How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

You are here: Home / Recovery from a sociopath / ASK DR. LEEDOM: I don’t understand why I still care

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One of our readers wrote the following, nearly everyone of us has expressed the same sentiments:

One phone conversation with him could go from loving words in the very begining to total ugliness toward the end and he would often get really mean and hang up on me. It was like he was Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde all rolled into one. You never knew what he was going to be like…

In spite of all this, I still love him and can’t stop thinking about him. I guess it’s just that I remember the good times and what a loving and caring man he could be when he wanted to. I know I am still grieving over this, because he still haunts me and I can’t seem to get him out of my system. And I know now that he’s not the man who I thought I fell in love with, but I am still having a really hard time with this. I don’t understand why I still care. I’ve tried to rationalize but it’s not working. You would think I would hate his guts after all he’s done to me.
Love is not something we can control

It is part of human nature to develop strong bonds of affection in connection with an intimate sexual relationship. These bonds involve activity in the parts of the brain that are outside of our conscious awareness. These bonds are also not easily subject to conscious control.

Since understanding is helpful, I want to review some of what is known about the behavioral neurochemistry of love. Some of this information comes from studies of animals who “bond.”

1. Intimacy produces bonding. Sexual intimacy especially produces bonding. There are hormones released during sex that go right to the bonding parts of the brain and turn them on. Since sex with a sociopath is often more intense, so is the bonding.

2. After some bonding is already established, fear and anxiety increase the bonding. This is responsible for the Stockholm Syndrome, a syndrome where victims feel bonded to attackers. Sociopaths know how to suck you in with intimacy and sex, then intensify the bond by creating fear and anxiety.

3. Although we cannot consciously undo the bond, we can consciously decide not to act on our feelings.

To carry out this conscious decision requires will-power, so read all you can about strengthening your will power. Briefly, will-power is like a muscle. It can become exhausted. It is weaker when we are tired, sick, malnourished or intoxicated. Stay away from alcohol, exercise and take care of yourself.

4. Fortunately, humans are designed to be serial monogamists. That means will be bonded for the life of the other, not for life. With time these bonds fade if the other is gone. That is because in the past people frequently outlived their partners. I can say for sure that time does heal this wound, provided depression and symptoms of PTSD are addressed.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. bluemosaic

    GM all,

    I am going to do the EFT today, will let you know my feelings after : ) thx again for input.

    I am also going to do 2nd attempt at journaling all he did that was violating and hurtful as a reality check list for why I do not love him.

    Facing that I was in love with only a mirror spath put up, using info I freely gave…seeing that I only loved someone who does not exist. I will learn to face that all the sweet , tender moments we shared were not based on reality and only another human beings desire to consume me like a wolfe….to reframe, “All the sweet, tender moments were all my desire to be deeply loved by a man and love him back,
    ….. but he was showing me nothing but hate and disrespect in his treatment of me” therefore, never deserved my love.

    All tender moments were only felt by me…they were an illusion!

    I gave my presense, love, nurturing, TLC, body and heart to a man who did “not” one right thing for me…whose behavior should not have elicited love and devotion out of me…it should have elicited nothing, nada, but a quick turn and long walk as far away as I can get.

    Why did I want him?

    Strong male, dominant presense, agressive sexually, very intelligent-brilliant mind…. I ignored that the character was nothing like mine or that of which I do require in a mate.

    He really was the cruelest most woman hating human being I have ever known My BEING does not love cruelty. Made no sense for me to think I loved him.

    I am going to heal…I think “all” is a lesson from GOD…he was the most painful toughest lesson that I have ever had…and in that…there will be the most growth I have ever had. I pray this is so.

    I wish you all a peaceful, bright day.

    Bluemosaic

  2. strongawoman

    Fixer,

    she contacted you recently but can’t live without you? Approach with extreme caution my friend. I would personally see that as a BIG red flag. 8months out is not long, take care 🙂

  3. Sunflower

    Fixer,

    I can promise you, it’s here we go again. They hate it when you move on and is happy so they come back to destroy what they didn’t manage to do the first time. AND they will be even more cruel the second time around. They do not want to see you happy with someone else if they can’t have (own) you. If they can’t be with you they’ll make sure no one else will either. Do you feel like you need a second lesson? If not- RUN!

  5. newlife43

    Blue Mosaic:

    All the things you wrote in your post at 8:56 am are good things to tap on, since YOU wrote them and YOU are bothered by those very things. So you already have your setup statements.

    For instance:

    “Even though I have to face that I was in love with only a mirror that the spath put up, using info I freely gave” and I am so upset and angry about that…I deeply love and forgive myself anyway. ”

    “Even though I was so stupid as to not see what he was and what he was doing and I’m so pissed about that” …I deeply love and accept myself anyway and totally forgive myself for anything I may have done to contribute to the situation”.

    “Even though my genuine desire to be loved made me fall for the con he pulled over on me and my heart is broken, I deeply and completely, etc…”

    These are only examples of things you might say, but they are a start. Others will occur to you. Tap on them. You can even start with:

    “Even though I don’t think EFT will work for me, I deeply…”
    “EVen though there’s no way this could make me feel better, I deeply…”
    “Even though I feel stupid doing EFT, I want to feel better, and I deeply love and accept myself anyway.”

    Just take them one at a time and tap till the emotion of the statement goes away. Then move on to the next sentence. It usually takes 2-4 rounds before you start to feel a shift in the emotion surrounding the statement. Spend about 20-30 minutes tapping and then start again the next day or later in the day. There are a LOT of issues surrounding what we went through. Like peeling an onion, you have to take them one at a time using EFT. TAT is a little shorter and more encompassing, but still, EFT is my old standby when I am very upset. I even use it while driving and I don’t care what the other drivers think!

    Wish you so much luck. I know that it works. I am light years ahead of where I was 6 months ago. He really isn’t the issue anymore and EFT has helped so much with “NO CONTACT”. Whenever I am tempted to go on Facebook or any other place on the internet to check out what he is doing, I start tapping instead and the temptation goes away.

    But now I am working on me and still need Love Fraud for MY internal issues that caused me to get mixed up with him in the first place. I never want this to happen again, but I still need to learn to trust people if I expect to live in this world and function.

  7. Tea Light

    Fixer, smells odd. Not much to go on though, she could have had a legit reason for not dating back then (recent break up?
    Bereavement?) and may now be ready however… What’s this ‘can’t live without you’ ? Do you mean she’s coming on strong or do you mean she’s lovebombing , making inappropriate declarations, stalking? Give us the lowdown fixer x

  8. KatyDid

    FixerUpper
    “can’t live without you” is a gift, it’s an enormous red flag. those are HUGE-problem-with-attachment words.

    they are NOT the words from a person looking for an emotionally healthy relationship. they are the words of a person seeking someone else to be responsible for them. or from a stalker/bunny burning kind of person.

    I wish you good choices!
    Best, Katy

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