Con artists are a special category of sociopaths. In fact, most if not all are also psychopaths. If you were tricked by a con artist, I would say you are in good company, since all three of the authors on this blog were also fooled by con artists! This week one of our readers posted her story as a comment to ASK DR. LEEDOM: FAQ #1 “Why is this so hard for us mentally?” Her post illustrates many of the important characteristics of a con:
In 1998 I was ripped off by a con artist, whom I met through a personal ad. I was going through a very serious depression at the time, and that’s when I met him. He seemed like a breath of fresh air, very intelligent, different than other men I had met. He seemed very supportive of me, and what I was going through with my depression.
He asked me “what are your goals”. I realize now, that this is how he tricked me – into believing that he was going to help me achieve a few things—I said I wanted to move into a home – he helped me find a home – but guess who was paying the high rent of the home??? ME. Once I moved in with him, he had COMPLETE control of me, and was using my credit. He convinced me to order a variety of credit cards, and buy all types of things for this home that we were living in, stating that he had money invested in the stock market that would take care of it all.
When I look back on it now, I realize how stupid I was, but at the time, I was going through a very serious depression, was not thinking clearly, and allowed this jerk to manipulate me. He would go into these screaming rages, and this is one of the ways he controlled and intimidated me into doing what he wanted.
We were only together for six months, because when the money ran out, he was gone. While I was out of town, he took off, and moved a lot of the possessions (which I paid for) out of the house.
I had to declare bankruptcy, my good credit was ruined, and I lost an apartment that I had paid for – as he convinced me to take out a mortgage on my apartment & he would invest the money for me, and I would get an excellent return on the money.
I was too devastated to pursue the guy in a civil law suit, and am trying to move on with my life – this happened almost 9 years ago, but still remains fresh in my memory as though it were only yesterday.
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist??
The first thing to notice is that con artists target vulnerable people they meet in settings like ads or the internet. In my case, I was a single mother who was still healing from the loss of a relationship, and I met him through the internet. Depression, anxiety and losses make people vulnerable.
The second thing to notice is that con artists sense what lovers are looking for and pretend to be that person. In particular, they pretend to be emotionally intelligent and caring. They are also charming and fun to be with. The fun part serves to relieve sadness in a person suffering from depression or getting over a loss.
The third and most important thing to notice is that con artists play upon our dreams. I had an experience identical to this woman’s. One day shortly after our marriage my husband asked me, “If you could do anything in the world you wanted to do, what would you do?” I told him I would start a substance abuse clinic where people could receive needed treatment irrespective of their ability to pay. My husband then said, “I’ve accomplished my own goals, now I am going to make your dream come true for you”¦”
Con artists know when they get your dreams they get you. They then simply do the Bait and Switch Game. You see, they bait you with your dream then switch to something else. They do the switch slowly and subtly over time. Psychologically, the victim doesn’t want to see the switch because then he/she would have to give up on the dream.
By far the most painful, difficult aspect of healing for me has been the fact that my dream (which was basically altruistic) was used to hurt me. Many victims just want a stable, happy family for their children. When these motives, which come from goodness, are used for evil, the effect is particularly damaging. I think that con artists do this damage intentionally, trying to actually murder by suicide. They are on such a power trip, they get enormous pleasure from destroying people. That is a subject for a later post.
So how do you get over having been conned? First don’t give up on your dreams. In my case, the dream changed. I realized that if I worked at it, I could prevent many more cases of mental illness or addiction than I could ever personally treat. Thus my dream transformed into something else.
Second, don’t give up yourself. Your dreams reflect important values and qualities you have. Even though it is very painful to have these used against you, it is even more painful to lose yourself. Don’t let the con artist take any more from you than he/she already has.
Lastly, have the courage to keep working on your vulnerabilities. If depression made you vulnerable, stay in treatment. If loss and loneliness made you vulnerable, work to find more healthy outlets. Take good care of yourself, don’t abuse substances, be sure to exercise and eat right. Write down new goals for yourself and make a little progress in those goals every day. Lastly, give yourself positive messages about making progress and being the good person you are. If you are doing all these things be patient, better times are just ahead.
MT Victim?! I think I know who you are talking about. I met him another way, but he’s on match.com right now! This guy is good. Maybe we should talk. Does it start with cute emails signed xoxo love me? Does the first date take place at his house (so you can see it and go “wow” this guy is rich and has taste?) Is the first date dinner at Guidos. Drives in a ferrari? trips to Monteray? Cries about his kid and how he was taken away (he doesn’t pay child support!) plans to sell his house and you and he go retire at a beach house. talks of love and marriage and how he never met anyone like you…in a few dates? Meet his family immediatley and his friends (who are just props since he has no friends) sex at his parent’s house…gross. i could on and on but that is the script he works from that you are talking about. Oh yeah, and lambourghini shopping on ebay! LOL. I am afriad to put my email address here becuase of him. MT were his initials too. How can I contact you. I am in LA too. I know it’s the same guy. I can’t stand this. He’s already duping a new woman two weeks after the other one left, just like the one before that and before that. These guys get away with it over and over. I feel sorry for the new victim because she thinks she’s found this great, sweet guy full of gifts…oh yeah, does he buy you gifts all the time but they come with a big price…stop me. I feel so happy to know I am not alone. I talked to some of his ex’s (who he keeps in the bg as supply) and they hate him but were emotionally destroyed. I know I was. Nothing feels real. How can someone be so cruel. He is in it for sport. Let’s see how quickly I can make a new woman fall for me. Get her hopes up, make all these promises for our future together and then when she is all excited, all in love, feels safe…I will turn into that monster and poke holes into her, isolate her, control her and then discard her…well, she’lll run away, but I’ll make sure i treat her badly enough so she will. No one knows about how I feel because it all happens while you are with them, no one on the outside understands. I hope we can talk…somehow. Funny, how we both wound up here on love fraud trying to make sense of the horror of MT.
This site has been so helpful to me. I was on the floor praying and crying one night, asking God ” what kind of person is this, what is this man, the DEVIL? That’s when the word pathilogical liar was put into my mind by God. I went to the computer and plugged it in, thats when your site came up. It sent chills down my spine to realize that I was dealing with a sociopath, and what that means. Im sure you have saved my life and my sanity. Thank You for allowing God to use you. I dont know why I had to go through this pain ,but maybe you did so that you could help others like me.
Thank You
docskid5
I have been obsessed with this site from the moment I found it. I have read many blogs and one question still keeps coming to mind: What about the children of sociopaths?
How do we get over having a parent who is a socio/psychopath? I still don’t have an answer.
In my case, my mother has taken my childhood-something I will never get back but how do I stop her from taking away my adulthood as well? My relationship with her was never a choice. I didn’t fall in love with her. I was dealt the hand I was dealt. It is just unfortunate for me that she started playing with less than a full deck and her hand holds all the aces.
I have not had contact with her in years and yet every time I see a mother and child I am so green with envy that I don’t know what to do. Sometimes in the middle of the night I wake myself up with my own screams. I can’t count how many times I have woken up with my pillow wet and tears streaming down my face. I cry because who am I? My childhood was filled with so many lies that I don’t even know who I am. What did I do to deserve this? All I know is that on the outside I put forth an image of strength, of unshakeableness but inside there is so much pain and so much turmoil that I don’t know if I am coming or going and still the nightmares continue.
I never asked to be born. Futhermore I never asked to be born to a mother who was sick. What I do ask for is salvation. To this date salvation eludes me. I try to not think about it and at times it works but then I close my eyes and it all returns. I can’t run and hide and time seems more an enemy than a help for me.
I have been told that maybe I need to talk to someone. A therapist. Maybe I need drugs. My answer is NO! No drugs…I am not the one who is sick…she is. I can do this without medication. I can do this without someone sitting in judgement of me labeling me as “manic” or “depressed.” All that I really need is some guidance and someone to tell me I am not crazy. I don’t hurt anyone not even myself-not physically anyway. I don’t lie, cheat and steal. I am a good person born to a very sick person. Why should I become dependant on anything? On anyone? I depend on me and with a little bit of help I can figure this out on my own.
It would be nice if there could be a blog posted specifically for children of these people. Teach us how to get over these feelings. Teach us what we need to know to have some sort of a “normal” life. Please teach us how to move on and find happiness. Lord knows I am only so strong but I am strong enough to admit that I can use some help too.
ThereIsHope:
Thank you very much for all of your thoughtful comments. Although your experience of a sociopath was different from those of us who married them, I think the recovery method may be the same–allow yourself to feel your pain. You have to go through the pain to be free of it.
Cry your eyes out. Yell. Pound pillows. This is not pretty, and I suggest you do it either alone or with an understanding therapist.
For more information, read “Facing the Fire.” There is a link to it on the Recommended Links page of Lovefraud.com.
Thank you Ms. Anderson, I appreciate the direction.
Ok so here is my story, I have be reading a lot of these blogs and stories and doing some research on sociopaths and I think my ex is one. The problem is we have a child together. It started way back when I was in college and I lived with his sister he was in a long term relationship and came into the bar that I worked one night. He asked for my phone number and that was it. It was like a whirlwind. I didn’t really find him attractive but he was charming and persistent. He was my first love, my first partner my first everything. I was flattered. Not soon after being with him for 3 months I learned that I was pregnant. I didn’t know what to do. I thought I have to abort this baby, I have to finish school, I just turned 21 I don’t know how to take care of a kid? He convinced me to keep it because he had friends who went through the same thing and aborting the child destroyed the relationship. So then we decided we would be together so we may as well get married. So two months later we were married. We then looked for a place to live, in the meantime I was still bartending in which he made me quit, over time I had isolated myself from friends, family. I felt ugly and fat. On top of that I didn’t have any credit until I met this man and all of a sudden we started opening up credit cards left and right. We soon had a baby who was the most adorable kid I could ever meet but I soon found that I was the one who was going to take care of him. During the course of my pregnancy and after the child was born, my husband at the time loved to drink. He would go out every night and drink and then drive. We were low on money I was trying to finish school and finally after about two years I had had enough. I found that he was seeing someone else. I packed some of my stuff and drove down to be with my dad. Took my son in the middle of the night and left. This would be my first attempt to leave. During this time, harsh words were said. I got help, and tried to get my life back on track. He moved to another state where after about 6 months he emailed me and asked that I move down with him and try to work things out. I thought maybe things will be different maybe he really has changed. so I left, the good job I acquired , all of my family and the safe haven I was accustomed to. It wasn’t until about 6 months that I realized the same thing was happening and I left a second time. But I stayed in the state I had moved too. I filed for divorce hoping the abuse would end. He at the time was seeing someone else but after this ended we started sleeping with each other off and on for about 2 years. It’s been about 6 months since I last was with him and during this time I have gotten my self together but of course my son is having problems in school and his father is giving me a hard time. Up to this point, he was living the high life, only to lose his 400k house, brand new jeep, and of course received two DUI’s in a 4 year period. He has a new girl in his life who is young. I am sure she is very nice but I have yet to meet here. I asked and was told that I am not allowed. I have recently hired a lawyer to revisit our custody agreement and visitation. I am scared and terrified of the process again because he makes all of these threats and of course his family has lots of money. I am sure his parents have no idea what’s going on. He just asks for payment and they give it to him. So he will be financially secure through the process. I am in the process of learning to let go but can’t help but be jealous of the new girl. Most importantly though I am seriously concerned for my son.
Murder by Suicide!!
This is exactly what these people want. I met him during my teens and we were friends. About a year ago and having my dream ruined he showed up. My dream of having a family almost ruined me. I had a been a year alone with my son and yep was vulnerable I trusted him and let him in I figured if he was such a great friend well he would be a great love! HA!!
I was in the process of getting my own home and my kid and I were excited about it I was also happy cause well I would have my dream…a family ( raised in a very dysfunctional home). During the course he got hostile with my 3 year old and since I had no place to live ( I had rented out my apartment to qualify for the home) I was staying at his dads place with him. I let my kid stay with his father until I bought the house I was not going to allow this person to scream and belittle my kid and his dad and I had great communication, big mistake!!
I went to 3 different buying options fist house its roof leaked, second, he did no like it cause his kids would not have their own room (note he had a abondonemet divorce thingy, found out later) the third house well he loved it and so did I it was pricey though but he promised to give me half of the closing costs and pay half the mortgage NOT!! He NEVER did this once.
I moved and brought back my kid and he again became hostile and came to a point to treat him wrong so again I sent him back and got him some therapy…yes I am aware I sound stupid, but keep in mind he was my long life friend and something had to be wrong with him.
After a few months he had calls of this ex girlfriend and I questiones him about it nad that resulted in me getting my head banged against the wall, choked, punched twice and screamed franatically at me ” Dont you dare accuse me with out evidence!!!” That was a big wake up call that this was not good. The day after while I was taking a bath he got in the shower and carresed my chest with a pointy knife…then he sat in bed for hours with the knife staring at me.
I freaked out but I had no place to go and knew he would just not leave. A month later the bill came in and there it was 72 calls made to this woman. I took the bill questioned him and with evidence he told me lets go to the police station and claim some ” stalking thing against her” it did not make sense cause as I told him he was the one making the calls yet I went after he had gone first I showed up a few minutes ago.
At the police sation he did not even looked at me but I just sat there waiting. I called up some friends of mine and the showed up. When the judge came we went inside and the judge looked and looked at me I felt uneasy but did not suspect a thing. Right there him by my side she ( the judge) tells me if I knew why we were here and I said yes…then I asked why?? Well she told me: “This gentleman is filing a 408 against you ( I live in a US territory) Do you know what that is?? I certainly didnt and she told me…well its a resource used to lock up people mentally ill and is not let out for about 3 days or so untill a psychiatrist comes up to evaluate you and claim you are sound. I was shocked I was set up and If I reacted like it would of have been normal I would have proved his case and would have been locked up….it was Dec. 30 in other words I was goin to miss New Years eve with my son!!
He had used this minor depression and used it against me!! I could not beleive it. I had to use witnesses and all sorts of testimonies and then was set free. He came crying and told me and my friends that he was doing it for my own good and some other BS like that.
I forgave him cause I had done so much suffering to him, yeah right besides I was pregnant. Through my pregnancy I made friends with a co worker and confided in her. I am not much of a trusting person but I saw her in my own situation with her husband I felt related in that sense. BIG MISTAKE!!
She then turned into his confident and told him EVERYTHING!! They would pretend not to know each other and all that time they had fun playin behind my back…sweet huh?!
I moved and left the house wih my new born and left to an apartment I had rented to a relative when I finally got there and moved investing about $600 the relative broke our agreement and kicked me out and sent back everything to my old house, what happened? I can only guess! Yes he had to do with it!
Again I was back to zero. He used my protection of my son against me and slandered that I had abandoned my son and so on, he started twisting the truth and its shoking to see just how people buy all of his BS even when presented with the evidence. You might say why not just go to the police…well I had 2 things against me:
#1 Jurisdiction…he was an or still is a police agent and here right now there have been many cases of make up cases…hmmm not surprised. He is friends with all of these people.
#2 Credibility….its his word against mine and his is much more important I guess.
Then something awfull happened my relative and him were on it together..yep! I had 2 choices or break down or fight! I chose fight, even if it kills me. I set them both up and there was the truth I called in the police after another violent attack and from another phone called the police a new cop was attending my case and My kids were there and children were involved they had no choice but to take it seriously and he was asked to leave! Needless to say he has taken a war against me called child protective services, taken me to court AGAIN trying to claim insanity, smears and slanders me, uses comon friends just to ….whatever.
The truth is that the only way to beat these people is to think like them or commit murder by suicide.
I am having such a very difficult time. My ex of 5 years (abuser) terrorized me each time I tried to get away from him last year. Unfortunately, we live in the same complex and the verbal, mental and emotional abuse continues. He cheated on me for 5 months and then moved her in. Every time I see them two together, I get sick to my stomach. I isolate in my depressing apartment usually under the covers and I do not want to come out. I missed most of the summer. I hate him for all he did to me and I don’t like her either. She is just as nasty as he is and she is also a liar. Most times, I am severely depressed and started drinking again, which makes the depression worse. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in heaven. Help. Thank you.
Dear Alicia,
Welcome to LoveFraud, I know you are in pain, but I am glad you have come to this healing place.
Keep on reading, go back through the archived articles and READ AND READ AND READ and READ SOME MORE….this will hellp educate you about them, but more importantly, educate you about yourself, and help you HEAL the wound that he/she/they have given you.
You are NOT alone, not even under the covers, there are others here who DO understand because we have been there under the covers, isolated too, wounded too, and KNOWLEDGE IS POWER, take back your power to live, live a GOOD life. He cannot take your happiness unless you allow him to continue to.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU REALIZE!!! Put down the bottle, it will only make it worse (as you already stated) and come here to LoveFraud, where you will be validated, and where you will have empathy and support! LoveFraud saved my sanity and there is LIFE AT THE END OF THIS TUNNEL, a GOOD LIFE!!! Believe that and hang on to taht! I promise you if you do, it will get better! ((((hugs)))) and God bless you!
Alicia, please please please don’t just go to sleep…It will get better, I promise. Try to take it one day at a time, focus each day on coming here and reading. Reach out and talk to the wise people here. It’s GOOD you asked for help. Have you seen a professional about your depression? There are many medications that can help. I would advise you to leave the alcohol alone, but you sound as if you already know that’s what you need to do. Working the twelve steps is an enormous relief for me, but may not be appropriate for you. Tha’s something you need to decide for yourself but you might look into it. Those steps can be applied to any area of your life that seems out of control, notjust alcohol.
I’m so sorry you are hurting so bad, but I’m very glad you let us know so that we can be here to support you.
Also, remember that He is probably enjoying the hurt and chaos he is causing you, it makes him feel powerful and in control. Do your best to spite him by getting over him. You owe that to yourself! Remeber, ” the best revenge is living well.” Can’t remember who said it, but I’ll find out. God bless you, and you are in my prayers.