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ASK DR. LEEDOM: How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist??

Con artists are a special category of sociopaths. In fact, most if not all are also psychopaths. If you were tricked by a con artist, I would say you are in good company, since all three of the authors on this blog were also fooled by con artists! This week one of our readers posted her story as a comment to ASK DR. LEEDOM: FAQ #1 “Why is this so hard for us mentally?” Her post illustrates many of the important characteristics of a con:

In 1998 I was ripped off by a con artist, whom I met through a personal ad. I was going through a very serious depression at the time, and that’s when I met him. He seemed like a breath of fresh air, very intelligent, different than other men I had met. He seemed very supportive of me, and what I was going through with my depression.

He asked me “what are your goals”. I realize now, that this is how he tricked me – into believing that he was going to help me achieve a few things—I said I wanted to move into a home – he helped me find a home – but guess who was paying the high rent of the home??? ME. Once I moved in with him, he had COMPLETE control of me, and was using my credit. He convinced me to order a variety of credit cards, and buy all types of things for this home that we were living in, stating that he had money invested in the stock market that would take care of it all.

When I look back on it now, I realize how stupid I was, but at the time, I was going through a very serious depression, was not thinking clearly, and allowed this jerk to manipulate me. He would go into these screaming rages, and this is one of the ways he controlled and intimidated me into doing what he wanted.

We were only together for six months, because when the money ran out, he was gone. While I was out of town, he took off, and moved a lot of the possessions (which I paid for) out of the house.

I had to declare bankruptcy, my good credit was ruined, and I lost an apartment that I had paid for – as he convinced me to take out a mortgage on my apartment & he would invest the money for me, and I would get an excellent return on the money.

I was too devastated to pursue the guy in a civil law suit, and am trying to move on with my life – this happened almost 9 years ago, but still remains fresh in my memory as though it were only yesterday.

How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist??

The first thing to notice is that con artists target vulnerable people they meet in settings like ads or the internet. In my case, I was a single mother who was still healing from the loss of a relationship, and I met him through the internet. Depression, anxiety and losses make people vulnerable.

The second thing to notice is that con artists sense what lovers are looking for and pretend to be that person. In particular, they pretend to be emotionally intelligent and caring. They are also charming and fun to be with. The fun part serves to relieve sadness in a person suffering from depression or getting over a loss.

The third and most important thing to notice is that con artists play upon our dreams. I had an experience identical to this woman’s. One day shortly after our marriage my husband asked me, “If you could do anything in the world you wanted to do, what would you do?” I told him I would start a substance abuse clinic where people could receive needed treatment irrespective of their ability to pay. My husband then said, “I’ve accomplished my own goals, now I am going to make your dream come true for you”¦”

Con artists know when they get your dreams they get you. They then simply do the Bait and Switch Game. You see, they bait you with your dream then switch to something else. They do the switch slowly and subtly over time. Psychologically, the victim doesn’t want to see the switch because then he/she would have to give up on the dream.

By far the most painful, difficult aspect of healing for me has been the fact that my dream (which was basically altruistic) was used to hurt me. Many victims just want a stable, happy family for their children. When these motives, which come from goodness, are used for evil, the effect is particularly damaging. I think that con artists do this damage intentionally, trying to actually murder by suicide. They are on such a power trip, they get enormous pleasure from destroying people. That is a subject for a later post.

So how do you get over having been conned? First don’t give up on your dreams. In my case, the dream changed. I realized that if I worked at it, I could prevent many more cases of mental illness or addiction than I could ever personally treat. Thus my dream transformed into something else.

Second, don’t give up yourself. Your dreams reflect important values and qualities you have. Even though it is very painful to have these used against you, it is even more painful to lose yourself. Don’t let the con artist take any more from you than he/she already has.

Lastly, have the courage to keep working on your vulnerabilities. If depression made you vulnerable, stay in treatment. If loss and loneliness made you vulnerable, work to find more healthy outlets. Take good care of yourself, don’t abuse substances, be sure to exercise and eat right. Write down new goals for yourself and make a little progress in those goals every day. Lastly, give yourself positive messages about making progress and being the good person you are. If you are doing all these things be patient, better times are just ahead.


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159 Comments on "ASK DR. LEEDOM: How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist??"

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From the depths of my heart I hated you
But couldn’t bring myself to leave
Should I blame it on stupidity or just being naive?

Repeatedly you abused and degraded me,
Taking what was never yours
Metaphorically you were a pimp
I lowered myself to one of your whores

You robbed me of my soul
Made me lose sight of my words
Had me thinking I deserved no better
Than misery and hurt.

Blatant disrespect was constant
I became numb to the pain
Begged and begged you to be different
It was always in vain.

Hated the very sight of you
Why I kept looking is unknown
Feared being in your presence
More afraid to be alone

Darkness lingered from your past
You brought no brighter day
Prayed you’d die in your sleep
Or I’d get the courage to walk away.

Finally found the nerve
To escape you and your hellish crimes
But you were bound and determined
You’d hurt me one more time.

How you bruised my spirit and tortured me
It sickens me to recall
But as god and Karma prevail
I’ll rise and whatever you touch shall fall.

Sara Monette

Narcissist for a Day
By James A. Phillips

I woke one day, in a terrible way
Short with my children and not caring for their needs in anyway
Not talking with my wife, oh what a pig she is
She is always that way
Not seeing how special I am in everyway

Getting ready for work, thinking how they don’t see me, oh the wonderful me!
Why, should I care about them in any oh way!

Going to work, I saw people who are fools
Just like tools that I can use and use
Not seeing how special and great I am and will always be
These objects are just for my fun and wants for what ever I need.

At work, I talked with Andy, oh what a fool he can be
taken my position that was promise to me
Why can’t Andy see, that it was meant for me
I’m so special, not like Andy can ever be

I came home oh, what a horrible day for me
Why can’t they see the wonderful me
I cuss at my children, so selfish they can be
My wife I told her I don’t need you and don’t
want you with me You are just a pig, not
special like me

The room got dark and numbest surrounded me
No feeling of love or caring for me
No one would talk or look at me
Oh, dear God what is happening to me

Awoke in a sweat wanting someone to hold me
Oh, what a horrible dream that happen to me
A Nightmare no, no not a dream
A Nightmare it had to be

How horrible it must be
To be a narcissist being in everyway and everyday
Oh no that’s not for me in any oh way
No, I love my children who are so
Special to me in their own special way
My wife so sweet and so kind to my children and me
Loving and special to us in all and each one in their own way
Oh no dear Lord, that’s not for me in any oh way
A narcissist I can never be not even for a day

Getting over a con is not easy. It is hard, but it is doable.
I shifted my dreams since my life with the Don Juan of Con turned out to be a farce. It is hard, when your life seemed to be perfect, and it comes crashing down around you.

As a victim, I am responsible for my security, my sense of self. No one else. I have found out that getting the con man prosecuted for the crimes he did, is harder than chewing on a hard chunk of candy.
It took 4 years, the first year I tried to contact the victim. I did not get her. HIS sister tried, no success. We called the police department, and faxed them all kinds of paperwork. No response. By then I was dealing with the nightmare of debts, homelessness, finding another job, and other crisises that hit me. I was too busy focusing on surviving.
I ,also found that there were not any resources for victims on the internet, at the time that I was searching for help.
Then in 2005 a surprise came, they caught him, arrested him, and several victims’ world came crashing down on them.
Con men target not just women, but businessmen, men, associates ,for they have no qualms about taking money, and destroying lives.
I started my blog, because, there is life after a bad choice. I choose not to be a victim, and started the petition for the National Database of Marriages and Divorces. You see con persons; both men and women, use false identities, and if we had a database of Marriages and Divorces, that would tie into the Social Security Database, the false social security numbers would be red flagged, the multiple marriages would be flagged, and other victims will be saved. Your dreams ,you had with your con are not the same dreams. Dream and set your goals that will give you the greatest of satisfaction. I have made a positive out of a negative: Stop crime. Getting over being conned can be done, and yes, you will have scars but at least it is a hard lesson learned. Surround yourself with family, and friends that are true friends. Know in your heart of hearts you can spot a con from now on. Good Luck. Life is for the living, and think of this: Con artists never really live. They have no emotions and therefore are the ‘walking dead’.

This is a very interesting article because my last husband, whom I was with for 9 yrs destroyed many lives. I often wondered if there was a “murder by suicide”. Interestingly enough, my ex’s father and son both committed suicide and there was a time when I wanted to because of him. Other friends of his have died, received DWI’s or met some other ill fate after being with him on a night of hard partying. I’ve actually watched in horror as he egged vulnerable people on to do drugs and poor down shots of hard liquor at his urging. He has done it to me. I can’t believe that some people cannot see through him and it’s frustrating as he still continues to have a relationship with my 20 year old son (his stepson). It scares me to think what he will do when he turns 21 and can legally go to bars (which happens to be my ex’s favorite past-time). He has even gone so far as to befriend my other ex (the kid’s dad)!! The whole experience has left me mentally and financially drained. I came down with PTSD and acute paranoia in which I’ve been in treatment for. I’d love to move but my youngest is only 14 and I want to be there for him and make sure that he is not ruined by these awful men in his life.

What about the Internet? How do all these membership sights that make a huge profit stop sociopaths and narcissists. It’s a virtual playground for these rancid souls that allows them to continue destroying the lives, hopes and dreams of all the victims they prey on.

I met my socio/narcis on the Internet and he has duped, to my knowledge, 10 other women, who are all successful, over 40 and looking for a life partner. He makes himself out to be this well read, compassionate, single father with a beautiful house he is renovating all in the hopes of making a lovely little home with the woman of his dreams. That’s his hook. And you think you’ve finallly found the man who will make your long awaited dreams come true. He works from a well rehearsed script and he gets woman after woman to fall for it with cute emails, invitations to his house, immediate phone calls, this amazing and quick “connection,” and sparkling conversation. Little do these unsuspecting women know they are being conned by a master who has no education, lies about all his travel and tastes and who will slowly and insidiously turn into a monster. And he does this all in a few clicks on some Internet sight. It’s sickening how easy it is for him.

My point is, this is abuse and should be reported to companies like match.com, but any woman who does that risks looking like a bitter ex hellbent on revenge. Rather, women should help eachother avoid all this horror. I would have given anything to know the truth about him before I got involved and snared. It just isn’t right, but the stealthy sociopath always slinks under the radar, don’t they.

I just don’t get it. Billions of dollars are made in this online dating industry that I now realize is just a shooting gallery. If anyone is reading this in Los Angeles beware the tall man bearing compliments, gifts and Italian sportscars……he is out to ruin your life.

I am a member of a private group for healing after being taken in by a narcissist/sociopath. This very week we were discussing how “murder by suicide” is one of their goals.

I did attempt suicide and the reaction to this was very bizarre from the con sociopath I was involved with. He proceeded three days afterwards to feign caring by saying he was going to help me with my pain. What did he do? He sent me fifty valliums and ten percocets in the mail!! Now what kind of person thinks it’s a good idea to send a depressed, suicidal woman that amount of those particular kinds of pills.

I don’t take drugs and he knew that and I also, was not on any medication at the time. Why??? I was so fogged and down at the time and so overwhelmed psychologically that it did not hit me till later that my abuser was actually trying to keep me from telling by doing that.

He was up for a job working with mentally ill people and just shortly before that I had tried to warn them about what he really was. I.E. he conned me totally. He told me he had a son dying of cancer and got into a very, very serious relationship with me. Took money for “medical bills” while getting me into VERY serious debt. I lost every thing I had worked hard for all my life.

When I did not actually die he became more abusive!! Saying to me “OH JUST SUCK IT UP AND TAKE IT LIKE A WOMAN!!” and in a very smarmy hateful tone “OH aren’t YOU the sicky and depressed one?” that was it. No “I”m so sorry you got that down, don’t ever do that again!” Nothing…..the abusive remarks, hatefulness escalated after I tried to kill myself.

You tell me what you call that??

At any rate, in our group we talked about how this scene is not uncommon. I wasn’t the only one who said “I Know he meant for me to die, and was trying to push me to that on purpose.’

So my question is….when does this become a crime!!!!!!!

It’s not “just” the being conned about their entire background, the scam etc. It’s the love bombing, the psychological games that pull you in and the abusive ones that follow. The rages when you are down and out…..and it never, ever stops. I was at the point where I was afraid to speak to him at all as I was so close to the edge and just couldn’t take one more vicious remark. The above comments he made to me were MILD, VERY MILD compared to the other things he deliberately said to me. EX: ” I will put your sons picture on gay mens sex web sites you bitch!!!!” Very common for him to make these types of remarks and I was afraid of him beyond words at the end.

These N’s and P’s are out there and at first they come off as the best thing that ever happened to you. All I can say is read this site and learn ALL the red flags. I do NOT have a back ground of abusive relationships but, when I met this guy I was still grieving the loss of someone close to me in my family. WATCH OUT!! Nobody you have never met is going to be THAT perfect and overly believable, overly plausible in the face of minor incongruity. NOBODY is going to offer you up all that dream spinning unless something is not right. Pay attention closely! I am NOT a dumb woman….yet I totally lost myself and getting away from this man was like getting out of a cult.

I wish this issue was far, far more high profile than it is. My Xabuser N is still out there.

P.S. I hope that database becomes international. I don’t live in the states anymore and neither does the X sociopath who targeted me!!

You know, I really had no idea what a sociopath was until I was literally in a torando spiraling down at 100 miles per hour. It’s been over a year now since it happened and I’m still just as wounded, just as heart-broken as then. I still cry almost every day.

I found this website and I am amazed at the strong similarities that my ex-husband and the sociopaths have. If there was ever any question in my mind, it has definitely been confirmed here, by reading these stories.

I met him in Jan. 2004 and it was a whirlwind romance. He was the perfect charmer and he seemed like the perfect man. For my Valentine’s Day gift (three weeks later) he gave me a trip to Mexico (which was traded in for a honeymoon trip to Maui for August). Little did I know that everyone who dated him got a trip to some destination!

He had all of the traits that I have read about sociopaths. I just wish I had known about them at the time. Like many, I could kick myself now for being so stupid. I didn’t realize it but the red flags were popping up like a runway to the exit door. When it was over, I was devastated and very close to suicide. I won’t deny that I thought about it very seriously on more than one occasion.

One thing that really got my attention was the comment that one of their goals is “murder by suicide”. You see, I was the second wife for my (ex)husband. His first wife did commit suicide on Halloween 1997. He told me what he had done to her the day it happened. He stormed into her office in the morning and told her to get her (bleep) out of his house. She left at lunch and killed herself. He had his story, his alibi and he clearly laid all of the blame on her. The longer I knew him, the less I believed his story and guess what his favorite holiday is…Halloween. He has Halloween parties every year!

After all the “crap” I had dealt with him (lies, ex-girlfriends, flirting -even with other men, sneaking onto the Internet at night after I fell asleep). To the public he was the most charming, polite man you would ever meet but I clearly saw the reasons she committed suicide.

I have always believed that he was trying to get me to kill myself. He was pushing me. It was ALL about him. No one else. Luckily I had friends who stood by me. Thank you for shedding some light on an area where I thought no one else understood. I have no idea what “justice” there is for sociopaths because this guy still has blood on his hands. He’s out there still. Living in my home, dating someone new and having fun.

Do they ever have to “do time” for these crimes? This guy is a murderer! What does it take and how do we enforce the fine?

My goodness, this is a rather timely topic for me.

You see, I will soon be homeless. I would rather be dead than have to live on the street. I don’t know yet if I will make it. But one thing that stops me from committing suicide so far, is that is what he wants. He didn’t manage to quite kill me, so leaving me destitute and in the most hurtful way ever was his next best ploy.

He didn’t even have to figure out how to hurt me. Over the years, I confessed my deepest fears to my “best friend”. Over the years, he became almost my only friend. When he left, his lies took all but one of the people I had thought were friends. These were MY friends, he never made any on his own, although in public he is charismatic and charming. No one believes what he is. I didn’t, until the day he left. I’m still learning what a con man he was.

When I met him, my father was dying a slow lingering death, I was just out of a bad relationship, but I was pulling myself together. Health problems were getting me down, but I was trying to find the answers to those too.

He was perfect. Gentle, sweet, caring, helping me with my health research, taking care of me when no one had ever done before. As my health got worse, he kindly took over managing all the money, even though I knew he was bad at it, and eventually had control over all my medications. He picked them up at the pharmacy, handed them out to me and I, trusting fool, swallowed whatever he handed me. After all, he loved me, took me to all my doctors appointments, although he no longer took the least interest in helping my find solutions to my health problems. In fact, he was no longer taking care of anything, but I was too sick to do anything about it. Some of those little pills weren’t exactly what the doctor ordered. I KNEW the difference between being chemically depressed and regular emotional depression, and I couldn’t figure out why the medication had stopped working so drastically. I was coming closer and closer to suicide, and I didn’t know why. I was loved, right? That’s all I ever wanted. But things kept getting worse, and finally I told him I thought I needed to take care of my own medications. He was gone within 4 days. Soon after he left, I started getting better. My doctor told me he had thought I would be dead within 6 months. I’m sure I would have. He would have loved that, being able to tragically mourn the love of his life. He always made a big deal about taking care of me, what a great guy he was to support (HA!) a sick wife.

His new, on-line girlfriend has cancer. He told me the affair didin’t matter, because she would be dead within a year. Creepy. Thinking back on it, every single woman I know that he dated had health problems. Back when I met him, internet dating hadn’t started. Now, he has a whole new killing field. And no one to stop him.

My best revenge may just be staying alive.

MT Victim?! I think I know who you are talking about. I met him another way, but he’s on match.com right now! This guy is good. Maybe we should talk. Does it start with cute emails signed xoxo love me? Does the first date take place at his house (so you can see it and go “wow” this guy is rich and has taste?) Is the first date dinner at Guidos. Drives in a ferrari? trips to Monteray? Cries about his kid and how he was taken away (he doesn’t pay child support!) plans to sell his house and you and he go retire at a beach house. talks of love and marriage and how he never met anyone like you…in a few dates? Meet his family immediatley and his friends (who are just props since he has no friends) sex at his parent’s house…gross. i could on and on but that is the script he works from that you are talking about. Oh yeah, and lambourghini shopping on ebay! LOL. I am afriad to put my email address here becuase of him. MT were his initials too. How can I contact you. I am in LA too. I know it’s the same guy. I can’t stand this. He’s already duping a new woman two weeks after the other one left, just like the one before that and before that. These guys get away with it over and over. I feel sorry for the new victim because she thinks she’s found this great, sweet guy full of gifts…oh yeah, does he buy you gifts all the time but they come with a big price…stop me. I feel so happy to know I am not alone. I talked to some of his ex’s (who he keeps in the bg as supply) and they hate him but were emotionally destroyed. I know I was. Nothing feels real. How can someone be so cruel. He is in it for sport. Let’s see how quickly I can make a new woman fall for me. Get her hopes up, make all these promises for our future together and then when she is all excited, all in love, feels safe…I will turn into that monster and poke holes into her, isolate her, control her and then discard her…well, she’lll run away, but I’ll make sure i treat her badly enough so she will. No one knows about how I feel because it all happens while you are with them, no one on the outside understands. I hope we can talk…somehow. Funny, how we both wound up here on love fraud trying to make sense of the horror of MT.

This site has been so helpful to me. I was on the floor praying and crying one night, asking God ” what kind of person is this, what is this man, the DEVIL? That’s when the word pathilogical liar was put into my mind by God. I went to the computer and plugged it in, thats when your site came up. It sent chills down my spine to realize that I was dealing with a sociopath, and what that means. Im sure you have saved my life and my sanity. Thank You for allowing God to use you. I dont know why I had to go through this pain ,but maybe you did so that you could help others like me.
Thank You
docskid5

I have been obsessed with this site from the moment I found it. I have read many blogs and one question still keeps coming to mind: What about the children of sociopaths?

How do we get over having a parent who is a socio/psychopath? I still don’t have an answer.

In my case, my mother has taken my childhood-something I will never get back but how do I stop her from taking away my adulthood as well? My relationship with her was never a choice. I didn’t fall in love with her. I was dealt the hand I was dealt. It is just unfortunate for me that she started playing with less than a full deck and her hand holds all the aces.

I have not had contact with her in years and yet every time I see a mother and child I am so green with envy that I don’t know what to do. Sometimes in the middle of the night I wake myself up with my own screams. I can’t count how many times I have woken up with my pillow wet and tears streaming down my face. I cry because who am I? My childhood was filled with so many lies that I don’t even know who I am. What did I do to deserve this? All I know is that on the outside I put forth an image of strength, of unshakeableness but inside there is so much pain and so much turmoil that I don’t know if I am coming or going and still the nightmares continue.

I never asked to be born. Futhermore I never asked to be born to a mother who was sick. What I do ask for is salvation. To this date salvation eludes me. I try to not think about it and at times it works but then I close my eyes and it all returns. I can’t run and hide and time seems more an enemy than a help for me.

I have been told that maybe I need to talk to someone. A therapist. Maybe I need drugs. My answer is NO! No drugs…I am not the one who is sick…she is. I can do this without medication. I can do this without someone sitting in judgement of me labeling me as “manic” or “depressed.” All that I really need is some guidance and someone to tell me I am not crazy. I don’t hurt anyone not even myself-not physically anyway. I don’t lie, cheat and steal. I am a good person born to a very sick person. Why should I become dependant on anything? On anyone? I depend on me and with a little bit of help I can figure this out on my own.

It would be nice if there could be a blog posted specifically for children of these people. Teach us how to get over these feelings. Teach us what we need to know to have some sort of a “normal” life. Please teach us how to move on and find happiness. Lord knows I am only so strong but I am strong enough to admit that I can use some help too.

ThereIsHope:

Thank you very much for all of your thoughtful comments. Although your experience of a sociopath was different from those of us who married them, I think the recovery method may be the same–allow yourself to feel your pain. You have to go through the pain to be free of it.

Cry your eyes out. Yell. Pound pillows. This is not pretty, and I suggest you do it either alone or with an understanding therapist.

For more information, read “Facing the Fire.” There is a link to it on the Recommended Links page of Lovefraud.com.

Thank you Ms. Anderson, I appreciate the direction.

Ok so here is my story, I have be reading a lot of these blogs and stories and doing some research on sociopaths and I think my ex is one. The problem is we have a child together. It started way back when I was in college and I lived with his sister he was in a long term relationship and came into the bar that I worked one night. He asked for my phone number and that was it. It was like a whirlwind. I didn’t really find him attractive but he was charming and persistent. He was my first love, my first partner my first everything. I was flattered. Not soon after being with him for 3 months I learned that I was pregnant. I didn’t know what to do. I thought I have to abort this baby, I have to finish school, I just turned 21 I don’t know how to take care of a kid? He convinced me to keep it because he had friends who went through the same thing and aborting the child destroyed the relationship. So then we decided we would be together so we may as well get married. So two months later we were married. We then looked for a place to live, in the meantime I was still bartending in which he made me quit, over time I had isolated myself from friends, family. I felt ugly and fat. On top of that I didn’t have any credit until I met this man and all of a sudden we started opening up credit cards left and right. We soon had a baby who was the most adorable kid I could ever meet but I soon found that I was the one who was going to take care of him. During the course of my pregnancy and after the child was born, my husband at the time loved to drink. He would go out every night and drink and then drive. We were low on money I was trying to finish school and finally after about two years I had had enough. I found that he was seeing someone else. I packed some of my stuff and drove down to be with my dad. Took my son in the middle of the night and left. This would be my first attempt to leave. During this time, harsh words were said. I got help, and tried to get my life back on track. He moved to another state where after about 6 months he emailed me and asked that I move down with him and try to work things out. I thought maybe things will be different maybe he really has changed. so I left, the good job I acquired , all of my family and the safe haven I was accustomed to. It wasn’t until about 6 months that I realized the same thing was happening and I left a second time. But I stayed in the state I had moved too. I filed for divorce hoping the abuse would end. He at the time was seeing someone else but after this ended we started sleeping with each other off and on for about 2 years. It’s been about 6 months since I last was with him and during this time I have gotten my self together but of course my son is having problems in school and his father is giving me a hard time. Up to this point, he was living the high life, only to lose his 400k house, brand new jeep, and of course received two DUI’s in a 4 year period. He has a new girl in his life who is young. I am sure she is very nice but I have yet to meet here. I asked and was told that I am not allowed. I have recently hired a lawyer to revisit our custody agreement and visitation. I am scared and terrified of the process again because he makes all of these threats and of course his family has lots of money. I am sure his parents have no idea what’s going on. He just asks for payment and they give it to him. So he will be financially secure through the process. I am in the process of learning to let go but can’t help but be jealous of the new girl. Most importantly though I am seriously concerned for my son.

Murder by Suicide!!

This is exactly what these people want. I met him during my teens and we were friends. About a year ago and having my dream ruined he showed up. My dream of having a family almost ruined me. I had a been a year alone with my son and yep was vulnerable I trusted him and let him in I figured if he was such a great friend well he would be a great love! HA!!

I was in the process of getting my own home and my kid and I were excited about it I was also happy cause well I would have my dream…a family ( raised in a very dysfunctional home). During the course he got hostile with my 3 year old and since I had no place to live ( I had rented out my apartment to qualify for the home) I was staying at his dads place with him. I let my kid stay with his father until I bought the house I was not going to allow this person to scream and belittle my kid and his dad and I had great communication, big mistake!!

I went to 3 different buying options fist house its roof leaked, second, he did no like it cause his kids would not have their own room (note he had a abondonemet divorce thingy, found out later) the third house well he loved it and so did I it was pricey though but he promised to give me half of the closing costs and pay half the mortgage NOT!! He NEVER did this once.

I moved and brought back my kid and he again became hostile and came to a point to treat him wrong so again I sent him back and got him some therapy…yes I am aware I sound stupid, but keep in mind he was my long life friend and something had to be wrong with him.

After a few months he had calls of this ex girlfriend and I questiones him about it nad that resulted in me getting my head banged against the wall, choked, punched twice and screamed franatically at me ” Dont you dare accuse me with out evidence!!!” That was a big wake up call that this was not good. The day after while I was taking a bath he got in the shower and carresed my chest with a pointy knife…then he sat in bed for hours with the knife staring at me.

I freaked out but I had no place to go and knew he would just not leave. A month later the bill came in and there it was 72 calls made to this woman. I took the bill questioned him and with evidence he told me lets go to the police station and claim some ” stalking thing against her” it did not make sense cause as I told him he was the one making the calls yet I went after he had gone first I showed up a few minutes ago.

At the police sation he did not even looked at me but I just sat there waiting. I called up some friends of mine and the showed up. When the judge came we went inside and the judge looked and looked at me I felt uneasy but did not suspect a thing. Right there him by my side she ( the judge) tells me if I knew why we were here and I said yes…then I asked why?? Well she told me: “This gentleman is filing a 408 against you ( I live in a US territory) Do you know what that is?? I certainly didnt and she told me…well its a resource used to lock up people mentally ill and is not let out for about 3 days or so untill a psychiatrist comes up to evaluate you and claim you are sound. I was shocked I was set up and If I reacted like it would of have been normal I would have proved his case and would have been locked up….it was Dec. 30 in other words I was goin to miss New Years eve with my son!!

He had used this minor depression and used it against me!! I could not beleive it. I had to use witnesses and all sorts of testimonies and then was set free. He came crying and told me and my friends that he was doing it for my own good and some other BS like that.

I forgave him cause I had done so much suffering to him, yeah right besides I was pregnant. Through my pregnancy I made friends with a co worker and confided in her. I am not much of a trusting person but I saw her in my own situation with her husband I felt related in that sense. BIG MISTAKE!!

She then turned into his confident and told him EVERYTHING!! They would pretend not to know each other and all that time they had fun playin behind my back…sweet huh?!

I moved and left the house wih my new born and left to an apartment I had rented to a relative when I finally got there and moved investing about $600 the relative broke our agreement and kicked me out and sent back everything to my old house, what happened? I can only guess! Yes he had to do with it!

Again I was back to zero. He used my protection of my son against me and slandered that I had abandoned my son and so on, he started twisting the truth and its shoking to see just how people buy all of his BS even when presented with the evidence. You might say why not just go to the police…well I had 2 things against me:

#1 Jurisdiction…he was an or still is a police agent and here right now there have been many cases of make up cases…hmmm not surprised. He is friends with all of these people.
#2 Credibility….its his word against mine and his is much more important I guess.

Then something awfull happened my relative and him were on it together..yep! I had 2 choices or break down or fight! I chose fight, even if it kills me. I set them both up and there was the truth I called in the police after another violent attack and from another phone called the police a new cop was attending my case and My kids were there and children were involved they had no choice but to take it seriously and he was asked to leave! Needless to say he has taken a war against me called child protective services, taken me to court AGAIN trying to claim insanity, smears and slanders me, uses comon friends just to ….whatever.

The truth is that the only way to beat these people is to think like them or commit murder by suicide.

I am having such a very difficult time. My ex of 5 years (abuser) terrorized me each time I tried to get away from him last year. Unfortunately, we live in the same complex and the verbal, mental and emotional abuse continues. He cheated on me for 5 months and then moved her in. Every time I see them two together, I get sick to my stomach. I isolate in my depressing apartment usually under the covers and I do not want to come out. I missed most of the summer. I hate him for all he did to me and I don’t like her either. She is just as nasty as he is and she is also a liar. Most times, I am severely depressed and started drinking again, which makes the depression worse. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in heaven. Help. Thank you.

Dear Alicia,

Welcome to LoveFraud, I know you are in pain, but I am glad you have come to this healing place.

Keep on reading, go back through the archived articles and READ AND READ AND READ and READ SOME MORE….this will hellp educate you about them, but more importantly, educate you about yourself, and help you HEAL the wound that he/she/they have given you.

You are NOT alone, not even under the covers, there are others here who DO understand because we have been there under the covers, isolated too, wounded too, and KNOWLEDGE IS POWER, take back your power to live, live a GOOD life. He cannot take your happiness unless you allow him to continue to.

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU REALIZE!!! Put down the bottle, it will only make it worse (as you already stated) and come here to LoveFraud, where you will be validated, and where you will have empathy and support! LoveFraud saved my sanity and there is LIFE AT THE END OF THIS TUNNEL, a GOOD LIFE!!! Believe that and hang on to taht! I promise you if you do, it will get better! ((((hugs)))) and God bless you!

Alicia, please please please don’t just go to sleep…It will get better, I promise. Try to take it one day at a time, focus each day on coming here and reading. Reach out and talk to the wise people here. It’s GOOD you asked for help. Have you seen a professional about your depression? There are many medications that can help. I would advise you to leave the alcohol alone, but you sound as if you already know that’s what you need to do. Working the twelve steps is an enormous relief for me, but may not be appropriate for you. Tha’s something you need to decide for yourself but you might look into it. Those steps can be applied to any area of your life that seems out of control, notjust alcohol.

I’m so sorry you are hurting so bad, but I’m very glad you let us know so that we can be here to support you.

Also, remember that He is probably enjoying the hurt and chaos he is causing you, it makes him feel powerful and in control. Do your best to spite him by getting over him. You owe that to yourself! Remeber, ” the best revenge is living well.” Can’t remember who said it, but I’ll find out. God bless you, and you are in my prayers.

Alicia, I’m new to LF, I’m hurting and in a lot of pain, I now realize that I was con by a sociopath that played the love game to a T. This site is really helping me get through this I read all day everyday an it do help so, read, stay strong and the peps here are very very supportive they been there.

Alicia,
My con-game ended last may AFTER 25 YEARS!!
I want you to stop, look at your life and say: “Thank God it didn’t take me 25 YEARS to get rid of him!! That’s a prison sentence!”

LoveFraud has been my day to day life line. It’s what keeps me from laying down and dying.
But READING lots and lots of books is what gives me long term hope.
Go to your library and look up “narcissism”. Hopefully all the books won’t be checked out, because it seems tons and tons of people are going through the exact same thing as we are. If you can find “Why is it always about you?” or “The sociopath next door” you will be on your way to a WHOLE NEW LIFE. But there are lots of other books on this. READ, READ, READ. This is important information.

Congratulations, you’ve graduated from ignorance to knowledge, soon you will be armed with information that will keep you from feeling this way ever again.

Alicia – I remember that feeling of going to sleep and not wanting to wake up – I remember it well. My life was like that for TEN years while with him. An earlier poster wrote they are aiming for us to commit suicide and I think there may be some truth to that.

Alicia I want you to make a list – a list of all the low down shi**y things he did to you while with him and while apart – write fast and don’t stop to think till you have filled at least a page or two. Try to connect with your anger while you’re doing it and let it fill your body.

At the moment in wanting to sleep forever you are turning your anger against yourself when it is HIM who rightly deserves your anger – not you. You did nothing wrong. I made a list and cried through making most of it then about two thirds of the way through I got so damned angry at him and thought :How Dare He? How dare he treat me in that manner? Who the hell does he think he is?!

You will probably sleep a bit more in the first stages of coming to grips with all this – it’s the body’s way of healing from the damage. Just try to be as gentle with yourself as you would be if your friend was going through this – have baths, eat healthy foods you like, read uplifting books and listen to beautiful music. The future is bright and beautiful for you but you can’t see it at the moment.

Is there any way you can move out of the complex to get some distance between you? Even if you need family help to do this, it will assist in your healing as you won’t need to see them all the time. Distance really does help even though I know you are hurting now. Mine didn’t leave that long ago (few weeks) but already I feel lots better not being around his poison.

Luv – sorry you are here and hope you are slowly coming to terms with the damage done to you. It is not fair that good people are targetted but it seems that is usually how it is. If either of you have access to $15 I thoroughly recommend you download the ebook Women who Love Psychopaths by Sandra Brown with Dr Liane Leedom (Dr Leedom is one of the expert posters here).

Reading the book allowed me to understand in detail how the relationship got so toxic and how I got trapped there. It also spells out very clearly the incredibly good and beautiful aspects of women who get stuck with these assholes. It was a healing experience to read it and realise there is nothing wrong with us – it’s them who are sick. We have so much to offer the world and a person who deserves us. You can download it from here or you may be able to buy from the Lovefraud site

http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/category/products-and-services/e-books

I can’t recommend it highly enough – it will set your mind at ease on many questions that run through your head constantly – could I have done anything differently? Why me? Why did I get stuck there? Why am I so depressed at the end of this relationship? There is a 40% discount on it at the moment … I bought a prepay credit card just so I could read it!

I look back at some of the earlier posts on this thread and WHERE ARE THOSE PEOPLE?

What happened? What is the REST of the story? Did they go back? Did they move on in pain?

Probably I will never have closure on this subject, many come and post their pain for a while and then “disappear” into cyber space, but I can still pray for them, send cosmic caring to them.

Polly, I think it is so great that you are going back adn reading these old posts, I wish everyone here would go back and read or reread every article here, there is so much wisdom here on this site.

maybe even if we ahve read all of them before, maybe there is something in a particular article we weren’t ready to receive as truth at that time, but now we are.

KNOWLEGE=POWER and we need to learn about ourselves, and to chink the cracks in our souls so that we never again fall victim to another P-attack! VICTOR not victim!!! TOWANDA!!!

I am learning as much as I can Oxy – my life has turned in a direction I wasn;t expecting and I guess I am interested in this from an educational / support perspective. So many people just don’t ‘get it’. Even my mother who witnessed many of his awful behaviours first hand dismisses my need to know about psychopathy. I wish I had met someone while I was in Hell who really understood what I was going through.

I don’t know what will become of all this learning and insight – I am open to it. I have written the guts of a book (true it would need HEAPS of editing!), have started plotting out a documentary and am thinking about how to express these traits creatively in many ways. I’m also open to possibly changing career tack at this point. I know there are potentially thousands of others out there suffering as I was in false hope. Whilst I couldn’t be a psychologist or counsellor without a lot of training, I could look at being a kind of coach for others. I don’t know where it is all leading at the moment but am staying open for signs. II need to do lots more work on myself first of course!

I feel so much stronger now than before. I recall the first few times I read here. I was struck by the empathy but utter professional approach of the posters – they really seek to explain in rational terms what we all have suffered and show great love for people reading in the way they word what they say. That impresses me – there is also a toughness here – tough love in detaching from the poison. The more I can learn the better it will be for me in the future. The old posts are just as brilliant as the new ones and hold hidden gems for everyone.

I also wonder what happened to the people with unfamiliar names who posted so long ago – it would be wonderful if they shared updates with us from time to time. I assume they are well advanced in their healing. I read on another site that one of the chief indicators of healing is when you don’t need to visit the boards so often to read and post. I am reading and posting a lot but don’t take that to mean my healing is not progressing well even though I still feel stuck in many areas. I have a strong interest in the topic and feel I may have something to contribute down the track to help others and ultimately that is what my life is all about – helping others – I won’t be helping psychopaths in the future though!

I agree with you about getting new messages from articles we have already read – I read and re read current posts too and each time something new pops out at me. TOWANDA indeed! (I actually got that out last weekend and watched it again with new eyes lol)

Pollyanna:
I’m right there with ya girl!
My way of healing and going through the journey was/is to educate myself……and educate others…..
I joke….that….if you have met me….you have heard about sociopaths…..
Now I refer to them in ‘public’ as Cluster B’s…..hint, hint…..100% of the time I say ‘cluster B’ and peoples response is….WHATS THAT.
(They asked, so they listen intently!)
When I would say sociopath….sometimes I was heard, sometimes tuned out…..
So I learned the “HEAR ME” phrase….CLUSTER B Personality disorder.
I have spoken to judges, attorneys, medical professionals, DV advocates, survivors etc…….there IS a way we can make a difference and raise awareness…..
We will ALL find our niche.
I admire your tenacity and willingness to go the distance…..it’s definately an uphill battle……but with personal rewards abound….
Nothing better than a win – win situation.
Educating ourselves and getting ourselves out of the ‘mess’…..and helping others too!

I say….Pollyanna…..YOU GO GIRL!!!!!

Thanks EB!!! What a nice encouragement to read before bed. That is a great idea you have there – Cluster B’s sounds far more scientific than psychopath – which people tend to think you’re exaggerating 🙂 I will definitely try that. Yes I am tending to talk a lot about what I have learned too – it’s easy because it’s so on my mind.

Education makes all the difference – thanks to what I am learning here and other places I no longer feel trapped in that dark place. It’s an incredible gift to have all the elements of the relationship broken apart and explained so you can see how you ended up there and why this person was impossible to reach at any intimate level – they are not human.

I found an online book the other night from the 1890s called The Unfinished Man – intriguing to read about incidences of psychopathy / sociopathy in Victorian society. Due to the era there was very little emphasis on relationships but the author did find sociopaths unfit for parenting and had extreme concerns about them passing on their traits genetically. Most of the book focussed on justice issues and their impact on the community due to their lack of character. I quite like the term Unfinished Man 🙂

You have a great day / night EB – you give heaps of hope and encouragement to others here and it is muchly appreciated!

I’m just writing because I simply need help. I have lost everything that is me in this 3 year relationship with someone I loved so much. I try and try to get rid of him, but he always comes back. I know I am so lucky I have not married him and that it has only been 3 years. But I’m so sad all the time and depressed, and I used to be a happy, optimistic person. I cannot seem to move on with my life and seem I will be stuck here forever.

HeatherM,
The good news (and I know nothing seems good right now) is that you do have a choice. The bad news is that it isn’t easy.

If you are involved with an S/P/N they will keep coming back into your life as long as you are able to “supply” them with what they want.

The only way to get them out of your life is by going N/C (no contact) That means no phone calls, no emails, no texting, no face book, no my space, nothing. It also means not only not responding BUT also NOT reading their text, emails or listening to the phone messages they might have left.
The messages they leave are the “bait” they use to draw you back in.
So if you are serious about wanting the relationship to end, you do have a choice. You don’t have to stay stuck.

Read the articles here. They offer alot of information and hope. I hope you keep reading.

Simple…take all of the accumulated documentation: written and taped, both audio and video if you’ve got it as I do, and submit all of it to the police and the courts…end of story and merry Christmas to those who will be in prison where they belong…they do not pass go nor do they collect $200.00…

one/joy_step_at_a_time

i wonder how they fare in prison? anyone have any stories / research?

Dear One step,

My P son has been in prison for about 20 years and he thrives there….loves putting things over on the guards, and gets lots of fun with other inmates. It is the perfect place for them, it is in a way paradise for Ps.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Oxy,

So, the other cons don’t even see what he is?
F&*k.

I was wondering if other inmates might see them and not take the crap….

Of course they see him for what he is, but he preys on the dumber and weaker, and learns to manipulate the bigger and meaner. It is always a challenge and they love the challenge! It is EXCITEMENT! Just like a gambler likes the excitement, win or lose, it is EXCITEMENT! Aventure. If he gets caught (so far that I know of in 15 years he has been busted by the warden/guards for 19 MAJOR violationos of rules including having a knife, having a cell phone, and other things. It actually kept him from getting parole the last time he was up for parole in 2007 (he comes up again in 2011) but he doesn’t have enough sense to quit violating the rules and just do his time, he must ahve excitement! He also loves the conning and the plotting and being the SMARTEST convict on the block! Yep, he probably IS the smartest convict on the block, but you know what—he is still just another lousy convict. Being the smartest one on the block is not any big deal when you get down to it! LOL

My ex was locked up for a little over 2 years too and I will say that our conversations about his time away were minimal and actually spoken about with distaste, however, I can TOTALLY envision his sneaky ass ‘making nice’ with whomever he needed to live comfortably.

We discussed at one time predators and prey and what each looks like, you know, in a casual conversation. I asked him what he thought I was (as we decided people fit into one or the other categories). You should have seen his face light up! He responded, almost with prideful smugness “honestly, you want me to tell you? You are easy prey.” What a nasty, sick, disgusting person he is….

one/joy_step_at_a_time

R babe – my spath used to go on and on about how ‘he’ was prey…he acted like someone with a severe dependence disorder…i believe she was reading about disorders to give her sock puppets. fer f%^ks sake, she disordered her alter egos!!

yep, on and on about how his eyes were ‘not on the sides of his head’ (ie he was human) and shouldn’t be prey…but was….sob sob.

Oxy – okay I get it. it’s play time there for him, even if it costs him, he HAS to play. this is where the ‘stupid’ of it comes in.

I am married to a man whose ex wife is a sociopathic mother of their two children. Both children have been brainwashed and alienated from him(us) to what the therapist says is “the worse case of alienation he has ever witnessed in his 35 yrs of his profession. One child is 18 now , but the other just turned 14. Neither child wants anything to do with their dad who had been there for them 24/7 emotionally, physically, and financially as long as legally possible. There are many “prisoners’ and victims in this heartbreaking disaster. It has a long time to go before it ends…and she continues to lie, manipulate, and fool almost everyone in her path…she’s even succeeded at working the system to her advantage with lies and lives “high on the hog” without having to “ever work again” in her words. God help us all and God help the children, and all of us who didn’t know what a sociopath was until we got “taken”, and God bless those of us who are in love with the poor person who was married to these monsters. Beth V

My B–ch of a younger daughter{now 43,} has never allowed me to see any of her 3 kids, now 13, 11, and 1 and a half years old. To this day, i dont know what i am supposed to have done to her. last Xmas, the older boy, Bart, was staying the night with my other spath daughter, and her 3 kids. My youngest Grand daughter, Mary,,[now 8,} rang me to thank me for a gift voucher Id sent her. She mentione d that Bart was there. I said to her,”Can you ask him if he wants to talk to Granny?” She cam e back and said,”He says, which Granny?” I said, “”Granny M.” She came back to the phone and said,”He says, No thank you.” So you see, she has brainwashed her kids, God knows what lies shes told them about me. These precious kids are being denied loving Grandparents. Apparently, Grand parents have very few rights.Its maybe better I havent met them, nd bonded with them, as shed only torture me worse then.Thankfully our wonderful new “family,” our adopted Iranian adult “kids” are coming over for Xmas, and staying over till Boxing Day. This is the first Xmas in years I havent dreaded, but it will be the first Xmas since she was born 45 years ago that I wont see my older spath daughter. She hasnt rung, and I wont ring her.
Ive no idea what she will be doing over xmas as she has no flat of her own, and her ex, my SIL, now has full time custody of these precious kids. he is bringing them over N. Years Day.
So I wont have to “eat crow” or “brownnose” { horrid expression!} with my daughter, to get to see them. Hurrah!! Towanda!!Im aware that Xmas is a loaded time emotionally for lots of LF bloggers, so just wanted to say to ALL of you,
Love, PEACE!! hang in there,God is on our side!Much Love, and {{HUGS!!}}} geminigirl.XXXXThey are heartless b–ches{and bastards,}, and karma will get them in the end!!

Dear Sweet Gem,

I hear your frustration and your anger at the unfairness of it to both you and your grandchildren, but accepting that it is out of our control is about all we can DO about it. I am so happy that you have found love with your new “adopted” family and that your SIL is bringing your grandkids over to see you. The grandkids you get to see may well change the minds of your other grandkids as they get older and can decide things for themselves so don’t totally despair of them yet. Sometimes it takes kids until they are adults to see that their poison parent was lying to them about another relative.

Though I know you would like to see and have a relationship with those children NOW, that is only natural.

This will be another (I think the third) Christmas without being with my egg donor or seeing her and where she goes for Christmas or what she does, I don’t either know or care if she even “has” a Christmas. Her 2 neices and 1 nephew have their together, but as far as I know she’s never been invited, and she sure wasn’t invited here! Our little “celebration” has already “been” and son D left for his holiday with his bio family for a few days. But it has been a wonderful time of peace, love and joy for us—just like every day is!

8 years ago I travelled 7,625 miles to make a fresh start with my then 6 y/o son. I left everything that was dear and familiar to me and moved to the USA to make a fresh start after my marriage ended when my best friend and husband hooked up. For 7 years I was not with any man at all – not once.

In November 2006 I fell in love again. I met someone who appeared kind, decent and honest. He knew my past and what prompted me tp come here. I was with him for 2 years. He is the only Caucasian man I ever dated and been with. He taught me how Americans date such as “here in America people have sex on the 3rd date”.

He cheated on me repeatedly – prostitites, women he would meet when he’s out of town. I found a list of women’s names which turned out to be the list of women he slept with and there were many names after mine. I found a soiled woman’s underwear in his nightstand.

Despite it all I stayed with him. He said he cheated on me because I made him angry while he was away on a trip so he slept with 3 women on that 8 day trip. And I beleived him that it was my fault. Afterall, I did make him angry.

2 years ago on my 39th birthday he dumped me just like that. I endured so much for this man. But no matter what I did it wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t good enough.

It’s ironic I travelled almost 8,000 miles and it took me 7 years to muster the courage to love again only to be mistreated and betrayed so badly.

It’s been 2 years yet the anger, hurt and pain is always just beneath the surface. I am so hurt and angry because he knew my past and what I have been through yet he did much worse. How could someone be so evil, heartless and ruthless? How could they look you in the eye and say I love you over and over again and yet knowingly do so many hurtful things to you.

After 2 years I am still soooo angry……so hurt. I am losing hope things will ever change. I have forgotten what it’s like to live without your heart aching constantly.

I am so angry and hurt and I don’t know what to do with all that. I want to lash out and get even but no matter what I do, the deep hurt and burning anger remains.

I don’t know how to deal with the pain and anger. There are so many times I just want to die. I am losing hope.

Deceived, I am very sorry to read all that you went through, the betrayl is what really hurt me the most in my life. I am glad though that you found this website. It has helped me so much, I have learned a lot about these evil people and better yet I ended up learning more about myself.

His cheating on you because you made him “angry” is nonsense, see how he turned it around and made it look like it was your fault — when it wasn’t? One thing you need to figure out is why you stayed despite everything that was going on… and believe me this is something that I wrestle with constantly in my mind. I have a lot of hurt that is just under the surface also.

Please do not give up hope, my advice to you would be to read as many of the articles that you can here… and to also keep posting and reading others comments, it helps sooooooooo much, this website has been a life saver for me, I just did not understand what was going on, blaming myself for everything for years and years, always trying to please people so they wouldn’t go away, didn’t matter how they were treating me.

So I have changed, my eyes have been opened, these people are evil, don’t care about others, have no compassion, remorse or empathy for others. They are predators. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH, these sub humans always have an agenda, manipulate people… and when they have squeezed everything out of you they move on to another, they are a parasite. We just have to get strong and learn about ourselves so we never let another parasite attach themselves to us again. We have to have boundaries and know what we will or will not accept in a relationship and be willing to walk away if we are not being treated well.

This is a journey we are all on together, I hope you will stay with us so we can get to know you. There are so many loving, supportive, caring people here, it will be a good place for you to start understanding what happened… so it will never happen to you again. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hope to hear from you again real soon!!! God Bless.

Hi SC, Hi Deceived,
Deceived,
Welcome to LF, your life is going to start getting better from now on. ShabbyChic’s advice is exactly right, read as much as you can here and also read books on narcissism, you will begin to understand what happened and why. You’ll learn about yourself, most of all and that’s what will change your life for the better. It will be just like you’ve been walking around color blind or without depth perception and suddenly, everything comes into focus. The new focus will come from being able to read the hidden emotional component of each interaction with the people of the lie. Their lies will become more and more transparent as you learn about them and what makes them tick. You will soon realize it was not your fault, they are just liars and manipulators and they loving the lie. They enjoy it so much, like an addict enjoys his addiction. It’s so bizarre that you will always feel slimed when you encounter it, but you will no longer be confused and blame yourself.

Decieved, Yes, I can certainly identify with the hurt and the anger. It’s normal to have those (awfull) feelings, and we have to accept and work through them. It is an enormous help to talk about it with people who “get it”, and we at LF, “get it.” The more you share here with us about your feelings, doubts, perceptions, anything and everything, the faster you will get out from under your sadness and rage.

Like both Shabby and Skyler said, read as much as you can and hang in there. One day at a time and you will feel better.

I’m glad you’re here, and hope you will stick around a while.

Dear Deceived,

Welcome here to lovefraud. You have been cheated, and like the posts above say, it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

He sounds like a psychopath because normal people do not treat others like that, and he used your cultural differences against you. Not every, or even most, Americans have sex on the 3rd date, they have sex when they feel they want to be that close to another person. That may not be until after marriage or for a long time after starting to date, it depends on the other person and yourself.

I also encourage you to read here, all the articles in the archives by subject or by author, as the dated archives only go back one year and I encourage you to read ALL the articles here at LF. Educating ourselves, and the knowledge we gain is what gives us back our POWER. God bless.

Dear Deceived,

Welcome to LoveFraud. You can be assured that every one of us here know what you’re going thru—the anger over the betrayal, having your hopes & dreams used against you..& the hurt from his making you think it was all your fault….the confusion from not understanding how someone could use another person so coldly, so purposely…& then even more anger from realizing that he actually Enjoyed living a lie, putting things over on you!!

My wound only occurred 6 months ago, so my pain is still quite fresh…..I’m here in triage myself….& this is a ER & a place where you can find long-term, nurturing care & support. There’s so much wisdom here…..so much good advice….read & share, read & share, read & share. It’s a healthy process.

You didn’t say if you’re actually working with a therapist or taking meds, but I know we all advise that–I’m not that far along, but I know I wouldn’t even be *here* if it weren’t for my 2x weekly therapy sessions, my meds, & the “group therapy” here at LF.

For me, the hardest part is getting back a sense of self-worth, which was shaky enough before he took a club to it! I’ve always recognized my faults, but I thot I was an “acceptable” human being until he blamed his NEED to destroy me because he “had to put his own oxygen mask on first”….[read: “I had to have an alternate relationship & leave you for her because you were SO Awful that you were killing me!”]

GASLIGHTING: an important word I’ve learned here. It takes a lot of work on yourself (or at least it does in my case), but if you keep remembering, remembering, remembering that HE turned everything he was doing around to be because of the “bad things” YOU were doing, you’ll recognize that as one of the most lethal weapons he used against you. He HAD to make you (& others) believe it was your fault: it’s part & parcel of the sociopathic/narcissistic arsenal. You have to blow that weapon to bits! BELIEVE IT! A bad thing happened to you, but it wasn’t & isn’t Your Fault!

Thank you, everyone. It is so sad we all had to meet under this circumstance. And that fact alone angers me even more. I have never known what evil is like until I met this man. It sickens me to know there are men like these out there and it is frightening to know there many of them.

He wrote to me numerous times but I did not respond. It is hard not to but I know it will cause me more pain.

For those of you who are way ahead of me in trying to recover and heal from the encounter with these sick predators, is it really possible to have a day go by where he doesn’t cross your mind anymore and he no longer affeccts you the way he had in the past?

This is all I really want for myself. I just want to forget having ever met this monster. But I do not know if that’s even possible.

Deceived, yes it is possible!!!! I am still at the point where I have good days and bad days but many people have written about their healing and how much better they are feeling (and not thinking about the spath all the time). I am attaching a link to an article here at Lf that really helped me a lot…

http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/04/06/advice-for-dealing-with-sociopaths-don%e2%80%99t-take-it-personally/

one/joy_step_at_a_time

decieved – I am not yet to the point that a day goes by that I don’t think about the spath – but there are HOURS, and that is a coup! I still feel disengaged with life, and sad most of the time, but i am no longer completely focused on the spath.

i think more about the damage done now, hence the chronic sadness (i’d like to move away from that, too, as it is limiting). I think i am at a stage that some of the active hurt is abating, but i still haven’t made a big choice to heal. I have a lot of challenges that complicate the healing for me. I know i would be further ahead than i am if it didn’t, but, it is what it is.

I have been out of the relationship for about a year, and hanging out here about 11 months. there is change, there is progress, it IS possible. I expect to be in much better shape a year from now. one important piece for me is receiving treatment for PTSD (I am going for neurofeedback); I think it will make a lot of difference over time.

best,
one step

deceived; for me, its been up and down. I finally broke it off over the summer and for a few months all I did was cry, couldn’t sleep and just kept reading and reading trying to figure him out (how I found LF). Finally, it got better. I wasn’t going to sleep thinking about him, I wasn’t waking thinking about him, I didn’t care if he found someone else–at that point I was thinking “take him PLEASE!” Yet, I can have bad day from time to time. Just this week I got a call from his “therapist” that put me into tears and made me angry all over again. As some here know, its not even verified that was an actual therapist, but non the less it affected me. The next day was better once again. It is an emotional roller coaster coming of the ride of the spath-no doubt about it. But once you start focusing on YOU, being kind to YOU, and loving YOURSELF, it will get better-promise. HUGS to you!

For me,it is a journey within myself.
This site is similar to a 12 step program,only in the way that
the members here,have been through it,and are mostly herre to sharee their experience,strength,and hope..

It is odd how quickly I am recovering from this.
Part of it is that I have meet a new guy,and am very smitten..

Also,I read alot on here,but one of my personal main focuses,
is to not become an angry,bitter,person…
THAT is what seems to be helping me the most..

Not to stay focused on “what he did”,but to stay FOCUSED,
on “what I can do” from this point on.
Do I want to stay down in the muck of “How wronged I have been”?

No..I don’t..

What I’ve discovered for myself,is that I can bitch,cry,complain,and wish
this,that or the other had been different in the way things were,but it will not change what happened,and the way it happened..
Is it wrong?
Yes.
Did it hurt?
Yes.

How I choose to live my life from this point on(with all the new knowledge,wisdom(hopefully),and awareness that I have..
Is Entirely Up To Me..

That is how I am Recovering from my experience with the spath..
To Change me..Not Him.
That won’t work..

But meanwhile..

I have a wonderful life to live!!!

: )

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