myself…and little by little, I reclaimed myself.
Jennifer,
GOOD for you! You mention the word humble. Your victory is courageous…Not humble. You yourself are “feeling” humbled having arrived there. Because of the inner struggle it took to get there.
For many of us it is more than enough victory to be able to survive the journey of healing and come to the other side and feel “whole” again. That initself is a tremendous battle.
Don’t beat yourself up for not having gone after him legally.
Generally this takes lots and lots of energy and often times more money than it is worth. Because in the END even if you win and are legally granted the money that is due to you…You never see a penny of it anyways. So in the end it is really just another MORAL victory and you already have that.
I think you put your energy to good use!
Thanks so much for this article. The NC that’s the biggest problem for me is the NC in my head…for so long boi (my new name for him) took up all the air in the room, now he still takes an awful lot of real estate in my brain. I know I don’t love him but still the running question about whether I’ve misjudged him terribly, have been unfair somehow, etc.
I’ve made progress but still a way to go, clearly. Now to decide whether I employ the old lady with the skillet or a No Trespassing sign!
To all who said that bland is the only way to be if you have to deal with an N/P, hear hear. Only once, right after I left, did I lose it and go off on boi and he dug right into that like it was a big juicy steak. Such a stark lesson in how much of what they say or do is in the effort to get that “reward” of making you lose control. Now if I have contact (which I occasionally do to tie up some business) I’m bland beyond belief. He even commented that last time he saw me he realized that I’m not as special as he’d always thought and that I even *look* smaller! LOL. You just look older, boi.