One of our readers wrote the following, nearly everyone of us has expressed the same sentiments:
One phone conversation with him could go from loving words in the very begining to total ugliness toward the end and he would often get really mean and hang up on me. It was like he was Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde all rolled into one. You never knew what he was going to be like…
It is part of human nature to develop strong bonds of affection in connection with an intimate sexual relationship. These bonds involve activity in the parts of the brain that are outside of our conscious awareness. These bonds are also not easily subject to conscious control.
Since understanding is helpful, I want to review some of what is known about the behavioral neurochemistry of love. Some of this information comes from studies of animals who “bond.”
1. Intimacy produces bonding. Sexual intimacy especially produces bonding. There are hormones released during sex that go right to the bonding parts of the brain and turn them on. Since sex with a sociopath is often more intense, so is the bonding.
2. After some bonding is already established, fear and anxiety increase the bonding. This is responsible for the Stockholm Syndrome, a syndrome where victims feel bonded to attackers. Sociopaths know how to suck you in with intimacy and sex, then intensify the bond by creating fear and anxiety.
3. Although we cannot consciously undo the bond, we can consciously decide not to act on our feelings.
4. Fortunately, humans are designed to be serial monogamists. That means will be bonded for the life of the other, not for life. With time these bonds fade if the other is gone. That is because in the past people frequently outlived their partners. I can say for sure that time does heal this wound, provided depression and symptoms of PTSD are addressed.
Louise I don’t know if you’ve heard of Dorothy Rowe. She has some very interesting things to say about how there is no evidence depression is cuased by chemical imbalance, or a lack of seratonin, so she does not advocate use of SSRI’s to treat depression. She sees depression not as an ”illness”as such but a defensive mechanism when you feel your sense of self threatened by traumatic life events. :
”The different experiences which psychiatrists call mental illness or mental disorder begin with an overwhelming fear and a feeling that your very self is shattering, even disappearing. This happens when you discover that there is a serious discrepancy between what you thought you life was and what it actually is. Mental illnesses are not illnesses but defences to hold the person together when he feels that he is falling apart. These desperate defences are terrible to endure but, if we are willing to learn, they can teach us that we need to change the way we live our life. It isn’t always easy to change how we see ourselves and our world but, as the testimonies of many people show, it is in our power to do so.”
xx
Louise! BOINK!!!! You are NOT UNFIXABLE!!! Now you get that through your head right now and don’t make me have to pound it in with the cyber skillet!
Okay, you’re scared. so get over it!
The thing is Louise, we can’t change what happened but we CAN change how we respond to it. We can ACT, not RE-Act.
So, it’s expensive. What are you going to spend your money on that is MORE VALUABLE? Not anything that I can think of.
Sugar, you had come a long way till this latest “back door contact” so realize that iis what triggered all this carp!
I’ve had a melt down here recently because of the back door contact with Patrick’s parole protest. I asked some people who I have known for 30+ years and considered close friends, too write letters and THEY REFUSED. It CRUSHED me! I felt BETRAYED by these people. People I considered close friends.
But, Louiise, even though I fell into that abyss, the deep dark hole you are in right now, so deep I couldn’t see light at the top, I started climbing out. BECAUSE I KNEW I HAD TO. YOU DO TOO.
I started to DO the things I knew were GOOD for me. Exercising again, getting enough sleep, eating right, socializing some, I restarted meditation which I used to do but had stopped doing. I made an appointment with my therapist. The thing is that we have to DO the things we know are god for us. A counselor may help, but the point is that we have to do the things for ourselves.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2013/02/14/easy-and-free-ways-to-take-care-of-ourselves/
Here is a simple article I wrote recently about doing easy and free things to help ourselves. They all actually work to help LIFT DEPRESSION. I also highly recommend meditation of any kind.
Louise, you are NOT unfixable. You are HUMAN and sometiimes our grief seems unbearable but it is NOT, it just takes time and work. ((((hugs)))) God bless.
Louise;
Rumination is a symptom of depression and when depression is cured, the rumination stop. Normal “down” days may bring back thoughts or even longing but not at the same intensity of rumination.
I firmly believe that a major reason why mental health issues are so prevalent now is that modern life both causes mental health issues and allows them to fester.
Focusing on the latter, stone age life did not allow “festering” — there was no warm cave, no food delivery, no TV, no internet. You had to get over whatever ailed you very quickly or perish.
Thus, you got up, got out, went hunting with your clan, caught a meal, ate then slept — all on a regular schedule set by the light.
On a simplified basis humans evolved to thrive on exercise, socialization, reward and circadian rhythms. When all are provided, we are whole and well. When any one is missing, our wellness is compromised.
Now, you can see how in modern life, a loss can compromise all four with disastrous consequences, especially since modern life allows us to fester via isolation, especially if we have resources… Then, we don’t socialize, don’t exercise and our circadian rhythms become messed up, all of which compound depression
I am the first to admit that taking a holistic approach to recovery is difficult, but in the long term, it is the only approach. Get on a normal schedule that includes rising early. Exercise, socialize and find ways to obtain meaningful rewards. Do not isolate and do not allow the Internet to become your best friend.
Side note — while most mental health professionals recognize sleep’s importance, circadian regularly is so important that I recommend adding “beware the night owl” to any list of red flags.
Louise;
I almost want to recommend SLAA. I say almost as it’s a good place to confess about romantic/sexual obsessions, but at the same time it’s full of toxic people. However, coming to that realization is therapy in itself.
Who was the comedian who joked about thinking he was crazy until he was locked up in a psyche ward?
Louise;
Think of this — at least you don’t look like your x-spath…
The hardest thing for me was that in one certain angle, the x-Scousepath and I look remarkably alike. I have been in very good moods, gone out to meet friends and on the subway, see my refection in that one angle that looks like him…
And of course we have the same name…
Now, I laugh it off, mostly. If I stay in a good mood…
Louise, since BBE brought up SLAA, (sex and love addicts anonomous) I thought I’d post a link to LAA (love addicts anonomous). There is some really helpful stuff there. It explains the problem, and gives you a program to use to recover. Read the promises, the bit about triangles, narcissists and ambivalent lovers. Also read about the 12 steps.
http://www.loveaddicts.org/LAAHomeIndex.html
Tea Light:
Thank you for recommending Dorothy Rowe. It really sounds like I can relate to her. Sounds like my life. I think I can learn a lot from her. x
Oxy:
I am still not sure I am unfixable, but I am going to give it a go and find out.
I know…I was doing “OK” with the No Contact…I was still sad at times, but I was healing and then this happened, but all things happen for a reason. I think this is just one more step in the direction of final healing. All things are used for the good of God who loves Him. I think there is going to be some type of breakthrough somehow.
I know you had a meltdown over the letters and I am so sorry. 🙁 That is a real heartbreak…I can only imagine I would have felt the same, but you have picked yourself up again and so will I.
So, all the good things you list to do, I already do. You know how much I exercise, I eat right (or try to), have friends, go out, volunteer with my church (which is helping others). I am doing all those things and have been for quite awhile. I think that is why I feel desperate sometimes…scary…because I am doing all this and still feel the way I do sometimes.
Onward and upward. Somehow I will crawl out of this hole again just like you did. Thanks for posting to me.
BBE:
I agree 100%. Back in the old days, everyone worked hard whether it was the man out in the fields or the woman at home cleaning, cooking and taking care of the kids. It didn’t allow any time to ruminate!
As I posted to Oxy, I am already doing all these things. I think I do mess up a bit on the sleep one though. I think that’s why I have felt down as I feel like I am doing all the right things except for formal counseling which I do not have a lot of faith in at all, but I am going to have to give it a go once again.
Hmmmm, very interesting you mentioned the “night owl” as a red flag…he is one, yet so am I. Never was a morning person.
On a side note…you will find this interesting…along with this latest firing incident, I found that he went to an all boys Catholic secondary school. I never knew that before. It’s listed on his LinkedIn account. Not sure why he would list that since it wasn’t college. Makes me wonder what happened at that school…
Yeah, thank God I don’t look like him…haha.
BBE and kim:
I have the SLAA already bookmarked from when kim posted it a long time ago. It does have some really good and useful info and I get a lot out of reading there, but I am not sure that is me since I don’t have a pattern of addictive relationships…only with this one. On the other hand, one is enough I guess. Thanks, I will read some more. Any and all info I can get my hands on is worth it to me.