Con artists are a special category of sociopaths. In fact, most if not all are also psychopaths. If you were tricked by a con artist, I would say you are in good company, since all three of the authors on this blog were also fooled by con artists! This week one of our readers posted her story as a comment to ASK DR. LEEDOM: FAQ #1 “Why is this so hard for us mentally?” Her post illustrates many of the important characteristics of a con:
In 1998 I was ripped off by a con artist, whom I met through a personal ad. I was going through a very serious depression at the time, and that’s when I met him. He seemed like a breath of fresh air, very intelligent, different than other men I had met. He seemed very supportive of me, and what I was going through with my depression.
He asked me “what are your goals”. I realize now, that this is how he tricked me – into believing that he was going to help me achieve a few things—I said I wanted to move into a home – he helped me find a home – but guess who was paying the high rent of the home??? ME. Once I moved in with him, he had COMPLETE control of me, and was using my credit. He convinced me to order a variety of credit cards, and buy all types of things for this home that we were living in, stating that he had money invested in the stock market that would take care of it all.
When I look back on it now, I realize how stupid I was, but at the time, I was going through a very serious depression, was not thinking clearly, and allowed this jerk to manipulate me. He would go into these screaming rages, and this is one of the ways he controlled and intimidated me into doing what he wanted.
We were only together for six months, because when the money ran out, he was gone. While I was out of town, he took off, and moved a lot of the possessions (which I paid for) out of the house.
I had to declare bankruptcy, my good credit was ruined, and I lost an apartment that I had paid for – as he convinced me to take out a mortgage on my apartment & he would invest the money for me, and I would get an excellent return on the money.
I was too devastated to pursue the guy in a civil law suit, and am trying to move on with my life – this happened almost 9 years ago, but still remains fresh in my memory as though it were only yesterday.
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist??
The first thing to notice is that con artists target vulnerable people they meet in settings like ads or the internet. In my case, I was a single mother who was still healing from the loss of a relationship, and I met him through the internet. Depression, anxiety and losses make people vulnerable.
The second thing to notice is that con artists sense what lovers are looking for and pretend to be that person. In particular, they pretend to be emotionally intelligent and caring. They are also charming and fun to be with. The fun part serves to relieve sadness in a person suffering from depression or getting over a loss.
The third and most important thing to notice is that con artists play upon our dreams. I had an experience identical to this woman’s. One day shortly after our marriage my husband asked me, “If you could do anything in the world you wanted to do, what would you do?” I told him I would start a substance abuse clinic where people could receive needed treatment irrespective of their ability to pay. My husband then said, “I’ve accomplished my own goals, now I am going to make your dream come true for you”¦”
Con artists know when they get your dreams they get you. They then simply do the Bait and Switch Game. You see, they bait you with your dream then switch to something else. They do the switch slowly and subtly over time. Psychologically, the victim doesn’t want to see the switch because then he/she would have to give up on the dream.
By far the most painful, difficult aspect of healing for me has been the fact that my dream (which was basically altruistic) was used to hurt me. Many victims just want a stable, happy family for their children. When these motives, which come from goodness, are used for evil, the effect is particularly damaging. I think that con artists do this damage intentionally, trying to actually murder by suicide. They are on such a power trip, they get enormous pleasure from destroying people. That is a subject for a later post.
So how do you get over having been conned? First don’t give up on your dreams. In my case, the dream changed. I realized that if I worked at it, I could prevent many more cases of mental illness or addiction than I could ever personally treat. Thus my dream transformed into something else.
Second, don’t give up yourself. Your dreams reflect important values and qualities you have. Even though it is very painful to have these used against you, it is even more painful to lose yourself. Don’t let the con artist take any more from you than he/she already has.
Lastly, have the courage to keep working on your vulnerabilities. If depression made you vulnerable, stay in treatment. If loss and loneliness made you vulnerable, work to find more healthy outlets. Take good care of yourself, don’t abuse substances, be sure to exercise and eat right. Write down new goals for yourself and make a little progress in those goals every day. Lastly, give yourself positive messages about making progress and being the good person you are. If you are doing all these things be patient, better times are just ahead.
Dear Whyme,
((((((Hugs)))))) Darling, your post made me cry! I have so been there….with almost all of them at one time or another.
You have made a start, a step, you have admitted that you have an “addiction”—you have admitted that it is ruining your life, and you are seeking help from your higher power! You are working on it.
Start today—make today the first day of NC—instead of going to the FB page, or the other internet venues, come HERE…there is almost someone here 24/7 to blog with you, it isn’t a “chat room” but it won’t take long and I know there are people who will stay with you, so use LF as your P-A group!
Hey, lady, if I could quit cigs, you can quit the contact! I did NOT want to quit cigs, but I knew I HAD TO! And you know you HAVE TO QUIT this contact or you will never get a life! Do it for YOURSELF!!!! I know you can!
BTW, you are as strong as you decide you are! So quit saying “I am weak” or I’ll get the skillet after you! LOL (((Hugs)))) Now go write down I AM STRONG, 500 times and turn it in by supper time!~ ((((Hugs)))) and my prayers for you!
i am strong i am strong i am strong i am strong i am strong i am strong i am strong i am strong i am strong i am strong.
Only 490 to go. 🙂
thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you, Oxy.
I did come here & admit my addiction & my powerlessness, so that I wouldn’t give into my jones & make the call. I’m going to be strong, & I going to see my therapist apptmnt right now. But the day isn’t over. 🙁
Thank you for the prayers, thank you for the support, & thank you for the threat of the skillet, & Thank You for your (((HUGS)))!
Kim,
Thanks for the pat on the back.
Oxy,
Way to go on your lifestyle approach. I’m actually writing a book about losing weight. When I get it published, I’ll let you know.
It is NOT about a diet. NOR is it about a lifestyle. It’s about something NOBODY is talking about. Nobody I’ve read anyway.
It’s worked for me so well, that I feel obligated to write a book about it. It’s changed my life, but all this NEVER would have happened if not for MY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU KNOW WHO!
Love to you all.
Peace Sisters
WhyMe, Just take it one day (5 minutes)at a time. When you wake up in the morning ask your higher power for help, say please…and when yougo to sleep at night, say thank-you. Try to recognize that the seemingly anonymous act of checking facebook or whatever is keeping you on an emotional bender….understand that emotional sobriety only comes from abstinance. As Oxy said, come here instead. You could possibly use the twelve steps to help you….I’m convinced they work for almost any problem. I understand how you are feeling. I was in a relationship I wanted out of for 7 years….and yes, I was hooked. Totally powerless. My heart felt prayers are with you.
Forgiveness is a process and it takes time. I am not God and I am not into the forgiving business. I was wronged and betrayed and I am angry as hell. I hate this person and no I do not forgive him and will never forgive him for what he did and how he mistreated me.
Sometimes I feel that other people put pressure on themselves to forgive the man/woman who wronged them. If you are able to then good for you. However, there are people like me who do not forgive and have no intention of forgiving the wrong done to me and it has not prevented me from living my own new life.
I am able to function. I have built a new life without him, kept a good paying job and continue to be a good Mom to my son whom I have raised on my own for 11 years w/o help from anyone and no child support.
I do not, will not and will never forgive this man and I’m okay with that.
Dear Deceived,
Each one of us deals with the issue of “forgiveness” in a different way, some people define “forgiveness” differently as well.
My egg donor “defined” forgiveness as “pretending it never happened” and forgetting about it AND trusting those people again.
I do NOT define “forgiveness” as that, but instead, as getting the “bitterness” out of my own heart, the angst, the twisted anger that stood between me and peace. EACH of us is ABSOLUTELY entitled to DEFINE their own feelings. As long as YOU are OK with your feelings, I would never try to define YOUR feelings, that is your own thing, not mine.
My egg donor backed up her “right” to DEFINE my feelings as teaching me about “God”—well, HER god, maybe, but no longer MINE. She no longer has any say in defining my feelings. I took my OWN POWER, and I will defend anyone’s right to define their own feelings. I will share mine with anyone who is interested, but never try to cram my opinion down their throats on what they “should” or “should not” FEEL.
The psychopaths are the ones who try to define our worlds. Gaslight and twist reality. NO MORE!
Love is also a VERB! in my opinion, we ACT love or not, and words don’t count–SHOWING love by how we treat each other.
Great posts to all!!! whyme hang in there! I am proud of you for getting it out here! type, scream, yell, type some more, cry, holler and type even more. BUT DO NOT HAVE CONTACT! I’t’s not easy! the healing process isn’t easy. It is possible! Oxy has given me some great advice. Time and sharing has been a good start for me. NC is the best way to do it! It’s not easy but you will overcome it in time.
Look at it this way… if you look at FB etc. he is keeping you in his posinous spider web, he may as well be there treating you like carp! And yes, you do deserve what ever you were promised and whatever you see that you were tricked into dreaming about with him….. BUT NOT with him. The mask hasn’t fallen off with his new life yet….. trust me it will!!! That’s when you need to be strong and sit back and laugh that the mask will fall off!!! LOLOLOL
Hang in there!
soimnotthecrazee1!!!!
Deceived,
I know the story of how my spath became a spath.
His father and grandfather abused his mom and he watched, every day. The idea that abusers are powerful was imprinted in his infant mind. As a child of 5 years, he collected all the neighborhood cats and played with them. he has always loved cats. His mom didn’t like so many cats around so she told her friends to put them in a bag and throw them in a nearby river and drown them. She was a stupid, trailor trash woman. My exP was never stupid. Intellectually he was superior to his family and he knew it. Emotionally, he was repressed, but these traumas just made it worse. At age 12 his mom finally divorced his cheating dad. The exP blamed his mom for the breakup. He didn’t know his dad cheated and even if he did, he had long since learned to side with the person in power, which he percieved his father to be. (Another common trait of sociopaths is brown-nosing, the seek to usurp authority without responsibiltiy. I believe this comes from watching other abusers have power over their victims). Angry at his mom, he ran away but she caught him and put him in Juvy. He vowed to “hate you until the day I die”. And he does -even now that she died. There are lots of rotten sociopaths out there, but this guy actually has no other reason for living, than to cause suffering. He is so competely dedicated that he never does anything that won’t offer him another opportunity to be evil. He sells drugs, not for the money, but to stay in contact with the drug addicts and dealers who are easily manipulated into doing his dirty work. I could write a novel dedicated to describing his evil thought process.
My point is this: Sociopaths stay angry. they use anger as their motivation. they wallow in it. That anger is what created their evil and they WANT US TO FEEL IT TOO. It’s why they do what they do. They don’t want to be alone in their HATE. My exP would often say: “I HATE humanity” I didn’t know he REALLY meant exactly that.
I’ve examined my emotions and sometimes I feel angry at the exP. Often feel angry and sick when I see my parents. But when I examine the emotion closer, it’s more of a revulsion. I find the sociopath disgusting like a slimey slug or a creepy bug. Disgust or revulsion is a more appropriate reaction to have when we see evil. Evil is like a rotting creature, so we should be repulsed. Its why we feel slimed or like we need to shower.
Anyway, hating or being angry with the sociopath is like being angry with a virus, scorpion or hurricane or the pile of shit you just stepped in. It’s a waste of energy. They are what they are. We need to protect ourselves from them, but not dwell in anger.
Hello Everyone…
I have been keeping up with reading your posts on here, even though I haven’t posted in awhile.
For those of you who know my story, and literally ‘saved’ my life when I went through some very rough times in the past year, I still carry you around with me…hearing your wisdom and advice in my head always.
I came on here over a year ago, because I got deeply involved with a man who confused me from the start. His words (lovebombing) didn’t match his actions. Even his words to himself..ie: I’m going to do this or that..go to the gym everyday, etc…and he never did what he said.
Most of you know my story…I caught him in lies and then finally found that he was on several dating sites while he texted and called me all day long, and yet didn’t act like he was a “real” boyfriend. He only wanted to see me when he wanted sex. We did little together outside of the phone conversations and bed.
I settled for this, because he was the first man I got involved with for five years after my divorce from a real sociopath (my xhusb was diagnosed by a professional as a sociopth). I was so happy to finally meet a man who proclaimed to love me so much and I felt that I found my best friend/lover.
From the start, my gut feeling was that something wasn’t right, although I enjoyed our hour long phone conversations, and our intimacy.
When I found him on online dating sites I was hurt and shocked and broke it off completely..NC. Five months later, he reeled me back in. Constant texting, emails, apologies.
We got back together and he promised me the world…and it only lasted five months and I ended the relationship when I caught him in another lie.
Well, this past July, we got back together. Only this time, I wanted to be only friends…no benefits. I wanted to see how things would work out. I kept one eye open and was not afraid to confront him when I was confused, and I took control of the relationship..only seeing him when I wanted to and not catering to HIS needs.
We became intimate again..and I realized that I really don’t trust him still. I didn’t feel that he was a true sociopath, but I felt that he was still selfish and manipulating me. Only this time…I called him on all of it.
I realized that when I didn’t “jump” for him, he would get angry. I also realized that he was a very selfish man. I told him that I wasn’t happy just talking and texting on the phone, going to a movie once in awhile, and just getting together when he wanted to have sex.
Once again, I felt like we were just “friends with benefits”. So, I began to make excuses to not see him to only have sex. He got scared and I confronted him again. So, he took me out to eat..which he rarely does…promised me the world…just to get me back in bed.
When we got back together in July, he took his profile off the dating sites that he claimed he was on “just to look at pretty women”.
Well, all along, I lost my feeling of being “in love” with him. I didn’t want to have sex with him anymore…I didn’t trust him still. I started to feel that he was still manipulating me. He would take time off from work to go to Florida for four days to a football game with his buddies…but never spent time doing anything with me. He sensed it and would buy me gifts . I felt that it was all done to get sex from me…it wasn’t sincere.
I didn’t enjoy being with him anymore. And, I told him…this isn’t working for me. He became angry and blamed it all on me…that I wanted “too much”.
Finally I told him that it was over. I then went online to see if he was back on the dating sites. He was. He changed his age and location and put down that he was “just on here to look at pretty woman” ! It showed that he wasn’t a new member..he had been on it over thirty days! I got my answer.
He called me and I blatantly told him that he was the biggest F’ing liar I ever met in my life and that I don’t ever want his friendship even…(which I told him that we could remain friends, when I ended it).
He denied being on the site and funny, but the profile was deleted the same day! lol
I felt FREE when I finally stood up for myself and ended it. This was the third time around with him and I decided that I didn’t love him anymore. He killed any last feelings I had for him.
This time around, I am blocking his number from my phone. I finally realized that I deserve better and I am not settling for a man who doesn’t truly love me.
I feel proud of myself that I was able to confront him this time around, and end it. I feel free now.
Last time, I was shocked, angry, hurt and fell into a self sabotoging depression. I don’t feel this way now. I feel good about myself, that I didn’t allow someone to manipulate me anymore.
I also realized that it wasn’t HIM that I missed last time. It was the low self esteem I had that made me FEAR that I’ll never have a companion and I will be alone forever.
I closed one door, and now I feel confident that all good things will come to me. And, if I have to be “alone” for awhile, its okay. I will continue to work on myself…getting into shape, and taking care of my children.
I’m not sure if he is a sociopath, but I do know that he is totally selfish and out to fill his own needs. He was abandoned terribly as a child by his mother at age ten. Never saw her again…and has NO idea who his father is. He has had two failed marriages and troubled relationships with women. One took all his belongings and burnt them in a truck! ( She was arrested for it!) I always wondered why she did this!…
He is a very emotionally disturbed man who I see as a little angry, negative, unhappy boy, looking for people to leach on and live off of…all to satisfy his own needs. He CAN”T give. He has nothing to draw from.
I am healthy emotionally and strong, and happy. I worked hard to survive and raise my children alone. They are young teens now and I enjoy being with them more than hanging out with a man who is selfish and inconsiderate and can’t give.
Anyway, my healing has been a long journey. I will continue to keep my self esteem up and not let anyone cross my boundaries ever again. I am very selective with whom I let into my life…and I am okay with not being in a relationship..unless its with a healthy man.
I truly believe that you cannot have a healthy relationship until your self esteem is high. Low self esteem and fear allow others to manipulate and abuse us. Its all about feeling good about yourself and being strong….only the strong survive.
Dear 2BHappy,
I’m glad that you came back here and I am SOOO glad that you realized this man is nothing but a lying sack of chit!
People don’t have to be “serial killers” to be TOXIC and I’ve come to the conclusion that I would RATHER be alone for the rest of my life than to put up with EVEN ONE LIE—-my boundaries are high, and I am glad because I do not want t allow in any liars or users. NOT ANY.
There was a time when I felt SO ALONE and felt like I NEEDED a relationship to be complete, but it is NOT NOW and Now I realize that until I am COMPLETE without a “relationship”, complete IN MYSELF, I don’t need a relationship with some other IN-COMPLETE person. A good relationship is 2 complete persons SHARING that completeness. Not two partial people trying to make a whole person.
Good for you! Enjoy your kiddies and yourself! Be good to yourself! Do things for YOU! (((hugs)))