One of our readers wrote the following, nearly everyone of us has expressed the same sentiments:
One phone conversation with him could go from loving words in the very begining to total ugliness toward the end and he would often get really mean and hang up on me. It was like he was Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde all rolled into one. You never knew what he was going to be like…
It is part of human nature to develop strong bonds of affection in connection with an intimate sexual relationship. These bonds involve activity in the parts of the brain that are outside of our conscious awareness. These bonds are also not easily subject to conscious control.
Since understanding is helpful, I want to review some of what is known about the behavioral neurochemistry of love. Some of this information comes from studies of animals who “bond.”
1. Intimacy produces bonding. Sexual intimacy especially produces bonding. There are hormones released during sex that go right to the bonding parts of the brain and turn them on. Since sex with a sociopath is often more intense, so is the bonding.
2. After some bonding is already established, fear and anxiety increase the bonding. This is responsible for the Stockholm Syndrome, a syndrome where victims feel bonded to attackers. Sociopaths know how to suck you in with intimacy and sex, then intensify the bond by creating fear and anxiety.
3. Although we cannot consciously undo the bond, we can consciously decide not to act on our feelings.
4. Fortunately, humans are designed to be serial monogamists. That means will be bonded for the life of the other, not for life. With time these bonds fade if the other is gone. That is because in the past people frequently outlived their partners. I can say for sure that time does heal this wound, provided depression and symptoms of PTSD are addressed.
bluemosaic:
Maybe you should read the post Tea Light sent to me about abandonment issues, etc. I have no idea if you would relate to it or not. I don’t want to face it. I never thought I had these issues. Maybe they are so deep seated, I didn’t even know I had them.
skylar:
You bet. It’s the most fun and exhilarating excitement I ever felt and then he took it all away…there was the abandonment that I never knew I had an issue with…other people left me before…I never felt like I did when he left.
We ALL lost the devil and thank God for that.
Lou ( and Blue) just to say my issues are waaay more scary than the psychopath. Or rather my fear of facing them are way more scary than anything he did. And what he did was really bad. Maybe it’s just that some of us focus on these disordered men and relationships as a displacement activity, to delay sorting out some very difficult stuff. I don’t know. It’s all new terrain for me I’m trying to sort it out in my head. Peace and love all. x
strongawoman:
Well, I used to think my love for him was real, but now I don’t know. 🙁 Maybe it was all about me.
You couldn’t have said anything truer when you said they are only your buddy when they want something. WOW…absolutely!!!! I know that’s how it was with the one I knew…as long as he still sees someone useful, they are in his life. I really hate to think that once his kids are married, he won’t need his wife anymore. That would be really sad if he discarded her after all those years, but I don’t think he will because then she’ll be taking care of him instead of the kids and he’ll need that.
Yes, wake up. I am waking up.
Tea Light:
Probably, but I wonder for me why nobody else leaving me ever hurt this much? It was so different with him. Maybe it was about my dad, but I really don’t think so. Still have to face it is about me. I guess I will have to spend the money and find a counselor who specializes in these issues. I am realizing I can’t go to some run of the mill counselor. x
Lou, none of us here have all the answers, you’ll find them I think with a good counselor, and within yourself. The thought just occured to me that the pain you are feeling since he left may be more about other , buried or repressed losses. If that helps, I’m really glad. But I am just making a suggestions, only you will be able to figure it all out. x
Tea Light:
I know…I have to get it figured out or die…I can’t do this any longer…it’s ruining me. x
You are not going to be ruined Louise, and you are NOT to hurt yourself – you must accept you are in a lot of pain, you have tried hard for a couple fo years to process that pain and you are still stuggling, and you need professional help to gently unpack all of this pain and get to the root cause of it, whatever that might be. We are all here for you, but I think the time has come to get out the phone book and get online and start ringing some counselors and making enquiries about their specialisms and their approaches, and the ones that seem approachable, fix an ”interview” meeting where you can find out if you feel comfortable working with them. Do it for yourself Louise, because you deserve to be happy , to be at peace in your lifex
Louise, It needs to be all about you. That’s what this is about love. Your posts are full of worrying about him and his family. No Louise!
The only part of this you are in control of is you. You are allowing the what ifs to take over and negate all the good work YOU have done in the past months. You cannot afford to feel sorry for him, his wife, his kids, his next victim. You need all that love and concern for yourself.
I’m so sorry you are suffering. This sort of contact, as I said before, is very hard to process
And I agree with Tea…….get some counselling. You deserve better sweetie