One of our readers wrote the following, nearly everyone of us has expressed the same sentiments:
One phone conversation with him could go from loving words in the very begining to total ugliness toward the end and he would often get really mean and hang up on me. It was like he was Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde all rolled into one. You never knew what he was going to be like…
It is part of human nature to develop strong bonds of affection in connection with an intimate sexual relationship. These bonds involve activity in the parts of the brain that are outside of our conscious awareness. These bonds are also not easily subject to conscious control.
Since understanding is helpful, I want to review some of what is known about the behavioral neurochemistry of love. Some of this information comes from studies of animals who “bond.”
1. Intimacy produces bonding. Sexual intimacy especially produces bonding. There are hormones released during sex that go right to the bonding parts of the brain and turn them on. Since sex with a sociopath is often more intense, so is the bonding.
2. After some bonding is already established, fear and anxiety increase the bonding. This is responsible for the Stockholm Syndrome, a syndrome where victims feel bonded to attackers. Sociopaths know how to suck you in with intimacy and sex, then intensify the bond by creating fear and anxiety.
3. Although we cannot consciously undo the bond, we can consciously decide not to act on our feelings.
4. Fortunately, humans are designed to be serial monogamists. That means will be bonded for the life of the other, not for life. With time these bonds fade if the other is gone. That is because in the past people frequently outlived their partners. I can say for sure that time does heal this wound, provided depression and symptoms of PTSD are addressed.
Louise, I know you are against having to take medication, BUT I am going to tell you here…if you had a life threatening infection would you take medication? What about diabetes? Would you take medication for that? Or would you just say “well,, I can muddle through this with positive thinkiing? Or I can’t be fixed, I’ll just sit here and croak?
Well, medication for depression or PTSD is the same way. I take it because I need it. I weened myself off for about a year, but then this deal hit me and I melted down. I am back on the medication and I’m going to stay on it.
So give medication an honest appraisal! At least think about it realistically.
Louise;
I made the comment regarding night owls because if not due to a night job, indicated a dysfunctional circadian clock, thus implying other issues such as depression, dysthymia or bipolar disorder.
For years, I have suffered sleep problems due to stress and depression. I am a much better, but not 100% cured. Thus, from a “red flag” perspective, I would have been cautious dating me! Unfortunately, several suffered too.
OTOH, while my x-spath was in a profession notorious for disrupting sleep patterns, he always said he slept well. While I only knew him here in the USA, he did not show any sleep problems.
But then again, on the surface he seemed one of the most “normal” persons I ever met in a gay club, save for the huge red flag of being both a smoker and a drinker…
“Back in the old days, everyone worked hard whether it was the man out in the fields or the woman at home cleaning, cooking and taking care of the kids. It didn’t allow any time to ruminate!”
Louise;
It also meant exercise via work, socialization and reward — a meal for all your hard work.
Hi To All,
I have had a very draining day. I am fairly certain that I will look for a different counselor…major reason being that she just did not seem to have any compassion for how traumatized I feel and said I should not “demonize him” for things I did to myself.
Louise, I can really relate to your pain right now, wish we could share a big hug : ( I do think Strongawoman is right though, we need to wake up…..I am still longing for an assh— that is probably banging his new sweetheart while we blog and most likely has not thought of me since the last time he saw my face Nov. 2012.
Strongawoman, thx for cyber smack, my ex-spath was a jerk who did not deserve me…and I need to figure out why I fell in love w/ a spath and never do it again. I am sure I have abandonment issues, long history in childhood of abuse and trauma and finished off with abandonment. I have been on my own since 17…boy do I sound like a whiner!
Sylar, I can totally relate to the quote you left where he said he likes to take you high so you have further to fall. Mine did that to me, said in different but similar words. I am so tired.
Tea light, hug to you to
and to all those not mentioned , I read through blog thread to better understand what I have done to my life and all the input here is so helpful. I pray that we can all heal and go forward never feeling like we ever need to accept mistreatment from another human being.
Night…
Bluemosaic
I wish people would google EFT and/or TAT. Or go on YouTube and watch some videos on it. It is FREEEEEEEE!!!!!
IT WORKS!!!!!
It is killing me to read your pain, I so wish I could sit there with each and every one of you and go through a few rounds of tapping. It takes away the desire to have him back. You just don’t care anymore. The caveat is that you have to address each issue separately with EFT whereas TAT is more encompassing and easier for some people to use. But each work.
I am tapping for each post, because all the posters to Love Fraud bring up issues that I didn’t even know I had and your posts are helping me to address each one. When I can’t tap anymore, I stop reading. For me, I find it works better if I do it at night before I go to sleep, because I seem to process the issues in my sleep and when I wake up, they are gone! And you can’t even make yourself feel that way ever again.
One day, I will post the story of how I found EFT to begin with. And the point of the story will be that I was a very jaded and cynical person who reacted to being introduced to EFT with “Are you for real, lady?” to the poor counselor who showed it to me. She had just been shown it at a seminar the previous weekend and if she had been a bit better at it, we would have knocked out my PTSD that I had had for 18 YEARS in just one session. But she wasn’t sure yet how to present it, and it took a few sessions. (This all happened before I met the spath). Now I don’t need a counselor anymore (although, I do have a few friends that use EFT also and we talk about problems while tapping). That technique works GREAT!!! But using it on our own also works, especially if watching a YouTube video of it.
I am certified in EFT, that’s how much I believe in it. And if you knew me, no one convinces me of ANYTHING until I test it for myself. So I understand scepticism. If someone wants to learn how to use it, I would be glad to post some tapping statements you could say while using EFT or TAT. Or not. I still pray for everyone on this site. With all my heart I pray that no one…NO ONE…takes their own life or harms themselves in any way, because of the scums we met. There was a time when I thought that I just couldn’t wake up and feel this way one…more…day. I was in despair because I realized I was going to kill myself. EFT saved my life, so that I didn’t choose a permanent solution to a very temporary problem. I wish the same for all of you.
With deepest love and compassion to you all. You are all so important to me.
Newlife43,
God bless for your post, I have heard of EFT but did not know it would actually help soothe or remove thoughts of him. I am going to youtube it tonight, thx for your heartfelt info and share, BIG HUG
Bluemosaic
Blue Mosaic:
Please do look it up. And let me know how it goes or if you have any questions. I can either respond here or ask Donna to give you my email address.
Big hugs back. I never turn down a hug!
Skylar and Strongawoman, you are 100 percent correct. “Simon” was no true buddy, he just seemed to be a fun partner, but as they say, with fiends like that, who needs enemies. He was always on the swingers sites planning hook ups for his day off when I was working, but on Sunday we always had fun. I thought he was genuine, never knowing about the secret hidden life. Of course, the truth comes out eventually when they drop one of the balls they’re juggling- then comes the beginning of the end when we figure out the betrayal and the sham marriage we were in. Some days the dark fog of grief descends over me like the mist over the swamp back home. I really did dump the devil…funny how in our house we sold there seemed to be a dark shadow in his areas like the den. I’d catch a glimpse out the corner of my eye of a darkish shadow figure but nobody was there. He seemed to have a dark aura around him too. Now that he’s gone, my new house is sunny and bright. I’m fortunate that I’d already started the detachment process a few years ago from him, The last few years were miserable mostly so I’d already stopped loving him as much. I might be healing faster because of this. Still, I have no kids and am pretty much alone dealing with the train wreck. Is this the rest of my life, living alone and afraid to trust and date again?
I benefit so much from the words of wisdom here and realize there’s much to be thankful for. Mine didn’t devastate me as badly as some here have experienced. It helps to stay busy & do some little thing for you every day, even if it’s buying a new outfit or having a brownie or indulging yourself in some small way. One day at a time! I can already look back and see how far I’ve come.
Imarriedit,
You said
“Is this the rest of my life, living alone and afraid to trust and date again?”
A counsellor once told me that she believed we should be on our own for a minimum of two years after a break up or divorce…..and that was with a “normal” individual.
I live alone and haven’t dated since the spath either.This is the first time I’ve been on my own in my whole life….and I actually like it! Yeh it took a bit of getting used to but I love the fact that I’m my own boss. I don’t have to “look” after any one.
I met my spath after separating from my husband. I was so “desperate” to meet someone that I can see now I was just a sitting duck.
If I meet someone all well and good but I’m not like that insecure woman any more….the “weakerwoman” that I was is becoming a distant memory.
God bless you, Imarriedit, in your healing and recovery. Perhaps eventually you might change your name to something more apt like….”IgotOverit” or IdontGiva shit” lol.
Take care of you for now. Oh and one more thing! You said, “there’s much to be thankful for. Mine didn’t devastate me as badly as some here have experienced.”
Be kind to yourself. I know what you mean but you have experienced loss too. Have a good day my dear.
bluemosaic, Louise – I am experiencing the same. But what is more and more obvious to me is that the relationship was one that was largely constructed in my own mind – with the help of my denial and rationalization of the controlling and degrading words and deeds of the sociopathic ex-gf.
Skylar wrote:
“Later, he told me, “Before I destroy someone, I like to take them really really high and make them really happy, so they have further to fall.””
Oh, yes, indeed! My ex-gf dropped bombs on me at what seemed well-timed moments -when they would have their greatest effect. For example, when I bought tickets
to a Groban (Her favorite.) concert; after making-out on a moon-lit beach; on the eve of an important court case that I was involved in and, when we were looking at engagement rings. There were many other instances when she would pick a fight at a particularly sensitive time – ‘break up’ and then, get back together with me 3 to 10 days later. She really orchestrated her best by asking me to ‘couples counselling’ after we ‘broke up,’ – only to use the opportunity to try to emotionally and mentally rip me to shreds. She also made a physical move against me – that I now see was an act of provocation. I didn’t ‘bite,’ certainly to her dismay.
Hi, strongawoman!
How about this –
Almost 8 months since my ex-gf implemented ‘Operation Discard’
I have started opening up to expressions of love and caring from people around me. A woman I asked out on a date three years ago, pre-sociopathic gf ( I was turned -down at the time.), contacted me recently. After a few talks, she now can’t live without me. Is this a case of ‘Here we go again!’?