One of our readers wrote the following, nearly everyone of us has expressed the same sentiments:
One phone conversation with him could go from loving words in the very begining to total ugliness toward the end and he would often get really mean and hang up on me. It was like he was Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde all rolled into one. You never knew what he was going to be like…
It is part of human nature to develop strong bonds of affection in connection with an intimate sexual relationship. These bonds involve activity in the parts of the brain that are outside of our conscious awareness. These bonds are also not easily subject to conscious control.
Since understanding is helpful, I want to review some of what is known about the behavioral neurochemistry of love. Some of this information comes from studies of animals who “bond.”
1. Intimacy produces bonding. Sexual intimacy especially produces bonding. There are hormones released during sex that go right to the bonding parts of the brain and turn them on. Since sex with a sociopath is often more intense, so is the bonding.
2. After some bonding is already established, fear and anxiety increase the bonding. This is responsible for the Stockholm Syndrome, a syndrome where victims feel bonded to attackers. Sociopaths know how to suck you in with intimacy and sex, then intensify the bond by creating fear and anxiety.
3. Although we cannot consciously undo the bond, we can consciously decide not to act on our feelings.
4. Fortunately, humans are designed to be serial monogamists. That means will be bonded for the life of the other, not for life. With time these bonds fade if the other is gone. That is because in the past people frequently outlived their partners. I can say for sure that time does heal this wound, provided depression and symptoms of PTSD are addressed.
Dear Strongawoman,
I agree that in some schools the beasts seem to be running the zoo. A friend of mine (a teacher) was beaten by a student and had a serious spinal injury. Nothing was done to the student. Sad.
Violence in our society is nothing new though….”The Gangs of New York” etc. Violence has always, I think, been a part of of the human society. There are some periods of time in some cultures when it is suppressed but over all I think if you look at history as a whole there has always been a great deal of violence. The biggest baddest guy gets to be king and the military rules…what’s new about that?
I think to some extent we have fooled ourselves that our society is not violent, that there is some order to our culture. That there are more altruistic aspects to our race than there really are.
In the meantime, I think all that we can do is to recognize that there are psychopathic tendencies to some people, that there are brutal aspects to the human being that we might wish weren’t there. We need, I think, to learn how to recognize these things and to protect ourselves from them. What else can we do?
If you look at the Bible as history, you can see that even in the time of Jesus that there were rules and laws, but much brutality and violence as well. There were always altruistic people, kind, caring people, and there were also people who were unbelievably psychopathic.
Oxy
That is so awful that that happened to your friend. WTF!
We had a case here recently of a teacher who was goaded by his pupils. He snapped and attacked a boy with a dumbbell. Scary stuff. Of course I don’t condone what he did but someone needs to start redressing this imbalance of power. They were both victims weren’t they. The poor man who needed support from senior leadership and the boy who was just behaving in a way that’s becoming increasingly acceptable.
Tails wagging the dog Oxy.
Hi All,
I sat on my couch this eve with intentions of writing a new and thorough list of all the disrespectful, cruel, abusive, deceitful things he had ever done to me…to look at when I need a reality check ….that it is good that our relationship is over. I did not make it past page one, though I have enough material for a book. Why? I have slid back into feelings of longing for him, sadness I will never see him again. Trauma knowing he is in bed with the woman who replaced me.
I feel so pathetic. Six months post leaving, two months NC, the understanding of the evil type of man he really is, that I allowed so much violation…what the hell do I miss here?
I really don’t miss him flirting with every woman that walks past him in public, I don’t miss wondering if he is f’ing his assistent, I really don’t miss the subtle insults, or the mind twisting conversations, or being told I am circuitous when he did not like the flow of a conversation being about his inconsistency in how he treated me……blah,blah…
I know that I am a sick little girl that wanted to please an unpleasable man, a man who lied to me, used me for over a year of my life, hurt me deeply in countless ways, betrayed me with other women and all else. I am having such a hard time letting go…I know it is abandonment issues…but my brain knows it, it does not register any deeper. I feel so stupid, foolish….dissed.
I am vascillating between calling him nasty names in my head all day…telling him to get the f— out of my head and go back to the icy grave I have sent him too…..and mising his face and presense. What a nut….I was so different two years ago….I am now unrecognizable to myself!!!!
Not having a good day…pretty obvious.
Bluemosaic
bluemosaic:
I am feeling the same way. Feeling like something is so wrong with me that I can’t let this go. I have been No Contact for quite awhile, but this whole thing of him being gone from our former workplace has brought up so many feelings again. I think the feelings of longing just get compounded because we feel like we are damaged for still wanting them. I do know in my head that if I was with him for any length of time, I would surely end up hating him. So I have to focus on that. It’s the only thing about right now that is helping. You can do the same, Bluemosaic…just keep thinking how bad your life would end up being with him…how he would end up being disgusting to you. It’s helping me a bit tonight and a “bit” is better than zero. Hang in there…
I think what torments us are the memories of the good times we had. My husband and I did quite a bit of traveling and we did have some fun. That’s what I miss. I didn’t just lose a husband’,lost my best buddy
thx Louise and Imarriedit,
I too feel like something is wrong with me that letting go has been so slow and painful. I know the man I miss does not exist….I am just caught in limbo.
I had what I think is a trigger yesterday, I saw a man in a similar jacket to one he wore frequently…the same logo on it for an elite coaching organization. I felt internally disturbed by the sight of that jacket. I felt the fight/flight response of an animal being hunted….that has never happened to me , not that I can recall. I can only imagine what the sight of his face would do.
I am going to get help today. I am just so sad that the once happy peaceful person I was when I met him…. is now a shaking -broken thing.
How I wish I had seen what I was doing to myself early on…ended it in a clean break. I pray I can heal….I am soooo scared that I will not recover…I have children that need me.
Bluemosaic
Imarriedit,
There is nothing more “fun” than a spath, during the idealization phase. Seriously, it’s like going on a date with superman. Spaths are wired for fun and games. They know how to make you feel bonded, like you’ve found your soul-mate and then they take you on the greatest adventures.
My spath took me dirt bike riding in the mountains, flying in an open cockpit over acres of tulips and along the waterways. He took me in a helicopter to the ocean, the mountains and everywhere in between.
It was a set up.
Later, he told me, “Before I destroy someone, I like to take them really really high and make them really happy, so they have further to fall.”
He was pretending to be referring to someone else, but in fact, it was a tell. First of all, he had done that to me. He put me on a pedestal then devalued me and the pain was that much greater. Secondly, he actually killed people by sabotaging their aircraft and having them fall. Even before he learned to fly, he told me that he saw a man fall to his death in the shipyards. He said, “Someone sabotaged the guard rails.” duh…
It’s amazing how the need to bring a victim to an emotional high precedes the need to destroy the victim, but it’s classic spath: idealize, devalue and discard.
Even more amazing to me, is that my spath liked to do it in a literal sense and actually make people fall to their deaths. It’s no wonder I developed a fear of heights.
Imarriedit, the entire thing was false. You didn’t lose a buddy, you lost the devil.
Blue, Louise, Imarriedit,
Yes your feelings are real. Your heartbreak is real. YOUR love is real. The spath, however, is smoke and mirrors. A huge act to draw you into his world of make believe. This is not Hans Christian Anderson, however. There is no riding off into the sunset with your handsome prince. There is heartache, betrayal, abuse, lies, desolation and for some of us destitution. This may sound harsh but you have to wake up!! The spath is not your buddy. He is not anyones buddy….unless you have something they want.
My spath wanted my money, my house, my outgoing personality, my children. Suffice it to say he wanted everything …to consume me but he settled for death by proxy. I was reduced to shreds.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I’m never going to be the same person. Thank God!!
This article is spot on. We are bonded to these single celled amoeba. Intimacy and sex…..oh yeh they know how to snare you.
No denial, no rose tinted glasses ladies. Grab this bull by the horns and see it for what it is. The feelings you have are yours……the spath cannot feel for you.
Let me be the first to congratulate you on this fine post strongawoman! No denial. No rose tinted glasses. We wouldn’t have googled and found our way to LF if there wasn’t something very, very wrong with them.
Blue, so glad you are receiving counseling today. Mine has helped me a great deal. It forces me to commit to a plan of recovery,it structures my recovery although it is just one hour a week. The weeks go very fast, and before I knew it, I had been in therapy 2 months and felt better. Hope it all goes well. x