Time. It waits for no man. Nor woman.
I cannot hold it in my arms. I cannot stop its inevitable course. I can only journey with it from this moment to the next. I cannot change time passing. I can change how I pass through time.
Time. When in an abusive relationship, tied up in the lies of a sociopath, time was my foe. It passed in relentless pursuit of itself, while I stood still, locked into the macabre dance of his sinuously veiled truths reflected in the contortions of his lies sifting through the hourglass of time, burying me alive. With him, time passed slowly. Heavy. Ponderous. Dark. Angry waves crashing against the once impenetrable fortress of my psyche, eroding my foundation, peeling back my flesh to expose the soft underbelly of my dreams until I stood, alone. Lost in time.
With him, time passed, but the pain endured. Each moment a continuation of the last. Each second weighing me down until I could not rise above the nightmare of my happily ever after dreams distorted in the mirror of the living nightmare of the truth that I was dying. Time passed and I stayed trapped in silence. A victim of my fear that I could never be more than the silent witness of this living death with him. And then time stood still.
And in that moment. I was set free.
It was time.Time to pick up the pieces of my self. Time to discard the horror of his lies. Time to turn up for me. Without him and his lies.
Without him, time is my ally. Time passes, and as it moves it washes through me like waves rippling upon the sands, gentling caressing my wounded spirit, setting my heart free to break wide open in love. Time supports me. It moves through me and under me and over me and in me on gentle wings of love. Time encompasses me with its melodious song as I learn to dance to the gentle tattoo of my heart beating freely in time away from the constraints of what was into what truly is.
At the time of my release from the nightmare that was my life with him, I was numb. Every moment filled with tears. The pain of what was and what I could not yet believe would never be again pummelling me with its incessant questions of what happened to me? At the time of my release, I feared I would never find the missing pieces of my self. I feared I would never find myself in time to stop the bleeding of my heart.
In time, I found my answers. In time, I found myself.
My journey through time away from him began on May 21, 2003 at 9:14 a.m. Since that date, I have never spoken to him, seen him or tried to contact him. Other than the one time while he was on parole when he jumped out at me from the dark of a tree he was hiding beneath, (www.dandelionspirit.com) I have had no contact with him. What a gift of time!
No contact has been my life support. It has been my safety harness, my flotation device. It has helped me through those times when my body ached with loneliness in the night and my mind yearned to hear him say, I’m sorry, or any other lie he would have conjured up had I taken my precious time and given it to him.
Time is wondrous. Time is miraculous. It is a gift from the Divine. From the heavens. It is a gift of life.
Time becomes our ally when we face the truth of how much time we’ve spent being hurt by the one who says he loves us the most. When we count up the moments spent trying to fix the times in which nothing could ever be put right because we were always wrong. When we weigh our tears against our laughter and discover the imbalance caused by his relentless pursuit of what he wanted without consideration to us or anyone else. When we balance out the facts and find the truth buried somewhere in the past — that we can never measure up to his lies — and don’t want to. When we quit saying, I’m sorry, to the one who isn’t real, whose love is but a four letter word scattered like chicken feed to appease our hungry heart’s need for succour. And, when we take the time to look at ourselves in the mirror and recognize the miraculous beings we are, in spite of our flaws, our pain, our sorrow we discover the time is now. Now or never. To be free.
In that moment of time, we crawl out from under the burden of the past, tentatively stepping into the light of a new day dawning. Our eyes squinting, our minds reeling against the beauty of a world we had forgotten existed beyond the confines of the dark corridors of his lies.
It takes time to come to the truth. It takes time to find our selves again. But in time, all things are possible.
In time, the pain fades, the tears subside and fear moves us into the courage to surrender to that which has endured throughout our journey through hell. Love. True love comes to the rescue upon a moment in time when we accept no one else can make the pain stop. No one else can fix it. No one else can make it all better. It’s our time to turn up for ourselves and love the one who is here right now, in this moment, needing our time. To love ourselves.
In time, I have come to love myself. All of me. Beauty and my beast. My strength and my weaknesses. My flawless imperfection of being human.
In time, I have surrendered my fear and claimed my right to be free. Claimed my right to love myself, exactly the way I am so that I can be all that I am meant to be.
In time I have come to know that feelings fade, emotions pass, time moves on — and only love can heal the broken heart.
In time, a broken heart becomes an open heart. An open heart is a loving heart as each day opens up to the glorious truth that I become the love of my life. The more I give. The more I receive.
May your day be filled with loving moments spending time with those you love, doing the things you love, being love, giving and receiving. May you find yourself today in time to love the one you’re with.
Hi, I just wrote to another blogger on How To Get Over the Heartache of Being Conned on the June 1 issue. I wrote cause I think was conned by the same man as her!!! OMG! But now, blogging about it made me feel all the sickness twisting around inside that I had thought healed. So your story about no contact is true in the emotional and pyshical way. I was doing so well.
I got my email from lovefraud today and decided to log on. Maybe i shouldn’t have. It helped me heal when times were tough after Mark T ruinied my life. I thought I was okay today, now I cry. I have to not talk when he calls me telling me he still misses me and love me. I’ve taken him back SO many times over such a long time. I feel like an idiot AGAIN. So I can’t even think about him. I thought I was fine. I know he’s already with someone new immediately and I know how he cheated over and over (god knows how many) on me the whole time I thought I was the only one…I slowly figured it all out piece by piece and still take him back when he fakes tears, or fakes feeling sad…and it’s all just too hook you in again for supply.
No contact. No contact. Why would I want contact when I know the truth? What is the matter with ME?…like she said..he makes women fall in love with him for sport. like a game. like a hunter and the kill. Why would I ever speak again to such a creature.
Thanks for your lovely blog about feelings fading. They do. they did. But I made contact, or rather, thought about him and the pain in my heart reopened. I pray he doesn’t destroy the new girls he snatches up on the Internet site as fast as he did me…and the one before her…and before her and before her and before her. How could I fall for his act. He made all these promises, was so sweet and loving, he created a fantasy with no intentions of fufulling it. How cruel. How cruel to the children. How could I not see the evil in his heart. I guess I have lots more work to do.
Dear Sunny, You ask some interesting questions — How could I fall for his act. How could I not see the evil in his heart? We fall because we see the love they are holding out to us and reach back in the expectation that they are who they say they are, who they appear. We cannot concieve that they would be lying about that most precious, tender, and fragile part of themselves — their hearts — until it’s too late. We’ve opened up our hearts to their scrutiny and been sucked into the web of their deciet. We can’t see the evil in their hearts because they hide it. It is not a deficiency in us — it has everything to do with them.
No matter how far I get from that relationship, I always have more work to do on me — that’s the fun part! Getting to know all of me. Falling in love with the wonder of me. Surrendering to the beauty of my life, exactly the way I am.
Don’t berate yourself for having had contact — love yourself for having the courage to re-implement No Contact. Protect yourself. Fiercely. Completely. Lovingly. Do not even take his calls. Don’t listen to a word he says — He is The Lie.
Whether or not he’s with someone new is nothing to do with you. You’re very wise to recognize that he is after supply — focus on the truth and let go of WHY.
The question of ‘what is the matter with ME?’ is the one I have focussed on. To find my answers I delve into what is right with me. What do I want in my life. Does what I’m doing support me in attaining my dreams, or detract me from reaching my goals? If I want A in my life, does doing B get me more of what I want or less? I keep myself honest, and open to what I’m doing. I do not berate, denigrate or criticize myself — I acknowledge where and when I make mistakes and then take steps to improve. When I know better, I do better.
You’re on the right track Sunny. Loving yourself exactly the way you are. Forgive yourself when you slip and hold yourself up to the light of knowing — you are awesome.
Dear M.L. Thank you for your response. And for your article. Everything you say is true. Focus on my goals, but as you know, the aftermath of life with a sociopath sometimes highjacks your brain and off you go, whirling, trying to fix something that can’t be fixed, but has to be healed and discarded.
I am glad for posts like this and people like you, a touchstone not provided for anywhere else. I thought he was the love of my life and to know he is on to someone new in just days, giving her all the words, charm, dates and sweetness he used to fool me, fills me with envy, sadness and fear for her. But like you said. It’s time for me.
And to all those out there who are in the beginning stages of healing, it does get better with time. It is slower than most breakups or disappointments but will happen. Thank you, M.L!!!
Hello M.L.
This is in response to your post about being in relationship. I was with a Borderline Personality Disorder. He was very extreme and I related a lot to the information on Psychopaths.
I have experienced the shut down feeling that other women have talked about in regard to relationships. And I also have these funny moments where I see people kissing in TV and I think to myself “oh, how nice. I forgot about that.. that looks interesting” but so far, I don’t think I am ready to open my heart. I date very very little. On a date about a month ago (my first in a year), my date told me that he sensed that I was on “high alert” and waiting for the “bad man” to come out. Ugh. He totally got me… I was doing that. I didn’t really realize it until he pointed it out and then I felt sick.
On “no contact”… yes. I get this. I find that I feel anxiety attack symptoms just reading some of this material as it brings up those painful moments I went through. No contact is the only way. My heart still jumps out of my chest when I get a text message chiming in even thought I changed my number. I will never forget when I moved home and had to shut off my number. The cell phone company cut the number and I started to cry with relief. When he used to email me, I would stay awake all night arguing with him in my head. How could he be saying what he is saying to me? How could he believe he is the victim of me?
On manipulation. He cried. I knew it was fake in my stomach. He just wanted to see if he could “bleed” me some more as you said.
On forgiving yourself… thanks for saying “it’s his shame” or something like that.. I have to look back. I have spent many many hours wondering how I could let that happen. The more I read about all this, the more I see that I was absolutely no match for what I was up against. And like all the others, he was a dream come true at first.
I am going to share the informaton I found on this site with a friend of mine who went through a similiar thing at about the same time as me. We have eachother and that has been healing for us. It is difficult to describe to ppl how this happens, how it feels, and how it hurts to someone that has not experienced this kind of thing. Until it happens to you, it is something you think you could never fall for.
Anyway, I could relate for hours what I learned here but I won’t. Just wanted to tell you that I found reference to this site on http://www.dontdatehimgirl.com. That might be a good place to advertise your book. Many of the stories on there sound strangely familiar. I saw another post by someone else that described my story even better and it wasn’t even about him. What I wrote was only the tip of the iceberg. Of course, it wasn’t the tip of the iceberg that sunk the Titanic, was it?
Thanks for sharing your story and your healing. Truly.
Sincerely… AlohaTraveler
Hi AlohaTraveler,
I wrote this morning on my blog, (www.recoveryourjob.blogspot.com) about what it means to me re my accountability and choices and the fundamental, irrefutable truth — no matter what I did, what I believed, what I thought, I never ever deserved to be abused. No one does. Nothing can ever justify their lies, their manipulations, their deceit.
I remember those days when a cell phone ringing somewhere in the room, if it had the same ring tone as his, would send my nerves on edge. It took about a year for that to quieten, and still, every so often, a tone will erupt and I’ll fill that shrill response within me. It only lasts a second — but in that second, eternity exits. Fortunately, I am able to remind myself, that was then, this is now, take a breath and continue on with my beautiful day.
Forgiveness for me was and is the key. When I walk with a forgiving heart I am peaceful and joyful. And you’re right, it is something I never thought I would fall for, have happen to me — it did though, which goes to show there’s always something new to learn!
In having become the victor, I am stronger, more confident, more self-assured than I was before him. I know who I am, I know and uphold my values, beliefs and principles. I am unshakable. I am free.
what an awesome gift.
Thank you for the site reference. I will check it out!
Thank you for sharing your journey as well. When we share our stories we support each other, light the way and create space for our new stories to begin.
Shine on!
MLG
I am only 4 months past his leaving. I have lost my job because I can not stop crying or get out of bed. He took thousands from me with his sob stories of poverty and yet has never once paid a dime back with his shallow promises. I have hired an attorney to go after him for everything, but how likely is retrieving anything?? I took out a loan for his car which I then paid off and he took the title and forged my name. He is a graphic artist and works for OUR goverment and is capable of forgery. Now the car is in HIS name and I can not claim the 20,000 he owes me on it due to his excellent forgery and lying skills. He robbed me of my heart, my soul, money and a normal life. I was 40 when I met him “on-Line” and he lied to me about building a life with me. He even produced a cheap engagement ring 2 years ago so I would feel more secure to buy him a car and lend him thousands more. He would hang at bars and party every night and then be furious that I was upset about it. I was not allowed to call him on Sundays or Mondays during football season because I was a bother during his games. If all this wasn’t enough–he was a sexual deviant and pervert. He was obsessed with me having sex in front of him with other men ALL the time. He uses and sells drugs and yet works for the Goverment doing classified airstrip simulators for Rock Well Collins–makes me feel real safe with our security system. I have had no contact in 4 months because he left me 12 hours after telling me I was the love of his life and we would be married in October! Then he went on a business “trip” with 2 women. I had a heart attack while he was gone and when I tried to reach him at the hotel in Boston to tell him—he told me to %$#@....... off and I was ruining his trip with these women!!! I never heard from him again other than nasty e-mails telling me what a pain I was and how I ruined his trip because I had a heart attack. ! Please ladies–I know he is out there and dating someone—I wish her better sense than I had! 4 months and I am still grieving–over what????? 6 lost years?? over 60,000 lost cash—the lost promise of a husband. I have lost 30 pounds in 4 months, my job, my sanity–when does it stop! He blamed 100% of everything on me and my insecurities. I still feel as everthing was my fault, but after 4 months of counseling I know in my head it was not my fault at all. He walked away as easily after 6 years as someone walking away from a hot stove. It is slowly killing me inside knowing I was nothing more than a thing he used for his own gains and pleasure
Soloflyer1961, I can relate to a few experiences from above. My psycho also wanted to have sex with me in front of others, it seemed to be the only time he got very excited, just thinking about it. There were times I thought normal sex between two people who cared about each other was not exciting enough for him although he seemed very attracted to me. He also left me, thank God, less than a week after , asking me to marry him for the 30th time, saying I was the love of his life and making plans to be together for the rest of our lives. He moved out the day after Xmas like it was nothing after he got mad at me for being quiet when he purposely mislead me into believing what he was going to give me for Xmas. He promised many things, and delivered nothing. In the end he blamed me, of course accusing me of wanting only money from him. Meanwhile I am financially independant and had more assets than he did. Even though I told him i knew he didn’t have much financially he still accused me of being a goldigger?? He was the goldigger, something he did alot was accuse me of being what he was. He was involved with another woman with in weeks of us spliting up doing the same thing, saying the same words and telling the same lies. It has taken me a while to start to feel better about myself. It has been 6 months now and I am a different person, for the better. Sorry to hear about your financial loss. Because I was recently divorced when we met, I had no interest in marriage, but it could have gone another way if I was ready for it.
Soloflyer1961, I can relate to what you went through. The sociopath I was involved with was obsessed with fantasy sex about watching other men have sex with me. Although I never did it for him, he always talked about it. I think it’s the only way he could get off. Also, I think he is bisexual but would not admit it to me. He told me he had sex with men, but then told me he lied about it that he didn’t. Yes, he is a total “mind f—“. He can’t even be honest with himself.
I am so sorry that you went through that. I think I am the same age as you and I met him when I was 43. I finally came to the conclusion that I did not come all this way in my life to put up with this. But I know how hard it is because you have so much of your emotions invested in the relationship. You are not that relationship and it’s not your fault. He’ll keep doing the same thing to whoever he is with. I have to work on forgiving myself for putting up with it for so long. Reading people’s posts on this site helps because I know it’s happened to a lot of good people. Sociopaths are manipulators, users and abusers. I think it is hard for us to understand how anyone could be like that so we give the benefit of the doubt, look for redeeming qualities. There are many reasons why we stay but the important thing is that we are out now and we stay out of those kinds of relationships. Take good care of yourself.
Ten months since I had him legally removed from the house. Only eleven months of marriage but I can’t even begin to feel longing for male companionship. No contact…NOT an option with a child born to us both. The law gives him rights…to use his child to get at me! My strength and awareness of him and what he is, my only defense. Sometimes I forget and act myself…a luxury I do not have. So I must remember, replay the abuse…so I don’t open the hole he will pass through and expand on the other side when he gets there. And then I feel stuck…cornered…and abused still.