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By | September 23, 2009

After the sociopath is gone: Our thoughts become our reality

So, it’s over. He’s gone and done the dirty D&D (devalue and discard, also affectionately known as ”˜diss and dump’) one last time. You’ve sworn, ”˜that’s it!’ a thousand times, cried your eyes out through the night, poured your heart out into the soggy pillow and vowed to get over him. You’ve ripped up all his pictures, thrown out the tokens (what few there are) of his love, including the dollar store ”˜crystal’ wine goblets and the fake diamond ring. You’ve told your friends, (what few you have left), that you will never, ever talk to the lying, cheating, manipulative rat bazturd ever again. Never. Ever. Period. Finito. Not until hell freezes over, or the Dow Jones climbs above twenty gazillion points.

You are adamant in your resolve. You are firm. Resolute.

And then the phone rings. You stare at it. Close your eyes. Dare you read the caller ID?

What if it’s him? What if it’s not? Dare you look? Dare you answer? Dare you wish it could be him calling to tell you he’s seen the light. He’s seen the error of his ways. You are his one true love. He’s been so blind. So wrong. So selfish. So sorry.

You lunge to answer.

It’s not him.

You rush to get the caller off the phone. Having given space to the thought that it might be him, you become fixated on the fear, he might call and find the line engaged. It’s not that you want him to call, it’s just that you want to know he’s still thinking about you, that he hasn’t gotten over you so easily that he can’t be bothered to even try to play one of his sick and deadly games one more time. It can’t have meant so little to him that he’s already moved on, can it? You can’t have had so little place in his heart that he’s already erased you?

And so the cycle continues. Your heart aches with every phone call, every moment he doesn’t call, doesn’t turn up at your door, doesn’t email or text or at least tell a mutual friend he’s hurting for the loss of you. (You don’t want to ask the friend but you do it anyway because”¦ well a girl’s got a right to know doesn’t she? It won’t really hurt will it? It’s not like you’re calling him yourself?) No matter how fierce your resolve to not see him again, you wish and you hope and you dream that maybe it could have worked. Maybe it could have been different. Maybe he will turn up and this time it will be different. Maybe this time Prince Charming will arise from the ashes of the fires of hell where you sent him to burn in eternal damnation the last time he walked out the door and you slammed it shut behind his cute little butt — and it was cute, wasn’t it? It was so, well just so damn fine you loved him in blue jeans and…. and the thoughts keep cascading as you crumble into tears as the realization hits you, it really is over. It has to be if you are to find any solace in your broken heart.

And in the silence of the vacuum of the space he used to fill in your life, you search in desperation for some sense to what happened. Some understanding of what went wrong, believing that if you’d known better how to please him, how to be who and what and how he had wanted you to be, he would still be there, telling you you’re lovely. Telling you you’re the star in his heart, the moon in his sky the sun that lights up his life. Conveniently and oh so capriciously, in the angst of your despair, you forget about the rest of the time when he was screaming and yelling and calling you names and tearing you down. You forget those parts as your mind fixates on the ‘good times’ no matter how few and far between, no matter how long ago.

In desperation, you come here. To this place where suddenly you find sense to his nonsense, understanding, support, relief. Desperately, you want to believe. It wasn’t you. It was always him. He was a sociopath, a narcissist, a jerk. He was a no-good, good for nothing, nothing to give lowlife of the lowest, most disgusting kind.

You want to believe and though you sorta, maybe, possibly do, you still can’t let go of the thought, it could have been different. Couldn’t it? And even though, slowly you begin to realize it could never have been any different because he truly was an S, a P, an N or some other letter of the alphabet, you can’t understand, “Why do I still feel so awful?”

When the sociopath/psychopath no longer in my life was arrested I stood amidst the devastation of my life and searched for a blessing to count — I was still alive, that counted for something. And while I knew I had gotten away from a deadly blow that would have blasted me into eternal sleep, and while I knew he was no good for me, he was the poison killing the lifeblood of my existence, there was still a part of me that wanted to hear from him, wanted to take him back, if only he’d asked. The reality of those thoughts were stunning. Imagine, he’d almost killed me but I still yearned to hear his voice, to know that he was still wanting me, needing me, thinking of me.

All I could do was keep counting my blessings and looking for things to count on to rebuild my life. One of those ”˜things’ in my life that had some monetary value — which after having lost my home, my life savings, my car, my job, and all my belongings there weren’t many — was the three carat diamond ring he’d given me with the promise to love me forever. It was a big, glittering thing set in white gold. It had to be worth something and with seventy-two cents to my name, even a tenth of its value was better than nothing.

So, I did what any jilted, broken-hearted penniless woman would do, I decided to sell it. I took it to a jeweler to have it appraised and imagine my surprise when the jeweler looked up from his loupe and said, “It’s fake. A good one, but fake nonetheless.”

I laughed and I cried and I vowed to never again put my faith in another man (well that’s another story but at the time, I really, really meant it!).

I was desperate. What could I do?

The falseness of that ring represented something. It was a symbol of all that was fake about him — and that was everything. Like him, it too was a lie. He had given it to me as a symbol of our eternal love — “Nothing’s too much or too good for you, Louise,” he’d said when he slipped it onto my finger. “You deserve beautiful objects like this diamond because you are a beautiful diamond, a real gem.”

Of course, that was the second time he’d slipped it onto my finger. The first time, surprise, surprise, it had been too big and he’d taken it to be resized but then it had disappeared and then reappeared two years later — after the other woman had had a chance to wear it ‘proudly’ for awhile, I later discovered.

But back to the ring. I had believed it was real. I had believed it meant something. I had invested great meaning in its beauty. I had to do something to disconnect from the ”˜story’ of what that ring meant so that I could let go of my need, my want, my desire to believe it wasn’t all a lie, he hadn’t really meant to hurt me.

I decided to throw it away. Into the ocean.

On a picture perfect summer afternoon, a girlfriend and I headed to a cliff overlooking the sea and performed a ceremony to send the ring off into the waters of life. I had the ceremony all mapped out. It was perfect. I’d written a letter, read it out loud under the clear blue skies, burned it, and blown the ashes into the wind. I had done all those things, had released him and myself from the hold of his lies. Had said I forgive him. Had promised to love myself enough to forgive myself too. And yet, when it came time to cast the ring into the ocean, I hesitated. “What if”¦ the jeweler was wrong? What if it really was real?”

I stood on the rocks, the waves crashing below me, the sun beating down and I cried and I cried for fear, it was all a mistake. The ring was real and so was his love and it was me who had been so wrong all along.

See, we want so desperately to believe in the perfection of what we perceived their love to be we fear letting go, just in case it’s all some cosmic mistake that will be set right the moment we open our eyes wide enough to see, he really is the prince of light — it was just a dark cloud blocking his true love from illuminating us in the rosy glow of his promises of happily ever after.

In our need to believe we didn’t make a big mistake, or even worse, fools of ourselves, we cling to the faint, lingering hope that the cosmos got their wires crossed and left us to clean-up their mistake. If we could just find the magic crumbs that will lead us back to our happily ever after, every thing will be okay and he will once again appear on the horizon of our dreams.

Reality is: Ain’t gonna happen. Just ain’t possible.

I threw the ring into the water that day and as it spun and twirled in its descent I still wanted to grab it back. I still wanted to hold onto it, to never let it go.

That ring has long ago washed up on shore somewhere far away, or been eaten by a giant man-eating shark and I have long since let go of ever believing there was anything about him that could possibly have value in my life today.

But I remember. I remember those moments of wishing and hoping and fearing that what was, really was. I remember wishing upon every star that he wasn’t really a liar and cheat. He didn’t really consciously, knowingly, willfully do the things he did. He didn’t really lie and deceive and manipulate and destroy everything and everyone around him.

In my acceptance of the truth — he was the lie, the ring was a fake — I let go of ever having to hold onto the hope, it wasn’t true.

In my acceptance, I stepped into the truth of what happened to me and let go of thinking about him as anyone other than a liar, a cheat, a manipulator, a deceitful, deceiving and destroying being of the human kind.

In my letting go of that ring, I set myself free to explore the possibilities of who I can be when I no longer look for my truth in someone else’s lies and instead, spend my precious breath finding the truth in me.

Reality is, when we ask, “How do I stop loving him?”, we are avoiding asking, “How do I begin to love myself enough to stop believing I will find the truth in him?”

If you are attached to believing you cannot stop thinking of him, ask yourself, “What in it for me to keep believing I can’t?”
If you are running the story of him through your mind again and again, ask yourself, “What’s in it for me to keep the story of him alive? What’s in it for me to avoid writing a new story of my life, a story where I am the architect of my joy and happiness, where I am the heroine of my story of love?”

We are our thoughts, our thoughts become our reality. What we focus on becomes stronger in our lives. If your thoughts are focused on him — change them into thoughts that support and love and honour you. As Louise Hay writes, “It’s only a thought and a thought can be changed.”

Change your thinking. Change your life.


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Louise,

Thank you so much for this excellent and insightful post.

skylar

Louise,
can you write another one please, but make this one about the ugly, grotesquely formed baby you found on your doorstep. You swore to love it and overlook its ugliness because it was going to grow into a beautiful swan. This special needs baby was deserving of all your love and attention.

Then the baby grows up and it’s still an ugly twisted deformed ogre, and it hates you and wants to kill you.

The reason I say this is because, there are so many layers in the experience of life with a P. Someone reading your story, might think it was all romance and belief in love. But it was more than that. Deeper in the layers of our psyche, there was pity. Louise, can you tell me that there wasn’t a huge element of pity involved in your “romance”?

Sure, we can tell ourselves we will never be deluded again by a suave and sophisticated liar, but if you don’t address the pity ploy, you haven’t really got any closer to resolving the problem.

That pity ploy can be wordless. My exP could get me to buy him computers and TV’s without a word spoken. He just had to look dejected for a few weeks and I was out looking for gifts to cheer him up. It wasn’t just gifts, it was loyalty, love, gratitude, kudos, sex, or anything. The power of pity cannot be overstated. So how do you protect youself from your own empathy? That emotion that makes life worth living because it allows true connection and differentiates us from the sociopath?

Even after he is gone, a huge part of my sorrow, is my investment into this doomed project that I called my love. I had emotionally invested into a person that I thought I could “complete”. Didn’t understand how many puzzle pieces were missing, or what the picture would end up looking like.

The sorrow comes from knowing that my ugly little baby is just that: Ugly from the outside all the way to the core. It will never be a swan. It is so sad and painful. Should I stop loving it?

Twice Betrayed

Ladies; we must ditch the ‘broken wing syndrome’ when it comes to males. Nope….I’m outta gauze, tape and splints. 😛

Tilly

When my last psychopath partner walked into my life I was affirming positivity, writing letters to God daily, Tithing and had done seven intensive years of seminars and changing my thoughts and my attitudes (along with with 18 years before that of Louise Haye catherine Ponder Sondra Ray and the list goes on)
OH! underneath, in my subconcious lurks my negative ,preconditioned, ugly insides….so its all my fault that the witty, charming, fake Victor Frankl walked into my life. After all he is only a MIRROR of what I AM! HUH! THANKS A LOT LOVE FRAUD!! FOR naming me a heartless psychopath like just the same as my ex pschopath!
I don’t buy it!
I did heaps of “work”, read all the books and am a witness to my core beliefs so they don’t run me! So how tf am I to BLAME for these a##eholes coming into my life???
Go JUMP!

Tilly

I was with some girls when one “threw her ring into the ocean” (a common thing to do over here at the end of a relationship as the ocean is everywhere). I dived straight in desperately to retrieve it. (I was sleeping on a bench with kids and no food due to domestic violence. Think of others who can hock the damn ring and get a meal for their abused kids or themselves with it before you go tossin it away.) Too late, back to the starving kids while poor little rich girl wallowed in tears in her luxurious bed).

Tilly

Get real.

Ox Drover

Dear Tilly,

I hear the stress, resentment and the anger in your posts….first off, no one is saying that YOU were “bad” and that is what made you fodder for a psychopath’s con…..

NO ONE….is blaming YOU for what happened to you.

QUOTE: ” THANKS A LOT LOVE FRAUD!! FOR naming me a heartless psychopath like just the same as my ex pschopath!”

NO ONE is “naming you” anything, Tilly. You are angry and putting “words” into people’s posts that are NOT there.

Back up, Tilly, and find out why you are so angry. NO ONE IS ATTACKING YOU. We are here FOR you, Tilly, not against you. (((hugs))))

breckgirl

Tilly are you okay?

I did not see any blaming of us for the N/P/S coming in to our lives.
What did I miss?

I do see a great piece on how hard it is to let go of the illusion of the relationship – I know for me I so wanted what I thought we had to be real and what I wanted to see and reality were two different things – it took me some time to make myself accept reality as it was and not as I wished it to be.

breckgirl

And by the way my N knew how to manipulate my desire and to dangle the carrot always just out of reach so that I kept staying engaged in trying to get what felt like it was just out of reach –

He kept me so busy and distracted I did not have time to rationally process what was going on until I gave up out of exhaustion and frustration. And for awhile I wondered if the next woman would somehow be able to make him and happy and be treated well by him –

it is due to this site and other information that I learned it was a game and the next girl will be another victim of his selfishish manipulation and exploitation.

kim frederick

Yes. There is really something going on for you to react so over the top. A lot of people here have taken a good deal of time to explain to you what the article is trying to say. If you’ve done thaqt much work on yourself you should get it. Getting defensive and then spewing vile sarcasm and insults at people is one way of proving the very point of the article. It makes people around you angry too and makes them want to retaliate, or at least not treat you as kindly as they had in the past. Maybe they just ignore your tirades. Is that what you’re trying to attract into your life?

kim frederick

Tilly, I’m sorry. I just think its time to let it go.

Hecates path

Louise,
Thank you for sharing yet another piece of your story, and the wisdom that evolved from it. In addition to being a very gifted writer, your ability to weave your insight and reflection into your narration is amazing. Honestly, reading this piece made me feel very peaceful because of the soothing rhythm of your words. You put things and ideas together in a really unique way. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself so that others may benefit.

HP

witsend

Skylar,
wow, I liked how you wrote that a big part of your sorrow came from your “investment in your doomed project”. I know I didn’t quote your words exactly, but you certainly do have a WAY with words. Great analogy.
And when you put it that way it certainly gives another perspective…..I guess the point I am trying to make is this….

People invest in “doomed projects” all the time….
Usually the projects become doomed because to much time, effort or money was spent and the project can’t “continue” because there is no way for the project to be finished to end up profitable.

In essence this is exactly what you did in your relationship with your S/P/N….You invested WAY to much of yourself and in the end there would be nothing of “gain” for you, for your investment.
You can’t keep putting more of yourself into this because it has depleated you. Sucked you dry. Just like a bad business deal.

Is that what you meant when you put it that way? Or is that my own off the wall interpatation?

Tilly

“We are our thoughts, our thoughts become our reality”.
I am not my life.

Ox Drover

Tilly,

I agree with Breck girl and Kim, something is “triggering” you and your reaction is coming across as anger and striking out at those close to you.

Having a “hair trigger” is part and parcel of the PTSD and the reactions that we come to have after we have been so wounded by those “closest” to us.

None of us here are striking at you in any way, but are pointing out that your anger at whatever this trigger is is COUNTERPRODUCTIVE for YOU…and because we CARE about you, whether right now you realize this or not. If I could I would reach out and (((hug)))) you and encourage you to talk about what is bothering you, because that is many times how we work through those triggered feelings.

Bad things do happen to good people, and psychopaths do hurt people by using our caring and our other “weaknesses” to work against us. I’ve been “suckered in” probably as many times as anyone here, but it is because I was VULNERABLE and was not able or didn’t know how to protect myself from being hurt.

Now, I am learning how to protect myself. How to seek and get the things I need, first from myself…and to have HEALTHY relationships with HEALTHY people and not fall for the crap, the “carrot,” the psychopath holds out. All that glitters is NOT gold! sometimes the “gold ring” is made out of BRASS or FAKE DIAMONDS, just like Louise got the “fake” diamond and the “fake” man. We WANTED to believe it was real, even when it started to “tarnish” and we started to suspect it might be fake, we still WANTED it to be REAL. Finding out it wasn’t real hurts, finding out we have been “suckered” hurts.

We can learn from these past events though where we were suckered, so next time we can be more cautious.

I met a lady a while back, five or six months ago. She had been suckered by several psychopaths, there is no doubt about that. She was destitute and distraught, totally down beaten. However, she was so intent on going over and over her abuse and “justifying” that she j”could not have known” that any of these people were psychopaths, so NONE OF THIS WAS HER FAULT that she never made a bit of progress toward healing. She was STUCK in this rut of “it’s not my fault.” Even when I tried to show her that she was not “to blame” because her partner(s) lied to her, robbed her, etc., but that they were waving RED FLAGS all over the place and that she might need to LEARN something from her experiences, she was only more intent on “not being to blame” that I wasn’t able to communicate with this woman that there IS HEALING OUT THERE, but that just “affixing blame” to the psychopath for what they did is NOT going to help her put her life back together. I even went so far as to say, “Okay, you were NOT in any way responsible (note I used the word “responsible” not “blame.”) for what happened to you, it was ALL some one else’s fault….NOW, what are you going to do to fix your own life?”

She looked at me like I was DAFT as she had not even thought about what she needed to do AFTER she affixed blame to them. Then she said, “But I am a VICTIM!”

Unfortunately, as long as she feels that way, as long as she thinks that way, she will always BE A VICTIM….and she will fall for another Psychopath, just the way I fell into the trap of psychopaths time after time…not just romantically either.

Accepting that we made the choices we did, and accepting the responsibility for those choices turning out badly, and trying to see the PATTERN in those choices so that in the FUTURE we don’t repeat that kind of choice….so that we have a better life and a safer life, safer from psychopaths and all their cons, that is teh purpose of LF, and the purpose for me being here.

Each of us helping the others, and together, we all stand firmer on the road to healing. When two people hold each other up, they both stand more firmly, and when a while mob of people link arms and hearts, we all stand up and keep each other from falling. Tilly, link your arms with us, with me, and let go your anger over whatever it is. You are in my heart an dprayers ((((hugs))))

breckgirl

I have to say that it was with enormous relief that the information on this site finally allowed me to say THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME –
was i uneducated? Yes. Was I a victim in the past due to lack of knowledge and an abusive childhood – Yes…

Do I have to be a victim again – well hopefully if I do begin to become involved with a dangerous person again I will like Edna realize it and know that no man worth my tears will make me cry and a man that makes me cry is not worth my tears.

Do I think there is power in positive thinking – yes – but that alone is not enough – I think the bigger piece is the ability to observe what the other people are doing – how they are behaving and how they make you feel at a gut level – because as i did with my ex-N I can take his nasty evil behaviour and think all kinds of positive thoughts and rationalizations around it and turn myself inside out and my life upside down by staying engaged in his nonsense.

SO – there are more pieces than just the positive thinking – but it is an important piece for healing – FOR HEALING and for refusing to acceot the trash behaviour any longer.

I do believe the slowing down and observing – really observing what is going on and taking time to feel my feelings and check them is going to be crucial for me going forward.

Tilly – I am with Oxy – and I barely know any of you – but if I could I would sit and hug you and drink tea and eat toast (if you like tea and toast – I do…) and maybe take a walk and scream and throw rocks at old bottles or something like that to get some of our rage and hurt out and then maybe go indulge in a nice massage or a pedicure or osmething good for you. I am so sorry for the terrible stress you have had to live under – it is almost done – school with the monster will be a memory before too long.

kim frederick

I took a fiction workshop a number of years ago, and as we were discussing the aspects of writing a short story, we covered such topics as “VOICE”, “POINT OF VIEW”, “CHARACTOR”, “THEME”, SETTING”, ETC. as if all these things are seperate and discreet. It was only at the end of that discussion that we came to agree that all these considerations are quite intertwined. That is to say, in order to create a plausable story everything works together. I think that’s the way it works in real life, too. It makes sense to me. Any thoughts?

teacher123

I didn’t get anything out of the article (another good one) that says we are to blame for attracting or allowing others to hurt us. I think the most of it was about them, and how could they do that to us? But I have to agree that you have to change your mind to become “pussy positive”, or else you will remain a nanny negative who stays in perpetual victimhood. If you were in 12 step program they would “encourage” you into thinking you can go without a drink. It kind of is a cosmic law that says- as a man thinketh in his heart- so is he. I guess i shouldn’t bring the Bible into discussion again as my post will be deleted. If you believed in that sort of thing there are some examples- how about we call it history of good people getting crapped on and coming out all the better. Joseph was almost left for dead by his own brothers who then sold him only to be imprisoned falsely- his end was better. Job had a whole chapter of really bad things happen to him, so much so his own wife told him to curse God and die. Things got better for him (fortunately). I saw the story of Ghandi with Ben Kingsley- very powerful movie, and I couldn’t believe he had that much willpower to seemingly take all the crap he went through. But it gave him that much more power in doing so. But anyway I am sure what you have been through is much worse because it has happened to you, and not somebody else from a movie or in a book. Australia is one place I would like to go- I have never seen a kangaroo or koala, wallaby or wombat not in zoo. And America isn’t as great as everyone makes it. There are freaks with guns, tattoos, and bad attitudes around every corner. But you have to try to remain positive, or you lose, and someone else wins. Quote from Emerson, “Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not”.

skylar

Witsend,
yes, that’s what I meant, in part. It is something like when you buy stock and it tanks. But my relationship w/my xp has always been very “parental”. I had to “keep him in line” and guide him so that he wouldn’t be broke all the time, so that he would eat right and take vitamins, bathe, brush teeth (sometimes). Help him in every way. He was very infantile.

when I wrote that I was deeply involved in self-pity and wasn’t thinking about how it might make someone else feel. It didn’t occur to me that you and Oxy, actually had real babies that grew up to hate you. I forgot about that. I hope that I didn’t offend or make you feel worse with my analogy.

I tried to talk to the P today on the phone and got a dose of what you deal with every day. wow! you cannot even follow any kind of logic. The lies, the lies, the lies. Then they change the whole conversation and nothing you agree to is good enough. It’s psychological warfare. For NO REASON! Makes all my EMPATHY GO OUT THE WINDOW. I SWEAR!

I think he is suffering from paranoid delusions. Maybe that is what is happening to your son too. I have heard that they suffer from paranoid delusions of persecution. This is common. It’s just that it doesn’t appear the way you would imagine it. There are no shifty eyes or hunched shoulders, there are only lies. People lie when they fear the consequences of telling the truth. Perhaps the more they lie, the more paranoid they become?

This is too much too take. We need a retreat for survivors of psychopaths.

Ox Drover

Dear skylar,

As I told Witsend the other day, it doesn’t bother me (now) to talk about or think about my P-off spring. The BOY is “dead” and gone and the “Man” is a stranger. A dangerous stranger, but a stranger none-the-less, no “relation.”

Dear Teacher,

The Bible is a book with much wisdom, even for those that are not believers in its divine origin. the book of proverbs and Paul’s letters give a great deal of information on how to live a good and peaceful life.

The story of joseph is one of my favorites and having read it in the last couple of years with a NEW set of eyes, I realize it has some great wisdom about “forgiving” those that have treated us badly.

When Joseph’s brothers showed up in Egypt, he had arleady forgiven them, however, he did NOT trust them, until he had severely tested them to see what kind of men they had become in the 20-30 years since he had last seen them, and it was ONLY after he saw that they would put their own lives on the line to prevent their father’s grief from losing Benjamin, the only other full brother Joseph had. Then, he saw that they had truly changed in how they thought and acted, so he revealed himself to them.

There are many stories in the old and new testaments that I have seen NEW (to me) meaning in since I started to read the Bible with an OPEN mind, not one that is prejudiced by what I was taught as a child.

I also read philosophy and the sacred texts of other religions which also contain much wisdom in how we should conduct ourselves for our own peace and contentment in this life.

Donna is not going to delete your posts if you are not “preaching” to others that they must believe as you do or be doomed to “hell”—she respects the spiritual and religious beliefs and our speaking about them as they effect our own healing. That is one reason I came to this site, the owner and the bloggers respect the whole person and are tolerant of other’s beliefs.

Tilly

I am really sorry. I am an over-reactive oversensitive paranoid brat. But lucky Oxy’s skillet still works and I am eating humble pie. Yes, I am stuck. And, yes I want to be stuck because i need my anger to cope with the p’s in my life, right now. So yes I have an investment in being stuck. Out here in the real world I am being as nice as pie to all the abusers around. So I really am sorry.
(((lovefraud))), now its back to class.

PInow

Louise, this was absolutely awesome. A work of art. Thank you for knowing. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for making it.

teacher123

OxDrover,
Understood. My only question or comment is why don’t more people judge or evaluate religion better? We allow religion/spirituality to be free from inspection-maybe that is why it is so corrupt-not mentioning anyone in particular….
Tilly,
I know I have no knowledge of you or your situation in detail, and even then may not be qualified to pass judgement. Sorry. It is ok to hate sometimes-just direct it at those more deserving of it-and kick some psycopathic ass with that skillet. Bless. Lend it to me when you get through…….

skylar

Louise,
Perhaps it is arrogance that makes me hold on to the pity. He accused me of arrogance all the time. But maybe he was right.
Maybe I have hope that my investment will turn around or maybe I just want those 25 years to mean something to more people than just me. If he WAS to become a swan, he will go out into the world and do good instead of evil.
Or maybe it is fear. I fear what he will do to me and to others while he continues to pursue evil.
Maybe I just can’t stop thinking about it and pity keeps me from hating. Maybe that is why God gave us the ability to pity – so that we wouldn’t hate the ugly and deformed things that we encounter. So that we will say, “there but for the grace of God go I.”

Wow, my own words just reminded me of the movie, “Monster” with Charlize Theron.
http://www.chasingthefrog.com/reelfaces/monster.php
Argh, did anyone else see that movie. I can’t even describe what it did to my psyche.

Now, knowing that my eXP is like that woman, I get sick thinking about it.

super chic

It took me over 50 years to understand “change your thinking, change your life”… it’s still a minute by minute struggle. What about people that don’t even understand what that means? My sister used to say “thoughts are just thoughts” and I never got it, her saying it meant nothing to me. It was ony after a major shift in my mind, I went from crying and being miserable to being happy in one day, it wasn’t anything I did for myself, at the time I was still looking to being validated by someone else, but it was the FIRST TIME I noticed the transformation in my thoughts and realized that I could think anything I want to. If someone else could cause that in me, IMAGINE the power that is available if I could do that for myself! I could use a lesson in how to keep thinking good things, how to keep sending positive energy “out to the universe” so that’s what I get back. It’s like there are 2 people in my head, one that wants to be happy and one that puts me down and makes me doubt myself.

skylar

SC,
it works the opposite way too. The P’s lie all the time and I’m beginning to notice the very real mental illnesses developing in the older ones from the lifetime of lies. Paranoia is common in the P’s. Well deserved because they have made so many enemies in their lives, but at the same time, they imagine that everyone is out for revenge. The truth of the matter is that most non-P’s don’t really care to put much effort into punishing anyone. We just want to live in peace.

I think that lying also causes paranoia because lying is usually a defensive mechanism. You only lie to those who have power over you. when you lie to everyone, you are re-affirming the belief that EVERYONE has power over you.
Soooooo sick.

kim frederick

Isn’t that the truth. If I had all the power in the universe then you wouldn’t matter and I wouldn’t have to lie to make you happy. I could do, be, and act any way I wanted and it would just be okay. If I’m lying it is because you have some kind of power over me, even if it’s only psychological, which, of course, is probably the strongest kind of power there is. Really good insight, Sky.

kim frederick

Let me just say though, that withholding the truth, to the P is ” the last great act of defience”. Remeber that T-shirt from the 70’s, with the little mouse, cowering, flipping the bird while the emmence eagle bore down on him? I really believe that a P might die before they told you the truth. Like

Although I think a poster child P is like the little mouse on the 70’s T-shirt, “the last great act of defiance” flipping the bird to the huge eagle bearing down on him. I think they will lie til they die, cause it makes them think they’re powerful. Like Casey Anthony, We’ll never hear the truth from her, and it gives her her little crumb of satisfaction. Psychopath!

teacher123

Wow great insight into how the disordered operate/think. I always wondered about their motivation. Mine put great effort into getting close to me then ripping me at the heart. I am a grown man with children, but I was reduced to tears in front of her. When I went to her begging/crying for her to ease the attack I could swear I saw the biggest smile like when Sylvester eats Tweety Bird. It is hard to really understand that there are people who take great pleasure in causing pain in others, and for some the more pain/torture/mayhem/death even the better. Back to the skillet theme… Skilllet is a Christian Rock Band that has some pretty good lyrics. Here is a link /web address to a song called Awake and Alive from their new CD.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6Lu_v1Ncto&feature=related

Ox Drover

Teacher,

That look of GLEE is what I imagined was on the face of Satan when Eve took the first bite of the forbidden fruit! “Lookie what I got her to do!!!!”

Satan is the ULTIMATE psychopath as represented in the Bible, and the only thing he “gets” is to have others get into trouble. Makes others suffer. That in itself is his motive. I think that is one of the reasons many people fail to “get” what a psychopath really is (other than a “serial killer”) because the “motive” isn’t about just sex or greed, but making others suffer! It is power and control, and their perception of their own omnipotence.

BlackDeer

“You only lie to those who have power over you”…GOOD ONE Skylar! There’s a lot to think about in that one sentence.

luv716

Louise, Wow thank-you so much this post really explains how I been feeling, how I feel now and what I should be doing. Thank-you so much

skylar

yes, Oxy you’re exacty right.
I’m learning more about evil in the last 4 months than I have ever wanted to know or even thought that there was to know.
I was educated in Catholic schools and I don’t remember being taught anything that would have protected me from the P’s. On the contrary, I was taught to look at myself as sinful and to forgive others their sins. That kind of attitude just feeds the psychopath.

On the otherhand, I was reading the book, The Art of Selfishness, and it talks about using your nieve, trusting nature in order to bring out the truth in a person. It’s just another way of saying “give them all the rope they need to hang themselves and they will.”

This is a strategy that has always served me well – but in the case of the P, I wasn’t aware that I was using it and it took me 25 years to see the hangman’s noose. I almost ended up in it too.

The key here is to behave nieve and trusting but not BE that way. This way the P’s will not be as covert in their behavior and the mask might slip. Then you can see them for what they are. If you show and tell all your thoughts, you are just giving everyone a hook into you.

Sarasims

Great article!!!! It hits home for me!!

“You’ve ripped up all his pictures, thrown out the tokens (what few there are) of his love, including the dollar store ’crystal’ wine goblets and the fake diamond ring.” Mine was a “special” necklace that belonged to his deceased mom. So very special that it turned color and turned my neck green after wearing it 3 days!!! I bought him a gift that he’s never taken off…..even still wears today. And every time he crawls back, he commits his never dying love….he thinks about me ALL the time…..has NEVER taken off the gift I gave to him bc he loves me so much. Quoting someone else on LF “Cry me a river a**hole!”. I’d like to rip it off his neck and punch him the face with it in my hand!!!! But since that won’t happen, I can just dream about that possibility.

I’ve actually burned and destroyed many of the tokens (SO VERY FEW) or things I had that reminded me of him. At the time it was symbolic and every time I burned one more thing, I’d say “that’s it, I’m done.” But for some reason, I couldn’t stay committed to “I’m done!” But now I’m realizing that “for me”, my heart was not with my head. Both have to be in the same place to move on.

You know, my S drove me to insanity – to the point that I actually felt like I was starting to act like a S myself. I recognized (although not admittadly at the time) that he was playing games with me and started trying to counter him with my own games. Trying to “win”. But NEVER able to do so. And that really scared me. Now I see that. Why should we have to be in a relationship that we have to “play games” to keep it intact? What a really sad existance. Now I realize I’m winning every day…the day NC began.

Ox Drover

Dear Skylar,

Unlike many of us were taught about “forgiveness” it does NOT mean “pretending it didn’t happen”—-forgiveness NOW means to me to get the bitterness out of my own soul about what they did, but NOT to trust them again unless they show a decided and consistent and LASTING change in behavior.

Not gonna happen with a P as we all well know. So I have “forgiven” them (gotten the bittereness out of my heart, in other words not being bitter forever) but I sure as heck will not let them get in another few licks—-OUT DAMN SPOT! as lady mcBeth said! LOL

Oh, and I realize I am not perfect and I “sin” and do things wrong, but I also FORGIVE MYSELF for not being perfect!

Stayingsane

M.L. Gallagher

Thanks for great post.

My P hooked onto my trusting naive faith and played it to the hilt to extract as much benefit as possible for himself

The red flags WERE there, I saw his tricks, I smelled each lie but there was something hypnotic about being so close to something so dangerous, that was worth staying for…why did I stay so long believing the lies? could it have been because I was mesmerised by the promise of transforming him into a human being? or waiting like a child that’s been thrown into the air to be caught again in loving arms?

I was never going to transform anyone but myself and he never caught me in loving arms…I fell on my face and got really hurt…. I still feel his hands in my entrails, so as predator prey I do not feel as if I have got away…yet I appear free…that’s what disturbs me right now…he has taken me over until i find a psychological way out….revenge is not it, but positive thinking won’t cut it either.

maryknoll

After the initial experience with my S, I was drained and desolate, shaken by the injustice of being taken as an innocent child and molded into believing indentured servitude was normal and acceptable then accepting servile, hateful jobs and parasitic partners later in life .

Because expecting and accepting very little out of life was hardwired into me during those formative years, even though I know better now, I still have to be careful when I am lonely, when I am tired, melancholy, in crisis, or sick, because the S’s out there have a homing device for vulnerability.

I have come to realize the S’s take the innocent, keep them weak and continue to feed on them, as long as they can. They are who they are and they will not change. I was angry and indignant at first, but that was because I didn’t recognize what they were and they were able to take advantage. I didn’t realize I could say NO.

Now I know I can choose who and what I want in my life. I have learned that these people don’t stick around when I set boundaries, when I place my needs above theirs, when I say and continue to say NO. They don’t leave because I’m not wonderful enough or not attractive enough or not rivetting enough. They leave because there are easier targets out there.

I have come to understand that expending angry energy is pointless. I can spot them going forward and simply think to myself, “Oh, you’re one of those. Whatever you want, the answer is NO. Move along.” Today, the sun is shining and my life is good. Why waste it on hating those who don’t deserve a part in my life?

neveragain

Tilly, I agree with a number of your points. It would drive me nuts to see someone throw a REAL diamond ring in the ocean. Donate it to a charity! Of course in Louise’s case, the whole point was the ring was worthless. However, having seen what things kill marine life, I’m with you!

AND, having grown up in a church that taught me we even choose our own parents (huh?”), that we attract everything into our life, etc etc……I react strongly too to any suggestion that we are responsible for everything that happens in our life. Nice philosophy to have if everything is going your way, you’re an American that has never dealt with no clean water, funerals every week, nasty diseases, true stravation for even short periods of time, etc. etc.

Yet, I see that my thought can have SOME impact on my life, often a big impact…but that is GIVEN a certain baseline, and even then, *hit happens! Yes, we are in control of our reactions, but how is anyone going to react positively to being in bombing for example and seeing people blown to bits. Come on!!!

Nor do I buy “everything happens for a reason”. What is more true, is you can find meaning and some silver lining often, but again, not always. After all, rose colored glasses, not being firmly connected to reality is part of what a P can exploit.

And I agree that even sometimes I myself use language that would seem to be putting the blame on the victim.

Bottom line…what is true is we have the ability to respond. But even sometimes that ability is short circuited by brain chemicals, brain washing, trauma bonding….all sorts of things beyond our immediate control.

Change your thinking, change your life…..is true…..IN A LOT OF SITUATIONS. But by the time you are my age and you see someone die of cancer, and it is a cancer where they are given 2 weeks to live, and they die in one, you feel like clobbering the person who was busy harping at the person on death’s bed saying “Don’t give up! You never know! Think positive thoughts!”

So Tilly, I actually think you have some valid points. I’m NOT full of anger, I’m in a good spot, and yet I share your views, so don’t get down on yourself.

I also love the blog. It is like the old story about blind men each feeling a different part of an elephant and describing what an elephant is. But one only feels the trunk, the other only feels the tail, etc.

So we have great posts like Steve’s saying “It was NOT you” and we have great posts saying “Change your thinking, change your life”. Sometimes I think the lovefraud community grasps on more quickly to those that still say we need to change, because we still don’t want to grasp EVIL.

But even when we TOtALLY get it was not US, that these people are EVIL, we can learn some better ways to defend ourselves. I do think that is the healthier way to look at it, but maybe Tilly and I are together at a different spot on the elephant.

Tilly is hurting, so some sarcasm comes out, etc. But I do think her points are well worth considering.

maryknoll

Yes *hit happens, but we’re not talking about bombs falling from the sky and blowing people to bits here. It’s about accepting destructive personalities, including employers, friendships, and especially lovers and life partners, into our lives. The first time, we may not see it coming. Maybe not even the second time or third time and so on. Eventually, though, I think it’s on us. In my case, there was a pattern, but I couldn’t see it because I was busy peeling off the layers of chaos in the various areas of my life. Then when I was ready, it was so very humbling to accept that I had had a choice. Finally, I forgave myself and that’s when I started to heal.

skylar

Maryknoll, I love what you wrote about just refusing to have them in our lives. That is certainly the first step. We MUST protect ourselves or we are good to no one.

But we are ALSO talking about bombs falling from the sky. We ARE talking about narcissism in ALL of it’s forms. Well, I am anyway.

The reason we don’t see narcissism is because it is part of the scenery and we are used to it. I’m so glad that you and I, the walking wounded, won’t get hurt again, but that’s not enough for me. I’m with Tilly on this. (But, I’m not as angry as she is because I’m sitting here safe right now.) Our entire culture is built on narcissism, so it’s only going to get worse. And when an entire culture becomes a malignant narcissist, we can only look forward to WAR. Yes, bombs dropping from the sky. Then we all run around protesting it or hiding from it, or whatever we do, but we never addressed the root of the problem: the insidiousness of narcissism in every aspect of human life.

think of Saddam Hussein, Bernie Madoff, Scott Peterson, the entire country of Mexico inundated with drug lords, the tobacco companies and Pfizer (the great liar). They are all part of the scenery that we are used to. So the narcissists just blend right in when they live next door.

Every moment of every day we have the obligation to identify narcissism and reject it in all its forms. Whenever we have the opportunity we can also educate ourselves and inform others.

Today I got one of those chain email, telling me that I HAD to pass it forward or else…

I realized it was just another form of gaslighting and control!
Control by proxy, since it was sent by an unwitting participant and filled with good wishes…LOL.

I did not forward it.

neveragain

Good points! And one reason I didn’t see it was I was raised with it, it was NORMAL behavior in my life to have to “prove” myself to a N. And to be treated badly by them in return. That is what love was as far as I knew!

I ACCIDENTALLY married a person who really knew how to love, but I got married so quickly, he could have been a P! So in that case, I got some good stuff in my life ACCIDENTALLY! In fact, I was so mixed up about what was normal that on our honeymoon I thought oh my god, what did I do?! He was acting normal which was very ABNORMAL to me! Being honest about his feelings,etc.

Look at McKenzie Phillips. She hardly had a fighting chance at knowing what normal was!

Ox Drover

SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!

I got a letter and my paper work back from the “Reverend” today and SCREEEEEEAMMMMMMMM!!! I WANT TO WRITE HIM A LETTER BACK SOOOOOOOOO BAD!!!!!!

But I won’t—-but OH, HOW I WANT TO!!!!! WHAT A FREAKING, JUDGMENTAL NARCISSISTIC KNOW IT ALL HYPOCRITICAL PIECE OF FAKE “CARING”!!!!!

Oh, well, what the heck did I expect? He even went so far to say to me that “anger and bitterness” are sins too!!!

That’s not what MY BIBLE SAYS, my Bible quotes Jesus as saying “BE ANGRY and sin not!” Jesus was angry himself at the hypocrits, justifiably so, so I guess if it is good enough for Jesus it is GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!!!! But, I’ve got to get the wrathful feelings for this creep out of my head! Thanks guys for letting me vent!

neveragain

Oh Oxy, I’m soooooo sorry. They are everywhere. And so is ignorance. And in the most ironical of places.

Keep your head high. As the Betrayal Bond book says, those who go through what we all have gone through emerge with a special kind of knowledge and strength that few achieve. The book also says that one risk of recovery is that “you must be willingto reisk that others will misperceive you.”

YOU know the truth. And you gave truth a good shot at coming out. That’s all we can do.

HUGGGGSSSSS

skylar

ARGH! I’m screaming with you Oxy!
Let me at him… I’ll fix his goose!
seriously, I’m in a mood today. I’ll write him a letter that will make him sorry he ever considered himself a human being. Letter writing is my specialty!

I got another email from my P, that’s why I’m pissed too.

Is it very long? Can you transcribe it for us? I just want to get back at someone and you’ve put the minister in my cross hairs. Me and Tilly will rip him a new one!

looking4A

I grew up with the sociopath (DS) and was not a bit surprised to read about the scams that he has pulled. The vicims should not feel foolish in any way to have been taken in by him. Believe me, he has has been practicing this behavior for more than 35 years. He will never be rehabilitated or change the way he treats peaple. This is simply the way he is. As kids we would get a kick from his coniving ways and for the most part thought it was funny (back then). Who knew that he would remain an A** H*** for the rest of his life?

Tilly

Justabouthealed:
Thank God for YOU! I feel understood and heard and yes we are on the same spot on the elephant. You will never know how much your post means to me. Thankyou thankyou thankyou!!! I believe God sent you to me today as I have had the same experiences as you in this and can no longer not express it. And when I stuff down what I know is true for me I get sick and so sad. Especially sad thaty I can’t stop someone else from having to go thru what I did. So Thankyou justabouthealed, your post is the most important part of my entire recovery and has helped me to move on, just by knowing that you “get” what I have been trying to say. I hope I can save some women from being disollusioned and stomped on and wasting YEARS AND YEARS of her life thru feeling shame for “choosing the parents they did” and feeling guilty for “attracting the dreadful reality she has” or the liver cancer she made herself get through her anger at the psychopath. etc.
Thankyou so much. It means more to me than words can express
love Tilly
xo

Ox Drover

Thanks, Guys!

SIGH!!!!!!

Well, it really IS WHAT I EXPECTED, so I am not too disappointed…..his letter was so much DOUBLE SPEAK and “excusing” himself for DOING NOTHING! “He’d been so very busy” for WEEKS of course. And besides, there wasn’t anything in my documentation that showed I iwas in “immdeiate danger” of course, like a TIME AND DATE my son planned to kill me. LOL

My rage has passed, sigh, and you know when you are NOT blindsided by what happens it really doesn’t get to you like it would have if you had EXPECTED something, and I did my best NOT to get my expectations up.

I knew, first off, that this guy was pretty NARCISSISTIC and Know-it-all anyway and very JUDGMENTAL, oh, BTW he told me in the letter he was NOT t “judging me” LOL Oh, well, nothing new here, I never did like the guy since I met him about 36-7 years ago.

Ox Drover

PS: My son C said “what can you expect from the WILLFULLY BLIND?” You know, I’ve got a pretty savy kid! Well, he will be 40 next month, so he isn’t a”kid” to anyone but me! LOL

neveragain

You are welcome Tilly, and your words mean more than you will know too!

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