By | March 10, 2007 173 Comments

ASK DR. LEEDOM: I don’t understand why I still care

One of our readers wrote the following, nearly everyone of us has expressed the same sentiments:

One phone conversation with him could go from loving words in the very begining to total ugliness toward the end and he would often get really mean and hang up on me. It was like he was Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde all rolled into one. You never knew what he was going to be like…

In spite of all this, I still love him and can’t stop thinking about him. I guess it’s just that I remember the good times and what a loving and caring man he could be when he wanted to. I know I am still grieving over this, because he still haunts me and I can’t seem to get him out of my system. And I know now that he’s not the man who I thought I fell in love with, but I am still having a really hard time with this. I don’t understand why I still care. I’ve tried to rationalize but it’s not working. You would think I would hate his guts after all he’s done to me.
Love is not something we can control

It is part of human nature to develop strong bonds of affection in connection with an intimate sexual relationship. These bonds involve activity in the parts of the brain that are outside of our conscious awareness. These bonds are also not easily subject to conscious control.

Since understanding is helpful, I want to review some of what is known about the behavioral neurochemistry of love. Some of this information comes from studies of animals who “bond.”

1. Intimacy produces bonding. Sexual intimacy especially produces bonding. There are hormones released during sex that go right to the bonding parts of the brain and turn them on. Since sex with a sociopath is often more intense, so is the bonding.

2. After some bonding is already established, fear and anxiety increase the bonding. This is responsible for the Stockholm Syndrome, a syndrome where victims feel bonded to attackers. Sociopaths know how to suck you in with intimacy and sex, then intensify the bond by creating fear and anxiety.

3. Although we cannot consciously undo the bond, we can consciously decide not to act on our feelings.

To carry out this conscious decision requires will-power, so read all you can about strengthening your will power. Briefly, will-power is like a muscle. It can become exhausted. It is weaker when we are tired, sick, malnourished or intoxicated. Stay away from alcohol, exercise and take care of yourself.

4. Fortunately, humans are designed to be serial monogamists. That means will be bonded for the life of the other, not for life. With time these bonds fade if the other is gone. That is because in the past people frequently outlived their partners. I can say for sure that time does heal this wound, provided depression and symptoms of PTSD are addressed.

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Thank you for this understanding and consise explanation of why we are still haunted by our sociopaths.

For myself, with this blog’s help and that of narissistic webpage, and after 10+ years of waiting and hoping that my sociopath would finally fulfill his promises, I am finally able to maintain the “no contact” rule. I broke it off many, many times, but always either he managed to pull me back into his web of “almost truths,” broken promises, what I realize now, fear and anxiety tactics, or my own need to try to find someway to heal him, help him, or FINALLY get him to understand and make something of all the time I had spent waiting and hoping.

Yet, still at times I find myself wishing that he would realize what and whom he lost, and my own White Knight fantasies that he will find me and we’ll be all that I thought we could have been together. However, I constantly remind myself that I was in love with an illusion. Admittedly, one that he helped me create, and that I choose to try to hold onto and believe in for many years, but the bottom line is that the man I fell in love so deeply with that first year or few months was an illusion. He was married, he lied in that although not legally married if he lived with her for 15 years that constitutes a common-law married, but his “half truths” were always like that and many of them took me a long time to find out the whole truth. So, the illusion was created in so many ways and it is that man that I fell in love with and its the only thing that keeps me from contacting him again when I am feeling low, the reminder that the man who answers the telephone is NOT the soulmate I thought he was, on the shadow.

Thanks everyone here for the help, reminders, and most especially the support!

tough cookie

It is hard to understand the concept that the person you fell in love with never really existed.

I too am fresh out of a relationship with a sociopath. We would talk occasionally but I can completely realte to the the sociopath change in character. What is that all about???

It certainly keeps you on your toes, like you walking on egg shells. One second everything is fine the next he flipping out.

I know I am better off. Although I have been hurt by this person I still love and care for them too. Maybe that’s why this is so hard because considering the circumstances of what’s been done to me I should hate his guts.

Reading this post was helpfull in understanding attachment.


I am so glad I found this site, it has helped me so much, my sociopath and I parted ways last weekend, I have a temporary restraining order as he was abusive and issued many threats. The article on How to know when you are dating a loser could have been written for me, also the sociopath check List I checked mark eighteen of the signs, the two I could not check were about his childhood, this man did nothing for me he used and abused me then decided he wanted to dump me and still wanted to run my household from his mother’s house, yes 46 years old and still living with his mother! The last week has been very difficult for me as I find myself thinking if only I had done this differently or that differently, I miss him I still love him and wish he would call, so what sense does that make?
Until reading the question Why do I still care? I am supposed to go to court on Monday to extend the order, I am reluctant to go firstly because if I see him I may crumble and secondly because I still love him.
I am trying to remain strong and keep telling myself he does not care about me, he would one minute say he doesn’t want to be with me and the next coming over or calling me I do not understand that part. I do not understand why I pine for him, I am a strong intelligent woman and know better am I crazy as well?

tough cookie


My sociopath also broke it off with me….He said our relationship had just gotten so bad and that he had a lot of problems and that it was therefore not going to work out.

I knew that he was ‘not the one’ for me. But I still wanted to hold on and I don’t know if I would of had the strength to cut it off on my own. I threatened to leave the relationship numberous times but he would always convince me to stick it out.

I think what bothered me the most was that he was the one would dumped me. Like you said you are intelligent and have many things going for you. I think being rejected by a loser was what really bugged me out. Maybe that is something that you are going through as well…

I still love my ex alot. I just can’t get over how ugly our relaitonship became.

Obviously in a fresh break up up have good and bad days. Just realize you are better off without this person in your life.


you are probably right, he is a total loser. I find myself wondering
is there something so wrong with me that I can’t even keep a loser? I must say though I feel a lot better today, I will be happy the day that I wake up and he is not the first thing on my mind and when i go to bed with out thinking about him, infact if I could just go a whole day without thinking about him at all I would be happy but I guess that will come in time.


It is tough going through any break up. I still have very strong feelings for my ex also. I really fell in love with her and I thought she had the same feelings for me. If you are a normal person you wish to find the good in people especially the one you fall in love with. You begin thinking it is just a misunderstanding between you and your spouse. I wanted it to be a misunderstanding so badly. I didn’t wish to think she was a bad person. I never have really associated with bad people.
A friend of told me I have to get “mad” at her to really let go of her. I really have not done this yet though she has been gone for over 7 months now. In my court battles with her I came out on top. Which I am thankful for. In divorces there is just degrees of losing no winners. There also no insurance for a broken heart.

And society really pushes the couple idea. Particularly for women. Even those of us who grew up in the 50s and 60s and 70s – having a partner was a GOAL and for many today still is.

The platitudes of “oh men are just like that!” or “she’s just having a rough time” lead us to also question ourselves.

To that end sometimes we blame ourselves and overlook things just to remain in a relationship that if we weren’t bonded or we were thinking straight – we’d be long out of.

Sociopaths wear so many different faces that your brain is a pretzel by the time you do figure it out – even then the PTSD can keep you locked in for a long time. Additionally, predators like this tend to “hunt the wounded” and the latter has a harder time pulling away from the relationship.


I have an eighteen year old son with a man that I think exhibits mild to moderate sociopathic behaviors. We saw each other off and on for about three years. I was very young and he was almost ten years older than I. In the beginning, I was very much in love with him, and thought he was the world. But, looking back on it, I think the inconsistencies, the lack of empathy, the coldness, wore the relationship down. I ended up pregnant, and he left the ‘relationship’ when I was half way through the pregnancy. We have had an incredible fight in court, and I was glad it was over in the end. He actually declined visitation, and it seemed that court was more about me, than our son. He was very angry and hostile, deceitful.

I married someone else eventually, and we have other children too. But for some reason, I have felt that something was missing from that time long ago, and continued to give my eldest son’s father the benefit of the doubt, that he would come around, that it was all a misunderstanding. Everything was about his dysfunctional family growing up; what I did to him because I got pregnant. Alot of victimization and no accountability for his own actions. He seemed to be stuck in a place almost twenty years ago, but I wasn’t. Except that I still cared about him, which was a problem.

Recently, my son has decided to seek his father out. They met about two weeks ago. All of this that I had shelved seemed to pour out. I’ve had a few discussions with the father, and wow! is all I can say. I was so naive, young, trusting. I really loved that guy. I think until that conversation recently, I really cared about him too. He didn’t care about me a bit. He had a justification for all of his actions, never apologized, it was all about him, and everything had to benefit him. He had no empathy, no remorse. He told me he never wanted to be a father, so he just wasn’t; never mind I wasn’t prepared to be a mother, but things happen in life and you deal with it. He told me about his drug use way back when too…I seriously wasn’t even aware of it going on at that level. All I can say is wow! I finally figured it out…I haven’t been grieving the loss of this person, the father, I’ve been grieving the loss of myself, my innocence. He took something from me. I had trusted him. Even twenty years later, he was still trying to manipulate me into pulling the outstanding child support from the district attorney’s office and to have it just be an agreement between he and I. I worry if I don’t do this, he will take it out on my son, but maybe he will treat my son badly anyways. I’m so glad that my son is eighteen, mature, otherwise this would be really hard on him to work through.

My son, who is well adjusted, intelligent, has told us that he would never leave a child behind, no matter what the situation with the mother. He doesn’t express any of the sociopathic behaviors, thank goodness. On the other hand, my son’s father doesn’t seem to be very sensitive to what he says to him. I worry about him interacting with his father, because his father has told me that he has trouble with commitments, expectations. He can never hold down a job for very long, and is flaky on the child support as it is. He claims to be victimized by the district attorney’s office too, because they have pulled his driver’s license, placed liens on his bank accounts, etc…He has never married and guess what? he’s involved with a very young lady. But his relationships never last very long. Eventually, the girl wants something more, and he just cannot do that. Of course, I worry about my son because his father views him as a pawn, although he has assured me that many things have changed in his life…I’m not so sure.

No *Love* Lost

I hope this is in the right category…and i don’t intend on stepping on ANY TOES with my thoughts..but i had to add my 2 cents…this after years of researching, therapy and revelations that took me out of a VERY SERIOUS Betrayal Bond i had to a sociopath…that i called CARE.

It took me a long time to emotionally disengage from a Sociopath because i thought it was about MUTUAL love and care, only realize it was unrequitted and ultimately forced to face the turth. i was Betrayal Bonded to him after years of deception, manipulation, and exploitation on his part….Who could honestly care about someone who is abusing them besides someone who has been absued in the past and has unresolved issues that have been recreated with false hope of chaniging thier own patterns and conditioned responses to abuse? Or someone who has become Trama Bonded to thier abuser is what i have come to learn. I had all of these “symptoms” while in denial about what LOVE actually was…it is NOT ABUSIVE, EXPLOITIVE, DECEPTIVE OR UNKIND and since that is really all Sociopaths have to offer thanks to thier own unresolved ATTACHMENT DISORDERS.That i consider to be at the CORE of Sociopathology…but i am FAR from qualified to make that is just a GUT FEELING that they are correlated…check out what i mean…

How can it have been about love considering the circumstances?

Sociopaths can’t love and loving an abuser is about trama bonds…so…caring? Whom is truly caring?

This is a GREAT BOOK to help understand,cope and hoepfully CHANGE how we as victims SEE LOVE,it helps bring understanding as to WHY WE STAYED TOO LONG…with an obviously disordered individual, and it gave me a new outlook on my own issues that helped lead me into more than one Sociopaths arms, and stay there as if it was the SAFEST place i had ever known, when it just wasn’t. let alone what allowed me to show him EMPATHY AND MERCY he never even deserved.

I was reacting to him in no less of an unhealthy way than he was towards me. I had to CHANGE and stop allowing myself to react in such a way that made me feel BRAINWASHED.I had to STOP CARING about him over myself.Stop letting him use my pity for him to protect him from himself and allow myself HEALTHY BOUNDARIES to keep me safe from this in the futrue.And i did…i am 3 years NC. The emotional scars remain, but the lessons do too! Can you be honest with yourself and ask which of the beloow holds some truth for why you think you still care about a Sociopath?

It was harsh to admit my reaction to him was a major part of my problem….i was a one on one “cult” member to a Sociopathic Professional Massage Therapist, and breakng free was even HARDER.Because i THOUGHT it was about love.It wasn’t.
I hope this helps open some eyes…

The Case for Traumatic Bonding: The Betrayal Bond
by Dr. Patrick Carnes ….The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships
Here are the signs that trauma bonds exist in your life:

When you obsess about people who have hurt you though they are long gone from your life (To obsess means to be preoccupied, fantasize about, and wonder about something/someone even though you do not want to.)

When you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain.

When you go “overboard” to help people who have been destructive to you.

When you continue to be a “team” member when obviously things are becoming destructive.

When you continue attempts to get people who are clearly using you to like you.

When you again and again trust people who have proved to be unreliable.

When you are unable to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships.

When you want to be understood by those who clearly do not care.

When you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away.

When you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen.

When you are loyal to people who have betrayed you.

When you are attached to untrustworthy people.

When you keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse.

When you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility.————————————————————————–

The person I was,who ALWAYS went back for more abuse,who was condtioned to tolerate abuse in the name of love from my early childhood on, was not emotionally healthy and i now know why.And am trying to find a happy medium when it comes to GIVE AND TAKE within relationships…that has helped me more than anything.

I felt so worthless my whole life…i only gave and never felt worthy of expecting more from love ….now i know i DESERVE LOVE! Not abuse.

When WE change how WE react to emotionally unavailable people, and stop trying to CHANGE THEM with love when they obvioulsy can’t even FEEL it….and change OURSELVES….the whole world changes for us.

I hate to say this..but it is NOT all about how rotten they are at the core…it is also about how we REACT to them.

I cared so much about his needs ,wants and expectations, I forgot about myself. That is not healthy~!

Oddly enough…he unwittingly taught me ALOT about my own limitations and flaws….even if he never changes…i can.


To No *Love* Lost:
Bravo for this entry. Yes, it’s not about what they did but how we reacted/tolerated it. Now I would walk away from anyone that was abusive and I wouldn’t care why they were acting abusive or try to understand where they were coming from. Now, it’s me first.


This essay has hit home for me. I can come to terms of why I don’t “care anymore” (so much) and why I DID still care for so long during the relationship and for quite awhile after the relationship with the P was over. As Dr. Leedom says “With time, these bonds fade if the other is gone”, and “…time does heal this wound.” I absolutely believe this to be true and a good reminder.

Ox Drover

I thought I had read every article on this site, but here is another one I some how missed, and it is definitely a great one too!

The sentence about “bonding for the life of the other” is an interesting take on NO CONTACT, which “simulates” the death of the “other”—and so it makes it so much easier to “let go” of the “relationship”—makes perfect sense!

WOW! another GREAT essay (article?) whatever you want to call it. LIGHT BULB MOMENT!


Some thoughts.. Oxy right on, that simulated death is a good thing, it causes grieving to begin and then healing.

Nolove.. yes.. trama-bonding.. great way to put it. I had an example of this just recently. The last victim of my ex-cheater bf was convinced that she deserved to be with him, that she loved him the most, because he had treated her the worst!!

I felt sympathetic and bit horrified, but also wanted to just shake her and say.. “ARE YOU CRAZY???”

Sophia, you speak for me as well. I have managed to compress my “thinking about him” time by going to bed early or for a nap when it gets too much. I lie there and let myself think about him, feel bad, sad, angry, often I cry, then I usually drift off, and wake up feeling some better, then I push him out of my mind by focusing on my kids, housework, anything.

What you said about “What’s wrong with me that I can’t even keep a loser?” This is a big problem for me, I date losers “on purpose” because deep inside I don’t have the confidence to date the winners. For one thing, I believe they need me, and I like being needed. For another thing, I believe they are too far “below” me to even think about leaving me, a theory which has been proved wrong too many times. Right now I am thinking about staying single indefinitely, and keeping my dates casual. I know that at the very least I will not move in with, marry, or get real serious with any man until my middle kids graduate. That way i can keep my home life sane no matter what happens in my love life.


So, i found out less than a week ago that my guy of 10+ years got another girl pregnant, lied for months about the infidelity, blah blah … and today he actually called me (from an unidentified number) and said, as though nothing had happened: “hey, I need you to rewrite my resume …” My jaw dropped. Was he kidding!?!?!? So I told him to go to his new girl’s house and HAVE HER WRITE IT! Then I hung up. Then I cried. Then I screamed. Then I wanted to impale him on a telephone pole. Where does the gall come from? Does he really think everything was okay? What the heck is this maniac thinking????!!!


lostingrief – He is thinking about himself – it is mind numbing that we can be on the floor in a fetal position because of what they did – and then they show up and start talking like nothing had changed except their address!!!!!!


Kat – I just love your butt nekkid honesty – you just described me in your above post…….

Ox Drover

Dear Lost:

He is right, nothing tragic did happen—TO HIM—so why should he be upset? It was all no big deal —TO HIM–and he can’t understand why you’d be so pissy as to not want to redo his resume! Sheesh! What kind of a B1tch are you anyway? You act like he was a monster or something. LOL

I’m not making fun of you dear, or your pain, but you are right they have GALL and BALLS to no end.

That’s why NO CONTACT is the ONLY option for these people, it gets the out of our heads our of our hearts and lets us start to think straight. I guess from now on you need to not answer any call that you don’t know the number. Iknow that’s a pain in the butt, but it’s either that or change your number to a new one. Changing is a big pain in the butt, but sometimes it is easier to just bite the bullet an do it. Good luck and ((((Hugs)))) BTW good for you for hanging up!


Heart’s are often broken When there are words unspoken In your soul there’s answer’s to your prayer’s If your searching for a place you know A familiar face somewhere to go You should look inside yourself Your half way there


Au Revoir Henry, dont stay away too long. If you feel it all gets too much, pop back here, or pop back to say hello. hugs xxx


TY Henry, I love your posts as well, they make me laugh and they make me think.

Lostingrief – you know what? How they act is not even about how they feel at all…these people know very well that their feelings are not compatible with society’s expectations.. their words are never indicators of what’s going on inside of them.

It’s like a post by someone else on this site said: They try to figure out always what “card” to play. He most likely doesn’t care about the resume much, he’s just gauging your reaction. In a couple of minutes he gathered: How angry you are with him, what exactly is pissing you off the most, checked the possibility of keeping you on the side to do favors for him, checked also what is probably one of your usual “buttons”, that is the button of “I need you”, and even got himself a little self-esteem boost because he has two women in love with him at the same time.. what an arse.. there aren’t words for the stuff they do…. but I’ll tell you right now, trying to figure out their thinking by what a normal person would think.. you could go nuts, and many have…their thinking has an entirely different basis, it’s like they don’t even live in the same world as we do.


Many thanks Dr Leedom- this gives a good explanation of why things get so messed up with them. You are dead right that the bond starts to fade when we are well away from them!


What is it about these people that makes us still love them? Even after they are gone they seem to have gotten into our DNA. Is it a unrequited love?Is that it? Never having the love from that person because they are incapable of giving it back? Maybe that is it. I know in my heart, mine will always be there in the recesses of my mind and heart even if I never see her again. But I must be strong. I must never tell her again what I feel for her because she would only see that as a weakness and an opening to use me again. I know that now..Thank God! I know that now!

lesson learned

Great article.



Yes…great article! My x would tell me in texts or on the much he loved me…then ten texts later…he was Mr.Hyde…..said…”Ok…I’m moving on…its over…why can’t you?” and he would hang up on me!! Of course, he would text me back the next day how much he loved me. LOL!



thanks for bumping this thread LL.


1. Intimacy produces bonding. Sexual intimacy especially produces bonding. There are hormones released during sex that go right to the bonding parts of the brain and turn them on. Since sex with a sociopath is often more intense, so is the bonding.

– okay, there was sex. phone sex. but more importantly, THERE WAS NON STOP LAUGHTER. The hormones released by laughter, happiness and joy ARE POTENT.

2. After some bonding is already established, fear and anxiety increase the bonding. This is responsible for the Stockholm Syndrome, a syndrome where victims feel bonded to attackers. Sociopaths know how to suck you in with intimacy and sex, then intensify the bond by creating fear and anxiety.

-Ahhh, ‘Stockholm Syndrome’ . Lying sack of shit evil c spath used to go on and on about the main character, aka the fake boy, having Stockholm Syndrome in relation to the ‘bad man’ he had lived with for many years. I AM SO ANGRY about all the BS manipulation this woman put me through. SHE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT SHE WAS DOING (TO ME.) She jerked me around ad naseum, creating fear and anxiety about the fake boy:
3 fake surgeries
imminent death
suicide attempts
frequent emotional breakdowns
dealings with predatory people
dealings with incestuous and predatory family
flying a ll over the world to get medical treatment
adding new characters to the the fake story who were predatory
adding one character in particualr who would later be the main force in destabilizing me
agreeing to meet – and pulling out at the last minute….
and on
and on
and on …………….


we now return you to your regular programming….



lesson learned

One LOL!!!!

Are you okay now,CHica?

I hope you feel better??? Your ex spath sounds like a REAL winner!! NOT!!!!!!!!!!!


one step is fine. 🙂

pressure relieved, spath reviled. 🙂


I have read somewhere that they always resurface. Well, my ex spath sent me an email on Friday. ” just wanted to say hello, haven’t heard from you in a while ”
He showed up at my house on Christmas day after having an argument with his new wife. The woman that he left me for.
My adrenaline was pumping when I saw the email from him. He still can get me worked up. I so badly want to reply, but I know now what is best for me “NO CONTACT” That is why I am back here on Lovefraud. I am scared what I might do. I can’t let him get to me. It has been 6 months since he showed up at my door. He had called me several times that evening and when I didn’t answer, he just showed up. I let him in…. I should have just let him stand in the cold and called the police. Ugh…. they do get a hold of the part of you that wants to believe that they are human. I read in this thread about how they don’t see they have done anything wrong when they contact us… so true…. and I was once on the floor in the fetal position because of him. Literally on more than one occasion.
I am here for moral support. I have been through so much in the past 3 years, divorce, job loss of 18 years, brain surgery, the spath breakup.. I have lost several people from my former support system because of the spath. I feel like I am all alone. I have a sister that has been a hugh support system for me. She is the one that told me about this site. Unfortunately, she is dealing with her own issues. We recently found out the she has breast cancer and she will also need a hystorectomy. I have not mentioned the email from my ex spath. She doesn’t need the extra stress for me and my problem, but now I feel that I don’t have anyone to talk to about my issue. I was going to therapy, but my therapist didnt believe that my ex was a sociopath. How can i talk to someone that doesn’t believe what I say… I’m the normal one… Im not the liar, the spath. I am lonely and scared. I feel at times that I will always be alone. I am terrified of that. One big reason to not have contact with my ex spath. He could take over so quickly. Please, help with any words of advice on how to stay strong.


sadme – stay strong my girl. it’s just another blip and you will victorious over it.

i am very sorry to hear about your sister. this must be very hard for you to have her life threatened by illness.

take care and be strong – and post!


being strong will move you forward…and remember you only have to do it one day at a time. you got yourself here tonight to reach out, so you have already won.

Sad me,
dump that therapist! Get a new one.
We believe you, we KNOW.

Your exspath is trying to feed. don’t give him any.
Mine came back too. At Christmas and just a month ago, after 3 years. That’s what they do.

It was tempting to say, “spath, you disgust me.” But I didn’t because he would have loved it. Any response is attention.

I gave him nothing because that is the power that I have over him. He wants SOMETHING and he gets nothing. Revel in your power, sad me.


hi sad me, did you delete the email? Delete the email!

Remember how amazing it felt when you went “No Contact”? You’ve been so strong for so long, don’t give in now, don’t give up now. Don’t respond. You are not alone.

Maybe post a comment here as if you were posting it to your sister? Tell us what you would tell her. We might not reply like your sister but we believe you, and we care, and in this way we are like your sister. Maybe in the process of writing, it will feel like you are talking to her. She might answer you in your own head, too. Take care, sad me.


I was happy to get time today to tell you guys. I ran into my ex idiot Saturday. He was at the new tractor supply opening. When I turned the corner and recognized that a$$ in those jeans, I literally stopped in my tracks. He was talking to someone and I walked over. I talked to his friend while he was chatting some older man up. He finally turned around when I mentioned I went roping last weekend. He said he didn’t realize it had been three months since we last spoke and he replied to the email I sent. I informed him I sent 3 emails and that he told my son he wasn’t going anywhere and now my son thinks he lied and is let down. He said he didn’t go anywhere he’s still right there at the same address. The crazy lady he let move in when he discarded me is now gone apparently she was stealing from him and he had to get his landlord involved to get her out. He buddy swears he’s been so busy with work that he has to drag him anywhere because he is so tired and works so much. I told him that I get the crazy lady was my replacement and that he was sleeping with her. He said no, but I don’t believe him honestly. I told him that if he wants me out of his life I get that after 3 months of not hearing from him, but I want my stuff from the apartment, my computer and if he doesn’t want to pay me the money he owes me I want his one horse that I love. I know I probably won’t see any of it and he probably won’t call me like he says he will. He says right now he doesn’t want anyone in his life. And that I know how busy his is in the summer with work. I told him thats bullsh*t and we made it work last summer. To which he replied barely. He said all women are crazy and I asked if I ever did anything crazy. No. Did I do anything but love him and have his back. No. Then don’t say all women are crazy cause I’m not.

You guys would have loved how his eyes bugged out and he rocked back on the heels of his boots when I said if you’re not gonna pay me back, I want Roy.

After that I wanted to puke, so I called the older man who my mom swears is my sugar daddy even though nothing is going on and he came over to my barn, gave me some pointers and took me to outback for dinner and talked to me about the ex. He says my ex wasn’t in it for anything but himself and he doesn’t know why men are like that. It was a nice night and I got to hang with lots of friends at the sorting after I rode.

Ox Drover

Dear SadMe,

You did great in going NC, and now you just have to keep it up. I know it is scary to feel like you are alone, but you are NOT alone.

Hang in there and keep on realizing that he is nothing but a FAKE.

I am with Sky, get a new therapist, because if they do not believe you, they can’t help you.

Ox Drover


While it may feel good to have one-upped him face to face, the most healing technique is NO CONTACT…trying to reason with them, to make them “see” is a losing proposition. Psychopaths are not going to see “reason” or to feel compassion for what they have done to someone else. Remorse is totally out of the ball park as well. So, Save your breath is my advice.


MDCowgirl, OxD is spot-on. You see, “No Contact” is a personal recognition and acceptance of one simple fact: a sociopath DOES NOT care, DID NOT care, and NEVER WILL care about the carnage that they generate. In fact, contact of any sort with spaths gives them a power/control rush that’s better than a long, drawn-out orgasm. Oh, yes, it surely does. Nothing is more intoxicating to a sociopath than the knowledge that they can still CONTROL.

They do not care. They do not care. They DO NOT care. They are incapable of feeling, on any level. His eyes “bugged out?” So what? What will really make his eyes bug out, his jaw drop, and his penis go limp is if you are able to walk past him without even recognizing him as a living organism. He has no more importance than a paperclip.

As for what you “want,” well… may be better for you to just let it all go – computer and all – unless you intend to go through a Civil Suit. And, we all know what THAT would mean: more contact, more discussions, more negotiations, and (most appealing to him) more CONTROL.

Brightest blessings


I understand where you are coming from and if I had not have seen him. I would not have contacted him. I was able to speak my peace and I feel like I have some sort of closure for me. I know the guy I fell in love with is dead for all intents and purposes. The thing inhabiting that body now is not anyone worth loving. And you are right when he turned around he acted like why would anything be wrong. It was incredible to see now after knowing what I know. Luckily, for me I know so many people that I double he will venture anywhere near where I am or friend of mine are as they would all like to have a not so nice word with him. I don’t plan to waste vacation time and money to file in small claims court. I know what I know and the best thing is to let it go. He cut me off as soon as I used my credit card once to pay for something as he didn’t want a paper trail I think. That’ s what landed him in jail with an ex girlfriend 3 years ago.


Truthspeak, That was an Awesome comment!!


MDCowgirl……atta girl. It’s just “things” that he has, now. “Things” can always be replaced or substitued.

I hope I NEVER see the exspath again, for the rest of my life. I think that just hearing the sound of his poisonous voice might just make me vomit. LOL


Sad me,

Turn away from that stinking email. Turn away. Put your attention back to yourself and ignore his pathetic plea for ‘supply’/drama/chaos.

They always resurface. And our bodies will respond with adrenalin and fear and anxiety. Because our bodies know the truth.

Take good care of your heart and soul,


Sadme, you want words and suggestions that will help you to remain strong? Two words: NO CONTACT. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, there’s closure. Yes, you can do this.

You can maintain NC because you can dig down into your mind and recollect what a rat-turd this guy is, right? There is NOTHING GOOD about this man. It’s not you – your heart/soul/persona – that he “cares” about. It’s about him snapping his fingers and laughing if you react like a trained animal. You have no more value to HIM than a used Kleenex, honey. All of the promises, endearments, and assurances were empty – as empty as my bank account! He DOES NOT CARE and he NEVER HAS.

Now, having typed out that cold, hard Truth, it is my fervent hope and belief that you will remember that you are a valuable, precious, and unique part of this Universe. You are NOT a sum total of what that pr*ck has determined you “should be.” You are stronger than he can even imagine in his empty little world. YOU MATTER. Who you are, who you will be, and what you accomplish for YOURSELF matters.

No contact. Hate him, for a little while, for what he did, what he’s trying to do, and what he’s going to do to the next victim. Once that hate gets white-hot, turn it around into positive energy – DO something that you have always wanted to try: bungee jumping; playing the piano; acting; writing; singing; bellydancing. Do it for YOU.

And, change your LoveFraud ID from “Sadme” into “GonnaMakeIt!”

Brightest healing blessings


Truthspeak, I just say WOW!!!!


Sad me:
Ok… We got this one :).
Some word of wisdom and a little advice…when we look at narcissism and the goal of ‘narcissistic supply’ it’s clear that ‘our’ Roles to these things is simply to provide ATTENTION, ADORATION, ENTERTAINMENT, EGO BOOSTING, etc. Plain and simple…
What ‘feels’ like a possible desire out of being missed by them is, in actuality, THEIR desire to see if they sill ‘have’ us in ANY WAY possibile. It’s a test…think if it as an attempt at ‘getting’ people on their ‘side’-the more people they have ‘possession’ of aka ‘control over’ the more the opportunity for what they WANT at any given time. They will extract whatever they can get from any source or multiple sources at the same time if need be. We are nothing but two dimensional characters and card board cut outs…
You will notice that IF u have contact and set boundaries, particularly regarding things that DIRECTLY violate YOU ( ex: my ex contacting me to see if I’d send a ‘video’ we made years ago after having broken up 1.5 years earlier. He was told ‘no’ and TRIED telling me I’m selfish, power hungry and controlling) there will be great wrath to pay. YOU will be made to look like YOU have issues and need help or be guilted seriously. Again, it’s a way of attempting to regain balance due to feeling and SENSING their control tactics no longer work.


One more thing…
PLEASE remember what is being presented to you by them is a GAME!!!! It’s fake, a con, a ploy…there are ALWAYS ulterior motives.


Wow! Thanks to all of you for your insight, comments, encouragement… it truly means so much to me right now.
One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time…. I have to remember that, to take it one day at a time with NO CONTACT. If I break it down that way, it seems manageable.
Some of you may remember me… back when I first found lovefraud. I was a mess. I have been doing so well. I kicked my ex spath out in Sept of 2010 and we got back together 3 times before he finally left me a note on my night stand stating that he was in love with another woman and he was going to marry her. He stole my car and I had to hunt him down to take him to court. He just finished (or should I say his new wife) paying me for the car. I lost my case against him for back child support that I paid for him. Yes, he got me to pay for his back child support and he emails me like this never happened. He showed up at my house on Christmas night as if I would be happy to see him. I am amazed at the gull he has.
I thank you all for your continued support on this website. Silly thing is, I actually thought to myself last week, how I haven’t been coming on this site the past couple months. But then again, i have been focusing on me, my daughter and my awesome business. I own a great little restaurant and my business partner and I are opening a pastry shop in the same small town. It is a great distraction from my ex spath and also has helped in dealing with my sister’s illness. Good news though. My sister’s doctor did a biopsy on another spot and it turned out not to be cancer. She is having her operation to remove the lump in her breast tomorrow. I will be there for moral support, just like she has been with me when I felt like I was dying because of the spath.
Thank you all so very much and I will continue to come back for more encouragement. I value all your posts more than words can express.


sadme – awesome on so many different levels! You’ve worked so hard and I’m so happy for you. Good news about your sister.

And yeah, you really need to change your name.



“He has no more importance than a paperclip”

Chortle 🙂


Strongawoman – chortling is great. Snorting is wonderful. Guffawing is CLEANSING! LOLOLOLOLOL


I sympathize with all the comments here.
I too was totally abandoned by my sociopathic girlfriend.
I was and I still am lost in a world of confusion.
There are so many thoughts and possible answers
floating through my head. And yes, the sex INCREASED to “bond” that I had with her almost 4 fold. I couldnt believe how much sleep i lost in the 2 months following the relationship. Thankfully, my sleep is improving but I am still left with her haunting image EVERY SINGLE DAY. I hate that she had the “power” by cutting me off. I feel so bad. But what can I do? And more importanty – what can all we as victims do? The answer is nothing. We cant change these sociopath predators. Nobody can. The only way to “move on” is to “cut our losses”. Thats all we can do.

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