How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

You are here: Home / Recovery from a sociopath / ASK DR. LEEDOM: I don’t understand why I still care

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One of our readers wrote the following, nearly everyone of us has expressed the same sentiments:

One phone conversation with him could go from loving words in the very begining to total ugliness toward the end and he would often get really mean and hang up on me. It was like he was Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde all rolled into one. You never knew what he was going to be like…

In spite of all this, I still love him and can’t stop thinking about him. I guess it’s just that I remember the good times and what a loving and caring man he could be when he wanted to. I know I am still grieving over this, because he still haunts me and I can’t seem to get him out of my system. And I know now that he’s not the man who I thought I fell in love with, but I am still having a really hard time with this. I don’t understand why I still care. I’ve tried to rationalize but it’s not working. You would think I would hate his guts after all he’s done to me.
Love is not something we can control

It is part of human nature to develop strong bonds of affection in connection with an intimate sexual relationship. These bonds involve activity in the parts of the brain that are outside of our conscious awareness. These bonds are also not easily subject to conscious control.

Since understanding is helpful, I want to review some of what is known about the behavioral neurochemistry of love. Some of this information comes from studies of animals who “bond.”

1. Intimacy produces bonding. Sexual intimacy especially produces bonding. There are hormones released during sex that go right to the bonding parts of the brain and turn them on. Since sex with a sociopath is often more intense, so is the bonding.

2. After some bonding is already established, fear and anxiety increase the bonding. This is responsible for the Stockholm Syndrome, a syndrome where victims feel bonded to attackers. Sociopaths know how to suck you in with intimacy and sex, then intensify the bond by creating fear and anxiety.

3. Although we cannot consciously undo the bond, we can consciously decide not to act on our feelings.

To carry out this conscious decision requires will-power, so read all you can about strengthening your will power. Briefly, will-power is like a muscle. It can become exhausted. It is weaker when we are tired, sick, malnourished or intoxicated. Stay away from alcohol, exercise and take care of yourself.

4. Fortunately, humans are designed to be serial monogamists. That means will be bonded for the life of the other, not for life. With time these bonds fade if the other is gone. That is because in the past people frequently outlived their partners. I can say for sure that time does heal this wound, provided depression and symptoms of PTSD are addressed.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Louise

    Tea Light and strongawoman:

    I went to counseling before, but it didn’t help. I guess I wasn’t seeing the right person or sometimes people are unfixable as we all know. x

  2. strongawoman

    Louise what you have is not unfixable. You are grieving and you sound very down. Perhaps a trip to the Gp first. I have been depressed and it’s so hard to recognise….I too felt like you. I blamed myself and believed I couldn’t be fixed. I was wrong lovey.

  3. Tea Light

    Louise it’s not you that’s unfixeable – there is depression in your posts, and great sadness, and a feeling of helplessness, all of that IS fixeable Louise, it really , truly is , but I don’t believe you can do this without either professional help AND without medication – I think you are asking too much of yourself to expect to fix your unhappiness without help, and we can’t help you the way a trained professional can Lou, we can support you and care about you, very much, but we can’t fix you or counsel you as a professional can – please, google for some accredited counselors, or contact a metal health organiation that can make recommendations? x

  4. Ox Drover

    Louise! I’m goiing to BOINK you on the head with my cyber cast iron skillet if you say that you are “unfixable” again, my love! Ask Moon Dancer, the top of his head was FLAT for a while I “HIT” him so many times. LOL

    Just because you tried counseling at one point in time and “it didn’t work” doesn’t mean that the right counselor at the right time won’t help. AND keep in mind Counseliing is not an OVER NIGHT FIX.

    Healing is “grief work” and it TAKES TIME. First our healing is learniing about THEM and then it is learning about US. You already know enough about psychopaths, what they are and what they DO so it is time to focus on LEARNING ABOUT YOU.

    Taking CARE of you!

    And, keep in miind that CONTACT oof any kind, ANY kind is painful.

    You are not alone sugar, we’ve all been there and we are HERE FOR YOU. ((((Hugs)))) and God bless.

  6. Louise

    Oxy, Tea Light and strongawoman:

    I don’t know…what if I AM unfixable? We don’t know that yet. I AM going to go to counseling and have to spend A LOT of money, but I am scared…WHAT IF it doesn’t help? Scared.

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