This week I received a letter from a woman asking, ”What is wrong with me, why would I feel bad and believe his twisted stories? I am really sick, aren’t I? I fell for him 2 times! After almost losing everything, including my life with the first one?”
I have answered this question before but the issues raised by these questions are so important that I’ll discuss them again.
The real question here is, what exactly is love? Love is the glue that binds us together as a social species. Without love, we would all live solitary lives, husbands and wives would not stay together, parents would not care for children and none of us would have any friends. Scientists have found that the social glue we call love has at lease four different ingredients.
Attachment is the first ingredient of love. Attachment is defined as a compulsion to seek proximity to a specific special other. Seeking proximity means trying to get near the other person, i.e., calling him/her on the phone, driving by his/her house, sending emails. A compulsion is something a person feels he has to do. It is an unconscious force that drives behavior. Typically, once a compulsion starts, it will produce a great deal of anxiety/fear until it is acted upon. For example, people with obsessive compulsive disorder, OCD, have urges to do things and will feel overwhelmingly anxious until they do what those urges tell them to do.
Having sex with someone, sharing emotional intimacy and time, create attachment. This attachment means a compulsion to be with that person. Typically, people with an underlying tendency to have anxiety have stronger attachments because they experience a compulsion to be near the other that causes anxiety until it is acted upon. People who already have anxiety, have anxiety on top of anxiety, and feel more compelled to give in to the compulsion.
Generally speaking, it is good to be unconsciously compelled to be near loved ones. These compulsions remind me not to get too busy to call my dear parents. They also remind me to keep track of my teenaged daughter, even though she is more independent now. Problems only arise when one has the compulsion to be with a person with sociopathic personality traits. There is nothing worse than a compulsion to be near a psychopath!
Sociopaths and psychopaths are con artists. They entice others to form attachments to them through deception and trickery. The problem is that our unconscious minds do not distinguish between attachments made after deception and those made legitimately. Furthermore, the anxiety psychopaths create in their victims only serves to strengthen attachment!
The woman who wrote me asked, “What is wrong with me, why would I feel bad and believe his twisted stories?” When a person is under the influence of a compulsion, he has to adjust his view of reality to fit that compulsion. For example, people who feel a compulsion to repeatedly wash their hands see germs everywhere. If we feel the compulsion to seek proximity to someone, we automatically believe that person is good. In these instances our beliefs are caused by our actions, not the other way around. We may think we love someone because he/she is beautiful, when in reality he/she is beautiful because we love them. (There is a song from the musical Cinderella, Do I love you because you’re wonderful or are you wonderful because I love you?).
What I have written explains why attachment/love is like addiction. Really, it is addiction that highjacks the attachment pathways in the brain. All this explanation is of little value unless it can help us deal with ourselves better. So the real problem is, what does a person do when he/she discovers a compulsion to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
It is very important to recognize the role that anxiety plays in compulsions. Combat anxiety and you combat compulsions. Start by not drinking alcohol and avoiding excessive caffeine. Alcohol temporarily relieves anxiety, but the anxiety intensifies when the alcohol wears off. Next, get enough sleep. Will power is required to fight a compulsion; lack of sleep impairs will power. Fight anxiety by exercising and cultivating quality friendships. At least, have a dog to take walks with! (Louise Gallagher’s dog has helped her to recover; she wrote about this in Dandelion Spirit.)
Many people who are fighting compulsions to maintain proximity to a sociopath/psychopath become so self-absorbed that they fail to honor important obligations to self, work, friends and family. This reaction only magnifies the attachment compulsion, because guilt only increases anxiety. Furthermore, neglect of children makes genetically predisposed behavior worse, and children who behave badly are a source of stress/anxiety.
To all of you who are parents, your relationships with your children can either hurt you or help you when it comes to recovery. If you focus on loving your child and spending quality time with him/her, your anxiety will go down for three reasons. First, if you are emotionally distant from your child, your own unconscious mind knows this and makes you anxious. Second, quality time with your child will make your child easier to live with over time. Third, real intimacy with your child will relieve your anxiety. This is healthy, not unhealthy, you and your child need each other, especially during times of stress. Intimacy is what family is all about.
I bring up this issue of our children because what I find is that many parents, especially mothers, become preoccupied with their relationship anxiety and withdraw from their kids. This response only makes them more anxious. It only serves to create a more dysfunctional family for the children.
We are challenged in life to do the right thing for ourselves and our families in spite of anxiety and compulsions. Start today to get well by seeking your own true well-being.
For more information, see:
Huytongirl:
this is not a challenge of you, but of the response the center gave you: who says they can’t stop him? is it written someplace that they have to let a stalker into a group? gracious, you’d think they’d have SOME RESPONSIBILITY to protect other group members. (bats eyelashes and winks)
(the moderators where the spath i knew hangs out, said,’ but why would anyone want to pretend to die??? OMG, I was talking to a celery stalk!)
I know that you may find it best to work on letting it go. That makes a lot of sense.
I also completely get wanting to ‘WIN.’ but i am starting to ask who notices and gives me the prize? what IS the prize? will it get 2009 back for me? will it help me to get back into life? maybe living well REALLY is the best revenge.
and wanting to ‘get’ her is my perception of a lack of power speaking.
I am grooving on Oxy’s potted plant treatment prescription – says YOU/ I HAVE THE POWER. I don’t know about you but that’s what i want back the most: MY FREAKIN’ POWER!
doesn’t mean I won’t use legal means to stop her in any way that i can – but I want the power within – not out ‘there’, and it won’t come from ‘getting’ her, but if i have it, then i can do what’s necessary, without needing to have a payback from it.
I AM A BIG MOOD SWING about this stuff – which is a good sign – means I AM FEELING AGAIN. Woohoo!
This article really connected with me. A way of understanding the anxiety which is pervasive from being disconnected from people I love either by distance, decision or circumstance.
Anxiety is becoming a strong undercurrent as the time passes. I can’t find relief. If I think about why and can’t figure out the answer it gets worse and if I just be, then I end up just being anxious.
I live far from many old friends who are very THERE if and when I reach out or go to visit. We’re all busy. We do the best we can. Its not that anyone is too busy. It may be true that my need is greater because of my situation and I do try to allow for it with friends and with family.
I am far from people I love. This adds up to a lot of privacy.
I’ve been having trouble figuring out why I was so anxious all the time. Over the weekend it was driving me crazy although I couldn’t talk about it. I was anxious to be in touch with my son and to hear back from a friend I’d written to. When I spoke to my friend a few days later, just hearing the sound of his voice on the phone was a great comfort.
Today, the anxiety over my son is nearly overwhelming. It is hard to connect with him because of circumstances but I keep trying – knowing that my anxiety level and his are probably very different.
A few weeks ago (like way back- Its been 5 months NC), this came over me and was nearly disabling because the undercurrent was so strong. When I got home, I found a letter from the SPATH and wondered if it might be true that somehow I was picking up on his energy being put into the connection and that it wasn’t me, but just the energy that I was channeling. Weird thought- but it occurred.
This article says no, its just me. And that makes me feel more grounded. Its not unusual to want to connect and that the need for physical contact is real too. I think a lot of common sense and practical thinking forgets these things because we admire culturally the independent, tough conquering warrior. That is our hero, heroine image. But, storybook character and real, human beings struggling with tough situations aren’t always like that.
Some of us aren’t true type A’s even if we learn about being a little more goal oriented from our SPATH experiences and under pressure we get very focused as we flip into subordinate personality type, we’re just not really like that and the archetype doesn’t fit.
Its not enough to channel the anxious into anger or toughness. It is far more fulfilling to connect or to reconnect with people we love. Quirks, warts and all. When we connect to who we love and who loves us, it all calms down a bit.
Dr. Leedom’s other article says be careful, anxiety can get worse over time as it grows into PSTD and that the answer is less carbs, more exercise and stress reduction. Good words. And the best of these I think is exercise. More endorphins, more air, more calories burned.
So far all of us who are, or have been anxious, the answer to go fly a kite is really much wiser than we might have considered on first pass…..
I’ll put it out there that there is very valuable information here in Dr. Leedom’s articles, that if you haven’t, might be worth reading and that if you haven’t in a long time, might be worth rereading.
Cheers!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGaTfGHELV4
Silvermoon, for me, personally, I have found that anxiety feeds anxiety. When I begin to obsess over something (large or small), it becomes a cycle of focus. The only way for me to break the cycle is to REfocus, and (for me) it has to be something completely disassociated with the obsession.
And, the association with the anxiety cycle and PSTD is very true – for me, at any rate. If I’m obsessing, the triggers are more sensitive.
Buttons….I couldn’t agree more! The rare times I feel anxiety…..it feeds itself. I gotta ‘shake’ it up and redirect….totally!
Like silver said….do something like fly a kite!
(cute video SIlver….).
I love kite flying…..we have a trainer kite for kite surfing….I HIGHLY RECOMEND those…..it’s a good workout too, believe it or not.
When the kids and I traveled (back in the days)…..we always packed a kite. We have picture of us flying a rugrats kite in the Tuiliaries in Paris. We got pulled off a dock flying the trainer kite in Belize….that was hilarious.
Not only is kite flying fun….it gets us out and we get to meet people interested in having a ‘go’ at it to.
Great anxiety releaser!!!
Silver…..Hugs your way aswell……shake it up girl…..I really enjoy your insightful posts!!!!!
holehearted,
each post i read is like another eureka moment. your post about when you speak to him you feel “normal” again was shocking. I can go longer and longer with each break but my oh my what a sense of relief when i get that fix of him again. Maybe the problem here is wholly mine, in fact at this stage it most definately is, because before this realisation it was innocence and ignorance now onwards its a conscious choice if enable or partake in any contact with him. Next step needs strength because no longer any get out clause……..think we should all stamp a health warning on the sociopaths forehead when we split.
BINGO-anxiety is exactly what got me into this mess
over 20 years ago. I was recently thinking about that fact. Back then I didn’t know that feeling in me was anxiety. I was 19
and feeling really anxious because for the first time I was left to live on my own. Plus, for a couple years before things had turned bad within my family of origin. I believe I have always been an anxious person but I had strong attachments with my family of origin and extended family. So,’I guess when that crumbled my anxiety reared it’s head, compelled me to be with someone. Along came my S, he was more then willing to “give”‘ me (really more like force) the attachment I needed. Looking back I can see how it was an upward spiral. He would calm my anxiety creating attachment, then he would create a sitituation to create aniety and then calm it (my anxiety). Years and years of him creating an ever increasing amount of anxiety by acting angrier and angrier. I got hugs. kisses. sex and gifts if I responded to his horrible behavior in a crazy manner. Looking back on our relationship I really was like a druggy trying to get a fix, he was both the drug dealer and the drug.
Dear Justus,
It is called the “trauma bond” and Dr. Patrick Carnes has written a book called “The Betrayal bond” which is a great book on how this works. You might want to check it out.
REcognizing this, that he is both the drug and the dealer is a great “ah ha” moment! Good for you!
Oxy-yes I have been thinking lately I need to get that book. I am so close to understanding all this craziness but I just feel like I lack a bit of information/knowledge to be able to accept what my life has been and move on. Recgonizing he is both the drug dealer and the drug IS a ah ha moment but it is hard to digest after all these years. However, when he does come around trying to push his drugs on me I now refuse to swallow them and that makes him really angry. I should say he acts like he is really angry. Then again, he always had a reason to act like he was angry, I guess the intent was, still is, to get me to take his drugs, ie control me.
Justus,
Control is the “name of the game” and anything that they have to do to get control over you is what they do….act nice, then act mean, angry,, blame placing, scape goating….it is never their fault, always yours….they create the pain, then put a band aid on it.
Stockholm Syndrome is another term for it–Google that and read about it and learn. No sense in me retyping it all here—but it is why slaves did not try to run away, and why people are “bonded” to the very people who abuse them. It takes a while to grasp all these things but you are making progress. We each progress at our own rate!
Ox-I will google Stockholm Sydrome, although I have heard of it I have not read about it. So much to unravel, so much to digest. Thank God for this site. I have stepped away from here a few times thinking, “they are wrong for giving advise that will tear apart my family.” As you see though, I keep coming back and get stronger each time. 🙂