Con artists are a special category of sociopaths. In fact, most if not all are also psychopaths. If you were tricked by a con artist, I would say you are in good company, since all three of the authors on this blog were also fooled by con artists! This week one of our readers posted her story as a comment to ASK DR. LEEDOM: FAQ #1 “Why is this so hard for us mentally?” Her post illustrates many of the important characteristics of a con:
In 1998 I was ripped off by a con artist, whom I met through a personal ad. I was going through a very serious depression at the time, and that’s when I met him. He seemed like a breath of fresh air, very intelligent, different than other men I had met. He seemed very supportive of me, and what I was going through with my depression.
He asked me “what are your goals”. I realize now, that this is how he tricked me – into believing that he was going to help me achieve a few things—I said I wanted to move into a home – he helped me find a home – but guess who was paying the high rent of the home??? ME. Once I moved in with him, he had COMPLETE control of me, and was using my credit. He convinced me to order a variety of credit cards, and buy all types of things for this home that we were living in, stating that he had money invested in the stock market that would take care of it all.
When I look back on it now, I realize how stupid I was, but at the time, I was going through a very serious depression, was not thinking clearly, and allowed this jerk to manipulate me. He would go into these screaming rages, and this is one of the ways he controlled and intimidated me into doing what he wanted.
We were only together for six months, because when the money ran out, he was gone. While I was out of town, he took off, and moved a lot of the possessions (which I paid for) out of the house.
I had to declare bankruptcy, my good credit was ruined, and I lost an apartment that I had paid for – as he convinced me to take out a mortgage on my apartment & he would invest the money for me, and I would get an excellent return on the money.
I was too devastated to pursue the guy in a civil law suit, and am trying to move on with my life – this happened almost 9 years ago, but still remains fresh in my memory as though it were only yesterday.
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist??
The first thing to notice is that con artists target vulnerable people they meet in settings like ads or the internet. In my case, I was a single mother who was still healing from the loss of a relationship, and I met him through the internet. Depression, anxiety and losses make people vulnerable.
The second thing to notice is that con artists sense what lovers are looking for and pretend to be that person. In particular, they pretend to be emotionally intelligent and caring. They are also charming and fun to be with. The fun part serves to relieve sadness in a person suffering from depression or getting over a loss.
The third and most important thing to notice is that con artists play upon our dreams. I had an experience identical to this woman’s. One day shortly after our marriage my husband asked me, “If you could do anything in the world you wanted to do, what would you do?” I told him I would start a substance abuse clinic where people could receive needed treatment irrespective of their ability to pay. My husband then said, “I’ve accomplished my own goals, now I am going to make your dream come true for you”¦”
Con artists know when they get your dreams they get you. They then simply do the Bait and Switch Game. You see, they bait you with your dream then switch to something else. They do the switch slowly and subtly over time. Psychologically, the victim doesn’t want to see the switch because then he/she would have to give up on the dream.
By far the most painful, difficult aspect of healing for me has been the fact that my dream (which was basically altruistic) was used to hurt me. Many victims just want a stable, happy family for their children. When these motives, which come from goodness, are used for evil, the effect is particularly damaging. I think that con artists do this damage intentionally, trying to actually murder by suicide. They are on such a power trip, they get enormous pleasure from destroying people. That is a subject for a later post.
So how do you get over having been conned? First don’t give up on your dreams. In my case, the dream changed. I realized that if I worked at it, I could prevent many more cases of mental illness or addiction than I could ever personally treat. Thus my dream transformed into something else.
Second, don’t give up yourself. Your dreams reflect important values and qualities you have. Even though it is very painful to have these used against you, it is even more painful to lose yourself. Don’t let the con artist take any more from you than he/she already has.
Lastly, have the courage to keep working on your vulnerabilities. If depression made you vulnerable, stay in treatment. If loss and loneliness made you vulnerable, work to find more healthy outlets. Take good care of yourself, don’t abuse substances, be sure to exercise and eat right. Write down new goals for yourself and make a little progress in those goals every day. Lastly, give yourself positive messages about making progress and being the good person you are. If you are doing all these things be patient, better times are just ahead.
Oxy..”auctions, flea markets, and junk stores”. GIRLFRIEND…we have to talk!
I sell on ebay (report to Social Security) and was an assistant to a Master antiques restorer. Also restore antique lighting. I also fix my own plumbing (copper pipes with acid spring water), fix drywall, and used to garden (before i was afraid to go outside). I am also a gilder and restorer of antique frames.
Dear Jazzy, ARE WE THE SAME PERSON? LOL
Thank you Oxy….
I am just so happy that I had the strength to go back and find the answers to my questions all along. He was good at faking his “love” for me. He texted me this morning that he knows I wont believe him, but “it wasn’t me on that site”! Funny, but he changed the wording pretty fast from “just on here to look at pretty woman” to “no disrespect to women we are not into porn, just a bunch of guys who enjoy looking at pretty women” AFTER I told him that I found him on a porn dating site…which he adamantly denies too!
He is a pathetic liar. He can’t even lie right! How obvious he is!
I am so glad that I didn’t give him what he wanted this time around…sex. And, I wouldn’t even get together with him to “hang out” at one of our homes…only if he took me out to a movie or dinner.
He proved what he was after. And, I stood up for myself and didn’t allow him to use me again!
LOLOL@....... Oxy! found your bff? sounds like me too!! can i join?
jazzy, listen to me, one step outside at a time. first open the front door look out, no threats to you , open the storm door one step out, have a chair available to sit in if needed. enjoy your one step outside, breathe in the fresh air, look at the surroundings, take in the smell and sight of fall and relax! sit in the chair, take it all in! you know, you are only one step away from inside. Keep your hand on the door handle if need be. Take a deep breath and enjoy!!! It’s gonna be OK! Spend 5 minutes and go back inside, later repeat it. You will feel better!
Thankyou all for sharing your personal stories. It has helped me alot to finally make the decision to cut all contact from the so called “love of my life”.
I dont want to remember him as the love of my life as he has hurt me so senselessly.
I was a strong independant financially secure woman in her late 30’s when I met him on a dating site. He was alot different to the men that I was usually attracted to. He was rugged, handsome, confident, and we connected instantly. He put me in my place which I sometimes needed as I had been in a number of relationships with usually meeker and milder men than myself. This one wasnt going to let me walk over him and I respected that in him.
Early on in the relationship I expressed my desire to have a family and because of my age it would have to be in the near future and if this was something he wanted in his life we should continue being together and see where this took us. I should mention that I am only able to conceive via IVF and he was fully aware of my complications.
He is self employed and his business was set up with his ex girlfriend and himself and they still both had a vested financial interest in it after they broke up. It had suited both of them at that time.
I also knew his ex girlfriend many years ago at high school but had not seen her since. (If only I had contacted her before I got in deep). He had a teenage daughter who he did not get on well with and she had just had a baby herself which made him a grandad at 39. (later I would find out that he would never keep up with his child maintenance for his only child through court records he had filed away).
We had a grand time, his business seemed to be going well, I was in a great job which paid me well and we enjoyed going for nice meals and cooking fancy dishes together at each others home. My friends liked him, my parents and one brother liked him and we were inseperable.
I had wanted to buy another home to live in and rent out the one I was currently living in. He helped me look and it became his obsession. He would find houses with big blocks and old home which required alot of maintence, home that would be too much time and energy for me to do on my own. He said he would help me and it would be our U4ME home. ( a word we decided to say to each other if we were upset with each other). Suffice to say I bought an old home on a large block and in he moved with all his stuff (and there was lots of it). He took over the house with his furnishings, his pictures and paintings. My furnishings were not good enough to show so I gave alot of it away to my younger brother.
I trusted this man to repay a $20k loan to me after his equipment broke down and until it was fixed he would not be earning a income. I was promised that he would repay me as soon as he could or in instalments until repaid. I tried to teach him the importance of putting money away for those rainy days for when things like this happen. He wanted my help then.
This was my IVF money that I put away and he knew how important that money was to me and he assured me he would honour his word and I would have the money to make babies with him.
It all changed the instant he moved himself, his belongings and his two big dogs into the new house I purchased. He would be out all night and not get home til the morning. Not just on the weekends but during the week as well. His business was spiralling downwards, the rent he initially paid me stopped and he would leave rubbish all over the house and yard, I felt like I was living in a tip. I was embarrassed to have friends or family over and I could not keep up with it all whilst I was trying to hold onto a vary busy job which required alot of my attention and time. He wouldnt even buy dog food to feed his dogs yet alone clean up their mess. I was beside myself with anxiety everyday and getting deeper and deeper into despair as nothing I would say would be heard. He would be home all day and out all night. I made a huge mistake at work and had to leave. Now I was unemployed and it took me three months to find another job all the while my savings were eaten to keep up with the mortgage payments. My new job was to pay me a significantly lower salary. I could not find the strength in me to look for a highly responsible job and earn the income I was used to so this would have to do.
During this time I would look at his phone and find sexual text messages to a number of women, log into the computer and see previous history showing prostitute sites. I asked him to leave my home on many occasions and he wouldnt or couldnt saying he could’nt afford to. I had moved myself into the spare room and set my living room up in another room so I would not have to have anything to do with him. I was to embarrassed to tell my friends and family for a long time until I finally told my brothers and a couple of close friends.
I was scared for them to do anything as he would have fits of rage where he would verbally abuse me and threaten my life. He raised his fist a number of times but I was always quick to run away. The times I told him to hit me he would think about it but would come to his senses and lower his hand. He was on drugs big time and when I would call or text his friends for some help they would turn the other way and call him and let him know what I was saying and I would recieve another fit of rage for telling everyone our private business.
My brother tried several times to confront him at our home whilst I was at work, but he would never be here. My friend said I had to make a choice. Do I want him gone and eventually I said yes, yes, yes I do. I went to court to get a VRO (restraining order) to get him out of my house. Although he had not hurt me physically, the judge agreed that we were not in a intimate relationship for 9 months and he was not paying any rent and it was my house in my name and he was to leave.
The day came and he took some of his belongings with the understanding that all his stuff needed to go within a month. 3 months passed and we are back in court with most of his furnishings and tools and S–T still in my sheds and patio and the judge gave him one more week or the VRO stays on his record for 2 years.
Finally the day came when he was finally gone from my life. Or so I thought.
Slowly, slowly he sent me messages about how he missed me and now he was clean off the drugs he was started to think clearly and was finding his way back. I was happy for him but still cautious. He wanted to meet up for dinner and when we did I ended up leaving and cried all the way home. He came to my house and heard me crying and asked to come in and when he did he embraced me so genuinely and I just melted into his arms and gave way to the moment and made love so beautifully, I believed we had got thru it. I still loved this man and wanted us to work and so did he.
We started to see each other occassionally and invite each other for dinner. Sometimes it was good and sometimes it was the same old s–t. He started feeding me with the having a family together and pulled at the strings that would make me want him back.
I was always trying to work out during our bad time together what was wrong with this man. I thought it was the drugs, then it was the manipulator, then the narcissist. He was all these combined and much more.
I have finally closed all doors to this man and really need to be strong not to be sucked into him again. I am down $35000 in lent money to him. I have had to sell all my shares to keep up with the mortgage payments and now my rental is on the market to sell. I wasted 3 and half years on a senseless relationship. I have no baby. I am 41 and no money for IVF and no man for sperm. I am so disappointed and devasted by this relationship and what it has taken from me, but it was toxic and he is poison to my my soul. I want to stop feeling so sad and heartbroken and want to stop this feeling in my heart which cant be love. I think its hope been strangled and trust been stabbed. Its a broken heart, thats what it is.
It will take time for me to be the woman I once was and regain my strength to be the best I can be and to have an open heart. I will get there.
Dear sensible,
I’ve changed your name for you.
You did the right thing and it only took you 3.5 years. That is impressive to me since it took me 25.5 years.
That’s why I call you sensible.
Making sense of these slithering reptiles is almost impossible. Our job is to make sense of ourselves.
He knew what you valued and he dangled that carrot. How the hell were you supposed to resist? You couldn’t. But then you did. You looked reality square in the face.
Continue to do that. Take advantage of this pain and learning experience to become the person you were meant to be.
I can already tell you have it in you.
In addition to the above, I have been blamed for everything that went wrong between us. I should have been quiet and let him be when he decided to spend his nights out with whoever he wanted to. I should have trusted him to repay the money. I caused him extreme grief financially by getting a VRO on him. I should never has invaded his privacy by checking his phone. I just need to be patient while he gets his business back in order for us to spend some quality time together. I just have to let him get on with his job so I can get my money back. (the other day he gave me $250. This is the first bit of money he has given me in 3 years and I should be grateful) Its not his fault that I didnt have a child. Its not his fault that I have to sell everything to keep my home. Its not his fault that I am so paranoid. I should get some help fast for my mental state. I am the skitzo. I am the one with the issues. I am the crazy woman who should be locked up. If I call any of my friends to come and confront him he will smash them to pieces. If I get the police involved in removing him from my house, it will be the last thing i do. If I had not put the vro on him I would have had my money back by now. If I had just shut my mouth he would have given me back some of my money by now. Take me to court, I will tell them that you gave me the money as a gift. We are meant to be together. Remember U4ME princess. You will be a mother one day. I only ever wanted to have a child with you. You are the love of my life and we will make it princess. Have faith we will be together with a child of our own, just be patient. I cant come to the dinner for your birthday, I have work to do. I couldnt afford to buy you a christmas present. Never a thankyou for the many gifts I got him. Snatch and grab.
Thankyou Skylar. You are one of the many reasons why I decided to write down my story. I have closed the door and do not ever want to open it again. Its encouragement like yours that will keep my hand away from the handle.
Dear Sensible, I’m with Skylar, you ARE sensible to get out and to STAY OUT!
Don’t let him use the repayment of the loan (in dribs and drabs) to lure you back in. You are out that money and he will never give you the entire amount, only maybe a few hundred here or there to try to use as BAIT to get you hooked again.
Do what you have to do to take care of YOU.
He has lied to you, cheated on you, used you, taken from you, and will ALWAYS CONTINUE TO DO THAT. DO NOT TRUST HIM EVER AGAIN.
If you feel like you want to contact him, come here instead. there will be someone here to hold your hand til the feeling goes away.
Welcome to LoveFraud. Read the 10 signs of Love Fraud, it is a great book and there are articles here as well…hundreds of them! READ READ READ and get stronger. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. TAKE BACK YOUR POWER!
Thankyou Ox Drover. Knowledge is power and reading that other people have got thru to the other side is really what I want to be hearing right now. I have forgiven him but its the forgetting thats the hardest. I hope I dont become bitter. I just want my old self back. Have they invented that time machine yet?