One of our readers wrote the following, nearly everyone of us has expressed the same sentiments:
One phone conversation with him could go from loving words in the very begining to total ugliness toward the end and he would often get really mean and hang up on me. It was like he was Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde all rolled into one. You never knew what he was going to be like…
It is part of human nature to develop strong bonds of affection in connection with an intimate sexual relationship. These bonds involve activity in the parts of the brain that are outside of our conscious awareness. These bonds are also not easily subject to conscious control.
Since understanding is helpful, I want to review some of what is known about the behavioral neurochemistry of love. Some of this information comes from studies of animals who “bond.”
1. Intimacy produces bonding. Sexual intimacy especially produces bonding. There are hormones released during sex that go right to the bonding parts of the brain and turn them on. Since sex with a sociopath is often more intense, so is the bonding.
2. After some bonding is already established, fear and anxiety increase the bonding. This is responsible for the Stockholm Syndrome, a syndrome where victims feel bonded to attackers. Sociopaths know how to suck you in with intimacy and sex, then intensify the bond by creating fear and anxiety.
3. Although we cannot consciously undo the bond, we can consciously decide not to act on our feelings.
4. Fortunately, humans are designed to be serial monogamists. That means will be bonded for the life of the other, not for life. With time these bonds fade if the other is gone. That is because in the past people frequently outlived their partners. I can say for sure that time does heal this wound, provided depression and symptoms of PTSD are addressed.
truthspeak,
Well the hard truth of this is that women used to be subservient years ago in male/female relationships.
They were EXPECTED to obey their husbands. AND accept abuse as part of the package if that was the case in their marriage.
Remember that old saying….”well, you made your bed, now sleep in it” UGH!
I watched that 3 day series “Hatfields and McCoys” on the history channel last week….And when you watch these types of films that took place during the civil war and shortly after it is a real eye opener of what life was like back then for women.
A woman from that part of our history almost had to get married as she had no way to support herself. Most single women in small towns had no choices to be self supporting.
Or they become prostitutes at the local saloons to support themselves.
Things have changed but their are still religious and old family beliefs that are antiquated.
Problem is in our society now so many things are about money and power….People do not care about values and morals as they used to.
EVERYTHING is broken in our current society. The court system, the health system, the family unit, the workplace, on and on….
Kim, yes, he was a good man. The extra fingers had finger nails on them I was told and were complete but without bones. I have seen pictures of people whose extra fingers were operational, I don’t think his were. His mother had one extra finger. None of his sibs had any extra ones though.
He was a wonderful man…and could GENERALLY read people like a book…but he worshiped my egg donor. He was also a wonderful mentor to the students he taught. His students loved him. He took kids from the back woods and encouraged them to finish high school when no one in their family had, then go to college, kids who had no hope…yet he brought it out in them.
Once in college I was initiated into an honor society, and I wasn’t even going to go to the ceremony…but he insisted that I go, and he went with me. Egg donor didn’t go. It was years later that I realized just how much he cared for me.
Oxy, I am so glad you had your step-dad. He was your saving grace. They say that a lot of kids who are born into crazy, neglectful and abusive family envirnments will be okay, if they have ONE adult who cares for them and whom they can rely on to listen and beleive and protect them.
Witty, you make a very valid point about our broken society. Problem is, how do we fix it? where do we even start? Education is a first step in a lot of cases, but where do we get a voice large enough to inform the masses? Especially when media chooses to intentionally hide the truth or sensationalize it? Really wish I had an answer to these questions.
I read an article recently about a group of psychologists who theorize that most mental illness is caused by a single disorder. Psychopathy. In terms that the disordered individual causes most of the mental illnesses found in others. Interesting stuff.
Kim, thank you for the audio link above you posted last night. Very informative. Highly recommended!
Also kim, I really hope your lsat comment holds true. That’s what I keep hoping and praying for for my little angels. Especially the oldest who is already very disordered at 8. Poor thing.
Dyingdad,
My biggest fear is that we have as a society have “strayed” away (for so long) from strong morals, integrity and values….
Years ago people were VALUED & respected for having strong morals and integirty.
Now days people are respecting money and power.
Everything is SO broken and it would be almost impossible to know where to begin to fix it.
PROBLEM is that the things we need today DO cost ALOT of money. Cars, phones, health insurance, food, shelter, lots of therapy (lol)….
We have created over many generations this fast paced world and now we have to survive in it. It kind of sucks!
Ana, the books were by Ferrol Sams and “Run with the horsemen” was the first one…you need to read the third one where he goes to the army and then back to medical school.
Yea, Boston Harbor Jones was the character that had the 6 fingers. He was killed on a ship in Pearl Harbor and Sambo quit medical school and went to the army in WWII.
Those stories are so great, and I have laughed til I peed myself reading them. The author is a southern doctor and I am sure that much of what he wrote is autobiographical.
Witty, my husband was born and bred in East Kentucky and his family was involved in some of the feuds where they were shooting witnesses off the witness chairs in court. That area is still doing that to this very day. I didn’t see the show and don’t know how historically accurate it is but the “feuds” were real and actually started in KY in 1806 over some wandering cattle. They went on well past the civil war, clear up to today. Even in the area where I live now in Arkansas you can get your house burned if you pith off the wrong folks. (no joke)
I did some historical and genealogical research on my late husband’s family…and I have no doubt that he had some psychopathic relatives. In researching my own family I found several that I have no doubt were psychopaths. Men who were hard drinking, wife beating full blown psychopaths.
If you think about it though, the risk takers, the pioneers, were the ones who went to the frontier. They were the ones who came to the colonies, who pushed out from the more settled areas and inhabited the fringe lands. The Scots Irish actually were a pretty rough bunch and had been “selected” for generations as the risk takers. Those people would be HIGH in P traits of risk taking. So it is no wonder that they were high in People with P traits. When you get a group of them together and they inbreed, you are sure going to have lots of folks high in those traits, and then factor in the cultural aspects that support that kind of life style and thinking and you have got a culture of psychopaths as well.
I look at the culture in some of the middle eastern countries where the men abuse the women, and I think about that poor girl whose father gave her to a Taliban guy for a family debt then when she tried to escape they cut her ears and nose off and displayed them as trophies. That to me, is a psychopathic culture. That is the ACCEPTED way to treat others, without pity.
Our own culture is starting to more and more accept violence as a way of life. Look at what has happened to northern Mexico with the drug culture and the gang culture in our inner cities.
I really don’t know how to turn this around. The media accepts a lot of this and has a great influence on our youngsters. The video game industry also pushes our young toward violence. I wish I knew the answer. My own kids didn’t turn out to be scions of society so maybe I don’t know much about raising kids.
Oxy,
Thank you, that was driving me crazy and I don’t have far to go! How could I forget the name Boston Harbon Jones???
Yes, I loved the first two books. So funny, that kid.
Oxy,
My sister has a saying. It’s all about power. Full stop.
Im not going to be arrogant enough to think I can make a huge difference but, if I see or hear children who through no fault of their own are behaving like little *^+= then I challenge it. 100%.
As a result of my reputation for challenging this unacceptable behaviour a parent accused me of bullying her son. He had lied to her about what he had said to me. And he had lied to cover up the lie.
We (teachers) get so much grief from parents who are quite often re living their school experience through their childs exp. And then we are
criticised for not being tough enough or that we should teach social skills
programmes. Which we do. In my experience a lot of parents use us as glorified babysitters. There’s no partnership. I suppose what I’m saying is that I feel backed into a corner to some degree. Defensive.
I’m not going to give up though. And I don’t claim to be a perfect parent either……..can just imagine my daughters guffawing at my imperfections!
I also think as a society we aren’t allowed to challenge bad behaviour are we? Kids hanging round street corners, underage drinking, intimidating old folks or even younger ones. No one wants to get involved. We’re scared of reprisals. Why? Because that’s what happens now.
Some schools here in the UK have employed ex army personnel as teachers. Is that what it’s come to? I have a friend who works in a high school where pupils seem to be running the show. They speak to adults like shiat but the staff must ask politely they desist.
Come on!! Enough already.
Rant over
My two pence on this very pertinent article……I struggle every day also. I want to go to bed and wake up in the morning and not have a heavy heart, if I’m honest.
When I left the spath, I kept a journal. It’s not a pretty read.
I now try to rationalise the irrational. My feelings do not concur with what stared me in the face then and what still does. I still suddenly remember ugly events
that happened when we were living together. It’s like a big slap. A wake up you
stupid woman slap! Despite everything I know to be fact my feelings run so
deep. I want to get to that holy Grail of acceptance. I look back at the woman I was when I was with him and I don’t recognise myself. Can I go back to that poor soul. Pretending it’s all ok. No no no! But the dissonance is still there. It’s galling and a waste of life and breath and energy I need for people who are deserving of my loyalty and love. That bloody dissonance……tut.