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Another reason to discuss psychopathy: Jane’s story

It is cleansing for people to discuss their experiences with psychopathy.  Some stories are unbelievable, mimicking the material that should only appear in movies. Others pack a less dramatic punch, but are, perhaps, even more devastating.  That’s the nature of most brushes with psychopathy.  When the stories are ours, however, it is not until we start to learn about the disorder, that we are able to begin making sense of the non-sense and heal.  Without a working knowledge, success is rare.  Our desire to identify and overcome is often how we end up here.  Since I began sharing what I know, many have begun telling me of their struggles.  Often, they have few words for the relief this brings.  I am retelling one of those stories.  The person who shared it hopes that her story will help others, by either facilitating prevention or lending validation.

One day, a women with whom I am acquainted, but do not know well, approached me at a function.  She was from out of town, but through friends and family, had heard about the cause I hold dear, and the passion that I have for psychopathy education.  When a mutual friend mentioned that I had begun contributing to a blog, she decided to check it out.  Something within told her she should investigate.  Unexpectedly, she learned something that had the potential to change her life.

She came up to me and quietly said, “You know, I have read everything you have written.  I have read many of the other things that others have written.  I think I know someone who is a psychopath and I think he kind of negatively impacted my life.  I’m serious.”  She went on to say that her story was slightly different than most she read about, but was, nonetheless, just as difficult.  We sat and talked in our own little world for hours.

As the afternoon drew to a close and we had to part ways, she told me I could write her story.  I asked if she was sure about that and she nodded in the affirmative, telling me that others had to know what she lived with for all those years.  She went on to say that had she understood sooner, things may have been very different for her.  She admitted that she did not think anything like this existed in seemingly “normal” people and added that she still might not have ever known.  Luckily, the information she stumbled upon will hopefully help.

Innocence

Most of us have probably been there.  Young and in love.  Perhaps we had a crush on the boy who sat across from us in Algebra or someone famous and unattainable.  Regardless, the teenage years can be filled with new feelings, some of which we know what to do with, and others with which we do not.  Jane fell head over heels for a local boy from town. He was good looking and always had something nice to say.  They dated for a time.  She loved him dearly, but always felt like something was “off.”  After a few abusive incidents, at the age of 17, she chose to end the relationship.  As high school drew to a close, so did they.

Life goes on

As kids do, they went their separate ways.  Each met and married other people, but Jane says that her feelings for him really never died.  She couldn’t quite put her finger on why she felt unable to release him.  She now acknowledges that she experienced the “psychopathic addiction.”  This is the same phenomenon that causes the victims of psychopaths to sometimes “stalk” the psychopath.  It is difficult to go cold turkey from any addiction.  The psychopathic bond, or betrayal bond, can be one of the hardest to break.

She did not stalk him, but rather, she tried to forget about him.  Jane met the man who would eventually become her husband.  She was committed to him, never wavering, but she could not help feeling this deep, emptiness that told her heart was elsewhere.  As the years passed, she and her husband had two children, a boy and a girl.  They did everything  young couples were supposed to do.  They worked, bought a home, vacationed, and had many close friends with which they shared many good times.

However, Jane lived in a close knit community.  She encountered her first love from time to time.  They had many mutual friends and were cordial with one another.  In fact, her first love ended up marrying one of her close friends.  She and herhusband were both in the wedding.  Jane recalls choking back the tears that day, since she was filled with bits and pieces of sadness and envy.  As relationships with psychopaths tend to go, that marriage did not last.  In fact, between the ages of 20 and 60, three more of his marriages failed.  Hers remained in tact…for a time.

“Lifespan psychology” 

But over the years, Jane and her husband grew apart.  She said that they came to hate each other, but that no one had really done anything wrong, worthy of such loathing.  There had not been any cheating or abuse on either of their parts.  She explained that she felt as though a part of her was unavailable to give what a wife needed to, but did not know why.  They watched their children grow and went about their daily activities, but clearly, both felt something was missing that could not be recovered.

As fate sometimes goes, Jane’s path crossed with her first love’s.  She wondered if the stars and planets had finally aligned.  Energetic and positive, she always saw the glass as half full.  Both were single and decided to rekindle what once was.  She thought that maybe maturity had changed him.  He had been single for a time, and in recent years had held the same job.  In fact, he became quite successful.  After all, she felt that he really was a good guy.  Most importantly, she had not been able to shake him from her thoughts for over forty years.  It had to be right.

It was not.  The relationship was fun, filled with excursions and tastes of the good life.  Jane was showered with the attention that she remembered.  It was the type of attention that her psychologically normal husband was never able to match, but that she measured his love by.  Her husband had loved her, but he loved her normally.  With her first love, she was in the process of being “lovebombed,” just as she had been as a young girl.  Everything seemed perfect, at least until his mask cracked again.  And crack it did, leaving her stranded, far from home.

Even prior to witnessing his failing facade, Jane felt inexplicably uncomfortable.  Things were strange.  Minor words or incidents left her uncomfortable or even slightly afraid of him.  She minimized her feelings and told herself she was being ridiculous, but somehow, her gut knew better.

Unable to make sense of things, but longing for answers, she tried talking to him, but met with the silent treatment.  He was done and he made that clear.  It seemed that when the relationship began to turn “real,” he chose to run.  She felt alone and longed for the man she “knew” and had so many good times with.  In reality, however, that person never existed.

New Beginnings

By happenstance, Jane came to realize that her first love was probably a psychopath.  Shortly thereafter, she considered the possibility that her brush with psychopathy may have ruined her marriage.  She feels that she never recovered from the stronghold of the psychopathic bond and somehow had created her idea of a normal relationship based on her dysfunctional one.  Nothing normal could ever measure up.  “I had no idea what I was dealing with,” she told me.  “It wasn’t until I started reading, when I looked at the traits and behaviors, I realized that I had been trapped by a psychopath since childhood.”

Upon coming to terms with this, she began counseling.  Her counselor agrees that her first love is a indeed a troubled soul.  Although she asked me several times if I thought it really could be.  She still questions herself and her experiences and fights the urges to seek understanding from him.  I explained that it is, quite possibly, one of the toughest pills to swallow and to look to those who understand and care for answers and strength.  No one wants this to be.  But, sometimes, it just is.

So much work comes with recovery.  One must soul search, come to terms with the things that we cannot change, and work to manage those we can.  I have every confidence that Jane will fully recover and appropriately take on the demons she must face.  None of us here thought this would be part of our futures or have consumed so much of our pasts.  We can, however, control what comes next, at least to some degree.  Thank you, Jane, for your bravery.  Thank you for wanting to share your story.  Once touched by psychopathy, our lives may never look as they would have otherwise.  Sometimes, that’s not a bad thing.  It can be especially rewarding if it allows us to come to terms with events that touched us profoundly and allow us to move forward happily.

Jane is a pseudonym.  Some minor facts were altered to protect identity.

 



Comment on this article

72 Comments on "Another reason to discuss psychopathy: Jane’s story"

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Linda, thank you SO much for this article. Jane’s experiences speak a great deal as to just how deeply a person can be affected by spath entanglements.

For whatever reason, I’d had brushes with spaths throughout my life, and I’m firmly convinced that I attracted these types because of my own flawed core-issues. I didn’t “know” about these issues because only trained professionals and those seeking answers AFTER the carnages discuss them.

It does come down to accepting what is and changing only those things that we have the power to change – ourselves.

Again, thank you Linda, and thanks to Jane for her courage in calling a spade what it is.

Brightest blessings

I think volumes could be written about high school blasts from the past reappearing in our later years. They sure do love to use Facebook!

The relationship ended badly way back then, we moved on with our lives (maybe not in entirely healthy ways). 5-10-25 or more years later that guy comes back and we dare to hope he grew up, won’t cheat, won’t lie, won’t deceive, won’t use and abuse. It seems to rarely ever work out.

I know some of these people are psychopaths and I know some of them are *just* deeply damaged people. I think they’re universally looking for an ego stroke, that sweet and loving girl who bent over freaking backwards for them. They seem to have amnesia regarding the bad things that happened. So they come around again, take what they want just like before, and seem surprised if we are hurt or finally say “enough, already”.

Yes, this has happened to me. Nothing made me feel more empowered than telling that high school “sweetheart” to go away forever.

I feel like this now. I feel like I won’t ever, ever be able to love a “normal” man because they are too “boring.” It wasn’t because of a high school sweetheart, but because of this recent spath. I feel that same pull…the door was never closed…there is always something “there.” I pray all the time I am not alone the rest of my life because of that bastard. What the hell do they do to us?

Louise,

I think I could only break the bond (and the cycle of misery) with the last, and most dangerous man, by hitting rock bottom. I went to therapy, got honest with myself and talked about the things that had happened to me that led to such a horrendous relationship. I reminded myself every day that I could not continue loving and wanting a person who was never real.

I chose me over him. I’m more important.

Linda,
what a sad story. It almost has a mythical quality in the sense that Jane’s early encounter with the spath contaminated her marriage in some “magical” way.

Louise, when spaths put us on roller coaster ride, they juxtaposition the highs with the lows. Later when we remember the highs, they seemed so much higher because of this. Just like white seems brighter against a black background, the spaths’s lovebombing is remembered as brighter against the times when they devalued or ignored us.

Dawn, I love what you said, “I could not continue loving and wanting a person who was never real.” That’s the crux of it.

Great article, linda, and goes to show that it doesn’t take a long term marriage for a psychopath to have a negative impact on us. Just that brush with him when Jane was a kid and didn’t know what she was dealing with, “tainted” the rest of her life and her relationships.

I have so often said “first we must learn about THEM, and then we must learn about OURSELVES in order to heal.”

Not knowing about what HE was (maybe not even a full fledged P, just high in the traits is enough me thinks) and not knowing what was going on with her attachment (addiction?) to him, or with herself didn’t allow her to heal from the first encounter.

I’m glad she is even at this late stage iin her life healing and growing and coming to understand them and most important, herself.

Some good points to ponder in her story. Thanks, Linda

skylar:

Regarding the highs and lows…exactly! Even the OW said it. I remember her saying that the highs were so high and the lows were so low and that is what made the highs seem even higher. Just absolutely unbelievable!!! Isn’t it absolutely amazing that the spath did the same thing to all of his women?? Apparently they ALL do the same thing from what I read on this blog. I am still in disbelief. I think I am getting past the hurt and into disbelief. They invoke the exact same feelings in all women with their tactics. It’s craziness. How could I have known though? That’s what I think bothers me now. All the subtle things he was telling me…how could I know he was saying the same things to every woman?? For example, here is a tactic he used that I didn’t figure out until years later. He would tell women what he liked and didn’t like in a woman and then sit back and watch the women transform for him. He must have really been getting off watching all these women become thinner and thinner (because he would tell us he didn’t like fat) and start dressing to the nines (because he told us he liked a “sense of dress”). Unbelievable! I fell for it and didn’t even know what I was falling for! It was subconscious…it was a cruel mind game and it was sooooo subtle there is NO WAY any woman would know he was playing. Cruel and sick.

By the way, the young guy from work who had cancer died last night. 🙁

Louise,
🙁 Was he a friend?

Regarding the spaths manipulating us to change for them: it’s all about shame. They want us to feel that we aren’t good enough, so we have to look better, try harder, compare ourselves to others.

Shame and envy are their stock-in-trade. Even the highs and lows are all about shaming us by putting us on a pedestal and then knocking us down to size. My spath, near the end said to me, “My friends think you are arrogant.” WTF? This was completely out of the blue with no context to anything going on. On top of that, his friends don’t actually know me.

I was so confused that I had to go look up the word “arrogant”. The defintion says, it means thinking you are better than you actually are. He wanted me to have no self-esteem at all.

Though spaths may use different methods to get us there, they are all the same in their agendas: Shame and envy.

The reason for this is because envy is what they feel all the time. And as Girard says: “Envy involuntarily testifies to the lack of being that puts the envious to shame”

skylar:

He was a co-worker. I wasn’t his friend, but of course worked with him for years. It just feels weird. I originally said he was only in his 30s, but I think that is wrong. I think he is in his 40s, but early 40s. I will know when the obituary hits the newspaper. I want to go to the visitation, but am afraid because spath will most likely be there. Isn’t that horrible that I feel like I can’t even go to a visitation for a former co-worker because of him?? I guess I could go either really early or really late so I don’t run into him. I hate this.

Thank you once again for your explanation regarding what they do to make us feel unworthy. That’s exactly what he was doing…playing the other woman and me against each other…her jealous of me, me jealous of her. It is EXACTLY what he wanted and neither one of us was aware so what happened? She was jealous of me (before I was even aware of what was going on…I had NO clue she was even seeing him) and then I became jealous of her once I started seeing him and figured out what was going on. He loved it! He probably had to go to the restroom at work just to get off he loved it so much! Sorry…that was graphic, but probably actually happened since he loved to do himself so much. Yep, he is so shameful he has to slime everyone else to make himself not hurt so bad. That’s why he’s an alcoholic, too.

Arrogant…ha! That’s a good one. You are not arrogant. You just aren’t a pathetic human being like him and he couldn’t stand it. UGGHHH.

Louise,
I’m sorry about your co-worker’s passing. Even though you weren’t “friends”, he was someone that had become part of your life for awhile. Now, I think, you want some closure by going to the visitation.

I know it’s easier said than done, but I think that you should not let the spath interfere with that closure. As it is, he has attempted to never give you closure with regard to your relationshit with him. I’m sure he’d love to know that he “got ya” again.

As I said, I can talk the talk more easily than I can walk the walk. The times that I ran into my spathy neighbor women, I felt like crap, I was triggered and upset. But still, I think that the more we expose ourselves to these difficult situations, the less they will affect us. It’s like getting over a fear of spiders. There is only one way to do it. (Though I haven’t done it!!!)

If you choose to go to the visitation, plan to reward yourself with a delicious massage or some other indulgence afterwards. That way you can manage the emotional turbulence better.

Yes, I know he was projecting his own arrogance. Later, when he was pulling his final con on me, he told me “You have no EMPATHY!” LOL! 😆

Wow! This is so familiar to me. Especially not really being able to let go of the dream and continue on in a healthy relationship. My husband is absolutely wonderful, loving, and most of all, HEALTHY. Yet, I understand Janes struggle with comparisons. For some strange reason, the height of excitement and love I felt for my ex spath is something I have never fully experienced with my husband. That is a good thing…but it does leave me to feel as if I’m missing out from time to time. I agree that it’s because I am over romaticizing the highs of the love bombing from my ex spath. I have to remind myself to remember all the emotional abuse every time I slip into the longing.

I am still amazed at the length of time this “feeling” remains. This is truly the first article I’ve read on here that is so much like my own story. I feel very validated. Thank you so much.

I’ve dated a few men since the spath and found them very boring. At first I would joke with people and say I didn’t think I would be attracted to anyone again. Now I am getting worried about it. I can so relate to this story and parts of what everybody said in the comments. My 21 year marriage had been very bad for a number of years without much happiness and when I met the spath I thought maybe it was my turn. Whoa. That couldn’t have been farther from the truth. Of course he had morphed into what I needed after he figured me out. Which he probably did in about 15 minutes. Open book.
This is like the “double edged sword”. I know I’m looking for a man like him. Witty, funny, smart, intense, etc. But, without the spath qualities and If I’m attracted to someone I will probably run screaming the other way. This is hard. The qualities I most admire in a man, I am now afraid of.

skylar:

Yes, you are right. He wasn’t a friend, but when we are in a work family and you see someone almost everyday, you form a type of bond…a work bond. I have been gone from there over two years, but I still saw him almost everyday when I was working.

If I go and spath is there, I will get tremendously triggered, but more than that (because as awful as it will be, I can handle the triggering), I don’t want him to think that I would turn up there because of HIM. I know him. He would probably think some goofy thing like that when in reality, it has NOTHING to do with him. I think I can pull it off if I go really early and make it fast; pay my respects and leave quickly before spath turns up.

No empathy…haha! Wow, that was really opposites day!! He was totally projecting with that one! 🙂

the sisterhood:

I agree. I was thinking that just today how even though I am really healing now, it’s the dream that I will probably always hold a piece of. He was everything I always wanted, but didn’t know it until I was with him and part of his life. Even after knowing what he is, there is still that dream. We all know what that is like and we all have a different dream…we all have our own image of what OUR dream looks like.

I think this “feeling” can truly last a lifetime. I really do. Unfortunately so. 🙁

kmillercats:

You just described me exactly. It’s good to know someone else feels like I do. Not that I want you to suffer! It’s just comforting knowing I am not the only one who feels that normal men are boring and that if I do find someone I am attracted to, I am going to run fast in the opposite direction!

Linda, thank you for sharing this story. I think it is understandable that the psychopath had such a profound effect on her as it was her first love. Knowing how powerful the psychopathic bond can be, unfortunately, I can see how she would use that as a standard of measure for all future relationships, especially because she didn’t know WHAT he was!

I too thought the connection was so powerful that I couldn’t stop it, and I didn’t know why. I did try to fight it every step of the way and when i finally saw the cracks in his mask, i refused to see him. But by that point he had gotten most of what he wanted from me…..except for his total control of me and ultimate destruction of my life as I know it.

This article really hit home because my husband is a normal man, capable of love. It made me realize how much time Ive wasted in a state of CD over a person incapable of human bonding. My time needs to be spent enjoying and appreciating the man who has really always been there for me, my husband, the real deal.

Thank you again

Snow

skylar:

I just looked up my former co-worker’s obituary online and today is his birthday! So he died two days before his 43rd birthday. Sad. I knew he was pretty young. I thought 30s, but turns out he was in his early 40s. He was educated; was an Engineer.

Kmillercats, you wrote, “I know I’m looking for a man like him.” Having experiened two marriages to sociopaths, I would hazard the gentle suggestion that it might be a GREAT idea to put “…looking for a man…” of ANY set of qualities on hold for a good, long while.

I only suggest this because, as I’m continuing in my recovery, I’m identifying many, many vulnerabilities that left me open to be exploited. Personally, I’m not looking for ANY man, woman, or child to fill me up with a sense of purpose, desirability, or value. I’ve got to learn how to value myself FOR myself, and putting that “need” into the hands of another person would very well result in another catastrophic relationship. Perhaps, at some distant point in the future, I may be healthy enough to entertain a relationship, but I don’t foresee this any time, soon, if ever.

Louise, I’m sorry that your co-worker passed. What a sad loss. And, I never accept that “he/she fought the Good Fight.” There’s nothing “good” about battling any illness, especially cancer. Very sad.

Brightest blessings

Truthspeak:

Thank you. It’s horrible. He was so young and was married with three children. Also a huge asset at work. Like I said he was an Engineer and very smart. Very quiet. It is sad. A battle it is. After I saw my dad battle cancer, I realized why they called it a “battle.” It’s a downright war! 🙁

Louise, what a sad thing for his wife and family! And, I’m sorry that your father passed after the same type of battle.

You know, this sort of speaks to what human beings are equipped to process. Walking beside a family member or loved one who eventually loses their war against whatever grave illness they had is something that human beings are able to process, after a time. It’s “normal” to grieve over such a sad loss.

Compare that understanding with the grieving process over lies and illusions. We’re simply NOT equipped to process that kind of loss because there’s no Xray or lithmus test that can conclusively say, “See that? THAT is why the person that you loved never existed.” It’s a completely different sort of loss, entirely.

What a shame for your co-worker’s loss. Very, very sad.

Brightest blessings of support and comfort

Truthspeak:

It is a sad thing for his wife and family. Thank you for the condolences of my father. It was so tough watching him suffer, but he’s been in peace now for four years.

You got it! Exactly. It’s normal; a part of life to grieve over loved ones who lose their battles with these horrible diseases (or for any reason). We grieve and always have the memories. We loved them and they loved us and it was “real.” Somehow we are able to move on much easier after those experiences. It’s so hard to process a loss from a spath…to mourn something that was never really real.

HealthyLady,

He won’t ruin your life if you don’t let him.

The question isn’t how do you make him go. The question is how do you get away.

Just never, ever talk to him ever again.

Athena

Thank you, Athena. I feel like crying, but I have no one to speak to. I’ll try and not talk to him again from tomorrow on. Let’s see how/if it works. Will he ever leave me alone?

I never thought there were people like that. I thought sociopaths and psychopaths were different and more recognizable. I never thought any of those would want something from/with me.

Dear healthy lady,

He may indeed come back and try to “ruin your life” but I suggest that you come clean with your husband, because sooner or later he WILL find out….and it will be ultimately better if it comes from you rather than from the Boy friend, I would think.

You have allowed yourself to get into a pickle to say the least, and it sounds like with is angry/sad/nice/cynical e mails he may be very high in Psychopathic traits.

You have no control over how he behaves, now or in the future, but only on how YOU behave. So take the moral high road and do what you know is right, and there may be some consequences for what has gone on, but being up front and honest from this point on is only going to make your life easier and better than trying to cover up what has gone on.

Good luck and keep on reading here, learning and applying that learning to your life and your relationships. Good lucka nd God bless.

I am soooooo afraid 🙁

healthylady,
you know better than we do about your situation with your husband but if you are vulnerable, then you need to take control and tell him rather than have the spath do it.

Maybe you will end up alone but then at least you will know that your husband isn’t the forgiving type.

Lastly, if the spath sees that your husband left you, he will likely leave you alone. His intent was always to ruin your life and that would be a good start. I think he would be satisfied.

Did you read the gray rock article. It may help.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

Healthylady, the first step is to go “No Contact” with the spath. No emails. No text messages. Nothing. The next step is to talk to your husband, and this is going to involve risk. That’s too bad, but he will most certainly find out about the affair from the spath (or, a minion), in due time. And, as it has been clearly said, it would be far, far better for you to make the dislosure than for your husband to find out from another source.

What should you do, say, expect, etc? That’s asking a lot of anyone simply because nobody can predict what will happen (including you), and nobody wants the responsibility of telling you what you “should” do.

If it were me, I would sit down with the husband and tell him everything, and ask him to engage in marital counseling with me. If he wanted to end the marriage, I would have to sort that out when that bridge came into view. Either way, I’d get myself into some counseling to find out what made me so vulnerable to a spath.

OxD and Skylar are SPOT-on. The whole agenda of the spath was to get someone who may have had a fair relationship to abandon their beliefs and to destroy their lives, whether it was you or the Man in the Moon.

You’ve got a lot on your plate, Healthylady, and I am sorry that you were drawn in by a spath. Hopefully, you’ll do what you need to in order to recover from this mess.

Brightest blessings

I was married also when I met mine. They like to target married women. They seem to get several things out of it. If you are married, you have to be a secret so they can carry on with their full lives weather it be with a girlfriend or whatever. They also get their rush out of knowing they have the power to potentially destroy somebodies marriage/life and they get their extra sex on the side. Mine literally said he would like to target a married woman again. You were targeted. Mine also carried on with me after I got divorced so he may not necessarily leave you alone.

Healthylady

Best of luck. I really feel for you. Lovefraud blog was a great support for me.

skylar and everyone:

I went to the viewing of my coworker and did not see spath, thank God. I got there right at 4PM and was back in my car at 4:09. It was sad to see his 5 year old little girl. You could kind of tell that she was a little young to know what was fully going on. So I paid my respects to his parents, his teenage son and his wife and to him and I left. I hate to say this, but he looked really bad. I believe it is a testament to how much he must have suffered. 🙁

I also have to say that something his dad said made me sad. I told him that I used to work with his son, but I had left two years ago and he said they (meaning my former coworkers) did some really amazing things for his son last year. He said they are really good people…you left a good group. It made me sad because yes, there were some very good people there, but there were also a few spaths who drove me away. I guess it made me wonder if I should have stayed. I am mostly at peace with my decision after all this time (I have to be), but every once in awhile, I wonder if I did the right thing by leaving. I’ll never know for sure. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.

(((Louise)))
glad you made it to the viewing and everything went okay.

None of us made the escape from the spath without some losses. You lost your co-workers and friends. That is sad, as is the passing of that young man.

You made the best decision you could for yourself at that time. You did the best you could with the tools you have. In those years since then, you’ve learned a lot. You aren’t the same person. In the future, you won’t have to run whenever you see a spath, you can stand your ground if you choose.

At the time, if you hadn’t run, you might not have survived.

That was my experience too. I HAD to run, my body told me so. It was in running, that I realized that I had been poisoned because all the muscle pain went away. If I hadn’t run, I might not have survived either. We ran away to fight another day, better and stronger.

skylar:

Thanks. 🙁

Thank you for making me realize that escaping meant I had to lose something…give up some things and some great things they were. We have all had losses. Most way greater than mine although giving up my career was not insignificant, but it can’t compare to what most on here have lost.

Yes, at that time, I just had to get out of there. I have learned so, so much since then and you bet I will be able to stand my ground in the future. I will know how to handle these beings and know what I am up against.

If I had not left, I may not have survived, but someone else there may not have survived. I truly think if I stayed there, I was going to hurt somebody. It was awful. But it never showed; I kept it all inside. OW even told me she had no idea how bad off I was; said I hid it well. All the while I wanted to strangle her or push her down the steps. I could have really hurt her. When I think back, it scares me as I am not even that type of person.

You would not have survived if you would have stayed there. How could you? Your body would have only taken so much poison. How awful and sad!!!!!! 🙁

Louise, You did the right thing. I am sure all of this has triggered alot of memories, but look where you are now as compared to back when..
So relieved you didnt see _____________!

MoonDancer:

Thank you for the affirmation. I have to know I did the right thing. I did; I know I did. Sometimes I have doubts, but in my heart, I know it was right.

This has triggered memories. It’s amazing how we can be triggered. Yep, I have come a long, long way from where I was then.

OMG…it would have been so bad to see spath. I was running errands this morning and started thinking of scenarios of what I would do if he WAS there. I had to have a plan. Well, just thinking of that plan started giving me a visceral reaction. All the feelings started coming back even just THINKING about it. I knew he wouldn’t be there though…I knew I would be safe if I went really early because my guess is that he either didn’t go at all or he had to go have a few drinks first before he went.

Thanks for your support, MD!!!

I have those fears also Louise, what if he’s there..it has been 5 years now and I have not met him face to face one time, doubt I ever will. At one time I thot if I ever did I would lose it, but now I would just stand my ground and stare him down. That’s how sure I am of what he is and what he did to me. I will stand tall and hold my ground. And so will you..

Moondancer MD……lol i love it

MD:

You know what? I would stare mine down, too. Give him that same blank stare that he gave me. No emotion; just blank. He wouldn’t be able to tell if I was hurting, sad…nothing. No smiles either. He doesn’t deserve smiles! I know you will hold your ground, too!!!!

Louise, I’m glad that you were able to go to the viewing – it’s something that you probably “needed to do,” I think. And, what you learned from your coworker’s father was a bittersweet truth: there are losses, regardless. If we remain in a spath situation, we lose. If we exit a spath situation, we still lose. IMHO, the losses of exiting can be pretty devastating, but remaining would mean the loss of things of greater importance, like our souls.

You’re a completely different person than you were, Louise, and it’s a stronger, wiser, and more truthful person that you’ve evolved into. Only leaving and processing the experiences can produce those results. So, I agree that you made the best decision for yourself when you needed to make that decision. Sometimes, NONE of the options are agreeable, to be sure!

Brightest blessings of comfort

Truthspeak:

So true. Either way, we lose. We lose something. But we usually gain something, too. Our freedom for one.

I am a completely different person. What happened has changed me forever.

Thanks for validating that I made the best decision I could at the time with the information I had and what I was going through.

Louise, none of the options that I had available were “good” or pleasant with regard to the exspath. They all stank, but some reeked less than others.

Yeah, I’m changed forever, too, and not in a “bad” way, though I’m still rather uncomfortable with this cynicism that I have, now. I’m not jaded, just cynical. Well, that’s not necessarily true, either. I’m “jaded” with the Legal System and Family Courts – it’s about the most senseless and useless morass that I”ve waded through, bar none.

I believe that you know that you made the best decision that you could, Louise. You know it, academically, and you’re beginning to “feel” that it was the best choice for you.

Hugs and brightest blessings to you

Truthspeak:

I’m sorry that you had to make decisions that were not so good or pleasant. It’s between the devil and the deep blue sea.

It was the best choice for me. I know it was.

Thank you.

I can identify with Jane. This was my experience as well with my first boyfriend. In fact, as I wrote in my story, I never wanted that intensity of attachment and vulnerability ever again. That unreal vision of love that we can get from a psychopath that feels like it can kill you if you lose it is phenomenal and deadly.

We broke up when I was 16 but he stalked me every once in awhile for a few years and I went back. I was so addicted. Even after I married someone else and decide never to see him again, my mind could not get rid of the lovebombing and intensity of feelings he inflicted on me. I almost felt in a trance over him for decades, even when I knew I did not ever even want him anymore. My mind and emotions were at odds for years.

I wanted to forget him or even hate him but I could not do it until I finally read enough to know that it was never real for him from day one. Then I could finally let it go. It took decades. I loved others who were kinder, smarter, better looking, sexier, sweeter, etc. and yet I could not get rid of him until I finally saw what he is. Now he is nothing to me. I only regret it took so long.

Learning can and will let them be nothing to you anymore. The sooner, the better.

Hello to all….. I ve been married to this man for 17 years now but have been together for 25 years in total. When we met I thought I’d met the man of my dreams, he was so loving, made me laugh all the time but little did I know he had other women on the side, most of them woman I knew. My friends warned me time and time again to be careful but I didn’t listen, though deep in my heart I knew things weren’t right, he never kept time, when a friend saw him somewhere he’d say that friend was jusat jealous and a liar. Soon enough I found out about his affairs with other girls but he denied it completly, becoming violent and accusing me of making up these stories, I was so scared I’d lose him and tell him that I believed him and not them, making the person that told me look like a fool. This carried on for years, still blinded by the love he showed, I believed everything he told me. NOW I ve just found out that my husband as been having multipal affairs with prostitutes from an internet dating site and that he has had a secret cell phone for the past 8 years, how could I be so blind, where do I go from here, he has promised to change but will he ever, he is so good at lieing that he believes his own lies. He is so selfish with money and everything, its all about him and his happiness. When I found out about him and my friend, he turned around and said ‘am not sacreficing my happiness for you, we all have to make our own memories’ I need help. Would love to talk to someone about my situation am in Africa. Is there a number I can call??

Dear beatrixbee

Welcome to Love Fraud. It appears you have 2 choices.

1. Choice one is to stay with him and he will NOT CHANGE

2. Choice two is to leave him because HE WILL NOT CHANGE

After 25 years there is NO chance he will change, though he will SAY he will change, and as you indicated he has lied and lied and lied.

This is not about “he can’t change” this is about HHE WON’T CHANGE BECAUSE HE DOESN’T WANT TO…he does NOT care about you, though I bet he can cry a room full of tears saying so.

Read thhe articles here and blog with other survivors…and you can then make an INFORMED CHOICE. Good luck and God bless. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.

Ox Drover

Thank you so much for your advise, I feel so stupid that only after 25 odd years have I finaly realised am married to a FAKE, how and why has it taken me so long to realise this.

I always knew this wasn’t right but didn’t think other people were facing a similar problem, if only I had GOOGLED ‘Married to a serial cheater’ earlier in my life would I have known am not the only one. I always thought no other human in the world says I LOVE YOU one minute and does the complet opposite the next. How can someone be abbusive to his own kids when the argument is between HIM and I. How could someone be so selfish to his own kids but be an angel to other peoples kids, I could never understand that. How can a husband always find fault in his wife, if he said he wanted things done A B C and you did it A B C he’d say I told you I wanted it done X Y Z, most days I thought I was going insane.

Now I also understand why we have debt all over the place, he never pays his bills and and makes me lie for him so that he can look good and I can be the bad one, this has gone on for years and like I said I didn’t think in a million years there were other wives going though the same.

How do I ever recover from this, the messages I saw on his phone can never be erased from my mind. Oh when I found the messages the first thing he said was ‘why are you trying to frame me, those are not my messages I don’t know what you’re taking about’ is that normal. I pray every night for God to take me, then I think of the kids, how can I leave them with this horrible man they call DAD.

Run Beatix, RUN!
I had 25 years with a spath and finally ran. NOTHING is as bad as continuing in that situation, because it is doomed to get worse.

Running is hard at first, but it gets better with time. Staying does not get better. Run.

Skylar, am trying but its had. He has treatened to destroy everything if I leave or if he leaves, his treatening to leave me bankrupt so that the kids have to move and that way the kids will hate me for the rest of my life, they will blame me for putting them in that situation, its HELL. Am slowly putting things in place ready for the day I leave. Tonight is Donna’s story on Discovery, can’t wait to watch. HOW did you leave!

Beatrix,
I literally packed 5 cats, 3 computers and a coffee maker into my little hatchback car and went to my parents’ house at midnight.

He was out of town quite often but he had called me and told me he was going to “punish me”. I knew, by this time, that he was dangerous and I had to run.

I had tried to stay, to observe him and figure him out. But that night, I knew that I couldn’t do it.

As it turned out, it was the best thing because 2 days later, I came back to the house while he was out. All the food was gone from the fridge. A few days later, all the muscle pain that I’d suffered for 20 years was gone. 1+1 = 2. I realized he had been poisoning my food for 20 years. That was the clue that he was going to poison me to death and make it look like a suicide. (also, the fact that he said, “you don’t know how close you are to the end.”)

I know it’s hard. What you don’t know is just the extent of how evil they are and what they will do.

Beatrixbee, the hardest thing for me to have accepted was the fact that nothing that I did, could do, or WOULD do was going to alter the truth that the exspath was, in fact, a sociopath. For all of the acting, the words, and the feigned interest, he never cared about me, wouldn’t care about me, and had never “loved” me, by any stretch of the imagination. I had been on this site for a couple of years prior to my discovery of what the exspath was, and had it NOT been for the information that I had learned, here, and the strong support and encouragement, I will hazard a guess that I would have been murdered, by proxy, or deliberately.

The FEAR-driven decisions are the “what ifs?” There is no method of predicting what the future holds, or how anything is going to pan out. One thing is a constant certainty: remaining with a sociopath will end in premature death in one way or another. And, that demise will not be quick or painless – it is a life frought with stress, anxiety, emotional torture, financial ruin, humliation, and degradation. It’s not an “easy” passing, to be sure.

Today – at this very moment – I am living in extreme conditions that are a daily challenge. But, I’m not living in fear, anymore. I don’t have to tip-toe around someone else’s moods or meet their demands. I don’t have to grovel for acceptance or approval. Sure, there are the financial issues pressing, but I’m already financially ruined! LMAO!!!! So, stuff will work itself out as I get further along in my recovery.

Find a strong, counseling therapist that will help you through this, and a BULLDOG attorney to represent you. The divorce action, itself, isn’t going to be easy, simple, or painless, and it’s going to be a monumental effort to put FACTS before FEELINGS where divorce is concerned. This is where a strong counseling therapist that “gets it” will be priceless. And, if you have a counselor, you won’t be contacting your attorney about feelings or recovery. Attorneys only practice Law. They do not (and, ARE not) counseling therapists!

Brightest blessings to you

Skylar, I have an off-topic question. After reading your experiences, I have often wondered if the exspath had been poisoning me, somehow. Were you ever tested for poisoning? I’ve seen a physician and sort of suggested that I be tested for heavy metal poisoning, but I honestly believe that I was as sick as I had ever been while I was still living with the exspath. I still have physical issues, but I was SO sick while we were still living together, and I wonder about this and if there is any way to determine (at THIS late date) if he had actually been poisoning me.

Yeah…..I know that it sounds paranoid as hell. But, it gives one pause for thought when physical syckness rather disappears. Given where the exspath works, his interest in murder mysteries, and what a farking predator he is, it wouldn’t surprise me, at all, if he had been doing this.

Brightest blessings

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