Con artists are a special category of sociopaths. In fact, most if not all are also psychopaths. If you were tricked by a con artist, I would say you are in good company, since all three of the authors on this blog were also fooled by con artists! This week one of our readers posted her story as a comment to ASK DR. LEEDOM: FAQ #1 “Why is this so hard for us mentally?” Her post illustrates many of the important characteristics of a con:
In 1998 I was ripped off by a con artist, whom I met through a personal ad. I was going through a very serious depression at the time, and that’s when I met him. He seemed like a breath of fresh air, very intelligent, different than other men I had met. He seemed very supportive of me, and what I was going through with my depression.
He asked me “what are your goals”. I realize now, that this is how he tricked me – into believing that he was going to help me achieve a few things—I said I wanted to move into a home – he helped me find a home – but guess who was paying the high rent of the home??? ME. Once I moved in with him, he had COMPLETE control of me, and was using my credit. He convinced me to order a variety of credit cards, and buy all types of things for this home that we were living in, stating that he had money invested in the stock market that would take care of it all.
When I look back on it now, I realize how stupid I was, but at the time, I was going through a very serious depression, was not thinking clearly, and allowed this jerk to manipulate me. He would go into these screaming rages, and this is one of the ways he controlled and intimidated me into doing what he wanted.
We were only together for six months, because when the money ran out, he was gone. While I was out of town, he took off, and moved a lot of the possessions (which I paid for) out of the house.
I had to declare bankruptcy, my good credit was ruined, and I lost an apartment that I had paid for – as he convinced me to take out a mortgage on my apartment & he would invest the money for me, and I would get an excellent return on the money.
I was too devastated to pursue the guy in a civil law suit, and am trying to move on with my life – this happened almost 9 years ago, but still remains fresh in my memory as though it were only yesterday.
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist??
The first thing to notice is that con artists target vulnerable people they meet in settings like ads or the internet. In my case, I was a single mother who was still healing from the loss of a relationship, and I met him through the internet. Depression, anxiety and losses make people vulnerable.
The second thing to notice is that con artists sense what lovers are looking for and pretend to be that person. In particular, they pretend to be emotionally intelligent and caring. They are also charming and fun to be with. The fun part serves to relieve sadness in a person suffering from depression or getting over a loss.
The third and most important thing to notice is that con artists play upon our dreams. I had an experience identical to this woman’s. One day shortly after our marriage my husband asked me, “If you could do anything in the world you wanted to do, what would you do?” I told him I would start a substance abuse clinic where people could receive needed treatment irrespective of their ability to pay. My husband then said, “I’ve accomplished my own goals, now I am going to make your dream come true for you”¦”
Con artists know when they get your dreams they get you. They then simply do the Bait and Switch Game. You see, they bait you with your dream then switch to something else. They do the switch slowly and subtly over time. Psychologically, the victim doesn’t want to see the switch because then he/she would have to give up on the dream.
By far the most painful, difficult aspect of healing for me has been the fact that my dream (which was basically altruistic) was used to hurt me. Many victims just want a stable, happy family for their children. When these motives, which come from goodness, are used for evil, the effect is particularly damaging. I think that con artists do this damage intentionally, trying to actually murder by suicide. They are on such a power trip, they get enormous pleasure from destroying people. That is a subject for a later post.
So how do you get over having been conned? First don’t give up on your dreams. In my case, the dream changed. I realized that if I worked at it, I could prevent many more cases of mental illness or addiction than I could ever personally treat. Thus my dream transformed into something else.
Second, don’t give up yourself. Your dreams reflect important values and qualities you have. Even though it is very painful to have these used against you, it is even more painful to lose yourself. Don’t let the con artist take any more from you than he/she already has.
Lastly, have the courage to keep working on your vulnerabilities. If depression made you vulnerable, stay in treatment. If loss and loneliness made you vulnerable, work to find more healthy outlets. Take good care of yourself, don’t abuse substances, be sure to exercise and eat right. Write down new goals for yourself and make a little progress in those goals every day. Lastly, give yourself positive messages about making progress and being the good person you are. If you are doing all these things be patient, better times are just ahead.
Alicia, I’m new to LF, I’m hurting and in a lot of pain, I now realize that I was con by a sociopath that played the love game to a T. This site is really helping me get through this I read all day everyday an it do help so, read, stay strong and the peps here are very very supportive they been there.
Alicia,
My con-game ended last may AFTER 25 YEARS!!
I want you to stop, look at your life and say: “Thank God it didn’t take me 25 YEARS to get rid of him!! That’s a prison sentence!”
LoveFraud has been my day to day life line. It’s what keeps me from laying down and dying.
But READING lots and lots of books is what gives me long term hope.
Go to your library and look up “narcissism”. Hopefully all the books won’t be checked out, because it seems tons and tons of people are going through the exact same thing as we are. If you can find “Why is it always about you?” or “The sociopath next door” you will be on your way to a WHOLE NEW LIFE. But there are lots of other books on this. READ, READ, READ. This is important information.
Congratulations, you’ve graduated from ignorance to knowledge, soon you will be armed with information that will keep you from feeling this way ever again.
Alicia – I remember that feeling of going to sleep and not wanting to wake up – I remember it well. My life was like that for TEN years while with him. An earlier poster wrote they are aiming for us to commit suicide and I think there may be some truth to that.
Alicia I want you to make a list – a list of all the low down shi**y things he did to you while with him and while apart – write fast and don’t stop to think till you have filled at least a page or two. Try to connect with your anger while you’re doing it and let it fill your body.
At the moment in wanting to sleep forever you are turning your anger against yourself when it is HIM who rightly deserves your anger – not you. You did nothing wrong. I made a list and cried through making most of it then about two thirds of the way through I got so damned angry at him and thought :How Dare He? How dare he treat me in that manner? Who the hell does he think he is?!
You will probably sleep a bit more in the first stages of coming to grips with all this – it’s the body’s way of healing from the damage. Just try to be as gentle with yourself as you would be if your friend was going through this – have baths, eat healthy foods you like, read uplifting books and listen to beautiful music. The future is bright and beautiful for you but you can’t see it at the moment.
Is there any way you can move out of the complex to get some distance between you? Even if you need family help to do this, it will assist in your healing as you won’t need to see them all the time. Distance really does help even though I know you are hurting now. Mine didn’t leave that long ago (few weeks) but already I feel lots better not being around his poison.
Luv – sorry you are here and hope you are slowly coming to terms with the damage done to you. It is not fair that good people are targetted but it seems that is usually how it is. If either of you have access to $15 I thoroughly recommend you download the ebook Women who Love Psychopaths by Sandra Brown with Dr Liane Leedom (Dr Leedom is one of the expert posters here).
Reading the book allowed me to understand in detail how the relationship got so toxic and how I got trapped there. It also spells out very clearly the incredibly good and beautiful aspects of women who get stuck with these assholes. It was a healing experience to read it and realise there is nothing wrong with us – it’s them who are sick. We have so much to offer the world and a person who deserves us. You can download it from here or you may be able to buy from the Lovefraud site
http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/category/products-and-services/e-books
I can’t recommend it highly enough – it will set your mind at ease on many questions that run through your head constantly – could I have done anything differently? Why me? Why did I get stuck there? Why am I so depressed at the end of this relationship? There is a 40% discount on it at the moment … I bought a prepay credit card just so I could read it!
I look back at some of the earlier posts on this thread and WHERE ARE THOSE PEOPLE?
What happened? What is the REST of the story? Did they go back? Did they move on in pain?
Probably I will never have closure on this subject, many come and post their pain for a while and then “disappear” into cyber space, but I can still pray for them, send cosmic caring to them.
Polly, I think it is so great that you are going back adn reading these old posts, I wish everyone here would go back and read or reread every article here, there is so much wisdom here on this site.
maybe even if we ahve read all of them before, maybe there is something in a particular article we weren’t ready to receive as truth at that time, but now we are.
KNOWLEGE=POWER and we need to learn about ourselves, and to chink the cracks in our souls so that we never again fall victim to another P-attack! VICTOR not victim!!! TOWANDA!!!
I am learning as much as I can Oxy – my life has turned in a direction I wasn;t expecting and I guess I am interested in this from an educational / support perspective. So many people just don’t ‘get it’. Even my mother who witnessed many of his awful behaviours first hand dismisses my need to know about psychopathy. I wish I had met someone while I was in Hell who really understood what I was going through.
I don’t know what will become of all this learning and insight – I am open to it. I have written the guts of a book (true it would need HEAPS of editing!), have started plotting out a documentary and am thinking about how to express these traits creatively in many ways. I’m also open to possibly changing career tack at this point. I know there are potentially thousands of others out there suffering as I was in false hope. Whilst I couldn’t be a psychologist or counsellor without a lot of training, I could look at being a kind of coach for others. I don’t know where it is all leading at the moment but am staying open for signs. II need to do lots more work on myself first of course!
I feel so much stronger now than before. I recall the first few times I read here. I was struck by the empathy but utter professional approach of the posters – they really seek to explain in rational terms what we all have suffered and show great love for people reading in the way they word what they say. That impresses me – there is also a toughness here – tough love in detaching from the poison. The more I can learn the better it will be for me in the future. The old posts are just as brilliant as the new ones and hold hidden gems for everyone.
I also wonder what happened to the people with unfamiliar names who posted so long ago – it would be wonderful if they shared updates with us from time to time. I assume they are well advanced in their healing. I read on another site that one of the chief indicators of healing is when you don’t need to visit the boards so often to read and post. I am reading and posting a lot but don’t take that to mean my healing is not progressing well even though I still feel stuck in many areas. I have a strong interest in the topic and feel I may have something to contribute down the track to help others and ultimately that is what my life is all about – helping others – I won’t be helping psychopaths in the future though!
I agree with you about getting new messages from articles we have already read – I read and re read current posts too and each time something new pops out at me. TOWANDA indeed! (I actually got that out last weekend and watched it again with new eyes lol)
Pollyanna:
I’m right there with ya girl!
My way of healing and going through the journey was/is to educate myself……and educate others…..
I joke….that….if you have met me….you have heard about sociopaths…..
Now I refer to them in ‘public’ as Cluster B’s…..hint, hint…..100% of the time I say ‘cluster B’ and peoples response is….WHATS THAT.
(They asked, so they listen intently!)
When I would say sociopath….sometimes I was heard, sometimes tuned out…..
So I learned the “HEAR ME” phrase….CLUSTER B Personality disorder.
I have spoken to judges, attorneys, medical professionals, DV advocates, survivors etc…….there IS a way we can make a difference and raise awareness…..
We will ALL find our niche.
I admire your tenacity and willingness to go the distance…..it’s definately an uphill battle……but with personal rewards abound….
Nothing better than a win – win situation.
Educating ourselves and getting ourselves out of the ‘mess’…..and helping others too!
I say….Pollyanna…..YOU GO GIRL!!!!!
Thanks EB!!! What a nice encouragement to read before bed. That is a great idea you have there – Cluster B’s sounds far more scientific than psychopath – which people tend to think you’re exaggerating 🙂 I will definitely try that. Yes I am tending to talk a lot about what I have learned too – it’s easy because it’s so on my mind.
Education makes all the difference – thanks to what I am learning here and other places I no longer feel trapped in that dark place. It’s an incredible gift to have all the elements of the relationship broken apart and explained so you can see how you ended up there and why this person was impossible to reach at any intimate level – they are not human.
I found an online book the other night from the 1890s called The Unfinished Man – intriguing to read about incidences of psychopathy / sociopathy in Victorian society. Due to the era there was very little emphasis on relationships but the author did find sociopaths unfit for parenting and had extreme concerns about them passing on their traits genetically. Most of the book focussed on justice issues and their impact on the community due to their lack of character. I quite like the term Unfinished Man 🙂
You have a great day / night EB – you give heaps of hope and encouragement to others here and it is muchly appreciated!
I’m just writing because I simply need help. I have lost everything that is me in this 3 year relationship with someone I loved so much. I try and try to get rid of him, but he always comes back. I know I am so lucky I have not married him and that it has only been 3 years. But I’m so sad all the time and depressed, and I used to be a happy, optimistic person. I cannot seem to move on with my life and seem I will be stuck here forever.
HeatherM,
The good news (and I know nothing seems good right now) is that you do have a choice. The bad news is that it isn’t easy.
If you are involved with an S/P/N they will keep coming back into your life as long as you are able to “supply” them with what they want.
The only way to get them out of your life is by going N/C (no contact) That means no phone calls, no emails, no texting, no face book, no my space, nothing. It also means not only not responding BUT also NOT reading their text, emails or listening to the phone messages they might have left.
The messages they leave are the “bait” they use to draw you back in.
So if you are serious about wanting the relationship to end, you do have a choice. You don’t have to stay stuck.
Read the articles here. They offer alot of information and hope. I hope you keep reading.
Simple…take all of the accumulated documentation: written and taped, both audio and video if you’ve got it as I do, and submit all of it to the police and the courts…end of story and merry Christmas to those who will be in prison where they belong…they do not pass go nor do they collect $200.00…