One of our readers wrote the following, nearly everyone of us has expressed the same sentiments:
One phone conversation with him could go from loving words in the very begining to total ugliness toward the end and he would often get really mean and hang up on me. It was like he was Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde all rolled into one. You never knew what he was going to be like…
It is part of human nature to develop strong bonds of affection in connection with an intimate sexual relationship. These bonds involve activity in the parts of the brain that are outside of our conscious awareness. These bonds are also not easily subject to conscious control.
Since understanding is helpful, I want to review some of what is known about the behavioral neurochemistry of love. Some of this information comes from studies of animals who “bond.”
1. Intimacy produces bonding. Sexual intimacy especially produces bonding. There are hormones released during sex that go right to the bonding parts of the brain and turn them on. Since sex with a sociopath is often more intense, so is the bonding.
2. After some bonding is already established, fear and anxiety increase the bonding. This is responsible for the Stockholm Syndrome, a syndrome where victims feel bonded to attackers. Sociopaths know how to suck you in with intimacy and sex, then intensify the bond by creating fear and anxiety.
3. Although we cannot consciously undo the bond, we can consciously decide not to act on our feelings.
4. Fortunately, humans are designed to be serial monogamists. That means will be bonded for the life of the other, not for life. With time these bonds fade if the other is gone. That is because in the past people frequently outlived their partners. I can say for sure that time does heal this wound, provided depression and symptoms of PTSD are addressed.
Thank you for this understanding and consise explanation of why we are still haunted by our sociopaths.
For myself, with this blog’s help and that of narissistic webpage, and after 10+ years of waiting and hoping that my sociopath would finally fulfill his promises, I am finally able to maintain the “no contact” rule. I broke it off many, many times, but always either he managed to pull me back into his web of “almost truths,” broken promises, what I realize now, fear and anxiety tactics, or my own need to try to find someway to heal him, help him, or FINALLY get him to understand and make something of all the time I had spent waiting and hoping.
Yet, still at times I find myself wishing that he would realize what and whom he lost, and my own White Knight fantasies that he will find me and we’ll be all that I thought we could have been together. However, I constantly remind myself that I was in love with an illusion. Admittedly, one that he helped me create, and that I choose to try to hold onto and believe in for many years, but the bottom line is that the man I fell in love so deeply with that first year or few months was an illusion. He was married, he lied in that although not legally married if he lived with her for 15 years that constitutes a common-law married, but his “half truths” were always like that and many of them took me a long time to find out the whole truth. So, the illusion was created in so many ways and it is that man that I fell in love with and its the only thing that keeps me from contacting him again when I am feeling low, the reminder that the man who answers the telephone is NOT the soulmate I thought he was, on the shadow.
Thanks everyone here for the help, reminders, and most especially the support!
It is hard to understand the concept that the person you fell in love with never really existed.
I too am fresh out of a relationship with a sociopath. We would talk occasionally but I can completely realte to the the sociopath change in character. What is that all about???
It certainly keeps you on your toes, like you walking on egg shells. One second everything is fine the next he flipping out.
I know I am better off. Although I have been hurt by this person I still love and care for them too. Maybe that’s why this is so hard because considering the circumstances of what’s been done to me I should hate his guts.
Reading this post was helpfull in understanding attachment.
I am so glad I found this site, it has helped me so much, my sociopath and I parted ways last weekend, I have a temporary restraining order as he was abusive and issued many threats. The article on How to know when you are dating a loser could have been written for me, also the sociopath check List I checked mark eighteen of the signs, the two I could not check were about his childhood, this man did nothing for me he used and abused me then decided he wanted to dump me and still wanted to run my household from his mother’s house, yes 46 years old and still living with his mother! The last week has been very difficult for me as I find myself thinking if only I had done this differently or that differently, I miss him I still love him and wish he would call, so what sense does that make?
Until reading the question Why do I still care? I am supposed to go to court on Monday to extend the order, I am reluctant to go firstly because if I see him I may crumble and secondly because I still love him.
I am trying to remain strong and keep telling myself he does not care about me, he would one minute say he doesn’t want to be with me and the next coming over or calling me I do not understand that part. I do not understand why I pine for him, I am a strong intelligent woman and know better am I crazy as well?
Sophia,
My sociopath also broke it off with me….He said our relationship had just gotten so bad and that he had a lot of problems and that it was therefore not going to work out.
I knew that he was ‘not the one’ for me. But I still wanted to hold on and I don’t know if I would of had the strength to cut it off on my own. I threatened to leave the relationship numberous times but he would always convince me to stick it out.
I think what bothered me the most was that he was the one would dumped me. Like you said you are intelligent and have many things going for you. I think being rejected by a loser was what really bugged me out. Maybe that is something that you are going through as well…
I still love my ex alot. I just can’t get over how ugly our relaitonship became.
Obviously in a fresh break up up have good and bad days. Just realize you are better off without this person in your life.
you are probably right, he is a total loser. I find myself wondering
is there something so wrong with me that I can’t even keep a loser? I must say though I feel a lot better today, I will be happy the day that I wake up and he is not the first thing on my mind and when i go to bed with out thinking about him, infact if I could just go a whole day without thinking about him at all I would be happy but I guess that will come in time.
It is tough going through any break up. I still have very strong feelings for my ex also. I really fell in love with her and I thought she had the same feelings for me. If you are a normal person you wish to find the good in people especially the one you fall in love with. You begin thinking it is just a misunderstanding between you and your spouse. I wanted it to be a misunderstanding so badly. I didn’t wish to think she was a bad person. I never have really associated with bad people.
A friend of told me I have to get “mad” at her to really let go of her. I really have not done this yet though she has been gone for over 7 months now. In my court battles with her I came out on top. Which I am thankful for. In divorces there is just degrees of losing no winners. There also no insurance for a broken heart.
And society really pushes the couple idea. Particularly for women. Even those of us who grew up in the 50s and 60s and 70s – having a partner was a GOAL and for many today still is.
The platitudes of “oh men are just like that!” or “she’s just having a rough time” lead us to also question ourselves.
To that end sometimes we blame ourselves and overlook things just to remain in a relationship that if we weren’t bonded or we were thinking straight – we’d be long out of.
Sociopaths wear so many different faces that your brain is a pretzel by the time you do figure it out – even then the PTSD can keep you locked in for a long time. Additionally, predators like this tend to “hunt the wounded” and the latter has a harder time pulling away from the relationship.
I have an eighteen year old son with a man that I think exhibits mild to moderate sociopathic behaviors. We saw each other off and on for about three years. I was very young and he was almost ten years older than I. In the beginning, I was very much in love with him, and thought he was the world. But, looking back on it, I think the inconsistencies, the lack of empathy, the coldness, wore the relationship down. I ended up pregnant, and he left the ‘relationship’ when I was half way through the pregnancy. We have had an incredible fight in court, and I was glad it was over in the end. He actually declined visitation, and it seemed that court was more about me, than our son. He was very angry and hostile, deceitful.
I married someone else eventually, and we have other children too. But for some reason, I have felt that something was missing from that time long ago, and continued to give my eldest son’s father the benefit of the doubt, that he would come around, that it was all a misunderstanding. Everything was about his dysfunctional family growing up; what I did to him because I got pregnant. Alot of victimization and no accountability for his own actions. He seemed to be stuck in a place almost twenty years ago, but I wasn’t. Except that I still cared about him, which was a problem.
Recently, my son has decided to seek his father out. They met about two weeks ago. All of this that I had shelved seemed to pour out. I’ve had a few discussions with the father, and wow! is all I can say. I was so naive, young, trusting. I really loved that guy. I think until that conversation recently, I really cared about him too. He didn’t care about me a bit. He had a justification for all of his actions, never apologized, it was all about him, and everything had to benefit him. He had no empathy, no remorse. He told me he never wanted to be a father, so he just wasn’t; never mind I wasn’t prepared to be a mother, but things happen in life and you deal with it. He told me about his drug use way back when too…I seriously wasn’t even aware of it going on at that level. All I can say is wow! I finally figured it out…I haven’t been grieving the loss of this person, the father, I’ve been grieving the loss of myself, my innocence. He took something from me. I had trusted him. Even twenty years later, he was still trying to manipulate me into pulling the outstanding child support from the district attorney’s office and to have it just be an agreement between he and I. I worry if I don’t do this, he will take it out on my son, but maybe he will treat my son badly anyways. I’m so glad that my son is eighteen, mature, otherwise this would be really hard on him to work through.
My son, who is well adjusted, intelligent, has told us that he would never leave a child behind, no matter what the situation with the mother. He doesn’t express any of the sociopathic behaviors, thank goodness. On the other hand, my son’s father doesn’t seem to be very sensitive to what he says to him. I worry about him interacting with his father, because his father has told me that he has trouble with commitments, expectations. He can never hold down a job for very long, and is flaky on the child support as it is. He claims to be victimized by the district attorney’s office too, because they have pulled his driver’s license, placed liens on his bank accounts, etc…He has never married and guess what? he’s involved with a very young lady. But his relationships never last very long. Eventually, the girl wants something more, and he just cannot do that. Of course, I worry about my son because his father views him as a pawn, although he has assured me that many things have changed in his life…I’m not so sure.
I hope this is in the right category…and i don’t intend on stepping on ANY TOES with my thoughts..but i had to add my 2 cents…this after years of researching, therapy and revelations that took me out of a VERY SERIOUS Betrayal Bond i had to a sociopath…that i called CARE.
It took me a long time to emotionally disengage from a Sociopath because i thought it was about MUTUAL love and care, only realize it was unrequitted and ultimately forced to face the turth. i was Betrayal Bonded to him after years of deception, manipulation, and exploitation on his part….Who could honestly care about someone who is abusing them besides someone who has been absued in the past and has unresolved issues that have been recreated with false hope of chaniging thier own patterns and conditioned responses to abuse? Or someone who has become Trama Bonded to thier abuser is what i have come to learn. I had all of these “symptoms” while in denial about what LOVE actually was…it is NOT ABUSIVE, EXPLOITIVE, DECEPTIVE OR UNKIND and since that is really all Sociopaths have to offer thanks to thier own unresolved ATTACHMENT DISORDERS.That i consider to be at the CORE of Sociopathology…but i am FAR from qualified to make that leap..it is just a GUT FEELING that they are correlated…check out what i mean…
http://www.attachmentexperts.com/whatisattachment.html
http://www.focusas.com/Attachment.html
http://www.personalityresearch.org/papers/wood.html
How can it have been about love considering the circumstances?
Sociopaths can’t love and loving an abuser is about trama bonds…so…caring? Whom is truly caring?
This is a GREAT BOOK to help understand,cope and hoepfully CHANGE how we as victims SEE LOVE,it helps bring understanding as to WHY WE STAYED TOO LONG…with an obviously disordered individual, and it gave me a new outlook on my own issues that helped lead me into more than one Sociopaths arms, and stay there as if it was the SAFEST place i had ever known, when it just wasn’t. let alone what allowed me to show him EMPATHY AND MERCY he never even deserved.
I was reacting to him in no less of an unhealthy way than he was towards me. I had to CHANGE and stop allowing myself to react in such a way that made me feel BRAINWASHED.I had to STOP CARING about him over myself.Stop letting him use my pity for him to protect him from himself and allow myself HEALTHY BOUNDARIES to keep me safe from this in the futrue.And i did…i am 3 years NC. The emotional scars remain, but the lessons do too! Can you be honest with yourself and ask which of the beloow holds some truth for why you think you still care about a Sociopath?
It was harsh to admit my reaction to him was a major part of my problem….i was a one on one “cult” member to a Sociopathic Professional Massage Therapist, and breakng free was even HARDER.Because i THOUGHT it was about love.It wasn’t.
I hope this helps open some eyes…
The Case for Traumatic Bonding: The Betrayal Bond
by Dr. Patrick Carnes ….The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships
http://www.sexhelp.com/case.cfm
Here are the signs that trauma bonds exist in your life:
When you obsess about people who have hurt you though they are long gone from your life (To obsess means to be preoccupied, fantasize about, and wonder about something/someone even though you do not want to.)
When you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain.
When you go “overboard” to help people who have been destructive to you.
When you continue to be a “team” member when obviously things are becoming destructive.
When you continue attempts to get people who are clearly using you to like you.
When you again and again trust people who have proved to be unreliable.
When you are unable to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships.
When you want to be understood by those who clearly do not care.
When you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away.
When you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen.
When you are loyal to people who have betrayed you.
When you are attached to untrustworthy people.
When you keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse.
When you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility.————————————————————————–
The person I was,who ALWAYS went back for more abuse,who was condtioned to tolerate abuse in the name of love from my early childhood on, was not emotionally healthy and i now know why.And am trying to find a happy medium when it comes to GIVE AND TAKE within relationships…that has helped me more than anything.
I felt so worthless my whole life…i only gave and never felt worthy of expecting more from love ….now i know i DESERVE LOVE! Not abuse.
When WE change how WE react to emotionally unavailable people, and stop trying to CHANGE THEM with love when they obvioulsy can’t even FEEL it….and change OURSELVES….the whole world changes for us.
I hate to say this..but it is NOT all about how rotten they are at the core…it is also about how we REACT to them.
I cared so much about his needs ,wants and expectations, I forgot about myself. That is not healthy~!
Oddly enough…he unwittingly taught me ALOT about my own limitations and flaws….even if he never changes…i can.
To No *Love* Lost:
Bravo for this entry. Yes, it’s not about what they did but how we reacted/tolerated it. Now I would walk away from anyone that was abusive and I wouldn’t care why they were acting abusive or try to understand where they were coming from. Now, it’s me first.
Aloha…